The Internet Is A Playground Part 21

Please correct this error immediately by typing in my reference number, clicking on the alarmingly large number, and moving the decimal point to the left. I don't care how many places.

Regards, David

From: Allison Hayes Allison Hayes Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 9:26 a.m. Tuesday 17 August 2010 9:26 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Ref. 28941739 Re: Ref. 28941739

h.e.l.lo David, I have checked your account and the amount of $766.05 correctly corresponds with your usage of 3262 kWh peak and 1982 kWh off peak for the indicated supply period. I dont know what portal experiments are but perhaps it is why you are using more electricity than previously. Please call our toll free number on 1300 133 245 should you have any further inquiries about your account.

Sincerely, Allison Hayes

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 11:04 a.m. Tuesday 17 August 2010 11:04 a.m.

To: Allison Hayes Allison Hayes Subject: Re: Re: Ref. 28941739 Re: Re: Ref. 28941739

Dear Allison,

Thank you for explaining that the amount correctly corresponds with a number you have based it on. I already called that telephone number and spoke to a robot for several minutes.

While I'm sure you receive a predominantly positive response from those hearing the response "I'm sorry; I didn't get that. Let's try that again" repeated fifty times, I would rather be kicked in the head by a horse the size of ten horses all molded together into one big horse than dial that number ever again. It was incapable of directing me to the correct department despite my responding to each question with the word "exterminate" in a metallic voice.

During school holidays when I was about ten, I attempted to construct a robot from household appliances, which included a blender, an Atari 2600, and a vacuum cleaner. My intention was to have it completed before the holidays ended so that it could accompany me to school and kill Bradley McPherson, who had stolen my Casio calculator watch. After realizing that the project would entail actual engineering knowledge, and being told to "Clean up that f.u.c.king mess in the shed," I instead told everyone at school that Bradley's mum had told my mum that he had been born with both a p.e.n.i.s and a v.a.g.i.n.a and had to wear special underpants to keep the two separated.

I also constructed an electric sword around this time after viewing an episode of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century Buck Rogers in the 25th Century where they fought with such. Connecting an electric car antenna to the house mains and holding it with a garden glove, I tested it on my sister's cat. After dissembling the sword to hide all evidence and opening the windows in an attempt to air out the smell of burned hair and cooked flesh, I buried (the appropriately named) Sooty in the backyard. A week later, during a family barbecue, the dog dug her up. where they fought with such. Connecting an electric car antenna to the house mains and holding it with a garden glove, I tested it on my sister's cat. After dissembling the sword to hide all evidence and opening the windows in an attempt to air out the smell of burned hair and cooked flesh, I buried (the appropriately named) Sooty in the backyard. A week later, during a family barbecue, the dog dug her up.

While I cannot go into too much detail regarding my portal experiments-due to the fact that AGL representatives would probably visit me and touch my stuff and say things like, "We are watching you, buddy,"-I have attached a rough diagram that shows that more energy is produced than used, making it unlikely that this is why my account is five times its usual amount.

Regards, David

From: Allison Hayes Allison Hayes Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 3:19 p.m. Tuesday 17 August 2010 3:19 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Ref. 28941739 Re: Re: Re: Ref. 28941739

h.e.l.lo David

The amount of $766.05 is calculated from the meter reading. While I understand your frustration with the automated phone system, we are not able to deal with account inquiries via e-mail and according to my supervisor there is no such thing as a portal so I've no idea why you are sending me pictures of them.

Sincerely, Allison Hayes

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 4:05 p.m. Tuesday 17 August 2010 4:05 p.m.

To: Allison Hayes Allison Hayes Subject: Snap Snap

h.e.l.lo Allison,

I am not questioning the calculation; I am questioning the number the calculation is based on. If you accepted cows as payment and I owned two cows, worth forty dollars each, but counted them incorrectly, lost one in a dark forest, and sent you the remaining twenty, would you come out thirty-three dollars and ninety-five cents ahead and call it a perk, or have one cow? Perks are actually one of the only reasons I still bother to turn up for work. While my coworkers are in meetings discussing why the business is going bankrupt, I put office supplies in the boot of my car.

As every meter reading for the last two years at this address has been under two hundred dollars, rather than pay you $766.05, I would prefer to spend that amount on thirty-eight pizzas, ensuring sufficient fat reserves to survive having the heat turned off, or have my apartment lined with polyester socks and wearing a suit made out of carpet-possibly generating enough power to start my own grid company. I would then construct a number, calculate an amount based on this and send out accounts stating that the amount is based on a number and is therefore mathematically correct. If anyone questioned the basis of the number the amount is calculated from, I would simply declare, "I have the power," and point out the scientific implausibility of their experiments, forcing them to investigate other, more viable, designs.

Regards, David

From: Allison Hayes Allison Hayes Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 4:16 p.m. Tuesday 17 August 2010 4:16 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Snap Re: Snap

h.e.l.lo David,

Have you bought any new electrical equipment in the last few months that might account for the additional usage?

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 4:24 p.m. Tuesday 17 August 2010 4:24 p.m.

To: Allison Hayes Allison Hayes Subject: Superconducting quadrupole electromagnets Superconducting quadrupole electromagnets

h.e.l.lo Allison,

Nothing that springs to mind. I purchased a Large Hadron Collider a few months back, but it has not seen much use. The one time I did manage to get it working, I ended up at the day before I unpacked it, so this wouldn't count.

Regards, David

From: Allison Hayes Allison Hayes Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 4:31 p.m. Tuesday 17 August 2010 4:31 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Superconducting quadrupole electromagnets Re: Superconducting quadrupole electromagnets

Whats a hadron collider?

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 4:38 p.m. Tuesday 17 August 2010 4:38 p.m.

To: Allison Hayes Allison Hayes Subject: Re: Re: Superconducting quadrupole electromagnets Re: Re: Superconducting quadrupole electromagnets

It's kind of like a pressure cooker but with way more dials.

From: Allison Hayes Allison Hayes Date: Wednesday 18 August 2010 11:31 a.m. Wednesday 18 August 2010 11:31 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Superconducting quadrupole electromagnets Re: Re: Re: Superconducting quadrupole electromagnets

h.e.l.lo David, I have spoken to my supervisor and if you like I can arrange for someone to come out next week and read the meter again to check if there has been an error.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Wednesday 18 August 2010 1:29 p.m. Wednesday 18 August 2010 1:29 p.m.

To: Allison Hayes Allison Hayes Subject: Sana-tana Dharma Sana-tana Dharma

h.e.l.lo Allison,