Introvert Power_ Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength Part 6

What feelings do you have when you are together?

What feelings do you have when you are What can you share with this person?

What pa.s.sions or interests do you have in common?

What are your deal-breakers? What characteristics are not acceptable in the friend(s) you choose?

As you build your personal ideal, notice people around you. Play detective and observe what appeals to you and what turns you off. Make note of relations.h.i.+ps you witness directly or in stories-film, literature-that you'd like to have in your life. What is the potent ingredient in these intimate connections? I still remember watching the movie Beaches Beaches when it came out in 1988, and wis.h.i.+ng for the kind of friends.h.i.+p the two female characters shared. But what it was, specifically, that I envied, was the fact that the two women mattered enough to each other that they could fight and feel hurt and run away and come back. I had played it safe in relations.h.i.+ps. when it came out in 1988, and wis.h.i.+ng for the kind of friends.h.i.+p the two female characters shared. But what it was, specifically, that I envied, was the fact that the two women mattered enough to each other that they could fight and feel hurt and run away and come back. I had played it safe in relations.h.i.+ps.

Some of my colleagues might argue that it's a bad idea to promote fantasy-that wishful thinking can lead to hurt and disappointment. I would agree that hurt and disappointment are quite possible when we seek out what we want, though I also find that people who keep seeking generally find. But I think that the concern about fantasy is based in the extroversion a.s.sumption-the idea that we should just get out there and meet people. This kind of advice is so woven into our thinking that we don't question it. Introverts are not oriented that way. Introverts are not oriented that way. "Meeting," in the introductions-and-small-talk sense, is not our thing. Incubating the desire "Meeting," in the introductions-and-small-talk sense, is not our thing. Incubating the desire is is our thing, and it works: we get clear about what we want, excited about getting it, and smart about our strategies. Good incubators are often the ones who seem lucky-they happen to be in the right place at the right time. Because the internal activity is not visible to others, the good fortune seems effortless. And, in a way, it is. our thing, and it works: we get clear about what we want, excited about getting it, and smart about our strategies. Good incubators are often the ones who seem lucky-they happen to be in the right place at the right time. Because the internal activity is not visible to others, the good fortune seems effortless. And, in a way, it is.

Yes, wishful thinking may result in disappointment. But, if you're an introvert, putting what's out there out there before what's inside is a formula for disappointment: your best stuff stays inside, your energy runs out after the initial introductions, you limit your options, you get discouraged, and, all the while, you're not having fun. before what's inside is a formula for disappointment: your best stuff stays inside, your energy runs out after the initial introductions, you limit your options, you get discouraged, and, all the while, you're not having fun.

But do introverts expect too much? Might we drive someone away with our intensity? True, those of us seeking deeper connection can be intimidating to those who prefer meeting and moving on. Note that, when I say deeper, this not only refers to psychological or emotional depth. Deeper is what we think about in our private experience, whether we contemplate relations.h.i.+ps or why the Cubs' Mark DeRosa swung at ball four with the bases loaded in a playoff game. In one of my books on psychotherapy, intimacy was defined as closeness to another person's thinking. As with the mind meld, the therapist attempts to get as close as possible to the meaning things hold to the client. client. In the consulting room, however, this process goes in only one direction. In the relations.h.i.+ps we choose, two minds-or hearts or spirits-are trying to know and be known by each other. In the consulting room, however, this process goes in only one direction. In the relations.h.i.+ps we choose, two minds-or hearts or spirits-are trying to know and be known by each other.

So what is it inside you that you want known? What kind of inner life are you looking for in someone else? Whatever that is, the introvert wants to get to it.

Whatever it is, go to it.

My friend Christopher and I once discussed world religions. Both of us expressed our confusion over their structure and people's willingness to follow. Our conversation ventured deep into the heart of Catholicism, Buddhism, Islam, and several other dominating religions that we felt were insane to follow completely by the rules. It ended up with me emailing several churches and temples to find an answer, and I found most of their responses to be quite inspiring. Our conversations have also ventured into the theory of evolution, world government, life on other planets, and carbon-based matter. We tend to think deeply.

-Solveig, age fifteen INTIMACY THROUGH IDEAS.

If you dislike parties, do you really want to meet partiers? If you don't drink, do you want to spend your evening at a bar? We know the answer ("no"), yet parties and bars are often suggested for people looking to meet someone new-especially a romantic somebody. It seems a simple, but often-overlooked alternative, to seek out the minds that interest us.

If your mind is a notebook, writing as you go, take a writing course or join a writers' group. If science is your thing, attend a lecture series sponsored by a local college and hang out for the Q and A sessions: create the conditions for a meeting of minds. Volunteers are needed everywhere, for environmental projects, research, the arts-you name it. Investing in a cause you care about puts the idea first and the social aspect second. If you'd rather just share the silence, join a meditation circle.

But your search is likely to be more refined than that. Sure, you may want to meet a writer, but not just any writer. You also want someone who shares the values most important to you. And it would be nice if that person enjoyed a form of entertainment you enjoy. And so on.

This is one of the beauties of online profiles. All of the above can be included, and more. Online friends networks and dating sites, like the coffeehouse, are responding to the needs of introverts. We can write, not talk. We can get to the good stuff, and we can press delete as needed.

Whether you meet someone online or live, you'll find a better match if you give room to your desire, and you clarify what you want.

This requires a huge s.h.i.+ft away from our proximity-oriented, "love the one you're with" thinking. For extroverts, who enjoy a.s.sociating, getting to know a lot of people is not a problem-in fact, it's part of the fun. For introverts, who have limited energy for interaction, we need to be more thoughtful and deliberate about whom we meet-which, happily, is what we do best.

But "going for it" is risky. When we acknowledge what we want and apply energy toward it, we face the possibility of disappointment and loss. When I moved from Minnesota to West Virginia, I had my soul mate with me, but I was hungry for some new female friends, a need I had neglected in the past. I experienced my share of disappointment and loss: the extrovert friend(s) who repeatedly brought someone else along to lunch (the more the merrier, and the less intimate) and the introvert friend(s) who didn't have energy for another relations.h.i.+p. But, looking back, these were proximity friends.

No surprise to me now, I met "my people" at a cla.s.s on memoir writing. I signed up primarily because I'd heard good things about the cla.s.s and the topic interested me. Again, in retrospect, it makes sense to me that we often meet "the one" when we aren't looking, but are just engaged in what we love. But I didn't meet just one. I recognized one as a columnist I admired. We talked after cla.s.s-I am bold when it comes to applauding another person's writing-and it was love at first sight. Cindy and I shared the same vision: I was authoring my first book, a desire she also held, and she had a column, something that was part of my vision. We shared an idea, not in a compet.i.tive way, but in a reverent sort of way. Since then, Cindy has launched her first book and I secured a column.

The instructor wanted to foster family feelings among us, and scheduled readings at peoples' houses. Sharing our writing gave us that immediate access introverts crave. At one of the parties, I met another woman, a warm, easygoing introvert. Something had felt familiar about her all along, as if we had grown up in the same family. I trusted her, and my trust was well-founded. Though our lifestyles were quite different, we shared a deep commitment to our values and a hunger for truth. Beth is my best friend-and so is Cindy.

During that cla.s.s, a few of us gravitated together and eventually formed a writers' group. That was about seven years ago. Now we have a name, The Writers' Village, The Writers' Village, and we are writing a book together-a book that brings a piece of each one of us into a mind meld. and we are writing a book together-a book that brings a piece of each one of us into a mind meld.

I'm very loyal to my friends, but I don't have tons of people I consider friends. I hang out with a lot of people, but a good friends.h.i.+p is not something that happens very often. The people I'm close with I would do anything for. I value honesty.

-Ben, musician and producer STICKING IT OUT.

Whether you are looking for your people or your person, accept that you may strike out a few times before you hit a home run. It's not easy to lose a relations.h.i.+p that seemed right at first. In fact, it's one of the hardest experiences in life. But unless you allow some relations.h.i.+ps to be wrong, you are unlikely to get to the one or ones that are right.

Whatever kind of introvert you are, some people will find you "too much" in some ways and "not enough" in others. You may be considered too intense or not enough into socializing. And when you are seen this way, it hurts. And you question yourself. That's normal.

But it's crucial that you also see the other side of the equation. When you look back on someone who has disappointed you or left you, he was probably "too much" in some ways and "not enough" in others. Maybe he was too much into partying and not enough into closeness. The signs were there all along, but you didn't want to see them, or perhaps they were covered over by the hopes you both had at first. Or perhaps the person came into your life for a reason, and the two of you helped each other through something.

To sharpen your relations.h.i.+p awareness, grab a sheet of paper and a pen. Along the left side, make a list of your past relations.h.i.+ps that didn't work. Across the top, list the headings, "Not Enough," "Too Much," and "Gift." Then, for each person, note what was not enough for you, what was too much for you, and a gift you received from that person. If the loss is fresh, feel free to leave the "Gift" column empty-especially if you're still angry and grieving.

As you look over your list, you'll probably see some patterns. Do you tend to draw people who are consistently unable to give you what you need? Or, perhaps you attract people who give you a lot of what you don't need. When you start to become conscious of these patterns, ask for honest feedback from someone you trust, or give yourself the gift of a therapist. By investing the time to figure it out, you'll save yourself time in trial-and-error relations.h.i.+ps.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

-Albert Einstein, physicist and novel thinker Comfort in relations.h.i.+ps is key for introverts, so time is an important factor in existing relations.h.i.+ps as well. Sometimes it just takes a certain amount of hanging out together before we feel safe enough to disclose the good stuff. That's why family relations.h.i.+ps can be extremely important to introverts. Siblings already share a history, so a lot of groundwork has been taken care of. A partner or spouse can become a safe haven of intimacy in an overstimulating world. Introverts also benefit from knowing others are in it for the long haul. My two sisters closest in age and my husband are the people with whom I have risked the most honesty, and they with me. We know we're not going anywhere and that our closeness is the ultimate goal.

GOING DEEP.

So here's where we talk about conversations, because you'll probably have one at some point. If you want a book on icebreakers, this is not it. Icebreakers are usually just silence breakers, and they're usually designed to initiate talk at social events. They can be extremely useful for those purposes, but those are not the purposes we are talking about. Here are some thoughts on how to "go deep" with people you find through your introvert channels: Don't... Introduce topics that bore you-i.e., "Where do you work?" Introduce topics that bore you-i.e., "Where do you work?"

Ask questions that can be answered with "fine"-i.e., "How are you?"

Do... Ask questions you don't know the answer to-i.e., "When did you first know you wanted to teach?" Ask questions you don't know the answer to-i.e., "When did you first know you wanted to teach?"

Ask for personal definitions-i.e., "Help me understand. When you say the film was 'dark,' what does that mean to you?"

Observe. Notice how it's going. Allow silence. Don't try too hard.

Being authentically introverted in relations.h.i.+ps may feel weird at first. That's because, in our society, we equate relating with being extroverted. In the next section, we move into the s.p.a.ces we share with extroverts, and practice staying where we are.

Part III:

Standing Still in aLoud World

Chapter 11:.

The Conversation Conundrum.

The difficulty with this conversation is that it's very different from most of the ones I've had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees.-Douglas Adams Many introverts find great companions in pets-and trees-because they don't talk. talk. When I walk my dog, I can tell her everything on my mind, and she doesn't interrupt; she doesn't top it with a story of her own-she just walks with me. Ah, if people were only so easy. There is probably no area of greater conflict for an introvert than in the arena of social conversation. That is, if there are extroverts involved. Here's an example: When I walk my dog, I can tell her everything on my mind, and she doesn't interrupt; she doesn't top it with a story of her own-she just walks with me. Ah, if people were only so easy. There is probably no area of greater conflict for an introvert than in the arena of social conversation. That is, if there are extroverts involved. Here's an example: Extrovert: How is your day going?

Introvert: (taking the question in, thinking) Extrovert: I have had the craziest day...

Introvert: Yeah? (distracted from thinking) Extrovert: Yeah, it all started this morning when... (continues for five minutes or so)...So you're doing well then?

Introvert: Yeah. Oh, I gotta get going. See ya!

While the introvert is reflecting on the question (thinking first), the extrovert takes this as an invitation to fill the void (talking first). As long as the introvert doesn't interrupt, the extrovert continues to fill the interpersonal s.p.a.ce with talk. But as long as the extrovert talks, the introvert can't think and stays mute. Mute means the invitation is still open, and continued talk a.s.sures that the introvert remains mute. By the time the extrovert pauses to ask, the introvert's head is pounding and he or she just wants to get out so she can think. The extrovert just a.s.sumes the introvert had nothing to say, and moves on.

Not all extroverts converse this way, of course. In her book, Intimacy and Solitude, Intimacy and Solitude, Stephanie Dowrick refers to these "needy, talkative, self-absorbed, and unself consciously intrusive" people as "exhausters." Emotionally sensitive introverts tend to attract exhausters, or as I call them "extreme talkers." When I work with extreme talkers in therapy, I give them feedback that if they block me out, they aren't likely to get much help from me. They invariably respond with the request, "Please interrupt me." Though this is not my preferred approach, I have found that they do accept my interruptions and pay attention. And there really is no other way in; these talkers have the uncanny ability to keep pauses just short enough to block any possible response. Stephanie Dowrick refers to these "needy, talkative, self-absorbed, and unself consciously intrusive" people as "exhausters." Emotionally sensitive introverts tend to attract exhausters, or as I call them "extreme talkers." When I work with extreme talkers in therapy, I give them feedback that if they block me out, they aren't likely to get much help from me. They invariably respond with the request, "Please interrupt me." Though this is not my preferred approach, I have found that they do accept my interruptions and pay attention. And there really is no other way in; these talkers have the uncanny ability to keep pauses just short enough to block any possible response.

Whether I cut in or not, I have learned to keep my mind about me amid the talk. I'll share some tricks of the trade later in this chapter. But outside of my office, I rarely interrupt, and I avoid conversations that require me to do so. Emotionally needy people need need therapy, and emotionally healthy introverts need to avoid oppressive conversations. This may sound cra.s.s, but I make a clear distinction here. For introverts, extreme talk is not cheap at all-it takes a huge toll on us. Besides, our listening doesn't really help the talker! If the talker makes his way into therapy, however, the annoying excess-the part that is caught up in something, refusing to move on-is welcome and becomes the focus of treatment. We all have excess, and even the most reserved introverts can become extreme talkers in therapy. Some are so relieved to finally have airtime that they rush to get everything in while there's time. In Ovid's myth, Narcissus keeps looking at himself in the reflection of the pond because he does not yet therapy, and emotionally healthy introverts need to avoid oppressive conversations. This may sound cra.s.s, but I make a clear distinction here. For introverts, extreme talk is not cheap at all-it takes a huge toll on us. Besides, our listening doesn't really help the talker! If the talker makes his way into therapy, however, the annoying excess-the part that is caught up in something, refusing to move on-is welcome and becomes the focus of treatment. We all have excess, and even the most reserved introverts can become extreme talkers in therapy. Some are so relieved to finally have airtime that they rush to get everything in while there's time. In Ovid's myth, Narcissus keeps looking at himself in the reflection of the pond because he does not yet know know himself; therapy facilitates this self-knowledge. himself; therapy facilitates this self-knowledge.

If you get trapped in a conversation with an extreme talker, by all means, cut in-then cut out. Keep in mind that the talker may actually expect this, since he or she gives you no other alternative. Once you exhaust your polite efforts, cut in, say a quick "Gotta go-bye!" and cut out-just walk away. Don't look back. He or she is probably still talking.

You think this is rude? If you were being beaten on the head, would walking away be rude? For introverts, being "talked to death" is very much like being beaten on the head. Some of us end up with migraines, some of us get slimed by the anger spewed in our direction, and most of us feel drained of life energy. Talk can hurt us, and protecting ourselves from harm is not rude.

In contrast to extreme talkers, many extroverts strive for balance in the conversation, or even focus entirely on the introvert. These extroverts often ask direct and specific questions, moving the interaction along in a rhythmic fas.h.i.+on. The introvert, who prefers open-ended questions, may dutifully answer the extrovert-the path of least resistance-while becoming increasingly frustrated and bored. Though the extrovert may feel she's getting to know the introvert, the introvert can easily feel bypa.s.sed. Remember the tent a.n.a.logy? The important activity is inside; the aide outside is answering the questions. By contrast, the extrovert's good stuff is right out where you can see it-so no wonder she a.s.sumes the same of the introvert.

My husband is one of these "inquisitive extroverts." By the end of a party, he has spoken to everyone there and seems to discover something interesting about each attendee. I recall one of these parties. We drove together-big mistake-and he was still enjoying the party well past my burnout point. Because the host was a friend of mine, I felt comfortable grabbing a book from her bookcase and plopping down in a cozy chair. Ironically, the book was Stephanie Dowrick's Intimacy and Solitude, Intimacy and Solitude, a lovely book that kept me company until I was able to pry my escort away. a lovely book that kept me company until I was able to pry my escort away.

Inquisitive extroverts are easy to like and good at gathering information. My husband often updates me on my own family! But I've learned not to go to parent-teacher conferences with him. His interrogatory approach leaves me in the dust, and I either sit stupidly or fume until he catches my death stare and gives me some room.

Regardless of the intentions of the extrovert, the underlying dynamic remains: Extrovert outpaces Introvert.

Introvert either tries and gets tired, or listens and gets tired.

Extrovert fills the void.

Introvert gives up, and looks for a way out out of the conversation rather than a way of the conversation rather than a way in. in.

Add more people, and the introvert may not enter the conversation at all.

So how do we make an appearance in these conversations? Do we even want to? Let's look at our first example again, but we'll pry open some s.p.a.ce for the introvert's feelings, and turn up the volume: Extrovert: How are you?

Introvert: (taking the question in, thinking) Extrovert: I have had the craziest day... Introvert: Wait a minute! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Don't fill the void. I LIKE the void! I need the void to make room for my thoughts. So if you really want to know how I am, leave the void alone until I come up with something. If you don't want to wait, that's cool-just find someone else to talk to. I'm really quite content to be alone. Wait a minute! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Don't fill the void. I LIKE the void! I need the void to make room for my thoughts. So if you really want to know how I am, leave the void alone until I come up with something. If you don't want to wait, that's cool-just find someone else to talk to. I'm really quite content to be alone.

Alternatively, in the ancient words of Lao-tzu, as translated by Stephen Mitch.e.l.l, we might ask: Do you have the patience to wait till your [my] mud settles and the water is clear?

Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?

-from the Tao Te Ching, Tao Te Ching, or or The Book of theWay The Book of theWay Waiting for the "right action"-or in this case the "right words"-is what introverts do naturally; but extroverts don't easily let the mud settle. They stir it up! So try as we may, our water does not become clear.

THE RISK OF PLAYING.

There will always be those conversations that we just get through. Sometimes both parties are just being polite. But it is important to know that when we nod and allow extroverts to dominate we can pay a price. The extrovert ultimately loses too, but that's another book.

One problem with playing along is that, in the absence of talk, extroverts are easily able to project their own thoughts onto us. We We know that we're not really present in the conversation, but the extrovert does not know this. To the extrovert, silence is just silence. The void is know that we're not really present in the conversation, but the extrovert does not know this. To the extrovert, silence is just silence. The void is devoid. devoid. Or the void is agreement. Or the void is whatever the extrovert needs it to be-not because the extrovert is evil, but because he or she is oriented to external action. It just happens that the only action being recognized is the extrovert's. Let me provide some examples: Or the void is agreement. Or the void is whatever the extrovert needs it to be-not because the extrovert is evil, but because he or she is oriented to external action. It just happens that the only action being recognized is the extrovert's. Let me provide some examples: A reporter asks, "So what are your thoughts on the situation?" As you think about it, he continues, "A lot of people are feeling this way..." You nod to indicate that you're listening. He quotes you as saying what he just told you "a lot of people" have been saying. This scenario actually happened to me. Even though I had eventually shared my own thoughts with the reporter, because I nodded and did not actively dispute his statement, he a.s.sumed and even quoted my agreement. I read his thoughts, attributed to me, in the newspaper the next day.

Your extroverted partner talks with you about a problem the two of you need to address. You listen, not sure what your thoughts are on the matter. You may nod to indicate that you are listening. Because you don't say much, your partner a.s.sumes agreement, but you don't follow through on her expectations. Your partner is mad.

In these examples, the extrovert carries away potentially damaging a.s.sumptions about you. In one case, you are publicly misrepresented. In the other, a loved one sees you as neglectful or inadequate, or both.

Even though these responses may cause harm, the greatest harm occurs when we start to take on take on the beliefs of the extrovert. This happens very subtly, and we may not even realize what's happening. Though we think we're dismissing the extrovert by providing a patronizing response, we also dismiss the beliefs of the extrovert. This happens very subtly, and we may not even realize what's happening. Though we think we're dismissing the extrovert by providing a patronizing response, we also dismiss ourselves. ourselves. Let's consider the example of you and your partner: he or she brings a specific set of a.s.sumptions to the conversation. Your partner a.s.sumes something is wrong, and that he or she has a solution. Because you haven't had a chance to think about it, and it sounds pretty good, you go along with it. But then you find yourself, and your partner finds you, not following through on the solution. You and your partner Let's consider the example of you and your partner: he or she brings a specific set of a.s.sumptions to the conversation. Your partner a.s.sumes something is wrong, and that he or she has a solution. Because you haven't had a chance to think about it, and it sounds pretty good, you go along with it. But then you find yourself, and your partner finds you, not following through on the solution. You and your partner both both conclude that you are neglectful or inadequate, or both. conclude that you are neglectful or inadequate, or both.

But, more likely, you haven't really bought in to your partner's way of thinking, and this this is why you aren't following through. If you take your partner more seriously, is why you aren't following through. If you take your partner more seriously, and and take yourself more seriously, you would need time to explore your own a.s.sumptions about the proposed solution. Once you do so, you may discover that you have a whole different take on the situation. You're not a bad person after all-you just have not entered the conversation! take yourself more seriously, you would need time to explore your own a.s.sumptions about the proposed solution. Once you do so, you may discover that you have a whole different take on the situation. You're not a bad person after all-you just have not entered the conversation!

But if you don't take the time to find your own truth and you conclude that you are just a bad person, the harm goes deep. You wonder why you're so negligent, so lazy, so thoughtless-actually, you haven't haven't thought enough, you become alienated from yourself, and you're on your way to that self-hating syndrome called depression. thought enough, you become alienated from yourself, and you're on your way to that self-hating syndrome called depression.

STOP! It is time to stop the conversation, stop the self-reproach, and start tuning in to what you think. When my own psychoa.n.a.lysis gave me the time to tune in, I was struck by how much I had inadvertently agreed to. After one of my sessions, I wrote this poem, which I t.i.tled "I Will Decide": You used to soak into my pores you infiltrating, me accommodating.

I became your wants and needs I became you.

I used to disappear into your opinions My head nodding, my "uh-huh" echoing You represented me.

Then I woke up A neonate, but with a powerful cry, "I am mine, and I will decide."

SLOWING IT DOWN.

So how do we stop the action, or at least slow it down, so that we can let our mud settle and discover our thoughts?

The answer is simple, but challenging: Hold your ground. Hold your ground. Notice that I didn't suggest you think of a witty retort: we suck at that. Holding is very different than responding. Holding your ground means doing whatever you need to do to stay centered. In this sense, it is a kind of meditation, a practice in stillness. For some of us, this means holding your Notice that I didn't suggest you think of a witty retort: we suck at that. Holding is very different than responding. Holding your ground means doing whatever you need to do to stay centered. In this sense, it is a kind of meditation, a practice in stillness. For some of us, this means holding your head head steady, resisting your tendency to nod and say "uh-huh." Let your face show that you don't know yet. steady, resisting your tendency to nod and say "uh-huh." Let your face show that you don't know yet.

Tune in to what you are feeling. Your head may trick you, but your gut is usually dead-on.

Holding your ground also means staying free of the pressure to entrain, to succ.u.mb to the spell of extrovert intensity.

Social skills training stresses the importance of eye contact, but limiting eye contact may be necessary when you need to unlock from the gaze of an intense extrovert.

Psychoa.n.a.lytic therapists learn to maintain a position of neutrality so that the client remains free to express himself. For introverts, maintaining neutrality is a way to remain uncommitted until you have an opinion or response. This skill takes discipline. When someone is laughing and you don't find it funny, you don't laugh. When someone says, "You know what I mean?" and you don't know what she means, don't say "yeah." You don't even need to say "no," because the question is rhetorical. Doing nothing is amazingly powerful.

As you wait for your mud to settle, notice what's going on inside you. Turn up the volume on your internal voice. For a psychoa.n.a.lytic therapist, the inner voice helps lead to insight about the client. For example, when I am bored by something the client is saying, that is an indicator to me that the client is stuck in a neurotic repet.i.tion-same story, different day. My boredom tells me that the client is avoiding something.

In the case of a casual conversation, your inner voice is for your your use. Here's an example: use. Here's an example: Extrovert: We need to talk.

Introvert: Silent. (Thinking: "Why?" "I don't feel a need to talk.") Extrovert: We aren't spending enough time together.

Introvert: What do you have in mind? (s.h.i.+fting the discussion from "we" to "you"; getting more information) Extrovert: I want you to be around more.

Introvert: Silent. (Thinking: "Noooooooo! I don't get enough time to myself as it is!") Extrovert: Why aren't you saying anything?

Introvert: (Honest) Because I'm thinking about what you're saying.

Extrovert: So what do you think?

Introvert: (Puzzled, internally-focused look) I'm thinking a lot of things (slowing it down).

Extrovert: (Impatient)Well?

Introvert: Let's see (slowing it down). I want to respond to you, but I'm also worried.

Extrovert: About WHAT?