Introvert Power_ Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength Part 4

OFFICE s.p.a.cE.

"Office s.p.a.ce" is somewhat of an oxymoron these days. Office s.p.a.ce Office s.p.a.ce (1999) is also a hilarious movie. The following lines between the characters played by Jennifer Aniston and Ron Livingston reflect the contempt employees feel for the cubicle culture of today's office: (1999) is also a hilarious movie. The following lines between the characters played by Jennifer Aniston and Ron Livingston reflect the contempt employees feel for the cubicle culture of today's office: Peter: I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.

Joanna: You're just not gonna go? You're just not gonna go?

Peter: Yeah. Yeah.

Joanna: Won't you get fired? Won't you get fired?

Peter: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go. I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.

I would imagine most introverts have fantasized about doing what Peter did-and some have pulled it off. But dropping out is not a viable option for most of us, and many of us spend at least part of our time at an office-without an office. The office of today has banished private s.p.a.ce in favor of freestanding modules cluttering ma.s.sive rooms: the dreaded an office. The office of today has banished private s.p.a.ce in favor of freestanding modules cluttering ma.s.sive rooms: the dreaded cubicle. cubicle.

In an article for Fortune Fortune (March 22, 2006), Julie Schlosser reviewed how cubicles were faring thirty years after Robert Propst released his prototype for the enclosure. The article, "Cubicles: The great mistake," noted that Propst, like inventors of tools used in warfare, despised the office culture that grew out of his contribution. Schlosser compared the cubicle to crabgra.s.s that persists in growing despite its lack of popularity: (March 22, 2006), Julie Schlosser reviewed how cubicles were faring thirty years after Robert Propst released his prototype for the enclosure. The article, "Cubicles: The great mistake," noted that Propst, like inventors of tools used in warfare, despised the office culture that grew out of his contribution. Schlosser compared the cubicle to crabgra.s.s that persists in growing despite its lack of popularity: Reviled by workers, demonized by designers, disowned by its very creator, it still claims the largest share of office furniture sales-$3 billion or so a year-and has outlived every "office of the future" meant to replace it. It is the Fidel Castro of office furniture. Reviled by workers, demonized by designers, disowned by its very creator, it still claims the largest share of office furniture sales-$3 billion or so a year-and has outlived every "office of the future" meant to replace it. It is the Fidel Castro of office furniture.

Office-less office employees, retail personnel, nurses, and administrative staff-to mention only a few-spend a great deal of their day within easy reach of others. Even those of us who have the luxury of a door often feel pressure to keep it open.

What kind of room do you have at work? Mentally go to that place, sit or stand wherever you sit or stand, and look around. What is your view? What feelings do you have as you look around? How well can you think think in this s.p.a.ce? in this s.p.a.ce?

Now exit reality and imagine your ideal works.p.a.ce. Don't think about your real job or even your profession for the moment. Just think about the kind of s.p.a.ce you would love to work in-your works.p.a.ce. As we did for your room, consider size, the view, the lighting, and what you want inside. I'll put in another bookmark so you can go off and do your thinking. You may want to jump back to the first bookmark and use the questions there to get you going. works.p.a.ce. As we did for your room, consider size, the view, the lighting, and what you want inside. I'll put in another bookmark so you can go off and do your thinking. You may want to jump back to the first bookmark and use the questions there to get you going.

This is where you left off while getting your supplies.

If you are resisting this exercise, protesting that you have no choice about your work setting, I'll say what I say to my clients: "You have a choice about whether to like it. like it." And introverts, in particular, have been told for too long to like it-from the team meetings to the happy hour after work. I'm not suggesting we start whining and feeling depressed about our work setting; we may already be doing both. What I am suggesting is that we do what we do best: seek inner clarity. As you compare your ideal and real work settings, you will start to get that clarity.

Whining is an indication of powerlessness, as when the child whines about going to school. Inner clarity is a source of power: the clearer you are about what you want, the more prepared you are to act when the time is ripe. And the time may be ripe now.

James Meyer, who specializes in placing IT (Information Technology) professionals, saw the loss of ident.i.ty that came with the cubicle culture, and has helped to usher in an increasingly popular option: telecommuting-commuting to work via computer. Working at home has become a standard part of the contracts Meyer negotiates for these highly skilled professionals. "They're much happier," says Meyer, who also works at home, "only now they complain about coming in for a staff meeting."

But IT specialists aren't the only employees working from home, also referred to as teleworking. teleworking. Here's an idea that environmentalists and conservative policymakers can agree on. In addition to saving energy and reducing pollution, spreading out work is being promoted as a solution to terrorism-take that Osama! A 2007 survey by CDW Corporation reported that forty-four percent of Federal employees now have the option to telework. And, as Meyer observed, telecommuters are happier employees. Results of a 2006 survey by Here's an idea that environmentalists and conservative policymakers can agree on. In addition to saving energy and reducing pollution, spreading out work is being promoted as a solution to terrorism-take that Osama! A 2007 survey by CDW Corporation reported that forty-four percent of Federal employees now have the option to telework. And, as Meyer observed, telecommuters are happier employees. Results of a 2006 survey by Money Money magazine and Salary.com, reported by Rob Kelley for CNNMoney.com, revealed that satisfied workers had the most work-from-home options and "the most stressed workers were also least able to telecommute, with only a third saying it was an option for them at work." The report also found that flexibility in hours and ease of getting time off made for happier employees. And these happier employees weren't slackers: the most satisfied employees actually worked eleven hours more per week than the least satisfied group! magazine and Salary.com, reported by Rob Kelley for CNNMoney.com, revealed that satisfied workers had the most work-from-home options and "the most stressed workers were also least able to telecommute, with only a third saying it was an option for them at work." The report also found that flexibility in hours and ease of getting time off made for happier employees. And these happier employees weren't slackers: the most satisfied employees actually worked eleven hours more per week than the least satisfied group!

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

-Robert Frost Schlosser's piece in Fortune Fortune also discussed the telecommuting trend, as well as the office located in a "third s.p.a.ce"-usually a quiet coffeehouse. The home office and third s.p.a.ce alternatives were envisioned by the sixties' revolutionary Stewart Brand, author of also discussed the telecommuting trend, as well as the office located in a "third s.p.a.ce"-usually a quiet coffeehouse. The home office and third s.p.a.ce alternatives were envisioned by the sixties' revolutionary Stewart Brand, author of The Whole Earth Catalog, The Whole Earth Catalog, who has worked out of a converted s.h.i.+pping container as well as a beached fis.h.i.+ng boat. who has worked out of a converted s.h.i.+pping container as well as a beached fis.h.i.+ng boat.

Even if the time is not not ripe for you to claim your own office s.p.a.ce, here are some ways you can bring a sense of "mine" to the s.p.a.ce you have: ripe for you to claim your own office s.p.a.ce, here are some ways you can bring a sense of "mine" to the s.p.a.ce you have: Take your breaks! When the clock says it's time for your break or for lunch, get out. Start a list of places you can go to reenergize. A client of mine lamented giving up smoking because she missed the "smoke breaks." Think of introvert time-outs as When the clock says it's time for your break or for lunch, get out. Start a list of places you can go to reenergize. A client of mine lamented giving up smoking because she missed the "smoke breaks." Think of introvert time-outs as breathing breathing breaks. If your break isn't long enough to allow a complete retreat, have a book or journal handy-both send the message, "I want to be alone." breaks. If your break isn't long enough to allow a complete retreat, have a book or journal handy-both send the message, "I want to be alone."

Work unconventional hours. If you can flex, try working earlier or later than your colleagues. Working a weekend day in exchange for a workday can be a refres.h.i.+ng switch: an empty office on the weekend, and a quieter world on a weekday. If you can flex, try working earlier or later than your colleagues. Working a weekend day in exchange for a workday can be a refres.h.i.+ng switch: an empty office on the weekend, and a quieter world on a weekday.

Claim the s.p.a.ce you have. Bring in an item from your room at home, something quirky that only you could think of. Clear clutter. Every so often, close your eyes and breathe. Let your body language communicate, "I'm working." Bring in an item from your room at home, something quirky that only you could think of. Clear clutter. Every so often, close your eyes and breathe. Let your body language communicate, "I'm working."

Find alternative s.p.a.ce AT the office. Retreat to a spare conference room to work on a project. Volunteer to make a run to the post office, library, or storage facility and savor the time in your car. In the sitcom Retreat to a spare conference room to work on a project. Volunteer to make a run to the post office, library, or storage facility and savor the time in your car. In the sitcom Scrubs, Scrubs, medical interns used the supply closet as a hideout when they needed to have a panic attack or a good cry. If you seek private s.p.a.ce, you are much more likely to find it. medical interns used the supply closet as a hideout when they needed to have a panic attack or a good cry. If you seek private s.p.a.ce, you are much more likely to find it.

Regardless of where you roam in the course of your day, don't forget to take your mind with you-the ultimate private s.p.a.ce. Practice being honest with yourself. Make note of what you like and don't like, what feels right and what feels wrong. Give mental s.p.a.ce to your desires. Seek clarity. Make revisions as needed. And be very, very kind to yourself. Your s.p.a.ce will expand. I promise.

Chapter 7:.

The Time to Think Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth, more than ruin, more even than death. Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible; thought is merciless to privilege, established inst.i.tutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of h.e.l.l and is not afraid.

-Bertrand Russell You have your day scheduled out, given over to the expectations of others. You brace yourself for what's ahead. Then you get a call. The day is cancelled; everyone who needed you is down with a three-day virus.

Is there anything more delicious? You know what I'm talking about. We don't like others to be sick, but we love love others to cancel. We become giddy at the prospect of "found" time-time without plans or expectations. Time to think. Time between time. others to cancel. We become giddy at the prospect of "found" time-time without plans or expectations. Time to think. Time between time.

Why is it so hard to plan this kind of time? We take a day off and then feel guilty that we're not getting enough done or not having enough fun fun - or both. Found time is a gift; planned time becomes a demand, which, paradoxically, is not time at all. I return again to Whitman's - or both. Found time is a gift; planned time becomes a demand, which, paradoxically, is not time at all. I return again to Whitman's Song of the Open Road Song of the Open Road and imagine him looking in every direction and inhaling "great draughts of s.p.a.ce." What if we could not only experience such s.p.a.ce but also inhale great draughts of and imagine him looking in every direction and inhaling "great draughts of s.p.a.ce." What if we could not only experience such s.p.a.ce but also inhale great draughts of time? time?

For an introvert, ample time would provide a cus.h.i.+on around activity-the mental s.p.a.ce we need to reflect, to make meaning, to find inspiration. There would be lots of "time between time," and introverts would thrive.

This option is not just available in fantasy or in the introvert's version of heaven. Just as we can reclaim our s.p.a.ce, we can indulge in time. First, let's look at what we're up against.

TIME POVERTY.

In America, time has become a commodity, and a scarce one at that. We invent more and more ways of saving time, only to find even more ways to spend it. When we say that "time is money," we make time a product-and produce, we must! When we say that "time is money," we really mean that money is more important more important than time: that time has value to the extent that it is redeemable in money. The introvert mode of thinking than time: that time has value to the extent that it is redeemable in money. The introvert mode of thinking first first is not valued, because the thinking time is not a tangible product. Even if the thinking time is is not valued, because the thinking time is not a tangible product. Even if the thinking time is on its way on its way to being a tangible product, we believe time is scarce, so we can't afford much of that kind of time. Those who think on their feet, or simply to being a tangible product, we believe time is scarce, so we can't afford much of that kind of time. Those who think on their feet, or simply use use their feet and their mouths, seem to be making good on the time-money trade. In our American "just do it" society, their feet and their mouths, seem to be making good on the time-money trade. In our American "just do it" society, doing doing takes the lead over takes the lead over knowing. knowing. Value is a.s.sociated with what you produce, what you show to the world. And, like cheap talk, credit cards allow us to show much, much more-whether or not we have anything real to back it. Value is a.s.sociated with what you produce, what you show to the world. And, like cheap talk, credit cards allow us to show much, much more-whether or not we have anything real to back it.

Likewise, our technology allows us to do much, much more-whether or not we have the knowledge to back it. But just as the credit card sucks away the borrower's cash and freedom, excessive doing leaves the mind vacant, clueless, and increasingly dependent on, well, "doing." We sit down to think, we become anxious, we pop up again and get busy to restore the feeling feeling that we're going somewhere. We have no idea where, but at least we're going there. that we're going somewhere. We have no idea where, but at least we're going there.

To achieve, you need thought. You have to know what you are doing and that's real power.

-Ayn Rand THE TICKING BOMB MODEL.

Introverts have a hard time keeping up, and this may be our salvation-and society's society's salvation. Introverts shut down when there's too much stimulation. We don't have much choice. A red light flashes, "OVERLOAD," and we know it's time to pull back and think. The only problem is, we don't have salvation. Introverts shut down when there's too much stimulation. We don't have much choice. A red light flashes, "OVERLOAD," and we know it's time to pull back and think. The only problem is, we don't have time. time. Or at least that's what we're told. Or at least that's what we're told.

We have built an entire mythology around the idea that there is no time, using phrases like "running out of time" without thought. Do we really run out of time? Or do we run time out? out? And who thought of the term "deadline"? Are we really supposed to be motivated by fear, by the idea that there is not enough, by poverty? When I published my first book and we were doing my final revisions, I was floored when the editor nonchalantly informed me of the " And who thought of the term "deadline"? Are we really supposed to be motivated by fear, by the idea that there is not enough, by poverty? When I published my first book and we were doing my final revisions, I was floored when the editor nonchalantly informed me of the "drop dead date"-the date when everything, absolutely, had to be in. This was a real industry term! But the a.s.sociations between unproductive time and death don't stop there. Stop to reflect, and you are "killing time." Such violent language is enough to make anyone anxious! date"-the date when everything, absolutely, had to be in. This was a real industry term! But the a.s.sociations between unproductive time and death don't stop there. Stop to reflect, and you are "killing time." Such violent language is enough to make anyone anxious!

In our culture, time is chopped up into portions. Time starts and stops, and all along the time bomb ticks. We feel immense guilt if we don't produce in the allotted time chunk. Work starts when the clock says it's time, and it is imperative that you start, too. In our society, time is rigid, stingy, and running out.

It is useful to make agreements about time, and I'll be the first to admit that having a "deadline" helps-but then again, it's the only system I know. But do we really need to be threatened? Have we lost all trust in the creative process?

FROM DEADLINE TO BIRTH TIME.

What if we called the target date the "birth time" instead? Birthing happens when the project-the baby-is ready. ready. Most of the work happens inside, naturally. The pressure builds until that little life Most of the work happens inside, naturally. The pressure builds until that little life has to has to come out. But, as opposed to a come out. But, as opposed to a deadline, deadline, the pressure is the pressure is internal. internal. A terrified woman in the throes of labor may want to call the whole thing off, but the creative process takes over, and she is soon looking into the eyes of a completely new human being. A terrified woman in the throes of labor may want to call the whole thing off, but the creative process takes over, and she is soon looking into the eyes of a completely new human being.

Introverts have direct access to this internal power-the power to birth fully formed ideas, insights, and solutions. People ask me how I'm able to come up with enough material to fill a book. I tell them, "I've been writing this all of my life." An introvert who sits back in a meeting, taking in the arguments, dreamily reflecting on the big picture, may be seen as not contributing-that is, until he works out the solution that all the contributors missed.

The birthing model not only allows time to think, but it allows time to stay alive. We can't really kill time, and we can't really chop time up. We just don't have that much control. Time is time. It will be there whether we run ourselves ragged or sit on the dock of the bay. And, for introverts especially, this is very good news.

For almost twenty years, I have devoted my psychology practice to "rehabilitating desire": helping clients revive desires that have been a.s.saulted by external demands, and restoring their trust in their own desire-based motivation. Though we often think of desire in s.e.xual terms-and s.e.xual desire is a good example of this motivating energy-I use the term in its broader and richer sense. Desire is the seed of intrinsic motivation, the natural impulse to create, to expand, to grow.

People often argue that desire is inherently bad or burdensome, fostering either harmful behavior or greedy consumption. Harmful outcomes do sometimes occur, but they happen when desire is not given the proper attention-and time. A person bent on getting drunk probably does not want to consume toxins and eventually become sick and depressed; she desires a change in her state of mind. She didn't overindulge at all; she underindulged. underindulged. She did not give her desire enough time, thought, or attention. In fact, addictive behaviors usually have more to do with a need to She did not give her desire enough time, thought, or attention. In fact, addictive behaviors usually have more to do with a need to extinguish extinguish desire. The thinking is: "If I binge, I won't ever be hungry again," or "If I build a huge house with everything I need, I will never have to move." Why in the world would we want to eliminate our experience of hunger or stop exploring new horizons? Because time is running out, of course. We need to figure out how to make babies quicker! desire. The thinking is: "If I binge, I won't ever be hungry again," or "If I build a huge house with everything I need, I will never have to move." Why in the world would we want to eliminate our experience of hunger or stop exploring new horizons? Because time is running out, of course. We need to figure out how to make babies quicker!

The paradox is, when we use the desire model instead of the death model, everything is easier. Desire, when it is properly nourished, works like pregnancy and birth: once it gets going, there's no stopping it. But birthing requires the capacity to hold, to tolerate the growing pressure of what's inside and to patiently wait until it's ready. This holding capacity is the hallmark of introversion. This holding capacity is the hallmark of introversion. And it's extremely powerful. Here's how it works: And it's extremely powerful. Here's how it works: There is more to life than increasing its speed.

-Gandhi Step 1: Capture your wishful thinking. Pay attention to the times you say to yourself, "I wish I could ________," or "Wouldn't it be nice if __________." Sometimes the wish will be for something extravagant; other times you will feel the desire to solve a problem or master something you're working on. You may just want a break. Whatever it is, take note of it. Feelings of desire come up multiple times a day, but we often cover them over before we recognize them. You may want to keep a Desire Notebook. Putting your wishes in writing makes them visible and tangible, and helps you notice emerging themes. Pay attention to the times you say to yourself, "I wish I could ________," or "Wouldn't it be nice if __________." Sometimes the wish will be for something extravagant; other times you will feel the desire to solve a problem or master something you're working on. You may just want a break. Whatever it is, take note of it. Feelings of desire come up multiple times a day, but we often cover them over before we recognize them. You may want to keep a Desire Notebook. Putting your wishes in writing makes them visible and tangible, and helps you notice emerging themes. Warning: Warning: Be prepared for thoughts that interrupt your desiring. They may tell you that what you want is too much to expect, or mockingly ask you, "Who do you think you are?" Don't let these thoughts trap you. Just return your attention to the desire. Be prepared for thoughts that interrupt your desiring. They may tell you that what you want is too much to expect, or mockingly ask you, "Who do you think you are?" Don't let these thoughts trap you. Just return your attention to the desire.

Step 2: Look into the desire. When you catch a desire, stay with it. If the desire seems harmful, ask yourself what you're really going for. Cheating on your partner will hurt people (which undermines the desire), but the desire to cheat is telling you something. If you want pa.s.sion, why should you settle for a part-time solution that leaves you feeling guilty? Think bigger. Sometimes we focus our desires on an When you catch a desire, stay with it. If the desire seems harmful, ask yourself what you're really going for. Cheating on your partner will hurt people (which undermines the desire), but the desire to cheat is telling you something. If you want pa.s.sion, why should you settle for a part-time solution that leaves you feeling guilty? Think bigger. Sometimes we focus our desires on an obstacle obstacle to what we want. For example, you may say, "I want this project done," when you to what we want. For example, you may say, "I want this project done," when you mean mean "I hate this project and want it out of my life forever." Or maybe you just want the rest you will earn after completing the project. "I hate this project and want it out of my life forever." Or maybe you just want the rest you will earn after completing the project.

Step 3: Fantasize. Once you get to the heart of your desire, give it some room. Think the desire. Visualize the desire. Edit the picture to make it just how you want it. For example, if you want a vacation, imagine where you are, whom you are with (if anyone), what you are doing, and how you are feeling. As your fantasy becomes more specific, your desire will build and gain power. Once you get to the heart of your desire, give it some room. Think the desire. Visualize the desire. Edit the picture to make it just how you want it. For example, if you want a vacation, imagine where you are, whom you are with (if anyone), what you are doing, and how you are feeling. As your fantasy becomes more specific, your desire will build and gain power.

Step 4: Allow new and conflicting desires. Once you hear the voice of your own desires, you may feel a bit overwhelmed by all that emerges. And sometimes two desires collide-like the desire to play all day and the desire to make money. Holding so much potential can feel overwhelming at times. But this feeling usually comes from the thought that you need to immediately do something with the desire. Though introverts are less p.r.o.ne to this impatience, society's cry to "do" is persistent. Replace the order to Once you hear the voice of your own desires, you may feel a bit overwhelmed by all that emerges. And sometimes two desires collide-like the desire to play all day and the desire to make money. Holding so much potential can feel overwhelming at times. But this feeling usually comes from the thought that you need to immediately do something with the desire. Though introverts are less p.r.o.ne to this impatience, society's cry to "do" is persistent. Replace the order to do do with permission to with permission to allow. allow. Simply allow the new desire, knowing its time may be sooner or later. Let conflicting desires sit side by side. Simply allow the new desire, knowing its time may be sooner or later. Let conflicting desires sit side by side.

Step 5: Allow fulfillment. Once you empower the desire within you, it will automatically move toward fulfillment. When you feed conflicting desires, you engage your creative capacity to create higher-level solutions. The more you trust your desires and allow them to emerge, the less effort you have to expend. You notice an ad in the paper, a friend calls with a proposal, you are moved by an invisible force to act. All that is left for you to do is to respond and say "thank you." Once you empower the desire within you, it will automatically move toward fulfillment. When you feed conflicting desires, you engage your creative capacity to create higher-level solutions. The more you trust your desires and allow them to emerge, the less effort you have to expend. You notice an ad in the paper, a friend calls with a proposal, you are moved by an invisible force to act. All that is left for you to do is to respond and say "thank you."

NATURE'S RHYTHM, SOCIETY'S RHYTHM.

In his fascinating book, Time s.h.i.+fting, Time s.h.i.+fting, Stephan Rechtschaffen discusses another factor in how we experience time: Stephan Rechtschaffen discusses another factor in how we experience time: entrainment. entrainment. Entrainment is what happens when you set two pendulum clocks to swing at different rates, and then put them side-by-side. They start to move together. Since this phenomenon was discovered in the 17th century, applications have been found everywhere, from synchronized menstrual cycles among women who live together, to separate heart muscle cells that pulse together after being placed together. In the same way, entrainment affects our sense of time. People speed up in the hubbub of an airport, whether or not they need to. You tap your foot to the beat of the music. A mother holds a sleeping baby over her chest, and the two begin to breathe in perfect harmony. Entrainment is what happens when you set two pendulum clocks to swing at different rates, and then put them side-by-side. They start to move together. Since this phenomenon was discovered in the 17th century, applications have been found everywhere, from synchronized menstrual cycles among women who live together, to separate heart muscle cells that pulse together after being placed together. In the same way, entrainment affects our sense of time. People speed up in the hubbub of an airport, whether or not they need to. You tap your foot to the beat of the music. A mother holds a sleeping baby over her chest, and the two begin to breathe in perfect harmony.

When we were more dependent on nature and its seasonal fluctuations, the rhythms of time were cyclical. Now we experience time as a straight line with a beginning and an end-or many disconnected beginnings and endings. Rechtschaffen discusses the overall s.h.i.+ft in our rhythm that came with the Industrial Revolution: If the days, the seasons, even lifetimes come around again, then time never runs out. What is not completed in the circle of today may be accomplished tomorrow. If not this year, then the next; if not in this lifetime, then in another...By contrast, our modern rhythm is distinctly unnatural, unnatural, mirroring society's pull, not the magnetism of the earth. We're taught to think quickly, act quickly, accomplish quickly... We have superimposed on nature the rhythms of greed, of materialism, of "having it all." mirroring society's pull, not the magnetism of the earth. We're taught to think quickly, act quickly, accomplish quickly... We have superimposed on nature the rhythms of greed, of materialism, of "having it all."

Rechtschaffen also reminds us that nature is still with us and many different rhythms are available in modern life.

THE RHYTHM OF INTROVERSION.

For better and for worse, introverts are more naturally attuned to nature's rhythms. Because we are internally oriented, we can more easily entrain with the rhythms of the body; and the rhythms of the body respond to the cycles of nature-i.e., light and dark, heat and cold.

As we discussed in Chapter 1, introverts have been found to experience a higher level of mental arousal on an ongoing basis. We seek to reduce the added stimulation offered by society. By contrast, extroverts, who experience a lower level of arousal, look to society for excitement. It follows that extroverts would be more easily entrained with the rhythms of society, and another set of studies support this contention.

These studies, reported in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology between the years 2000 and 2006 (one included over six thousand subjects from thirty-nine different countries) consistently found that extroverts, when compared to introverts, are more responsive to external rewards, especially those of a social nature. Extroverts also seemed to be better at controlling and maintaining consistent and pleasant moods. Introverts, on the other hand, experienced greater variability in their mood states, fluctuations that were less dependent on external rewards. between the years 2000 and 2006 (one included over six thousand subjects from thirty-nine different countries) consistently found that extroverts, when compared to introverts, are more responsive to external rewards, especially those of a social nature. Extroverts also seemed to be better at controlling and maintaining consistent and pleasant moods. Introverts, on the other hand, experienced greater variability in their mood states, fluctuations that were less dependent on external rewards.

The findings suggested that extroverts have an advantage, but I read the results a different way. If the goal is to be consistently pleasant, extroverts do seem to have the advantage. But if the goal is to be attuned to the life cycle and its creative potential, I think introverts have the edge. We only need to reconnect with our power source.

When I first saw these findings on extroverts and pleasantness, I was p.i.s.sed (again), and I figured out why. why. I have been bothered for a while now by a New Age trend that, at its extreme, suggests that thought control can and should eliminate negative feelings. This, to echo Rechtschaffen, is I have been bothered for a while now by a New Age trend that, at its extreme, suggests that thought control can and should eliminate negative feelings. This, to echo Rechtschaffen, is unnatural- unnatural-it is flow without the ebb, day without night, expression without examination, yang without yin. And this societal orientation excludes introverts.

But, as quickly as I identified my anger, I realized that I don't really care-demonstrating both my fluctuating mood and my lack of response to social rewards. The extroverts can have society. I have nature.

To come full circle, as introverts like to do, time to think time to think is not only a luxury for introverts; it is a is not only a luxury for introverts; it is a necessity. necessity.We need to pull our pendulums away from social rhythms and access the life-giving power of our own minds-our wonderfully aroused minds. Let's look at some ways to expand time.

s.h.i.+ft from "take" to "give." I've been holding onto an article for years, waiting for the time I had need of it. It's a piece I found in I've been holding onto an article for years, waiting for the time I had need of it. It's a piece I found in Parabola Parabola magazine, t.i.tled "Learning to Die," by Brother David Steindl-Rast. In the article, the Benedictine monk discusses the awareness that comes with the "rule of St. Benedict," which is to "have death at all times before one's eyes." The death he talks about is not the artificial death imposed by goals, but quite the opposite: the magazine, t.i.tled "Learning to Die," by Brother David Steindl-Rast. In the article, the Benedictine monk discusses the awareness that comes with the "rule of St. Benedict," which is to "have death at all times before one's eyes." The death he talks about is not the artificial death imposed by goals, but quite the opposite: the giving over giving over of goals, purpose, control. Throughout his article, he reveals how the language of "taking" is embedded into our thinking, and how this mentality has created "an 'underdeveloped nation' with regard to meaningful living." He observes: "We say we take time; but we really live only if we of goals, purpose, control. Throughout his article, he reveals how the language of "taking" is embedded into our thinking, and how this mentality has created "an 'underdeveloped nation' with regard to meaningful living." He observes: "We say we take time; but we really live only if we give give time to what time to what takes takes time. If you take a seat, it is not a very comfortable way of sitting down but if you let the seat take you that's more like it." To Steindl-Rast, this giving over, this att.i.tude of "leisure" is a time. If you take a seat, it is not a very comfortable way of sitting down but if you let the seat take you that's more like it." To Steindl-Rast, this giving over, this att.i.tude of "leisure" is a virtue. virtue.

Practice giving. Give Give time to what you value. time to what you value. Give up Give up a little control. Work and play from a position of abundance, from an att.i.tude of leisure. a little control. Work and play from a position of abundance, from an att.i.tude of leisure.

Bring your pendulum with you. Remember that half of us are introverted, so we have a huge impact on entrainment. Regularly calibrate your pendulum to your breath, to the rhythm of nature, to the pace of your thoughts. When you are among people, you'll feel more pulls to adjust your pendulum. Instead of focusing on the loudest and fastest, though, look at the quiet introvert reading in the corner, the gra.s.s below you, or consider how long it took to construct the building you are in. In conversations, ground yourself-gravity opposes entrainment-and draw on the following Bill of Rights for support: Remember that half of us are introverted, so we have a huge impact on entrainment. Regularly calibrate your pendulum to your breath, to the rhythm of nature, to the pace of your thoughts. When you are among people, you'll feel more pulls to adjust your pendulum. Instead of focusing on the loudest and fastest, though, look at the quiet introvert reading in the corner, the gra.s.s below you, or consider how long it took to construct the building you are in. In conversations, ground yourself-gravity opposes entrainment-and draw on the following Bill of Rights for support: Unless someone is bleeding or choking or otherwise at risk of imminent demise, you have a right to think about it.

Someone else's pressure is their their pressure. You have a right to let them keep it. pressure. You have a right to let them keep it.

If someone makes a request and demands an immediate response, say "no." It is easier to change a "no" to a "yes" than it is to get out of something.

You have a right to not know until you know, especially when you're asked a big question. We all carry around a sense of knowing-that internal, inexplicable sense of when something is or isn't right, but we can't access that sense while under pressure.

You have a right to obtain more information. If you don't know, find out more.

You do not have to jump in with affirming comments when you don't feel it. You have a right to remain silent.

Flow in circular time. This principle has been an immense help to me in writing this book. With my deadlines, both internal and external, I can get caught up in linear time, trying to push forward from beginning to end. If I'm stuck, I keep pus.h.i.+ng. I try to flow without ebbing. I resist nature. This principle has been an immense help to me in writing this book. With my deadlines, both internal and external, I can get caught up in linear time, trying to push forward from beginning to end. If I'm stuck, I keep pus.h.i.+ng. I try to flow without ebbing. I resist nature.

The introverted, or yin, yin, principle teaches us to go back, to reflect. When we marry this concept with the forward-moving principle teaches us to go back, to reflect. When we marry this concept with the forward-moving yang, yang, we start to cooperate with nature and ride its energy. So now, when I'm stuck, I just flow around the block and return to it later. The cycling back works so well that I often fill in the blanks soon after I move forward. It's that old phenomenon of losing something: when you finally give up the search, you instantly remember where you last placed it. we start to cooperate with nature and ride its energy. So now, when I'm stuck, I just flow around the block and return to it later. The cycling back works so well that I often fill in the blanks soon after I move forward. It's that old phenomenon of losing something: when you finally give up the search, you instantly remember where you last placed it.

In my moving-forward mode, I was also acc.u.mulating piles of material to read and organize. I kept telling myself that I couldn't afford to attend to the piles, even though I was eager to dig in to the material. Something hit me as I was writing about j.a.pan and its yin yin nature. I gave-here's where I would normally say "spent" or "used" or "took"-a day to the piles. I gave a precious writing day to reading, creating files for material on each chapter, clearing the s.p.a.ce in my office. I decided to call it my nature. I gave-here's where I would normally say "spent" or "used" or "took"-a day to the piles. I gave a precious writing day to reading, creating files for material on each chapter, clearing the s.p.a.ce in my office. I decided to call it my yin day, yin day, and to have a yin day every week. Now my papers don't turn into piles. In Judeo-Christian traditions, the Sabbath is a kind of yin day, a day to rest from labor, to reflect, to atone for sins, and to express grat.i.tude for blessings. College students know the joy of a yin day after finals, when they get to scoop up all the scattered papers and attend to the wonderfully mundane needs that they neglected while studying for finals. and to have a yin day every week. Now my papers don't turn into piles. In Judeo-Christian traditions, the Sabbath is a kind of yin day, a day to rest from labor, to reflect, to atone for sins, and to express grat.i.tude for blessings. College students know the joy of a yin day after finals, when they get to scoop up all the scattered papers and attend to the wonderfully mundane needs that they neglected while studying for finals.

When we embrace the option to cycle back, we not only get a chance to attend to neglected details, we can also reevaluate and correct the mindless agreements we make while socially entrained. For example, if you say "yes" to an engagement because you can't think of an excuse, you can go back and correct the conversation.

Read or watch time-benders. Shake up your sense of time by entering a new dimension. Pick up a DVD of old Shake up your sense of time by entering a new dimension. Pick up a DVD of old Twilight Zone Twilight Zone episodes. Read episodes. Read Einstein's Dreams Einstein's Dreams by Alan Lightman by Alan Lightman. In his brilliant, beguiling, and extremely short novel, each of the genius' dreams create a different world operating on a different time system: in one, time flows backwards; in another, people live forever; and in another, people live their lives in one day. In his brilliant, beguiling, and extremely short novel, each of the genius' dreams create a different world operating on a different time system: in one, time flows backwards; in another, people live forever; and in another, people live their lives in one day.

Embrace limbo. If you have had the experience of traveling to another country, you know that getting there can try your patience. I think back to the experience of cruising the Caribbean with my husband and how much we had to go through to just get to the boat-airplane, bus transport, customs, all with maze-like corrals for waiting in line. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I remember thinking of all the time we were wasting in these uncomfortable settings. Then the thought occurred to me, "If we have this much time to waste, we have time." What I realized is that the process of getting there was transforming my sense of time. After a period of huffing and checking my watch, I had to submit to a different pace. Once I did this, I was really on vacation. If you have had the experience of traveling to another country, you know that getting there can try your patience. I think back to the experience of cruising the Caribbean with my husband and how much we had to go through to just get to the boat-airplane, bus transport, customs, all with maze-like corrals for waiting in line. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I remember thinking of all the time we were wasting in these uncomfortable settings. Then the thought occurred to me, "If we have this much time to waste, we have time." What I realized is that the process of getting there was transforming my sense of time. After a period of huffing and checking my watch, I had to submit to a different pace. Once I did this, I was really on vacation.

It can feel wonderful to indulge in time, to wander aimlessly, to sit blankly. I especially enjoy sitting with the warm sun on my face, knowing I could move, but deciding that would be too much trouble. Just letting time pa.s.s, just breathing the air. Letting time pa.s.s. How wonderful.

You don't need to be on vacation to have this experience. Just decide to let time pa.s.s. Allow yourself to s.h.i.+ft from feeling you have to race time to feeling you have time, all the time in the world. And you will.

"Time is short, but it is wide."

"How beautiful it is to do nothing and then rest afterwards."

-Spanish sayings

Chapter 8:.

The Right to Retreat It's cluttered. It's cramped. It's noisy. Buzzing, chattering, piles fill this world.I was raised in this place. I had a hard time following the rules. I got tired of buzzing.One day, when I was carrying my daily load of clutter, I heard a voice from beyond. Now with piles so high, I'd never heard the beyond. But Beyond called, "I am sky. I am wide." I said, "Shh, you can't say wide. You'll get arrested." Sky replied, "I can't be held." I said, "Can you hold me?" Sky replied, "I have plenty of room," and her gusting winds took me up and away.I landed in a meadow. I heard, for the first time-nothing. I danced and did somersaults, lay down in a bed of gra.s.s, felt the breeze.And for the first time, I heard my heart, and I knew who I was.-Laurie Helgoe In the longer version of this monologue, Clutteria, Clutteria, I describe a cartoon world committed to constant buzzing. The laws of Clutteria prohibit listening, televisions are on at all times, and conversation compet.i.tions are held regularly. All citizens must contribute to the clutter piles, which shut out any awareness of worlds beyond. Citations are written for anyone attempting to organize the piles. And escaping is extremely difficult. I describe a cartoon world committed to constant buzzing. The laws of Clutteria prohibit listening, televisions are on at all times, and conversation compet.i.tions are held regularly. All citizens must contribute to the clutter piles, which shut out any awareness of worlds beyond. Citations are written for anyone attempting to organize the piles. And escaping is extremely difficult.

Escaping is also extremely pleasurable. I was well into my thirties, and well into my therapy, before I allowed myself to indulge a long-held fantasy of taking a retreat-all by myself. To a married and working mother of two small boys, my increasingly frequent and subversive fantasy of leaving everything troubled me. These were people I loved, loved, people who people who needed me. needed me. So when I realized that I could leave everyone and still So when I realized that I could leave everyone and still have have them, I was giddy. them, I was giddy.

I carefully researched the setting for my retreat, calling a number of B&Bs within driving distance but beyond beyond my familiar turf. I located one in the woods of Wisconsin, near the tiny artist village of Stockholm. The B&B owners made a policy of keeping themselves scarce, except for the brief time when they serve your made-to-order breakfast at the time you specify and in the location you specify. This was my place! my familiar turf. I located one in the woods of Wisconsin, near the tiny artist village of Stockholm. The B&B owners made a policy of keeping themselves scarce, except for the brief time when they serve your made-to-order breakfast at the time you specify and in the location you specify. This was my place!

My experience there was magical. I went through the requisite dip in mood initially, feeling the emptiness of leaving Clutteria. I settled into my small suite with its spring-cleaned freshness: four-poster bed, white linens, windows looking out to the tiny road and surrounding woods, and big, generous towels and candles waiting by a whirlpool tub. I was happy to have a little desk for my books and journal.

The house was quiet, so I could freely snoop in the sitting room and kitchen.

What to do? I could go into town-I did need something to eat. I could sprawl out on the bed and read or write. I could go for a walk outside. I felt a brief panic, a reverberation of my entrainment to pressured rhythms: "Decide. Make the Make the right right choice. You've been waiting for this-it had better be good." choice. You've been waiting for this-it had better be good."

The panic washed over. I entered boredom. I slowly started to hear the silence and feel the s.p.a.ce. I became a captive audience to my quiet inner voice-that soothing NPR voice that gently notes the profound simplicities of life. I wrote. I lounged. I went into town and savored dinner and dessert alone. I sat by the fire pit that night, tended by the resident singer-songwriter and housekeeper. I saw stars like I had never seen, and ever so often, one would drop from the sky. I had a quiet conversation with the young woman, with much s.p.a.ce in between. The next day, I walked a trail through the woods to a place they called "the point"-a huge rock jutting out over a vast glen, a pristine lake in the distance. This room with a view was mine, and I settled there, shedding my backpack and s.h.i.+rt, pulling out my journal and pen, and reclining on the warm rock in the sun.

After lingering there for a timeless time, I packed up and started walking back. As I reentered the woods, I spontaneously broke into a run, feeling a lightness and energy I had never experienced. I bounded into a broad meadow and gleefully reclined in the cool, tall gra.s.s, creating another room. I thought of my mother, who had died two years before. I remembered her hanging clothes on the line, and the wonderful feeling of a damp sheet kissing my cheek. A poem spilled out of me into my journal. During my next trip into town, I found a lovely handmade book for my poems. I told the woman helping me about my memory and, upon her request, I read the poem to her. Tears streamed down my face. I hadn't grieved this until now.

WHAT IS A RETREAT?.

As the term implies, a retreat is a backing away, a withdrawal, an experience in the realm of yin, yin, an act of introversion. A retreat can be a ten-minute break or an extended escape-such as Paul Gauguin's two-year artistic sabbatical in Tahiti-but we usually think of a retreat as a weekend or vacation-length trip "away from it all." For an introvert, retreating is the ultimate indulgence: an inner life binge that fills our depleted energy stores. Retreats, whether contemplative or adventure-oriented, provide a sanctioned and temporary way for us to step away from our worldly pursuits. This stepping away provides a perspective that we cannot obtain while in the midst of things. This is particularly important when we live in an extroverted culture that, like Clutteria, pressures us to keep buzzing and to stay unconscious. Retreats can also help us draw from a greater source of sustenance, whether we see that source as nature, a higher power or the inner self, or all of the above. an act of introversion. A retreat can be a ten-minute break or an extended escape-such as Paul Gauguin's two-year artistic sabbatical in Tahiti-but we usually think of a retreat as a weekend or vacation-length trip "away from it all." For an introvert, retreating is the ultimate indulgence: an inner life binge that fills our depleted energy stores. Retreats, whether contemplative or adventure-oriented, provide a sanctioned and temporary way for us to step away from our worldly pursuits. This stepping away provides a perspective that we cannot obtain while in the midst of things. This is particularly important when we live in an extroverted culture that, like Clutteria, pressures us to keep buzzing and to stay unconscious. Retreats can also help us draw from a greater source of sustenance, whether we see that source as nature, a higher power or the inner self, or all of the above.

HOW DO I KNOWWHEN TO GO?.