Doctor Who_ The Romans Part 5

Seventh Extract from the Doctor's

Diary I did not linger long enough to witness the outcome of my inadvertent animal liberation movement, feeling that the entry of the great cats might well lead to the exit of the gladiators; and therefore the disruption of a sporting event to which Nero had evidently been looking greatly forward.

And I had no wish to incur his odium just when it seemed we were getting on so well together.

As to the wretched a.s.sa.s.sin, I am not, I hope, a vindictive man, but I confess that the thought of his probable fate did not stir me to other than a chuckle. He had been asking for something of the sort ever since I left a.s.sissium; and, as it is well known, malefactors trifle with me at their peril!

However, one consequence of the unfortunate fiasco did disturb me, for my lyre was manifestly unfit now for further service, and my revolutionary recital, which I had been antic.i.p.ating pleasurably albeit with a touch of that apprehension inseparable from public appearances would now have to be cancelled sine die sine die. I therefore allowed a sufficient interval for tempers to cool, and then presented myself at the state apartments to make my excuses...

Nero, I thought, received me with less enthusiasm than is customary when fellow artistes foregather; but this was explained to my satisfaction when he told me he had once more narrowly escaped death at the hands of a malcontent; and I said that there was a coincidence, and it was small wonder that young people were no longer taking up music as a serious career, considering the occupational risks involved.

Speaking of which, I very much regretted that I would be unable to give my promised concert at his banquet that evening, as my particular and apparently personal a.s.sailant had got away with the lute. (That was a pleasantry which failed to raise a smile; probably because, as I later realised on reviewing the conversation, the lute was an instrument which first appeared in Europe during the fourteenth century and loot as a synonym for booty was hardly in general use until the Capone era. Such are the conversational hazards of time-travel!) I therefore rephrased the statement; and was more than slightly chagrined to receive no expression of sympathy or disappointment at my unfortunate dilemma, not even a consolatory 'Tut!'

How would Yehudi Menuhin have felt, I wondered, if on telling his promoter to cancel everything because he had carelessly sat on his Stradivarius, the man had merely raised an eyebrow, and said 'Well, well these things happen...' ?

No, so far as I could read the fluorescent features before me, they seemed to indicate a mild relief, if anything a phenomenon I was at a loss to explain!

'You mean,' he enquired slowly, 'that there is absolutely no danger of... I mean, that we are definitely not to have the... the pleasure of hearing you perform? Poppy will will be disappointed... I expect.' be disappointed... I expect.'

I said I was glad someone would be; because the loss of my lyre meant the tragic curtailment of what could have been a brilliant career as a virtuoso.

'Do I understand then, that you intend never never to play again? Not under any circ.u.mstances... whatever?' to play again? Not under any circ.u.mstances... whatever?'

'Well, I don't really see how I can...' I told him; and then a really brilliant idea struck me: 'Unless, of course, you would care to lend me your own instrument for the evening?'

He shuddered for some reason; and then replied that it was quite out of the question, since it was a creation of exquisite workmans.h.i.+p, believed once to have been the property of Orpheus. And on the evidence of my behaviour to date I cannot imagine what he meant by that! he was afraid I might drop it.

'No,' he continued, strumming vaguely on the gem-encrusted artefact, 'as you say, it is indeed a sad loss to Music; but, on the other hand, of course, looking on the bright side, it does mean that I needn't after all, have you put to... put to any inconvenience; or see you torn apart...

or torn apart by conflicting emotions, doesn't it? So now, I take it, you'll be returning to Corinth as soon as convenient, eh?'

I agreed that it was my intention to leave Rome, just as soon as we had completed our discussion concerning his munic.i.p.al building programme, as provisionally pencilled onto the adenda of the agenda yesterday.

A harmless enough proposition, one would have thought. But strangely, he leaped to his feet, and screamed irritably, 'I suppose you think I haven't got one, don't you?

People seem to imagine that I do simply nothing all day, but sit around writing songs, and persecuting Christians, and organising orgies, and all that...'

'And all what?' I asked him.

'That,' he replied evasively. 'But I tell you, there's a lot more to being an Emperor than you might suppose.

There's... well, there's caring and concern, and so on.

And... ah, yes... what about this? I have just received - look here! - the final winning entries for my 'Design a Capitoline' compet.i.tion from the Inst.i.tute of Architects!

There you are - how about that?'

He had produced, during the above, a sheaf of plans from a drawer in the ormolu-encrusted sarcophagus between us, and flung them triumphantly onto the table.

'These'll lead to a fine old song and dance from the conservation lobby, wouldn't you say? Progressive as all get out, they are! Make Rome absolutely unrecognisable in no time at all!'

I must admit that the plans appeared to be a most impressive example of featureless urban sprawl; and I produced my spectacles with the multi-focal lenses, the better to examine the more soul-destroying, habitat flattering details of his projected Rome New Town Conurbation; for I am, of course, a qualified architect myself, and could, I believe, have produced some distinguished work in that field, had I so chosen.

It was while I was thus engaged that Poppea entered the room, followed by a forlorn figure, which, through the high magnification of my gla.s.ses, I could have sworn was that of Barbara Wright! Startled out of my normal composure, I therefore removed the delusory pince-nez, laying them carefully on the blue-prints, and regarded the lady again from several angles, with the naked eye.

There could, incredibly, be no mistake!

It was the popular history mistress of Coal Hill Comprehensive, whom I had left safe in a.s.sissium only two days ago!

DOc.u.mENT XXVII.

Sixth Letter from Legionary (Second Cla.s.s) Ascaris Cla.s.s) Ascaris Locusta, You can hardly be surprised, I should think, that on this occasion I offer no terms of endearment or a.s.surances of filial affection, as, where you are concerned, I find I am fresh out of same, owing to not hearing from you of late amongst other things, when, if ever, I have so sorely needed a mother's guiding fist in my predicaments.

For my part, I have never hesitated to send you such news of my doings as I hoped would have been of some interest, even to a seamier citizen than you (if ever there was one, but obviously there isn't).

So, all right then, if that is your att.i.tude it will be the last of them I promise you, as I have now done with being dutiful, and in any case am leaving Rome on account of lions, with which circ.u.mstance I will not detain you owing to obvious lack of parental concern for such matters; and anyway, I have my hands full enough of the beasts for the moment, thank you or will have if they can work out how to get down a manhole. Oh, how they do so snarl and salivate down my grating!

But enough of that for now, as I would not wish to bore you further with my humdrum life-style, and if spared shall be gone by dusk to begin a new one in some corner of a foreign field if I can find it, and be myself again, which is, Ascaris.

DOc.u.mENT XXVIII.

Third Selection of Jottings from Nero's Sc.r.a.pbook Sc.r.a.pbook I do not think it could ever be said of me that I am an emperor to harbour a grudge, but I am beginning to dislike Maximus Petullian very much indeed.

I believe I have already made it clear in the privacy of these pages that my feelings towards Barbara are such as to set my soul soaring to Parna.s.sus where it writes a good deal on the subject; and I am not, therefore, apt to be pipped at the post by some rube of a troubador, however retired he may claim to be, especially when he is three times my age, twice as mad, and half as talented! It's just not on!

So you can imagine my feelings when - deep in a succinct summary of my slum clearance project for Greater Rome - I realised I had lost his attention, and he was roguishly ogling my fair betrayer from every possible angle!

Furthermore, it was at once clear that she returned his interest, the baggage; for, with a loud cry, she dropped Poppy's shopping, and flopped sobbing at the fellow's feet, whence she addressed him as 'Doctor' - obviously a barbarian term of endearment causing him to splutter: 'Shus.h.!.+'

It was clear to me, therefore, that they had met before, and moreover on terms of some intimacy; and I was about to demand an explanation with menaces, when a smell of burning distracted me from my catechism; and I discovered to my horror that my architectural extravagance, the working drawings on the basis of which the new Neropolis was to be constructed, were now slowly smouldering!

The reason for this was not at once apparent, and I was at a loss to account for the phenomenon; until Petullian interrupted my cries of ungovernable fury with an utterly inadequate 'Dear me!', detached himself from Barbara's embraces, approached the conflagration, and extracted therefrom the charred remains of an apparatus which it has been his occasional habit to balance on his nose! I had never stooped to enquire the cause of this one additional eccentricity amongst so many; but he now explained that it was an optical device intended to a.s.sist the eyesight, but he greatly feared it had now so concentrated the rays of the sun onto the parchment as to.. well, he was sorry, but I could see what had happened, couldn't I? Just one of those unfortunate things!

I was in the process of taking the in-breath necessary for a prolonged tirade, when two lions entered the room, nodded casually, and curled up on the carpet. Whereupon Petullian, rather in the manner of a prisoner in the dock asking for sixteen other offences to be taken into consideration, said that he would like to apologise for having let them out!

And after that events became somewhat confused, and conversation inarticulate, as we all made our own arrangements for the immediate future...

DOc.u.mENT XXIX.

Eighth Extract from the Doctor's Diary It is perhaps fortunate that the lions made their entrance when they did, for in another moment it is possible that Nero might have been inspired by the fortuitous inferno to initiate the burning of the city itself; a tragedy, had it really occurred, for which I would have had no wish to be held responsible, however indirectly. It is perhaps fortunate that the lions made their entrance when they did, for in another moment it is possible that Nero might have been inspired by the fortuitous inferno to initiate the burning of the city itself; a tragedy, had it really occurred, for which I would have had no wish to be held responsible, however indirectly.

Moreover, they created a useful diversion which enabled Barbara and me to leave the now chaotic throne-room, where the royal couple were clinging sloth-like to the chandeliers, and screaming for a.s.sistance.

I felt it best to take with us both the scorched plans and the imperial lyre, so that the obvious myth of Nero having 'fiddled' during the fict.i.tious fire should have no possible foundation in fact.

As we were traversing the entrance hall with these trophies, whom should we encounter but Ian Chesterton on his way in, absurdly dressed as a gladiator! I rebuked both the latter and Barbara for having disobeyed my instructions and gone gallivanting on their own, for they might well have encountered serious trouble without the benefit of my experience and supervision.

At this, they seemed amused for some reason; and I decided that, in the face of this dawning irresponsibility, my best plan would be to curtail my holiday, collect Vicki from our hotel, and return to a.s.sissium, before something serious occurred to any of my protegees.

Before doing so, however, it occurred to me that it might well benefit posterity if I were to complete the destruction of Nero's grey and grandiose scheme for the featureless construction of Rome, and perhaps therefore contribute, however slightly, to the sum of human happiness.

I therefore ignited once more the remains of the parchment and disposed of them down a sewer grating outside the Temple of Minerva.

At once there was a m.u.f.fled explosion - presumably a pocket of methane gas had proved combustible - and out of a manhole cover down the street emerged the familiar squat form of my regular a.s.sailant, attempting to beat out the flames on his tunic, as he fled once more into the gathering dusk. Well, let that that be a lesson to him not to attack inoffensive tourists! be a lesson to him not to attack inoffensive tourists!

As we left the city I looked back and drew the attention of my three companions to a really splendid sunset. So bright were the colours that it almost looked as if the entire town were ablaze; and so magnificent was the spectacle that I could not forbear to salute the apparent conflagration with a farewell performance of Thermodynamic Functions Thermodynamic Functions on Nero's lyre... on Nero's lyre...

They looked at me strangely, with expressions that in the flickering red light seemed oddly horrified...

Well, it has been a pleasantly relaxing and instructive visit.

Ave atque vale!

EPILOGUE.

A Second Epistle to The Keeper of the Imperial Archives, Rome Imperial Archives, Rome Oh, my dear Sir!

Can it be may I ask that you at last bask in the light of my remarks, and are warmed by the dawning of comprehension, however minimal?

The letter with which you have the amazing grace to cover the return of the doc.u.ments in what we may call, for convenience, the 'Quo Vadis, TARDIS?' affair (yes, we may), encourages me to suppose so; and I therefore take a certain amount of grudging pleasure in honouring you with a few fruits of my own later speculations upon them.

Now, first of all, it would seem that Nero was eminently sensible no matter what his motives may have been to secure the a.s.sa.s.sination of the real Maximus Petullian; for, as my recent researches have confirmed, he was not only a singer of subversive social-protest material, but a radical agitator whose sole purpose in visiting Italy was to secure the reestablishment of the Republic.

Moreover, the loathsome Tavius, who fortunately makes only a brief appearance in this chronicle, was just such another revolutionary, whose only motivation - beneath the 'cover' of honest slave gatherer! - was to open the floodgates of chaos to Democracy and Christianity, with all their attendant dissensions: and hence his jubilation at the death of the anonymous centurion, who, it seems, was head of Counter Intelligence.

The mysterious Doctor was, therefore, entirely correct to have no truck with the traitorous fellow, and his instincts were of the soundest when he expressed his determination not to become involved in any form of conspiracy which might conceivably lead to the Overthrow of Empire and the Downfall of Civilisation. In fact, his non-interventionist att.i.tude, as revealed in the diary (which he later left, presumably inadvertently, on the kitchen table in a.s.sissium, together with Chesterton's Journal, which he had apparently confiscated for its hyper-critical content) deserves nothing but praise.

We have to set against this, however, the fact that he first of all introduced the concept of atonal composition to Roman music; then released several lions into the streets of Rome; and, finally, accidentally set fire to that city; and these matters can hardly be overlooked - especially since Nero was subsequently blamed for all of them, proclaimed a public enemy by the Senate, and driven to his death; which, in retrospect, can only seem a very unfortunate misunderstanding!

Now, since this misunderstanding is the primary basis for the claims to the Imperial Purple of Emperors Galba, Otho, Vespasian, Trajan (the well-known columnist), and our current genial inc.u.mbent, Hadrian (whom Jupiter preserve), you will perhaps understand why I have been hesitant to bring the somewhat embarra.s.sing circ.u.mstances of his legally unsound position before the Emperor.

He is not a man p.r.o.ne to brook criticism lightly; and, in any case, it is a bit late now for anyone to do anything at all about it, so it is my considered inclination to let the matter drop.

I would, in fact, suggest that all the relevant papers be covered by the Official Secrets Act; and not released, if at all, until, let us say, the year 1987...

However, should your bureaucratic bigotry lead you not to share my reticence, then I have one suggestion to make which might be of some a.s.sistance.

I hear from my father-in-law, General Agricola, that the building of Hadrian's projected wall is being hampered by the presence in the construction team of Legionary (now Fourth Cla.s.s) Ascaris!

Supposing, therefore, that he were to he recalled to Rome to face various charges arising from his indiscreet correspondence, so sensibly handed to me by his mother, Locusta, in return for instant cash... Then he could well be made to seem responsible for the whole ghastly fiasco, our problem would be neatly resolved, and I could remain, for the foreseeable future, Your relieved historian, Tacitus.

Post Scriptum: In view of all the circ.u.mstances, may I now look forward with confidence to receiving your cheque by return of post?

T.