Introvert Power_ Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength Part 5

Going through the Motions. When you feel like you're living on automatic pilot, when pleasures diminish and life feels dull, it's time to retreat. When you feel like you're living on automatic pilot, when pleasures diminish and life feels dull, it's time to retreat.

"Too Many Notes." If you've seen the movie If you've seen the movie Amadeus, Amadeus, you probably recall the scene in which the king complains about the complexity of Mozart's new composition: "Too many notes." Now this phrase comes to me whenever I feel overstimulated. When the clutter of life has confused your priorities, when you don't know what you're doing here, when it's too noisy to hear your thoughts, it's time to retreat. you probably recall the scene in which the king complains about the complexity of Mozart's new composition: "Too many notes." Now this phrase comes to me whenever I feel overstimulated. When the clutter of life has confused your priorities, when you don't know what you're doing here, when it's too noisy to hear your thoughts, it's time to retreat.

Decision Time. When you're about to make an important decision in your life, and you're having a hard time knowing your own mind, it's time to retreat. When you're about to make an important decision in your life, and you're having a hard time knowing your own mind, it's time to retreat.

Worn out. When you find yourself tired, susceptible to illness, you can't sleep or can't wake up, when your energy is depleted, it's time to retreat. When you find yourself tired, susceptible to illness, you can't sleep or can't wake up, when your energy is depleted, it's time to retreat.

Burned out. When the creativity is lacking, apathy sets in, and you feel you have little to give, it's time to retreat. When the creativity is lacking, apathy sets in, and you feel you have little to give, it's time to retreat.

Just wanting to go. If you retreat in response to desire rather than deprivation, the deprivation may never come. If you retreat in response to desire rather than deprivation, the deprivation may never come.

It's the season for your retreat. Recurring retreats become a touchstone for renewal. When the time comes, you are ready to retreat, and the retreat is ready for you. Recurring retreats become a touchstone for renewal. When the time comes, you are ready to retreat, and the retreat is ready for you.

A SOCIETY IN SEARCH OF INTROVERSION.

Perhaps our society's need for introversion is best reflected in the explosion of retreat centers across the United States. The website www.findthedivine.com lists over 1,700 retreat location in the U.S. and Canada, and lists over 1,700 retreat location in the U.S. and Canada, and www.retreatsonline.com provides a listing of over two thousand retreats worldwide. The tricky thing is, as retreats become a commercialized cultural phenomenon, they run the risk of losing their "away" quality. Many retreats are marketed as high-end luxuries providing spas, cla.s.ses, health-related programs, and special diets. Getting a little pampering may be just the thing: who wouldn't welcome a ma.s.sage and well-prepared food? But some of these programs have a decidedly extroverted feel, and others transform retreating into another goal-oriented investment-lose weight, get healthy! I am reminded of an episode of provides a listing of over two thousand retreats worldwide. The tricky thing is, as retreats become a commercialized cultural phenomenon, they run the risk of losing their "away" quality. Many retreats are marketed as high-end luxuries providing spas, cla.s.ses, health-related programs, and special diets. Getting a little pampering may be just the thing: who wouldn't welcome a ma.s.sage and well-prepared food? But some of these programs have a decidedly extroverted feel, and others transform retreating into another goal-oriented investment-lose weight, get healthy! I am reminded of an episode of s.e.x in the City s.e.x in the City in which the girlfriends gossip all the way through their yoga session, even as they hold their poses. Beware of extroverts in retreat center clothing! in which the girlfriends gossip all the way through their yoga session, even as they hold their poses. Beware of extroverts in retreat center clothing!

Violent pa.s.sions are formed in solitude. In the busy world no object has time to make a deep impression.

-Henry Home, Scottish philosopher We even dare to use the word "retreat" for mandatory, task-oriented work meetings held in an alternative setting. The one time I sacrificed a weekend for such a retreat was enough-I felt trapped and restricted in the enclosed circle of work a.s.sociates. Another television image comes to mind: Michael Scott, the overly zealous boss of The Office, The Office, corralling his staff into one painful bonding experience after another. corralling his staff into one painful bonding experience after another.

OVERRULING THE OBJECTIONS.

The pleasure of retreating begins when you open your mind to it. But first, you'll probably encounter a rush of excuses. Let's look at the most common of these: "I don't have time!" Re-read the last chapter. Give time to a retreat, and time will expand. The retreat experience creates psychological time, psychological time, the time that runs parallel to outside time-time devoted to noticing, evaluating, and finding meaning. Psychological time helps you the time that runs parallel to outside time-time devoted to noticing, evaluating, and finding meaning. Psychological time helps you know know you are in a joyful moment or to admit that what you're doing sucks and needs to be changed. You may go into your retreat feeling time poor, but after you've submitted to the experience, time will come home with you. Go. you are in a joyful moment or to admit that what you're doing sucks and needs to be changed. You may go into your retreat feeling time poor, but after you've submitted to the experience, time will come home with you. Go.

"I don't have the money!" Of all the ways we can replenish ourselves, a retreat can provide the most for the least. You can pack a lunch and spend the day in a natural setting near you. Or check out Jack and Marcia Kelly's book, Sanctuaries, Sanctuaries, to locate a monastery or abbey in your vicinity. Call ahead first, but most of these communities of quiet will welcome you to come for the day-at no charge. But even a room and three meals a day is a pretty affordable luxury. Usually, though, our objections about money have little to do with what's in the bank account, and much to do with our priorities. Can you afford to eat? Retreating is a necessary form of sustenance for introverts, just as social gatherings are for the extrovert. Do we tell our extroverted friends that they can't afford to attend these gatherings? Why the double standard? to locate a monastery or abbey in your vicinity. Call ahead first, but most of these communities of quiet will welcome you to come for the day-at no charge. But even a room and three meals a day is a pretty affordable luxury. Usually, though, our objections about money have little to do with what's in the bank account, and much to do with our priorities. Can you afford to eat? Retreating is a necessary form of sustenance for introverts, just as social gatherings are for the extrovert. Do we tell our extroverted friends that they can't afford to attend these gatherings? Why the double standard?

"Other people will object." Yes, they very well may. Or, they might tell you it's about time it's about time you got away. Our challenge as introverts is to adopt the att.i.tude, based on the introversion a.s.sumption, that your need to retreat requires no explanation-it is self-evident. If they argue, have them read this chapter. Of course, our right to retreat does not exempt us from managing our responsibilities, as wonderful as that sounds. By addressing what others need from you you got away. Our challenge as introverts is to adopt the att.i.tude, based on the introversion a.s.sumption, that your need to retreat requires no explanation-it is self-evident. If they argue, have them read this chapter. Of course, our right to retreat does not exempt us from managing our responsibilities, as wonderful as that sounds. By addressing what others need from you up front, up front, you'll limit the potential for opposition. So if you do the cooking, buy extra pizzas and make ahead some easy meals. If you run a meeting at work, prepare a coworker to take charge rather than dumping the worry on your boss. A little extra effort will multiply in dividends of peace. you'll limit the potential for opposition. So if you do the cooking, buy extra pizzas and make ahead some easy meals. If you run a meeting at work, prepare a coworker to take charge rather than dumping the worry on your boss. A little extra effort will multiply in dividends of peace.

RETREAT DREAMS.

Now for the fun part: let's plan your retreat. Retreats can take many forms, and you are the only one who can decide what fits you. One introvert may need pristine natural surroundings; another will savor the anonymity of a large city. Some introverts prefer to have everything provided-meals, maid service-and others prefer being entirely on their own. The retreat options today are as varied as our interests. Here's a partial list: Silent retreat Wilderness retreat Spirituality retreat Yoga retreat Meditation retreat Spa retreat Study retreat or sabbatical Reading retreat Writing retreat Adventure retreat Poetry retreat Shopping retreat Artist retreat Nature photography retreat Vision quest Heart-of-the-city retreat Beach retreat Ranch retreat Sailing retreat All-inclusive retreat As you begin to plan your retreat, set practical considerations aside. You can work those in later. You may want to grab a pad and pen, or write your notes right here in the book. It's yours, after all. Now consider the following: What is your vision of the perfect retreat setting? Give yourself time to look around in your mind's eye. Take it in. Spend as much time as you wish.

What do you see as you look around?

What smells do you notice?

What are the sounds around you?

What is the temperature?

What feelings do you have in this place?

Perhaps you're imagining green gra.s.s, rolling hills and a view for miles around. You might see yourself kayaking down a rus.h.i.+ng river. Or maybe your haven is a funky cafe in an artsy village or bohemian borough. Once you choose your setting, think about accommodations: How important is interior s.p.a.ce to you?Maybe you don't want to go inside at all: you just want to bask in nature and carry your accommodations on your back. Maybe you don't want to go outside at all: you want to lock yourself up with good books or old movies and only open the door for room service. Maybe you want the best of both: a gorgeous interior with a magnificent view or pristine surroundings.

What interior style do you prefer? Do you envision a sleek, contemporary suite, a cozy cottage with handmade quilts, or a simple beach house with wood floors? Would you like to try something exotic or very different from your own living s.p.a.ce?

How do you like your meals? Would you prefer to have meals included in your package so you don't have to plan? Or would you enjoy having a variety of restaurants nearby to accommodate your culinary whims? Do you want the option of eating in? If so, would you prefer a gourmet kitchen, a fridge you can stock with snacks, good local delivery, or twenty-four-hour room service?

Now that you have a feel for your retreat preferences, let's look at some options. Retreat centers Retreat centers usually provide a room and three meals a day, and offer scenic grounds for roaming on your own. The downside is that there are other people around, and meals are usually served cafeteria-style. However, these centers, especially those designed for spiritual reflection, have an ethic of quiet respect for other residents. Everyone understands that you don't want to disturb someone who is meditating or has taken a vow of silence. Aha! An introverted society! Some centers offer cla.s.ses for self-enrichment and others have spa facilities on hand. If you want a place to yourself, some centers do offer private cottages or cabins. usually provide a room and three meals a day, and offer scenic grounds for roaming on your own. The downside is that there are other people around, and meals are usually served cafeteria-style. However, these centers, especially those designed for spiritual reflection, have an ethic of quiet respect for other residents. Everyone understands that you don't want to disturb someone who is meditating or has taken a vow of silence. Aha! An introverted society! Some centers offer cla.s.ses for self-enrichment and others have spa facilities on hand. If you want a place to yourself, some centers do offer private cottages or cabins.

If you want rustic, you'll need to decide if you want a "catered" rustic experience, with outfitters and guides providing gear, meals, and possibly transportation. A nice option for many is a rustic cabin with the essentials or a B&B in a natural setting. Some introverts prefer an outdoor "room" under the stars and others prefer a cushy bed with books strewn about. If you want something different, rent a tree house, houseboat or yurt yurt-the modern version of the nomadic tent.

While some introverts want easy access to natural resources, others enjoy having cultural resources at hand: shops, restaurants, museums, and sources of entertainment. A city retreat can be a wonderful source of anonymity, especially for those of us who become closed-in by the familiarity of small town life. Whether you plan your retreat in the Rocky Mountains or in the heart of Manhattan, identify what resources are most important to you: a rus.h.i.+ng stream, a place to view art, anything that feeds you. As with the five items for your room, consider the five essential resources for your retreat.

I retreat when I'm driving on the freeway, with the music going through me.

Once you have your vision and your priorities, consider how much time you want. Sure, you may decide to pare it down, but allow yourself to consider what would be most satisfying. And when you look at your calendar, be honest with yourself: how long does it take you to settle in? Easing into a retreat is like settling into sleep: some of us fall asleep when we hit the pillow; others need more time to settle down. If we've been under a great deal of stress, you'll need time to downs.h.i.+ft. Rather than rus.h.i.+ng to get there, allow the trip to help you transition. Feel the gaining distance.

-Cecilia, who loves to drive by herself, fast As far as retreat length, just as each of us requires a different amount of sleep, the amount of time we need for rejuvenation will differ.

So now you have your vision, your priorities, and you've thought about time and travel. Okay, you probably haven't sorted everything out yet, which is great because the planning is part of the magic. What you'll want to do eventually is to place your vision beside the realities of your life and see what you can work out. This is where creativity begins.

As a working woman with a young family, I find that vacation time tends to go to family excursions, which I cherish. But this "time off " is not the same as a retreat. The challenge of working out both has led me to many satisfying compromises. Here are some ideas for how to expand your options: If you go away for professional training, workshops, or conferences, stay an extra day or two and chill. Conferences are often hosted in attractive places, and you can probably arrange a private alternative to the block of rooms reserved for attendees. When I attended a workshop in Fort Lauderdale, I soaked up every ounce of private time I could, walking among the towering palms, digging my feet into the sand, sipping a mango margarita at a sidewalk cafe. I didn't meet a single soul, but I renewed mine. Bonus: If your employer pays for transportation, you'll just need to cover the extra days of lodging and meals.

Adding a Friday and Monday to a weekend gives you four good days. Leave after work on Thursday, and you've just given yourself another day.

For parents, the kids' week at summer camp is a great time for a no-guilt personal retreat. Here's the week you've been looking for! Even if you want to share part of it with your partner, you'll have time for a solo retreat as well.

Creativity and study retreats or sabbaticals combine getting away with mental stimulation, sometimes for an extended period of time. When these experiences are connected with your livelihood, you may be able to obtain a grant, paid or unpaid leave, or even work it into your job description. Sometimes getting what we want just comes down to asking for it.

Though we all have practical realities to consider, many of the objections we encounter, external and internal, have more to do with fear than with reality. When you turn your retreat vision into a reality, you learn that you can can retreat, that others can manage, and that it's really not that hard to pull off. You'll wonder what took you so long. retreat, that others can manage, and that it's really not that hard to pull off. You'll wonder what took you so long.

MINI-RETREATS.

As your ideas simmer for your big get-away, let's look the kinds of retreats you can take with minimal to no planning-Breath Retreats, Daily Rituals, and Solo Dates.

A Breath Retreat Breath Retreat is what we usually refer to as a break-a short withdrawal from activity that allows you to slow down and fill up. The pace of your breathing is a great indicator of stress, and a helpful cue to retreat. When your breathing accelerates, your chest tightens, and your heart seems to be beating faster and harder, you are in stress mode. Sometimes stress can be useful, helping us push forward and get the job done. But, more often, stress sucks. We get panicked, we feel like there's no time and we're already behind; we can't think, and life feels oppressive. is what we usually refer to as a break-a short withdrawal from activity that allows you to slow down and fill up. The pace of your breathing is a great indicator of stress, and a helpful cue to retreat. When your breathing accelerates, your chest tightens, and your heart seems to be beating faster and harder, you are in stress mode. Sometimes stress can be useful, helping us push forward and get the job done. But, more often, stress sucks. We get panicked, we feel like there's no time and we're already behind; we can't think, and life feels oppressive.

Contrary to common wisdom-which, as we've noted, is commonly unwise-we need more more retreats when we are busy, not fewer. A retreats when we are busy, not fewer. A Breath Retreat Breath Retreat is the energy bar for the hungry but busy introvert-quick and surprisingly filling. To take a Breath Retreat, just exit whatever you are doing or is the energy bar for the hungry but busy introvert-quick and surprisingly filling. To take a Breath Retreat, just exit whatever you are doing or not doing not doing because you're stuck. Get up and leave. Go to a different place-a place like Winnie-the-Pooh's "Thoughtful Spot"-where you can get a new vantage point. You may just want to relax into your breathing, something that keeps going with no effort on your part. Meditation techniques often begin with a focus on the breath. You can bring a notepad or journal with you and write out all the garbage taking up valuable s.p.a.ce in your head. Or you can simply look around and notice something new.Watch a pet or the activity of birds, or look out at the patterns made by traffic or pedestrians. After ten or fifteen minutes, you can pedestrians. After ten or fifteen minutes, you can reenter your routine, motivated by energy from because you're stuck. Get up and leave. Go to a different place-a place like Winnie-the-Pooh's "Thoughtful Spot"-where you can get a new vantage point. You may just want to relax into your breathing, something that keeps going with no effort on your part. Meditation techniques often begin with a focus on the breath. You can bring a notepad or journal with you and write out all the garbage taking up valuable s.p.a.ce in your head. Or you can simply look around and notice something new.Watch a pet or the activity of birds, or look out at the patterns made by traffic or pedestrians. After ten or fifteen minutes, you can pedestrians. After ten or fifteen minutes, you can reenter your routine, motivated by energy from inside, inside, rather than pressure from outside. rather than pressure from outside.

I start to feel this pressure in my head, like there's no more room left. When I meditate, I realize "Wait, there's all this room around the thoughts." Meditation puts s.p.a.ciousness around stress.

-Doug, who uses meditation as a natural antidepressant A regular daily retreat, or Daily Ritual, Daily Ritual, is a cleansing practice you incorporate into each day, such as meditation or silent reflection, a leisurely walk, or writing in a journal. If the ritual involves an activity, the purpose is not to further a goal, but to open up reflective s.p.a.ce. When you work a retreat into your daily routine, it becomes an anchor for your introversion, a.s.suring you that you will indeed have time to yourself- is a cleansing practice you incorporate into each day, such as meditation or silent reflection, a leisurely walk, or writing in a journal. If the ritual involves an activity, the purpose is not to further a goal, but to open up reflective s.p.a.ce. When you work a retreat into your daily routine, it becomes an anchor for your introversion, a.s.suring you that you will indeed have time to yourself-today.

I got the idea for Solo Date Solo Date from the "Artist Dates" that Julia Cameron discusses in her cla.s.sic creativity manuals, from the "Artist Dates" that Julia Cameron discusses in her cla.s.sic creativity manuals, The Artist's Way The Artist's Way and and Vein of Gold. Vein of Gold. Cameron a.s.signs Artist Dates as a date with yourself, for at least an hour's duration, doing something "out of the ordinary." You can see a film, stroll through the park, or do anything that fills up your creative stores. Similarly, a Solo Date is an outing with yourself to satisfy some of your introvert cravings. And it is a delicious treat. My favorite Solo Date is to go to a movie in the middle of a weekday, by myself of course. When I started doing this, my therapy practice was across the street from a cinema. I blocked my Friday afternoons, and walked over to catch the earliest showing of a film. Because these are the least attended showings, I sometimes had the luxury of being the only one in the theatre-a private showing! Cameron a.s.signs Artist Dates as a date with yourself, for at least an hour's duration, doing something "out of the ordinary." You can see a film, stroll through the park, or do anything that fills up your creative stores. Similarly, a Solo Date is an outing with yourself to satisfy some of your introvert cravings. And it is a delicious treat. My favorite Solo Date is to go to a movie in the middle of a weekday, by myself of course. When I started doing this, my therapy practice was across the street from a cinema. I blocked my Friday afternoons, and walked over to catch the earliest showing of a film. Because these are the least attended showings, I sometimes had the luxury of being the only one in the theatre-a private showing!

But what I came to enjoy most was the time just after the movie, when I emerged from the dark into the world. I noticed everything-a leaf rolling across the pavement in the breeze, the sound of a car door shutting-as if I were still viewing the big screen. I practiced stretching out this experience and developed my movie therapy technique, which we'll discuss more in Chapter 18.

Whatever retreats you design for yourself, do them regularly. Protect them. Put them on your calendar and tell others you will not be available during these times. Turn off your cell phone. And melt.

Chapter 9:.

The Freedom of a Flaneur The spectator is a prince who everywhere enjoys his incognito"-Charles Baudelaire I remember the moment I first read the words of Charles Baudelaire. I was recovering from a surgery and enjoying-in addition to the quiet-a video study course on Impressionism. Baudelaire was a French poet a.s.sociated with this radical artistic movement. When I read his description of the flaneur flaneur in his essay, "The Painter of Modern Life" (1863), I was dumbstruck: "How did he know? This is in his essay, "The Painter of Modern Life" (1863), I was dumbstruck: "How did he know? This is me me he's describing!" For the first time, I realized that there was a word for my favorite preoccupation. As you read this excerpt, you might recognize yourself as well: he's describing!" For the first time, I realized that there was a word for my favorite preoccupation. As you read this excerpt, you might recognize yourself as well: For the perfect flaneur, flaneur, for the pa.s.sionate spectator, it is an immense joy to set up house in the heart of the mult.i.tude, amid the ebb and flow of movement, in the midst of the fugitive and the infinite. To be away from home and yet to feel oneself everywhere at home; to see the world, to be at the centre of the world, and yet to remain hidden from the world-such are a few of the slightest pleasures of those independent, pa.s.sionate, impartial natures which the tongue can but clumsily define. for the pa.s.sionate spectator, it is an immense joy to set up house in the heart of the mult.i.tude, amid the ebb and flow of movement, in the midst of the fugitive and the infinite. To be away from home and yet to feel oneself everywhere at home; to see the world, to be at the centre of the world, and yet to remain hidden from the world-such are a few of the slightest pleasures of those independent, pa.s.sionate, impartial natures which the tongue can but clumsily define.

We have no equivalent word for flaneur, flaneur, or the feminine or the feminine flaneuse, flaneuse, in our language. The literal English translation, "idler or loafer," has little resemblance to Baudelaire's "pa.s.sionate spectator" and would likely be considered an insult! We name what we value, and we value the movers and the shakers. Here in America, we describe the spectator by what she is watching and by what she is in our language. The literal English translation, "idler or loafer," has little resemblance to Baudelaire's "pa.s.sionate spectator" and would likely be considered an insult! We name what we value, and we value the movers and the shakers. Here in America, we describe the spectator by what she is watching and by what she is not- not-not a partic.i.p.ant.

THE ARTIST'S EYE.

For the introvert, as for the observing is not a fallback position-something we do because we can't partic.i.p.ate. We watch because we want to. want to. There is something wonderfully grounding about remaining still as others mull about-or mulling about while others remain still. Against the backdrop of the scene, the introvert feels more like an "I." This enhanced subjectivity is just the opposite of the entrainment that pulls us in and renders us invisible. The entrained introvert becomes overstimulated and shuts down; the There is something wonderfully grounding about remaining still as others mull about-or mulling about while others remain still. Against the backdrop of the scene, the introvert feels more like an "I." This enhanced subjectivity is just the opposite of the entrainment that pulls us in and renders us invisible. The entrained introvert becomes overstimulated and shuts down; the flaneur flaneur shops for inspiration and feels larger. It is as if the best parts of ourselves are scattered about. As we stumble upon them in the world, we discover who we are. shops for inspiration and feels larger. It is as if the best parts of ourselves are scattered about. As we stumble upon them in the world, we discover who we are.

The Impressionist painters made this process tangible. They didn't sit in a studio and paint posed models; they walked the streets of Paris and traveled the country, noticing the scenes of modern life and painting what interested them. Recording objective reality was not the goal. Impressionists captured how they they saw things, and what they saw was better, richer, and more alive than what was out there. This kind of tampering with reality outraged critics such as Albert Wolff, who wrote: "Try to make Monsieur p.i.s.sarro understand that trees are not violet; that the sky is not the color of fresh b.u.t.ter." But the Impressionists just got more impressionable: Gauguin and Van Gogh used shockingly intense (for the time) color pigments to depict a more primal and emotional reality. saw things, and what they saw was better, richer, and more alive than what was out there. This kind of tampering with reality outraged critics such as Albert Wolff, who wrote: "Try to make Monsieur p.i.s.sarro understand that trees are not violet; that the sky is not the color of fresh b.u.t.ter." But the Impressionists just got more impressionable: Gauguin and Van Gogh used shockingly intense (for the time) color pigments to depict a more primal and emotional reality.

Though introverts are drained by interaction, we can take immense pleasure in watching the scene around us: people moving about, their dress, movements, and preoccupations. The Impressionists were masters of people watching. Degas took a special interest in the movements of ballet dancers, but not the performances as much as the process: the stretching, rehearsing, resting. Mary Ca.s.satt, who was not as free to walk the streets due to her gender, painted opera patrons and scenes of domestic life.

There's a part of me that is always writing the script of what I'm viewing, processing it. Then the muses go to work on it.

-Doug, songwriter, poet, and flaneur In contrast to the "frozen" historical paintings of the time, these artist-flaneurs enjoyed recording movement and enjoyed recording movement and change- change-whether the changing fas.h.i.+ons on the street or the changing light against the cathedral. Series paintings became popular, such as Monet's studies of light-paintings of the same landscape, one at early dawn, another as the scene becomes illuminated, a later version when the sun sets. Pairs of artists, such as Cezanne and p.i.s.sarro, would sometimes paint the same scene, revealing how their subjective interpretations distinguished them. Series paintings became popular, such as Monet's studies of light-paintings of the same landscape, one at early dawn, another as the scene becomes illuminated, a later version when the sun sets. Pairs of artists, such as Cezanne and p.i.s.sarro, would sometimes paint the same scene, revealing how their subjective interpretations distinguished them.

The flaneur, flaneur, artist or not, has a talent for staying artist or not, has a talent for staying out out of the scene even as he is in the midst of it. This introverted observer can draw energy from society because he or she remains the of the scene even as he is in the midst of it. This introverted observer can draw energy from society because he or she remains the interpreter interpreter of what is happening, the integrating action happens inside. This skill-focusing outside while staying inside-can come in very handy. Think of Renoir as he painted his famous of what is happening, the integrating action happens inside. This skill-focusing outside while staying inside-can come in very handy. Think of Renoir as he painted his famous The Ball at the Moulin de la Galette, The Ball at the Moulin de la Galette, and for our purposes, let's a.s.sume he's an introvert. Mobs of people are socializing, laughing, drinking, and reveling. It's noisy and chaotic. But Renoir gets to engage in a solitary pleasure amid all of this. He sees the color and the lighting; he gets to choose what story to capture. And he's not bothered or annoyed by the activity-he's a and for our purposes, let's a.s.sume he's an introvert. Mobs of people are socializing, laughing, drinking, and reveling. It's noisy and chaotic. But Renoir gets to engage in a solitary pleasure amid all of this. He sees the color and the lighting; he gets to choose what story to capture. And he's not bothered or annoyed by the activity-he's a pa.s.sionate pa.s.sionate observer. And his painting captures his pa.s.sion. The chaos is beautiful, sparkling with life and vitality. observer. And his painting captures his pa.s.sion. The chaos is beautiful, sparkling with life and vitality.

In our forward-moving, compet.i.tive society, it's easy to reduce our focus to the step ahead or the obstacles in our way. We are too much a part of the action-and interaction interaction-to see see what's happening. Yet, what's happening. Yet, flaneurie flaneurie is a wonderful tool for the introvert, whether roaming the city or stuck at a party. is a wonderful tool for the introvert, whether roaming the city or stuck at a party.

Let's say you're talking to someone-no, someone is talking to you- you-and that person is really enjoying the sound of his or her own voice. You feel trapped and don't have the energy to withdraw. Try playing flaneur flaneur and look for the artistic, and perhaps comic, value of the situation. I have observed very boring conversations-no, monologues-come to life when I look at the speaker as a work of art: the character lines on his face, the way he or she gestures, the color of her lipstick. For extreme talkers, it usually matters not if we are listening-they just want to talk. (These are the talkers who continue the monologue as we walk away.) Yet, their talking only distances us. Sometimes we can actually feel more empathy when we bypa.s.s the talk and look into eyes that are real, or internally narrate a story about the conversation, or imagine what role the talker would play in a movie. If you are cast as the observer, you might as well relish the experience! and look for the artistic, and perhaps comic, value of the situation. I have observed very boring conversations-no, monologues-come to life when I look at the speaker as a work of art: the character lines on his face, the way he or she gestures, the color of her lipstick. For extreme talkers, it usually matters not if we are listening-they just want to talk. (These are the talkers who continue the monologue as we walk away.) Yet, their talking only distances us. Sometimes we can actually feel more empathy when we bypa.s.s the talk and look into eyes that are real, or internally narrate a story about the conversation, or imagine what role the talker would play in a movie. If you are cast as the observer, you might as well relish the experience!

AMONG, YET ALONE.

As I write today, I am sitting in a Starbucks. I drove an hour to get here, even though I have my pick of coffeehouses ten minutes from my home. I didn't come all this way for the coffee. As you recall, it's the "house" in coffeehouse that attracts me. I came to this particular Starbucks because I don't know anyone here or, rather, no one knows me. me. My ident.i.ty is invisible. And it is this invisibility that frees me to study my surroundings. Samba music plays in the background, the cobalt blue of low-hanging lamps accents the warm tones of the room, and from my table next to the window, I can watch people in here or out there, strolling, conversing, smoking, or studying. My ident.i.ty is invisible. And it is this invisibility that frees me to study my surroundings. Samba music plays in the background, the cobalt blue of low-hanging lamps accents the warm tones of the room, and from my table next to the window, I can watch people in here or out there, strolling, conversing, smoking, or studying.

The introvert who is not broadly known has an advantage. While extroverts talk away, she is free to observe, to think, to enjoy the details and nuances of the situation. Though I love to act and have had my Hollywood fantasies, I can imagine no fate worse than being known everywhere. I recall the scene in the movie, Lost in Translation, Lost in Translation, in which the American actor/celebrity relishes a moment of anonymity at a nightclub in Tokyo, only to have a couple of eager fans proclaim, "You're Bob Harris!" As if he didn't know. in which the American actor/celebrity relishes a moment of anonymity at a nightclub in Tokyo, only to have a couple of eager fans proclaim, "You're Bob Harris!" As if he didn't know.

I'm never happier than when I am alone in a foreign city; it's as if I have become invisible.

-Storm Jameson, author of more than fifty novels Walking in an unknown city is a delight for an introvert. Unfortunately, American cities have become less walk-able. I have yet to live in a neighborhood with sidewalks-these were eliminated as suburbs became "bedroom communities" and malls replaced streetside shops. Edmund White, author of The Flaneur, The Flaneur, writes, "Americans are particularly ill-suited to be writes, "Americans are particularly ill-suited to be flaneurs flaneurs" because we are so driven to improve ourselves. I would add that being a flaneur flaneur is difficult because we are so driven to is difficult because we are so driven to talk. talk. Example: you are taking a thoughtful walk, sorting out your feelings after a difficult conversation, and your neighbor calls out, "Hey! Are you coming to the block party?" Or you are browsing a bookstore, feeling that reverence that introverts have for books, and an acquaintance recognizes you before you have a chance to duck around the corner. Example: you are taking a thoughtful walk, sorting out your feelings after a difficult conversation, and your neighbor calls out, "Hey! Are you coming to the block party?" Or you are browsing a bookstore, feeling that reverence that introverts have for books, and an acquaintance recognizes you before you have a chance to duck around the corner.

We have an a.s.sumption here in America that the kind thing to do is to be "friendly," which means being extroverted, even intrusive. The j.a.panese a.s.sume the opposite: being kind means holding back.

So, today I am in the city next door rather than my own. I mentioned to my husband and boys my plan to come here to write and they were thoroughly confused: "Why would you spend two hours driving in order to write?" Anonymity is why. The paradox is, when I travel and am a.s.sured anonymity, I feel friendlier. I enjoy my exchanges with the shop owners and even welcome a greeting from someone setting up a laptop nearby. But, really, this makes sense. An introvert just needs time and s.p.a.ce, and interaction occurs more spontaneously. But because we get so little time and s.p.a.ce, we spend more time defending our boundaries than we do reaching beyond them.

When I sent questions to introverts I knew to be very private, I was surprised by their candid, unselfconscious responses. Cecilia, my contact from Puerto Rico, explained: "Only when we can be guaranteed anonymity, can we take our masks off and bare our souls. When we are no one, we become who we are." As an author, I shouldn't be surprised-I bare my soul quite frequently. I'm just doing it on my time and in my own way.

FLaNEURIE 101.

To learn the art of flaneurie, flaneurie, or strolling the city without aim, let's look to the Parisian or strolling the city without aim, let's look to the Parisian flaneurs flaneurs for some tips: for some tips: Give yourself a nice, open stretch of time. Vacations are ideal, because you have already cleared the time, and you're likely to be away from what's familiar. But an open Sat.u.r.day would work just as well.

Go somewhere new. Explore a new area of the city. If you live in the country or a small town, retreat to a neighboring city for the weekend.

Leave your goals behind and a.s.sume the perspective of the child. Baudelaire captures this att.i.tude: "The child sees everything in a state of newness; he is always drunk. drunk. Nothing more resembles what we call inspiration than the delight with which a child absorbs form and colour." And White: "He (or she) is a Parisian in search of a private moment, not a lesson, and whereas wonder can lead to edification, they are not likely to give the viewer gooseflesh." Gooseb.u.mps are a good sign. Nothing more resembles what we call inspiration than the delight with which a child absorbs form and colour." And White: "He (or she) is a Parisian in search of a private moment, not a lesson, and whereas wonder can lead to edification, they are not likely to give the viewer gooseflesh." Gooseb.u.mps are a good sign.

White suggests staying clear of the tourist centers and monuments-where people are checking off their lists of "Major Sights"-to look instead to the unusual, the "tilting paving stone," and the details that often go unnoticed. This advice reminds me of a city stroll I took with other members of my writers' group. We met up at 6:30 a.m. in our downtown Charleston to find images for a book we were writing. I realized that I had never looked up at the top of the old buildings. I was transfixed as I saw the beauty architects and builders had taken the time to create but I had been too busy to see: elaborate trim, elegant cornices, gargoyles, and even painted art. As we looked upon one building, we saw a large but aging portrait looking out of an upper window: a mystery waiting to be solved. White sees an entirely different Paris than the typical tourist, including some very different museums, such as the Museum of Romantic Life and museums of hunting, eyegla.s.ses, and perfume.

At school, I hide in my drawings. At home, I hide in my room. If it's possible, I like to totally remove myself, like on the roof or in another city.

-Solveig Today I was thinking I should put back up my hammock on the balcony. It's really soft and I can sit there unbeknownst to my neighbors below. When I had it up, I could watch the breeze move through the trees, or compare which neighbor is the worst car parker, or just see clouds move by.

-Cecilia YOUR INVISIBILITY CLOAK.

Ever wish you could be invisible? If you were, where would you go? What would you look for? What would you like to overhear?

The invisibility fantasy is a popular one for introverts because it allows the possibility of pure observation. Though some of us like to get on stage, many introverts are content to put on their invisibility cloaks and watch. But well-meaning extroverts will have none of that! They need to draw us out, invite us to partic.i.p.ate-repeatedly-and question why we are so depressed as to not want to join. Unfortunately, J. K. Rowling has not yet patented a working invisibility cloak like the one her fictional hero Harry Potter found so useful.

Sometimes we can find a private vantage point for observation, like a rooftop, but this option is not likely to be available during the meeting at work or at the local softball game.

In lieu of an invisibility cloak, you might find it useful to have a "prop" on hand, such as a book, journal, or, for some, a sketchpad. These props communicate that you are involved in something and don't want to be disturbed. When I roam to write, I carry a number of props: laptop, bookbag, and purse. My friends call me the "bag lady." Though you needn't carry an entire office, having at least a few props can help you stake out a s.p.a.ce and, as Baudelaire put it, "set up house in the heart of the mult.i.tude." And even a jacket can serve as a s.p.a.ce-expander: put it on the chair next to you and you're less likely to have a "friendly" intruder sit down to talk.

But perhaps we would do best by incorporating flaneurie flaneurie into the American vocabulary and imagination. We can promote safer and more walkable cities. We can stop a.s.suming that just knowing someone is cause for conversation. Perhaps we could don T-s.h.i.+rts with " into the American vocabulary and imagination. We can promote safer and more walkable cities. We can stop a.s.suming that just knowing someone is cause for conversation. Perhaps we could don T-s.h.i.+rts with "Flaneur" printed on them as a way of signaling the choice to remain anonymous. Sometimes wearing black helps. Or we could pretend we're invisible and just not respond to anyone. But when familiar surroundings and people close in, there's nothing like hopping on the train or into your car and finding a place where you are happily unrecognized. printed on them as a way of signaling the choice to remain anonymous. Sometimes wearing black helps. Or we could pretend we're invisible and just not respond to anyone. But when familiar surroundings and people close in, there's nothing like hopping on the train or into your car and finding a place where you are happily unrecognized.

Chapter 10:.

Inroads to Intimacy If successful, the link results in a merging of both minds, essentially creating a single consciousness in the two bodies.-memory-alpha.org As I read about the Vulcan mind meld in Memory Alpha, Memory Alpha, an online an online Star Trek Star Trek encyclopedia, I thought about how convenient this gift would be for introverts. We could forgo the preliminaries, develop some cue to identify others who wanted to do the same, and meld away- encyclopedia, I thought about how convenient this gift would be for introverts. We could forgo the preliminaries, develop some cue to identify others who wanted to do the same, and meld away-no talking required!

The beauty of the mind meld, as I understand it, is that, once you meld, you can disconnect, retaining an understanding of the other person. Then you can get to the real real conversation. Of course, introverts would require s.h.i.+elds to prevent unwanted intrusion, and would use the mind meld very selectively, as apparently the Vulcans did. According to conversation. Of course, introverts would require s.h.i.+elds to prevent unwanted intrusion, and would use the mind meld very selectively, as apparently the Vulcans did. According to Memory Alpha, Memory Alpha, "It is a deeply personal thing, part of the private life, and not normally used on aliens." "It is a deeply personal thing, part of the private life, and not normally used on aliens."

Psychoa.n.a.lysts like Freud and Jung developed their own techniques for going deep, or reading "unconscious communication," in order to understand and help their patients. A familiar example is the "Freudian slip," an accidental turn of a phrase that reveals a more honest feeling. Mostly, though, the approach just teaches the therapist to listen on different levels at the same time. Though I was intellectually fascinated by the approach, I think I pursued the training primarily because I wanted to connect. I believed that if I had the whole story, if I had the opportunity to really know know the person I was sitting with, there would be n.o.body I could not love. And my idealistic belief found support. the person I was sitting with, there would be n.o.body I could not love. And my idealistic belief found support.

Some clients s.h.i.+eld me from access, and I have learned to respect that-I have my own s.h.i.+elds, after all. Some I cannot reach-my powers are human, not Vulcan. But the ones who let me in, regardless of how obnoxious they may be on the outside, consistently reveal themselves to be loveable. There's really nothing that mysterious about it: we were all children once, we've all been hurt, and each one of us has a story.

Let's clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people. Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.

We want less-and more: less talk, more understanding. The ultimate question of a capitalist, "What do you do?" keeps conversation focused on activity rather than on motivation and personhood. If you hate your job, the conversation will have little to do with you. You'll tell the inquisitor what you do, he'll ask more about it, and the conversation will move further and further away from what you value. When I lived in Minnesota, I was known as a psychologist, a smart professional who listened to people. What people did not know about me was that I was also an actor, a slow reader, a theologian who once considered the ministry, that I had a secret wish to go to Paris and study under a chef like Audrey Hepburn did in Sabrina, Sabrina, that I was tired of cla.s.sical music because I heard it so much as a child, that I feared abandonment, that I still found excitement in the bright-colored stories of Betty and Veronica of the that I was tired of cla.s.sical music because I heard it so much as a child, that I feared abandonment, that I still found excitement in the bright-colored stories of Betty and Veronica of the Archie Archie comics. comics.

Whew! Once an introvert gets going...anyway, when we moved and I left behind my practice, I happily entered a place where I had no ident.i.ty. I puzzled about how to answer the dreaded question, "What do you do?" I could have easily said that I was a psychologist and then get the standard response, "So, you must be a.n.a.lyzing me." Instead, I decided to just tell the person what I was into that particular day. Some days, I was a general contractor for the crew building our house. Others, I was writing about Eve. Some days, I lingered in my favorite shops. Most days were a mix of a lot of things.

We are all a mix of a lot of things, but conversation generally reduces reduces us. So how do we get to the us. So how do we get to the more more inside inside? I started to answer this by writing out some alternative conversation starters-an I started to answer this by writing out some alternative conversation starters-an extroverted extroverted method. But I caught myself, as I do more readily now. For introverts, relations.h.i.+ps begin inside. method. But I caught myself, as I do more readily now. For introverts, relations.h.i.+ps begin inside.

Let's use the desire-based method we discussed in Chapter 7. Whether you are looking for a friend, love interest, or small community, imagine having exactly what you wish for. Get as specific as possible. These questions may help: Where are you? What setting are you in?

Are you involved in an activity or just hanging out?

Are you involved in an activity How do you communicate?

What do you appreciate about this friend or friends?

What do you appreciate about this friend or What are you learning from the friend(s)?

What does this friend(s) appreciate about you?