Seriously I'm Kidding Part 9

Sleep

I just read an interesting statistic: 49 percent of people think it's "wheel barrel," not "wheelbarrow." I also read that 33 percent of Americans suffer from some sort of sleep disorder. That's a lot of people. According to my math, that means nearly 104 percent of the people reading this book right now have trouble sleeping at night. just read an interesting statistic: 49 percent of people think it's "wheel barrel," not "wheelbarrow." I also read that 33 percent of Americans suffer from some sort of sleep disorder. That's a lot of people. According to my math, that means nearly 104 percent of the people reading this book right now have trouble sleeping at night.

About half of you out there are going to take sleeping pills to try and fall asleep, and I have to admit that worries me. I'm not a doctor or a mother or that older woman from Touched by an Angel Touched by an Angel who tried to guide people on the right path, but when I hear about friends and loved ones who are on sleeping pills, for some reason I just want to steer them away from doing that. who tried to guide people on the right path, but when I hear about friends and loved ones who are on sleeping pills, for some reason I just want to steer them away from doing that.

I know why I worry. It's because of all the stories I've heard about people who do some pretty crazy things while they're on sleeping pills-things like walking in their sleep, driving in their sleep, even eating in their sleep. Some people do more in their sleep than I do in a whole weekend.

Sleep-eating is fascinating to me. People get up in the middle of the night and start eating things they find around the house-sometimes things that aren't even edible. And they have absolutely no memory of it until they wake up the next morning and find the remnants of a half-eaten sofa in their great room.

Some people only find out they've been sleep-eating after they start to gain weight. I read about someone who gained seven pounds and had no idea how. Can you imagine waking up one day full of pudding and having to ask your spouse, "Honey, quick question-did we go on a ten-day cruise last night?"

Sleep is one of the most important things we need to stay happy and healthy, and being the type of person that I am, I want to help each and every one of my sleep-deprived readers in any way I can. I thought of some things you can do to get to sleep without drugs. So if you, dear reader, are one of the millions of sufferers, please read on while I attempt to cure you.

Now, some of you are probably reading this book in bed to try and fall asleep. Silly! Unless you get tired from laughing too hard, this isn't the kind of book that's going to knock you out. You need to read something boring, like a story written by Harry Connick Jr. or something. Or better yet, a math or science textbook. That'll put you right out. But by the time you find one of those lying around your house, it's gonna be midnight. Plus, I don't want you to have to get up from bed right now. You'll end up tripping over a lamp cord on your way to the bookshelf. The cord will knock over the lamp, causing the lightbulb inside to shatter into a million pieces. You'll keep walking, trying to avoid all the gla.s.s but how can you, it's all tiny, tiny shards scattered about a s.h.a.g rug. So you'll accidentally step on a piece and you'll scream, "Shoot!" because your New Year's resolution was to curse less and, even though it's hard, you've managed to hold pretty true to your word. Except for that one time when you jammed your finger in the car window outside church and you yelled such a specific, horrible series of expletives that you actually had to stop going to that church and go to the one in the neighboring town.

After you yell "Shoot!" your wife or husband or son or daughter will wake up from all the commotion. Your son was probably awake anyway because he just got home after sneaking out of the house to meet his friends in the mall parking lot. That's always been your greatest fear. You worry that he goes there to cause mischief but really he's a good kid who just wants to fit in and hang out with his friends. He's actually never even touched a cigarette let alone smoked one, or smoked anything for that matter. I mean, one time he tried cocaine but that was only because his friends told him it was sugar and who doesn't love sugar? Especially after sleeping with a hooker. I'm not saying your son slept with a hooker, I'm just saying everyone loves sugar.

So your son runs into the living room to see what happened. He finds you clutching your foot, which is bleeding from the gla.s.s, muttering curses under your breath. It's actually a nice moment because he gets you some ice and asks if you're okay. You tell him you are and you ask him if you can borrow one of his algebra textbooks because you're having trouble sleeping. Turns out he's a senior in high school and he hasn't taken algebra in three years, he takes calculus now. He gets upset that you don't know anything about him, yells something about his "real dad," and storms out of the house. But he never tells you where his calculus books are, so you're back to square one, only worse off because of the gla.s.s in your foot and the sadness in your heart.

So what I've done for you is included some math equations here in this chapter. You just have to read them and you'll be dreaming of rainbows or puppies or being naked in English cla.s.s in no time at all.

E=MC2. Are you still awake?

The square root of 144 is 12. Still up?

If a train carrying cargo pants is traveling due east at 50 miles an hour and a bus carrying bananas is traveling north at 60 miles an hour, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Have you fallen asleep yet?

Okay, if that didn't do the trick, I have more help to offer. People love to count sheep to go to sleep. But that can be hard, too, because you have to get out of bed, find a reputable shepherd in your area, and hope they can deliver you over 109 sheep on a moment's notice. So what I'm going to recommend instead is that you count-stay with me-imaginary sheep. Yep, that's why they pay me the big bucks. For ideas like that.

Let's do it together. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Fourteen. Twenty. Twenty-one. Twenty-two. Forty-eight. You know what, I'm not great at counting. Let's move on.

I have one more idea. This will work best if you pretend I'm hovering over your face swinging a pocket watch from side to side. Stare straight ahead. You're getting very sleeeeeeepy. Verrrrrryyyyy sleeeeeepyyyyyyyyy. Verrrrryyyyyy-wait! WAKE UP! I just realized something very important. I don't want you waking up in the morning, going to work, and telling people you fell asleep last night reading my book. That would be horrible! What would they think?! They would think my book is boring and dull. I can't have that. Wake up! Go get yourself a cup of coffee, pour some Red Bull in it, splash some cold water on your face, and read on!

Letter to Mall Security

To Whom It May Concern:I am writing in regard to your letter dated March third where you cite my potential involvement in what your company has deemed the "Vase Breaking Incident."First of all, kudos to your team for tracking me down so quickly using, I a.s.sume, only my license plate number. I a.s.sure you I was not "fleeing the scene" as your letter indicated. I was simply on my way to an appointment I suddenly remembered I had. And the reason you may have heard the words "See ya, suckers" as I drove away was because I happened to have a song playing in my car with the lyrics "See ya, suckers, bye-bye, mall cops, try and get me if you can."I am willing to admit that it was in fact me riding around the mall on the Segway I borrowed from a mall security officer. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the chaos that ensued.It was never my intention to ride the Segway all the way through the mall, up the escalator in Macy's, down the escalator in JCPenney, around the parking lot, and into the kitchen of the Cheesecake Factory. I thought I was taking it back to mall security headquarters, which I realize now is inside the mall under the sign that says "Mall Security Headquarters" and not inside the Dumpster outside the restaurant.As for the vase, I did not break it and I'm happy to explain how it ended up shattered all over the floor of Pottery Barn. What happened was, after I did a bit of shopping in the mall, I was tired and decided to sit down inside the Pottery Barn store on the second level. They have the most comfortable sofas by far. I must have dozed off and about an hour or so later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. When I sprang up off the sofa, the reason I punched the Pottery Barn employee in the face was because at that time I was having a dream about being a pro boxer and fighting Mike Tyson inside a Crate & Barrel. Weird, I know, since I was actually, as I stated earlier, inside a Pottery Barn.The employee-I think his name was Jon or Joe or Wisconsin; I don't know, everyone's got weird names nowadays-asked me to leave the store because I wasn't buying anything and other customers wanted to try out the sofa. He was rude and I told him how I felt.Just then my phone rang. It was a friend of mine named Carol who I hadn't talked to in months and months. She had some very exciting news to share about a promotion at work. I won't go into the specifics, but she's been working in the sales department of a large telecommunications company for almost twenty-three years and she's been waiting for a promotion for a long, long time. They've had cutbacks over the years and it's a hard time right now because so many people are switching to cell phones. Do you know that barely anyone has a landline anymore? Carol is a landline specialist. I don't know if that's her exact t.i.tle, but that's her department. I always feel a little guilty when she has to call me on my cell phone, like it's a direct attack on what she does for a living. She doesn't feel that way. We've talked about it before and she has no problem with it, it's just something I always think about. But it's conversations like that, where you really get stuff out in the open, that make friends.h.i.+ps stronger.So when Carol told me about her big promotion to vice president or president or something of the entire company-I'm not sure which, it's very hard to hear inside a mall-I got so excited I started jumping up and down on the sofa. Well, that apparently knocked some cus.h.i.+ons off, which in turn knocked into a vase, which in turn fell on the floor and shattered. I don't know who designs your stores, but carpeting might be a good idea if you're going to have fragile objects on display that can fall and break into thousands of pieces when someone does something as benign as jumping on a sofa.So anyway, as you can see this is Carol's fault. I'm happy to send you her phone number and address so you can send her a copy of the bill. I will be forwarding my invoice on to her as well.Now, the reason I ran as fast as I could out of the store at the exact moment Carol made me smash the vase was because, as you may recall, Wisconsin had asked me to leave. And after I ran out of the store, the reason I kneeled down behind that mall kiosk until Wisconsin pa.s.sed me by was because I saw a beautiful hat that I thought might fit my head. I don't know if you like hats, but that kiosk has so many to choose from. I have a small head and it's hard for me to find hats, so when I see a few that might work I have to stop.When Wisconsin finally caught up to me-and good for him for recognizing me under that big sun hat and oversize sungla.s.ses-the reason I spoke with a French accent and pretended not to understand him was because I was practicing for a part I'm playing in a French movie called Le Mysterious Lady Le Mysterious Lady.I really like to get into my roles even when I'm practicing and that's why I quickly grabbed the Segway from the security guard who started to approach us. You know how every French film has an exciting getaway scene where a car drives down a long set of steps? That's what I was trying to emulate when I took the Segway down that escalator. I realize now that was very dangerous and it was unfortunate timing that I yelled that minute-long series of very adult words just as those children were leaving the Build-A-Bear Workshop. But you have to admit the way they repeat those words in their tiny little voices is adorable.As for the money I took out of the mall fountain, that's a much simpler explanation. After the commotion at Pottery Barn and the Segway chase and my purely coincidental makeover into a geisha at the makeup counter at Bloomingdale's, I stood next to the fountain to take a breather. I saw some children making wishes and throwing money into it and I happened to tell them that the more money they throw in, the more likely it is that their wishes will come true. I mean, a penny doesn't get you anything nowadays and kids need to learn that lesson. It was my understanding that any money they threw in the fountain that exceeded one cent then belonged to me. I definitely didn't realize that my getting in the fountain to claim my money would result in such an intense underwater handstand compet.i.tion between so many people.I realize that you still might be interested in pressing charges, but I have to say if it wasn't for all the stress Carol caused by breaking the vase, none of this would have happened.Sincerely and fondly,EllenPS-If you're wondering how three of the horses from the carousel next to the food court ended up in my backyard, I am happy to explain that in a separate letter.

How to Become a Billionaire

1. Make a lot of money.

2. Don't spend it.

5 Extremely Easy Ways to Make a Lot of Money

1. Win the Mega Millions jackpot.

2. Create a social networking site that every single person on Earth and elsewhere wants to join.

3. Write a hit song using the word "love" and the phrase "I remember." People go crazy for songs about love and memories.

4. Write a wildly successful series of novels about magical teenage vampire hobbits.

5. Have a major Hollywood studio turn novels about aforementioned magical teenage vampire hobbits into a gigantic motion picture franchise.

There. Easy.

Inside My Head

I'm on vacation right now. Or as some people say, I'm on holiday. Or as other people say, I'm paying a lot of money to sit on a beautiful beach and do nothing but eat, sleep, and eat. I've had a pretty busy couple of years and this is the first time in a long time that I can take a break and just sit down, relax, and think about nothing. I'm just gonna let my mind wander. I'm gonna sit here and stare at the water and, even though it sounds irresponsible, I'm going to let my mind just go off on its own... walk away... wherever it wants to go... totally unsupervised.

Here we go.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh. This feels nice. The ocean breeze is like Mother Nature softly blowing in my face. Usually I don't like it when people blow right in my face, especially if they've just smoked a cigarette or had some coffee or a bite of Gouda, but this is nice.

The ocean is beautiful. It's crystal blue. Almost turquoise, or aquamarine. Aqua. Hmm. "Aqua" is only one letter away from "agua," which is Spanish for "water." I wonder if that's on purpose. The agua agua is aqua. That's fun to say. Oops, I just said that out loud. The gentleman next to me just glared at me. I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry that I'm so smart and I know that " is aqua. That's fun to say. Oops, I just said that out loud. The gentleman next to me just glared at me. I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry that I'm so smart and I know that "agua" means "water" in Spanish. I also know how to say "h.e.l.lo" in Spanish. I can't remember it right now, but I'll think of it in a minute. So take that, sir.

There's someone walking by in flip-flops. That looks uncomfortable-she's kicking up sand everywhere. She's gonna find sand in places she didn't even know she had later. I bet it'll end up in her bed. I can just picture her turning over in the middle of the night after having a dream about Goldie Hawn chasing her down a spiral staircase in Guadalajara and she'll get a face full of sand. Maybe she wants that. Sand can be exfoliating.

I wonder who invented the flip-flop. It must've been someone who loves joint pain or hates getting places quickly. I hope that lady's not in a hurry because she is not going anywhere fast. She might as well be wearing high heels. I don't know if I've ever actually seen anyone wearing high heels and a bathing suit on the beach. I've seen it on The Price Is Right The Price Is Right, that's for sure. Plinko is such a fun game.

We inflict a lot of pain on ourselves, don't we? We walk in high heels and wear flip-flops. Just a thin piece of rubber with a plastic strap jammed between our toes. That's acceptable to us as footwear. We get bikini waxes. We pinch ourselves when things are going well. Why can't we just be hairy and wear sensible shoes and kiss ourselves all over when we're happy? I guess that's what a hippy is. I should move up north and become a hippy.

Shoot, I can't. I have a dentist appointment next week.

Ahhhhhhhh. I'm just gonna close my eyes for a second.

That sandbar incident was embarra.s.sing. I wish I had asked more questions before I swam out there. It's called a sandbar. Surely I'm not the first person to swim out there and expect a dolphin to make me a mai tai. They should just call it a lump of sand in the middle of the ocean instead of a sandbar. Stupid ocean. Whatever. I'm over it.

I mean, I wouldn't point and laugh at someone if I sent them to a koi pond and they expected the pond to be shy. It sounds like "coy" pond. Whatever. I'm over it for real this time.

Ooh, I feel something on my arm. I hope it's not a squirrel. Nope. It's an ant. That's sweet. Hi, ant.

I wonder why we call people antsy. Ants don't seem to be antsy. If anything, the way they build their tiny little ant huts, they seem very patient and calm. And why is having ants in your pants an expression? I'm sure someone had something else in his or her pants that was just as bothersome before anyone had ants in their pants. Why isn't it flies in your pants or breadcrumbs in your pants or porcupines in your pants? That would be annoying, too. Poor ants. They really get the what-for just because their name rhymes with "pants."

I should call my aunt.

Boats are pretty. That boat is stopping near that sandbar. Probably expecting to get some drinks. Idiots. They don't serve drinks there. It's just a strip of sand.

You know what's a funny word? "Palm frond." "Frond" is a funny word. I wish I had a friend named Frond. This is my friend Frond. This is Frond, my friend. Uh-oh, I said that out loud, too. Now that man is really looking at me. He thinks I'm crazy. The gall of that man to think I'm crazy for talking out loud. I'm not crazy. I'm sure he's had the same kind of thoughts. I bet he wishes he had a friend named Frond.

I'm just gonna smile at him. Nope, I shouldn't have done that. I think I have some brownie stuck to my front tooth. Now he thinks I'm really crazy for talking out loud and missing a front tooth. It's not like talking out loud and missing a tooth makes you crazy. There are a lot of things that make you crazy, like pus.h.i.+ng around a shopping cart all day. I don't want to label people but usually someone who is not completely balanced has a shopping cart.

Actually, that's a smart idea. I should get a shopping cart. What a great invention that is. I don't carry a purse. I usually put everything I need in my pockets. But it might be fun to push a shopping cart around. I'd put so much stuff in there. People would be like, "Did you just come from the grocery store?" And I'd be like, "No, you fool, this is my purse on wheels." That's what I'd call it-a purse on wheels. Or POW. No, I guess I can't call it that. I don't want people thinking I'm pus.h.i.+ng around a prisoner of war. But maybe if I add an exclamation mark like POW! people would p.r.o.nounce it like "Wow," but "Pow!" I don't know. I guess it would be hard to get it in my car anyway, my purse on wheels. Oh well.

Hola. That's how you say h.e.l.lo in Spanish. I knew it would come to me. See, I'm not crazy, sir! Whoops. I said that out loud. That's how you say h.e.l.lo in Spanish. I knew it would come to me. See, I'm not crazy, sir! Whoops. I said that out loud.

Romance: A Short Short Story

Levar and Belinda felt an immediate attraction to one another the moment their eyes met at the Aerosmith reunion tour concert. It was as if they'd known each other their whole lives. They ran to Belinda's house because it was closer, and they embraced. Was it wrong? Or was it the most right thing ever? They cuddled by the fire, his hand upon her thigh, and talked of their future. Then they did stuff to each other all night long.

Dreams

I am fascinated by people's dreams. Not dreams like, "I wanna be a pilot when I grow up!" Those are stupid and boring. I mean the dreams you have when you go to sleep at night. Or-because I don't mean to exclude anybody-if you're an owl reading this, the dreams you have when you go to sleep during the day. am fascinated by people's dreams. Not dreams like, "I wanna be a pilot when I grow up!" Those are stupid and boring. I mean the dreams you have when you go to sleep at night. Or-because I don't mean to exclude anybody-if you're an owl reading this, the dreams you have when you go to sleep during the day.

Dreams are supposed to represent things going on in our subconscious mind. And I don't know how you feel about it, but that terrifies me. What in the world can be going on in my subconscious mind that makes me dream I'm a loom worker living in Albuquerque in the house I grew up in with Jamie Lee Curtis, three lions, and Kermit the Frog? Actually, never mind. I don't want to know.

I realize I just forced you to read a description of one of my dreams. I know it can be annoying when your friends make you listen to their dreams, so I don't usually do that to people. I'm sure y'all have crazy dreams of your own to a.n.a.lyze and I'm not here to burden you with mine! That would be really, really annoying.

Except last night I did have a dream you should hear about because you were in it. I know that sounds crazy, but you were. You. Yes, you. Don't look over your shoulder. I mean, you you. The reader. You and I were ice-skating in Germany with the pope and Colonel Sanders. Crazy, right? I know! I had no idea they hung out together. Colonel Sanders wasn't a very good ice-skater and he kept falling down. But the pope was amazing-he kept doing these figure eights that were truly Olympic caliber. I asked him if he'd ever be interested in joining my ice hockey league. In my dream I was in an ice hockey league. It was very surprising because in real life I've never stepped foot on an ice-skating rink. It's not that I can't skate, I just don't like to be that cold. And also I can't skate.

The pope said he was interested but I have to be honest-it felt like one of those "Yeah... sure... I'll call you to talk about it" answers. But I understood. He's the pope.

Anyway, at one point I noticed you had some sauerkraut on your lip, so I said, "You have some sauerkraut on your lip." And you were like, "Here?" And I was like, "No, other side." So you tried to remove it with your tongue, but when your tongue came out of your mouth it was about three feet long, like some reptile. And then-and then-you turned into a Komodo dragon. You know, those big lizards you find on islands near j.a.pan. So I start to think, "Oh great. How am I gonna get these ice skates off of this Komodo dragon and return them?" because they were rented and I had left a ten-dollar deposit. And at that point I wasn't sure if you were a Komodo dragon and still my friend or just a real Komodo dragon-and Komodo dragons are poisonous, not to mention how strong their tails are. So I said, "Betsy"-Is that your name? Well, it was in the dream. Anyway, I said "Betsy" to find out if you knew you were a Komodo dragon. I thought if you were still Betsy you could speak like a human, even with that tongue.

Well, what happened next, you won't believe! You didn't answer me. Instead, you just started singing. You got up on your hind legs, balancing on your tail, and started belting out some old Broadway musical. Ethel Merman suddenly appeared and was singing with you. A large crowd gathered all around and when you both finished the tune, everyone applauded and cheered. People were saying, "Hey, that Komodo dragon can really sing." I said, "That's Betsy. She's my friend." I was so proud of you. You bowed and you scratched Ethel Merman with your tail, but she was so happy with your performance she didn't even mind.

Then two seconds later, somehow we were back in the States and it was the early nineties and you were on Star Search Star Search. You were still part Komodo dragon, and I had a special gown made for you so your tail could stick out. It was very expensive. You were a little nervous to sing in front of Ed McMahon because you loved him so much, but you sang great. You got two and three-quarter stars. Unfortunately, you were beaten by the rock group Journey.

You were heartbroken that you lost, so I took you out to a bar to have a few c.o.c.ktails. We were having a great time until some drunk guy started making fun of your dress. I punched him in the stomach, and I got thrown out. You didn't even try and take up for me. You were such a b.i.t.c.h! You know what-who do you think you are after all we've been through? I don't even know how you had the nerve to buy my book. I'm a.s.suming you finally got your operation to turn back into a human, probably with the money I made you. Don't walk away while I'm talking at you. Who's calling you right now? Was that a text? From your new best friend? I wonder if you ever told her that you were a reptile in your past. I bet she wouldn't be so quick to drive you to the airport now, knowing all those lies about you. Not so cool anymore, huh?

I'm sorry I lashed out. You didn't deserve that. It was just a dream and obviously I'm dealing with some reptilian issues that have nothing to do with you. I'm so glad you bought my book. Please enjoy the rest of the chapters that are probably not about you. You look great as a human, by the way. What kind of moisturizer do you use?

Seriously... I'm Kidding

One of the most challenging parts of writing a book is coming up with the t.i.tle. You can't have a book without a t.i.tle. You can't. I asked. And it's very important because the t.i.tle is the first thing people hear about the book, so you need a good one.

Seeing as this is my third book, it was even more challenging because I already used up two good t.i.tles, My Point... and I Do Have One My Point... and I Do Have One and and The Funny Thing Is The Funny Thing Is... (Why not own the complete set? Available everywhere books are sold.) To come up with the t.i.tle for this book I thought it would be helpful to look over some best-seller lists and see what t.i.tles have been successful in the past. Based on that, at first I thought about calling my book either Eat, Pray, Love Eat, Pray, Love 2 or 2 or Harry Potter and the Lord of the Twilight Trilogy Harry Potter and the Lord of the Twilight Trilogy or or The Joy of s.e.x Part The Joy of s.e.x Part 2: 2: Additional Joys Additional Joys. Unfortunately, my lawyer said I wasn't allowed to use any of those because of some crazy thing called "copyright infringement." That turned out to be for the best because as soon as I started to write the first few chapters of The Joy of s.e.x Part The Joy of s.e.x Part 2, I felt deeply uncomfortable. 2, I felt deeply uncomfortable.

I finally decided on Seriously... I'm Kidding Seriously... I'm Kidding because, well, seriously... I'm kidding. (You'll notice it has the signature "..." that all of my book t.i.tles have. I considered not using the "..." and calling it because, well, seriously... I'm kidding. (You'll notice it has the signature "..." that all of my book t.i.tles have. I considered not using the "..." and calling it Seriously, I'm Kidding Seriously, I'm Kidding or or Seriously? I'm Kidding Seriously? I'm Kidding or or Seriously % I'm Kidding Seriously % I'm Kidding but in the end I decided to be consistent with my other books. I'm a big fan of consistency. And beet juice.) but in the end I decided to be consistent with my other books. I'm a big fan of consistency. And beet juice.) Since I'm a comedian people usually know that I'm kidding. In fact, more often than not people a.s.sume I'm kidding even when I'm trying to be serious. That can be frustrating when I'm at the doctor's or dentist's office. I'll say something like, "Your elbow is digging into my neck" or "I think I need more Novocain" and the hygienist will laugh and laugh like it's the funniest thing she's ever heard.

It's always funny to me when people have to clarify that they're kidding. This usually happens after they've delivered an insult to someone that was intended to be a joke, such as "Well at least if it rains we can seek shelter under your bangs! I'm just kidding. I love those bangs. Seriously... I'm kidding." Here's a professional tip: If you have to say you're kidding, it might not be a great joke.