Russel Middlebrook: Double Feature Part 17

She laughed. "I love that show. I have all six seasons. And it's not just the lesbian subtext or whatever. I like that it's so dark-that the world is this bleak, scary place, and that Xena has this ugly, evil past that she has to atone for."

"Oh, I completely agree," I said. "And I just love all the self-sacrifice. Again and again, Xena has to make some impossible sacrifice-giving her son away to be raised by centaurs, taking Callisto's place in h.e.l.l, even forfeiting her life!-all because she has to make amends for that evil past, but also because these things are just the right thing to do. And most of the time, no one except her sidekick Gabrielle even knows the true cost of her sacrifice. I love that!"

Leah laughed again.

I looked at Leah's coat, which she'd put on her bed.

"Hey," I said, "let's switch coats."

"What?" she said.

"Let's trade."

"I'm, like, three feet taller than you."

"Okay, then let me just try it on." I slipped hers on. It 96 was way too big, even with the sleeves rolled up. However, it smelled like her. It felt like I was wrapping her around me. "Just for a little while, okay?" "Really?" said Leah. "Like I'm a guy giving you his letterman jacket?"

"Yes, except that I don't go for the butch-femme thing. And even if I did, you would so not be the butch."

"Okay. It's not like I can wear that jacket to school anyway."

I fingered one of the epaulets. "What do you want to do now?"

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. "Leah!" her mom called. "Your friends are here!"

Leah and I stared at each other, eyes wide. Friends? Outside the door, the stairs squeaked and groaned under approaching footsteps.

A second later, Dade, Savannah, and Alexis glided into the room. Each one was wearing torn jeans and sipping a different brand of diet cola.

"Hey, Leah!" said Dade.

"Oh," said Alexis, noticing me. "Min." She wasn't being an outright b.i.t.c.h, but she didn't sound ecstatic to see me.

"Hi," I said to them all. Suddenly the bedroom felt too crowded, like an elevator way over capacity. I definitely 97 wanted to get off. They all took seats-on the bed and at the desk. They reminded me of cats, sinking into sleek, angular resting positions. Leah and I stayed standing. If we'd been animals, it would have been something twitchy and anxious, like squirrels.

"So what's going on?" Leah asked her friends. "Nada," said Savannah. "We were just hanging." She looked at me. "What, did you and Leah trade jackets?"

"I'm just borrowing it," I said. I could tell from her expression exactly what she thought of that decision.

"We were just hanging too," said Leah. As I watched, she relaxed before my eyes, becoming more catlike by the second. I tried to relax like Leah, but the best I could do was only something slightly less twitchy, like a rabbit. How was it, I wondered, that her friends couldn't see from her bedroom what a d.y.k.e Leah was? She had a poster of Xena on her door, for Christ's sake! Was it because she didn't "look" like a lesbian?

"I can't believe Debbie didn't go crazy when he posted those pictures on the Internet!" Savannah was saying.

"Don't tell me she didn't know," said Alexis. "She knew. I know she knew."

98 "Why didn't she post the pictures of Zack?" said Dade.

"d.a.m.n, he is so hot."

"Yeah," said Alexis, "but that army surplus thing has so got to go."

"I like it," said Savannah. "It goes with his Hummer." Leah's friends kept talking about their school and people they knew. No one asked me anything, and Leah hardly contributed anything herself. I pretended to listen, but really I tuned them out. At this point, my plan was to stay as long as necessary to be polite, and then take the first opportunity to leave.

"Oh, my G.o.d, Hunter is such a f.a.g!" said Dade suddenly. That perked me up.

"Did you see that s.h.i.+rt?" Dade went on. "He looked like a pirate!"

"A gay pirate!" said Savannah.

"A gay pirate from the sixties," said Alexis. "It was tiedyed, people. Tie-dyed!"

"And don't get me started on all his little friends," added Dade. "I see them prancing down the hallways on their way to play rehearsal."

Leah didn't say anything. Suddenly it was absolutely imperative that she rearrange the plastic monsters on one of her shelves. That said, at least she didn't look like a relaxed cat anymore. 99 "Why do they have to go to our school anyway?" said Savannah. "I thought they had their own high school. Harvey Mink or something."

"Milk," said Dade. "And that's in New York."

"So?" said Savannah. "Why can't they go there? We can s.h.i.+p all the f.a.gs to New York, then we can blow up the bridges, like what they did to all the criminals in that movie Escape from New York."

I glared at Leah, but she was snapping a tiny plastic bat back onto Dracula's shoulder, so she didn't notice. Meanwhile, her friends didn't notice my bug-eyed expression either, because they were still ignoring me, as if I didn't even exist.

Leah had to know I was upset by her friends' rank h.o.m.ophobia. How could she not be upset? So why didn't she say something? However, no matter how hard I glared at her, she wouldn't even look up.

100.

CHAPTER SEVEN.

Here's the thing. I wasn't that upset with Leah's friends for making those antigay comments. Yes, they were stupid and bigoted, but that was about what I expected 101 from people like them. What upset me was that Leah didn't say anything-that she still wasn't saying anything.

My eyes were lasers burning into her head. She fiddled with her mummy now, which was ironic, because in my mind she'd turned into something of a monster herself.

At last she turned to face her friends.

"Did you guys know there's no evidence that pirates ever made anyone walk the plank?" she said loudly. "Which isn't to say they didn't throw a lot of people overboard."

Nice try, I thought. Changing the subject, however, is the same as not saying anything.

"Uh, that's real interesting," said Alexis. "But what the h.e.l.l does that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing," said Leah. "You guys just mentioned pirates."

"Gay pirates!" said Savannah. "We were talking about Hunter and his f.a.ggy friends."

I still didn't speak up, even though it was killing me not to. I had to see if Leah ever would. It was a test of sorts.

"Well," said Leah, trying again to change the subject, "he doesn't have anything on Loren. The guy has, what, one T-s.h.i.+rt?"

"Someone told me it's not all the same s.h.i.+rt," said Dade. "He has, like, ten identical ones."

102 "That's true!" said Savannah. "He sits in front of me in English, and there's this yellow stain on the neck. But it only shows up once every two weeks!" In other words, this time it worked, and the subject really did change. Leah never had said anything about the antigay comments.

Dade and the others kept chattering on about boys, and clothes, and TV shows. By the time they rose to leave twenty minutes later, no one had even noticed that in all the time since they'd made those h.o.m.ophobic comments, I still hadn't said one word.

"Okay," said Leah as they were leaving. "Bye! See you soon."

They left, and Leah and I were alone.

I cleared my throat.

"Don't start," said Leah.

"Don't start what?" I said. I didn't sound nearly as inno- cent as I'd intended.

"Look, you didn't say anything either."

This made me mad. "Because I was waiting to see if you would! Because I thought you would jump all over me if I did!" She fell straight back on her bed. "Min," she said wearily, "I already told you. I'm not ready to come out."

"This has nothing to do with coming out!" I shouted.

We had officially reached the outburst stage. "This has to 103 do with not tolerating bigotry!"

"Yeah, well, in this case, it's the same thing."

"Let me get this straight. If you'd called them on those stupid jokes, they would have thought you were a lesbian?" "Maybe! Between that and finding me alone in my room with you."

"The girl with purple hair."

"Yes! The girl with purple hair! I keep explaining this to you, and you say you understand, but you never do!"

I fumbled for the door. "I can't talk about this right now. I need to think."

"Fine," said Leah. "Go think. While you're gone, I'll think too!"

I slammed her door on the way out.

I had already left the house and was in my car before I realized that I was still wearing her coat.

I was too mad to think; it was all I could do to keep my hands on the wheel as I drove home. A few minutes after setting out, however, I pa.s.sed a familiar car. I was sure it was Kevin's. I don't know why I cared, but I couldn't help but wonder where he was going on a Friday night.

104 I was still too furious with Leah to think about the whole situation with her. Kevin's car, however, suddenly gave me something else to focus on. I clung to it like a boulder in the middle of a raging current.

I needed direction, and Kevin's car gave me some, so I turned my car around and followed his. He pulled into the lot of a deserted park. A playground of sand ab.u.t.ted a soccer field. Beyond the playground, next to a greenbelt, a picnic gazebo rose from a strip of gra.s.s.

I parked my car on a side street and watched as Kevin hurried across the park toward the gazebo. I recognized this place. It's where Russel and Kevin used to meet when they were still going out. Russel had pointed it out to me.

That had to be why Kevin had come here now: to rendezvous with Russel. They must have made plans to meet just like before.

Were they getting back together again? Suddenly I understood why Russel had been so distracted lately. But what about Otto? Was Russel planning on leaving him?

I thought about the conversation I'd had with Otto the day before, how he had reminded me so much of Russel. Otto and Russel were perfect together. Kevin, meanwhile, was a selfish weasel.

There wasn't anyone waiting for Kevin under the picnic 105 gazebo. He had beat Russel here. I desperately needed to talk to Kevin before Russel arrived. I slipped out of my car and started toward the gazebo. I pa.s.sed the playground of sand, which had a jungle gym made up of two sets of a monkey bars-one in the shape of a teepee, one in the shape of a wagon. The sun had set long ago, and the park had no streetlamps, so everything was dark. I was struck by how different everything looked at night. Nothing had texture or shade; everything was either light or dark. It felt like I'd stepped right into a black-andwhite movie. I could only hope it wasn't a monster movie.

As I approached the gazebo, Kevin peered out at me through the darkness. "Russel?" he said. "Is that you?" He had mistaken me for a guy because I was wearing Leah's coat.

"No," I said, stepping into the gazebo. Russel hadn't been kidding about this place being stinky. The smell of methane was overpowering.

" Min?" he said, flabbergasted. "What are you doing here?"

"The question is, what are you doing here?"

He turned away. "That's none of your business." In the black-and-white movie in my mind, he looked different 106 too: flatter, almost two-dimensional, but cleaner. His fea tures stood out in the moonlight, a cla.s.sic leading man. "Come on," I said. "I know why you're here. You're meeting Russel."

The silhouette that was Kevin just shrugged. "Maybe." "Please don't do this."

"Don't do what?" said Kevin.

"What you've been doing all along, which is try to win him back."

"I don't see how any of this is any of your busi-" "He's my best friend," I spoke emphatically. "I care about him. That makes it my business."

"Min, just go."

I couldn't go yet. It had something to do with what had just happened with Leah. I couldn't figure out how to react to her, what was the right thing to do. It was all blurry in my mind. This situation was clearer. I guess I had more perspective when it came to someone else's life.

"Russel has moved on," I said. "He has a new boyfriend now. It's time for you to let him go."

"I'm sorry," said Kevin. "But don't you think that's Russel's decision, not yours?"

"You're right," I said. "It's not my decision. But it's not Russel's either. It's yours."

Kevin looked over at me, squinting. The confusion was 107 clear on his face.

"I'm sure Russel still has feelings for you," I said. "Don't you know how you broke his heart? He pretended to be strong, but he wasn't. He was devastated. Do you know how many times he cried in my arms? His feelings were so strong then that he just might go and do something really stupid now and dump Otto to get back together with you.

And why wouldn't he? You've planned and schemed it all perfectly. Don't think I don't know how you left your headlights on on purpose!"

"It wasn't a scheme," mumbled Kevin.

"Is it because you're an athlete? You like to win? It somehow drives you crazy that you lost Russel, so now you want him back? That's it, isn't it?"

"No!" said Kevin, his fists clenched, wrestling with imaginary manacles and chains. "That's not it! Did you ever think that maybe I love him too? That maybe I cried just as much as he did? And that eventually I realized what a stupid mistake I'd made? You think it was easy coming out to the whole school? When you guys came out, you had each other, the whole Geography Club. But I had to do it alone! But I did it for him, because I know how important it is to him."

108 Kevin had a point. It hadn't occurred to me that he'd had to come out alone. He'd probably also lost friends, and quite a bit of his popularity, because of his action. I remembered his black eye that one morning in the parking lot. I couldn't help but think of Leah. Would she pay such a price to get together with me? The evidence spoke against it.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to Kevin. "Maybe you do love him. And I didn't think how hard coming out must have been for you."

"I just want another chance." Yes, Kevin loved Russel. I accepted that. Even so, that didn't mean they belonged together. Russel had moved on, and he and Otto were now perfect together.