Infinite Jest Part 55

'I tagged this kid Pemberton in the eye up at net. It was inadvertent. We were only four games in. He hit a big soft fluffy goose of an approach and I was trying to handcuff him. I hit it at him only to handcuff him. He never even got his stick up. Right in the left socket. It made a sound like a champagne cork. A prorector named Corbett Thorp said he thought Pemberton might have detached a retina. Something sure seemed detached. He was walking around in diminis.h.i.+ng circles like he'd been hit with a mallet.'

'You sound really, like, remorse-riddled.'

'Kitchens and heat, O. I've taken my share of b.a.l.l.s in various spots. And whence bizarre metric theories about Emily d.i.c.kinson all of a sudden, by the way? And what's up with the lurking figures with wheelchairs?'

'You're a Top-Ten junior stickman suddenly now this year, Hallie, what's Scht.i.tt doing giving you a cloth mouse like Hugh Pemberton to bat around anyway?'

'You remember him?' 'Who could forget a kid that looks like he's curtsying when he serves? With the white visor and the little amber gla.s.ses? That kid's been hanging from the bottom of the ladder by his nails since he was nine.'

'It's been carnage all week. Scht.i.tt's playing the C teams against the A's. It's for the C's' development, Donni said. Also because today word's down from the tower some of the staff thought some of the A's looked tentative against Port Wash.'

'They despise tentativity.'

'I think they want us just short of c.o.c.ky for the Fundraiser and then the WhataBurger, where Wayne's got a chance to knock this Veach kid off the pole.'

'Let's not forget you though either, H. I can get down for at least the WhataBurger semis if you get there, if you want incentive.'

'As in in person, O.?'

'Word is you're worth watching now.'

'Word?'

'I keep my ear to the cement, Hallie.'

'At least for very short Subjects, I'd imagine.'

'We take off for the Patriots that Friday, what is that like the 27th or -8th, but it's a Sat.u.r.day afternoon game. I can be down there by midday Sunday if you're still in the thick.'

'You'll probably need to wear some sort of sign around your neck so I know it's you.'

'So then you'll be up here just as we're down there, oddly, playing.'

'It goes without saying you'd give me the advance skinny if anybody I didn't want to see was by any chance flying down there with you guys.'

'The C versus A thing's been more like grotesque than confidence-building. Guys are taking out stress in kind of twisted ways. Struck beat Gloeckner in 40 minutes and then made a show of revealing he'd had 3-kilo ankle-weights on under his socks. Wayne made van Slack cry right there in front of everybody.'

'Word is Wayne has exactly one gear.'

'Then Thursday Coyle had his left wrist tied to his right ankle and was still beating this new kid Stockhausen until Scht.i.tt sent Tex Watson down to tell him to knock it off.'

'So but the reason I'm really calling, Hallie.'

'And you're being evasive about the dread about the disabled. The like rolling stalkers.'

'I haven't seen wheel one in days. I'm thinking possibly this was a kind of very shy sort of fan club of people without legs that look up to me -'

'Grotesque entendre, O.'

'- as, like, the ultimate leg. They use different ruses to follow me around and never come close or say anything because they're really shy because they don't have legs. So now my mind's resting easier.'

'Now if the roach- and spiders-at-heights fears'd subside you could really hold the head high.'

'So the reason I'm calling.'

'I already said I'd let you know when and if. No sightings of any journalists. Your Moment Moment profiler.' profiler.'

'I'm actually glad I got you in person. I was going to ask you to call me ASAP.'

'I'm pleased to call you a sap whenever you like, O.'

'That's below you. And I can hear you still chewing that grisly s.h.i.+t. That s.h.i.+t's going to make your lower jaw fall right off. I've seen it happen down here, believe me. And you're wondering why the tooth problems all the time suddenly.'

'Snuff's saliva-stimulating. It's actually oral-hygiene-enhancing, when you factor in all the extra brus.h.i.+ng. The caries are Himself's legacy. You know that. The Himself whose root ca.n.a.ls put Dr. Zegarelli's kids through Andover.'

'This basically nonsocial call, H., is because I need your feedback on some issues from these half-dozen or so very complex and far-ranging and in-depth conversations I had with a certain Subject.'

'Not the mobile-home person, surely.'

'Whole different ballpark of Subject. The d.i.c.kinson theory I have to admit came from these conversations.'

'Sounds like one deep lady.'

'Whole levels and dimensions to this one. We've had a whole series of very intense verbal interchanges. Transcendentalist poetics was just one of the in-depth issues ranged over. This subject keeps me on the cerebral toes.'

'd.i.c.kinson's about as Transcendentalist as Poe. Your Subject's 0 for 2.'

'This is all off to the side of the call. I told this Subject I'd consider certain issues very carefully before I really responded.'

'Which meant you'd consider what she wanted to hear and how to ladle it on until she begs you to have intercourse with her.'

'I hence need considered-sounding responses to two basic questions.'

'Why this sick thing of making me complicit in these Strategic pursuits when you know I think they're troubled and sick? It's like asking somebody to help you culture anthrax or something.'

'Just two questions is all.'

'Now I'm beginning almost to be able to feel my pulse in the tooth, it feels like the infection's gathering force so fast.'

'Firstly, what does the following word I can't find in the dictionary mean: s-a-m-i-z-d-a-t.'

'Samizdat. Russian compound noun. Soviet twentieth-century idiom. Sam Sam - stem: "self"; - stem: "self"; izdat izdat - undeclined verb: "to publish." I think the literal denotation's technically archaic: the sub-rosa dissemination of politically charged materials that were banned when the Eschaton-era Kremlin was going around banning things. Connotatively, the generic meaning now is any sort of politically underground or beyond-the-pale press or the stuff published thereby. There's no real samizdat in the U.S. per se, First Amendment wise, I don't think. I suppose ultra-radical Quebecois and Albertan stuff could be considered O.N.A.N.ite samizdat.' - undeclined verb: "to publish." I think the literal denotation's technically archaic: the sub-rosa dissemination of politically charged materials that were banned when the Eschaton-era Kremlin was going around banning things. Connotatively, the generic meaning now is any sort of politically underground or beyond-the-pale press or the stuff published thereby. There's no real samizdat in the U.S. per se, First Amendment wise, I don't think. I suppose ultra-radical Quebecois and Albertan stuff could be considered O.N.A.N.ite samizdat.'

'Pow.'

'Not just Separatisteur pamphlets, now. It'd have to be more incendiary. Materials advocating violence, destruction of property, disruption of Grids, anti-O.N.A.N. terrorism and so on. I don't think O.N.A.N.'s got technical bans per se, I don't think, but Poutrincourt said the R.C.M.P.s are empowered to impound literature and even desktop-publis.h.i.+ng and InterLink hardware et cetera without any sort of warrant.'

'R.C.M.P.'

'Mounties, O.'

'The Nelson Eddy guys in silly hats and equestrian jaspers.'

'Close enough. Next question.'

'So you'd have no idea why The Mad Stork's name would come up in connection with somebody saying samizdat samizdat.'

'This is the second question?' 'Call it 1(a).'

'Not in any strict sense of the term. I guess I could see some Separatisteurs trying to read The ONANtiad The ONANtiad or or Brick Brick as anti-Reconfiguration films. Maybe stuff like as anti-Reconfiguration films. Maybe stuff like Poultry in Motion Poultry in Motion. A lot of Himself's stuff was self-distributed, too. And Immanent Domain Immanent Domain's allegedly on one level an allegory about the Concavity, though that overlooks that Gentle wasn't even President when the thing came out. But you can tell your Subject that Himself's work was all very self-consciously American. His interest in politics was subordinate to form. Always. And none of it's banned. Whatever's still on the InterLace back-menus is inter-Grid: you can order The ONANtiad The ONANtiad in Manitoba, Vera Cruz, anywhere.' in Manitoba, Vera Cruz, anywhere.'

'Speaking of Quebec Separatism, interestingly.'

'Why do I get a sinking feeling this is going to be 1(a)-point-one or something. Maybe I could call you back tomorrow and we could chat on and on. I'm going to be here reading for Boards till the Eschaton at 1400. Holiday tolls are low.'

'It's my nickel, here.'

'Or maybe you could simply call the person who's really the person to chat with about all issues Canadian, O.'

'Droll.'

'Moving right along to question 2, then - my Epsom salts are getting cold.'

'The big one is what you'd have to say if some tough-minded and spectacular Subject asked you what you have to say about the way every Nuck Separatisteur up there, from the Bloc Quebecois and Fils de Montcalm all the way out to the really bug-eyed radical fringe-type sects and terroristic cells -'

'I'm going to have to object to the word Nuck, Nuck, O.' O.'

'Beg pardon. The issue being why the whole Quebec-Separatisteur collection up there dropped the original Quebec-independence objective like a rock and switched seemingly overnight to putting everything into agitating against O.N.A.N. and the Reconfiguration and forcing the return of the Concavity to our map.'

'O., this is O.N.A.N.ite politics. I'd look my Subject right in the big blue eye and tell her straight-out that the field of nanomicroscopy is not yet advanced enough to measure my interest in the intricacies of O.N.A.N.ite politics. Poutrincourt's cla.s.s is disquieting enough. The whole thing's unpleasant and dry and repet.i.tive and mostly dull. Thevet has a kind of compelling romanto-historical yarn to spin, though, about -'

'I'm serious. You've had some background, at least. The only Nuck prorector we ever got taught ceramics.'

'But you're the one with the Pleiades and the 5 on the French Achievement boards and the ability to trill your R R's.'

'That's Parisian. And now I don't even watch the sports summaries, much less the political stuff. Just try for just one second. This Subject raised issues that were way out of my depth.'

'That's not even coherent enough to be a mixed metaphor, O. Are you honestly telling me you want your depth increased? Or are you just looking for some Cliff-Note summary so you can incorporate the impression of depth into some new panty-removal campaign? Are you going to tell her you studied O.N.A.N.ite politics under the Jesuits?'

'The whole thing was dicey. I had to tell the Subject that I had to think about it and ponder, that I always took time to ponder at depth before I just dashed off an opinion.'

'And don't tell me: this is your Moment Moment profiler? Your Boswell in an E cup? Is this why she's en route? Was the whole familio-historical profile story last week a dodge? Am I really just supposed to sit down with her and paint you now as a political-minded ex-seminarian who's married to someone only some sort of heroically proportioned G.o.ddess could tempt you to betray? Because I'll tell you right now that Scht.i.tt's not going to let any of us here talk to anybody from some glossy rag like profiler? Your Boswell in an E cup? Is this why she's en route? Was the whole familio-historical profile story last week a dodge? Am I really just supposed to sit down with her and paint you now as a political-minded ex-seminarian who's married to someone only some sort of heroically proportioned G.o.ddess could tempt you to betray? Because I'll tell you right now that Scht.i.tt's not going to let any of us here talk to anybody from some glossy rag like Moment Moment without him or deLint sitting right there with us. Gone are the days of Himself not caring how many who's-the-next-Venus-Williams-hype journalists haunt the grounds, man. Scht.i.tt's now calling the shots on who talks to whom. DeLint has a whole scathing appendix to the Admissions Manual about junior development and toxic hype.' without him or deLint sitting right there with us. Gone are the days of Himself not caring how many who's-the-next-Venus-Williams-hype journalists haunt the grounds, man. Scht.i.tt's now calling the shots on who talks to whom. DeLint has a whole scathing appendix to the Admissions Manual about junior development and toxic hype.'

'Helen'll be able to get in.'

'Scht.i.tt's not going to let me hype your political acuity or pseudo-wife or anything else. He's got C.T. seeing this place as a sort of prophylactic against commercial attention. He thinks junior commercial attention's deforming. The Manual now invites us to see ourselves as in utero and hype as thalidomide. Scht.i.tt'll let her in and stick her in with C.T. and let C.T. filibuster her till she throws herself out the window like that journalist from Conde Nast last fall.'

'Forget the profile. Speak to her or don't. This is personal.'

'Meaning you've discovered she has small children and maybe a marriage you can deform.'

'I'm ignoring all this. Helen's a different sort of Subject. I've discovered levels and dimensions to Helen that have nothing to do with profiles.'

'Meaning she's a tough nut. Meaning you've set your crosshairs and she hasn't succ.u.mbed. And she knows you're not married and not a tormented Jesuit. She's Strategy-resistant because she knows too much to fall for a persona.'

'Co-ponder with me a second, if you're through. Stop me at any time. Jump right in at any time. On both the ultra-left and -right, the bra.s.s ring up there has always been independent secession for Quebec, historically, no? Am I off? The Fronte Liberation and so on? The Fils de Montcalm. Or is it maybe du? du? Are they the ones in Spandex and pancake makeup? The giant pies dropped on Ottawa after the third Meech Lake Accord?' Are they the ones in Spandex and pancake makeup? The giant pies dropped on Ottawa after the third Meech Lake Accord?'

'Parizeau et all and so on. Feel free to stop me or jump in. It all'd been about getting Quebec out of Canada, right? The Meech Lake and Charlottetown revolts. The Cretien a.s.sa.s.sination. "Notre Rai Pays." Terrorists in plaid flannel. French Canada for the Fran-cophonic. Acadian Zionism. "La Quebecois Toujours." "On ne parle d'Anglais ici." '

'With all the terrorism especially directed at Ottawa, pressure on Ottawa and Canada. "Permettez Nous Partir, Permettez Nous etre." Or we blow up the Frontenac. Or we irradiate Winnipeg. Or we put a railroad-spike through Cretien's eye. This is not exactly deep-depth, O.'

'Yes and then but suddenly everything changes when Ottawa, under duress or no, puts itself under the surgically sterile like thumb of O.N.A.N., with the advent of O.N.A.N., Gentle, quote unquote Experialism.'

'You don't sound like you need any input from me on all this, O.'

'But so but then in immediate unison immediate unison all the various different Separatist groups drop secession and independence like rocks and all transfer their insurgent resentment to O.N.A.N. and the U.S., and now insurge against O.N.A.N. on behalf of the same Canada they'd spent decades treating like the enemy. Does this seem a little bit odd?' all the various different Separatist groups drop secession and independence like rocks and all transfer their insurgent resentment to O.N.A.N. and the U.S., and now insurge against O.N.A.N. on behalf of the same Canada they'd spent decades treating like the enemy. Does this seem a little bit odd?'

'Doesn't this seem a little odd, Hallie?'

'I'm really the wrong blood-relative to ask about the intricacies of the Canadian radical mind, O. We have a blood-relative who's got dual citizens.h.i.+p, if you recall. Who I'm sure'd be overjoyed to ponder Separatist ideological flux with you all you want and then some. I'm sure. Once her jaw recovered from being unhinged by joy that you actually called.'

'I'm slapping not one but both knees at the dro-'

' 'd you know she's never once asked me whether b.o.o.boo and I hear from you? Not once. A sort of appalled pride. She's ashamed of even hurting over it, some -'

'Kidding all off to the side, I'm serious about this. The oddness of it. You know I respect your frontal lobes, Hallie. I'm asking for depth, not any kind of expertise.'

'You just ignored the meat of everything I just said. You're like an old person about this. With an old person's weird selective hearing.'

'I'm going to let this whole pot-insulting-the-kettle on selective awareness of things just slide right on by. As a gesture that this is a serious call. Why they all seemingly with one mind switched objectives.'

'And acting on behalf of the whole of Canada, Quebec, suddenly, is what you want explained. Or do you simply want it confirmed as odd?'

'The Subject cited polls from when they were still bothering to take polls up there that said like upwards of four-fifths of all Canadians wanted out of O.N.A.N. and hoped President Gentle had a ghastly accident in his UV-booth, et cetera.'

'So the second and final question concerns this s.h.i.+ft from anti-Canadian Quebecer nationalism to anti-O.N.A.N. Canadian nationalism.'

'What I was thinking is is this maybe a textbook case of Johnny-Gentle-type-find-an-enemy-for-a-divided-nation-to-come-together-by-blaming-and-hating theory in action? Is this somehow Quebec like circling its wagons with Alberta and all the other provinces in the face of a common enemy?'

'Hal?'