Love, Lust And Faking It Part 2

As I lay there running my hands over his hairy man b.o.o.bs, the smell of mold was starting to asphyxiate me. I just kept thinking, How does this guy not have brain damage from all this mold? He asked me to spend the night, and I said okay-but I lay there on the floor of his bas.e.m.e.nt trying to breathe into a Kleenex, hoping it would block black mold spores from entering my lungs. Needless to say, I didn't sleep much that night-mostly because of the racc.o.o.n family that lived in the wall next to the bed. I bet their place wasn't as bad as this. But I also lay in this s.h.i.+thole trying to convince myself that this guy was the one. Seriously, this is right after I did Singled Out. Singled Out. I'm still young, cute, and have a little career. What the h.e.l.l was wrong with me to think that this was what I deserved? I would rather live in a s.h.i.+tty bas.e.m.e.nt with this Teletubby than ever give myself a chance at real love. The next morning I surprised him by telling him I was going to treat him to a romantic night at the Four Seasons in mold-free luxury. He seemed excited. I'm still young, cute, and have a little career. What the h.e.l.l was wrong with me to think that this was what I deserved? I would rather live in a s.h.i.+tty bas.e.m.e.nt with this Teletubby than ever give myself a chance at real love. The next morning I surprised him by telling him I was going to treat him to a romantic night at the Four Seasons in mold-free luxury. He seemed excited.

So that night in the Four Seasons we had s.e.x, which felt more like a Pap smear, and then fell asleep watching some stupid movie. The morning after, I thought I would surprise him with a beautiful breakfast hiding in the other room. He woke up and entered the living room to find me smiling next to a table of food. "Good morning!" I said. He looked at the food, picked up a bagel, and said, "What the f*ck is this?" I was speechless. Did he just say, "What the f*ck is this?" Yeah, I'm pretty sure he did. I thought maybe he was joking around with me, so I responded, "It's my bunion I just cut off my foot." He said, "I don't eat f*cking bagels," and threw the bagel down on the table.

Yes, that's right. The Teletubby just yelled at me and threw the bagel on the table after a night of s.e.x in luxury. I could understand if it was bacon and he worked for PETA or something, but it was a freakin' bagel. Again, I sat there in shock and felt a huge wave of anger rush through my body. I stood up, walked slowly over to the door, opened it, and calmly said, "Get the h.e.l.l out of here." He grabbed his shoes and walked out the door. That was the last time I ever saw Teletubby.

Now, let's dive into the psychology of this, okay? I convinced myself that a chubby, hairy guy with no p.e.n.i.s would make a really good boyfriend because he would never cheat on me and would wors.h.i.+p the ground I walked on. If you think that is soooooo crazy and shallow, stop and look at the hot chicks in Hollywood who date the ugliest rockers. I mean, some of them make me want to vomit. I was no better! I was willing to sacrifice ever finding someone attractive, productive, sweet, with a nice p.e.n.i.s and a home, just so the odds would be better that he wouldn't cheat on me or leave me. How pathetic. I sat alone in that hotel room forcing myself to ask these questions about myself. Am I that insecure? Why did I think I deserved a homeless Teletubby? I'm not saying all chubby, hairy men that sleep on concrete are losers; I'm just saying, Aim higher. The answers I found were that my ego felt safe with him, and I also felt more powerful in that relations.h.i.+p because I was the one with an actual mattress. His ego probably couldn't handle the fact that I had running water. I wasn't trying to flash money, but I was thinking that maybe he would love me more because I could treat him to nice things. I felt like I had nothing to offer personally because I felt worthless and unlovable. Amazing, but true.

I don't know why we all have to go through the "I'm worthless, I'm not worthy" stage in our lives. I think some never wake up to it. They stay in abusive relations.h.i.+ps. I've met so many amazing women in my life who have shocked me when they introduce their boyfriends, who are total losers. I want to shake them and tell them how much better they deserve, but I guess we all have to find our own way to that secure enough place of "I'm lovable, I'm worthwhile, and I deserve heaven." I obviously managed to get past homeless guys, but now I'm requesting heaven in every relations.h.i.+p I have. There is nothing more important to me right now than making sure the friends I make and the men I make out with are a reflection of my new happy self.

[11].

Couples Counseling.

Therapy rocks. Seriously! I think if couples therapy were a requirement, the divorce rate wouldn't be nearly as messed up as it is now. I sat down with my own therapist, Elizabeth Halliday-Bluestone, to interview her on ways to help make relations.h.i.+ps work. (Because based on my current status, I'm clearly in no position to tell you how to make your relations.h.i.+p work. Elizabeth is much more qualified.) JENNY: You had told me once that when people first come in for couples counseling, many times it is too late. Why is that?

ELIZABETH: Based on my observation, most couples seem to seek help when their relations.h.i.+p is at its worst. Whether it includes issues that range from emotional or physical abuse that could include extramarital affairs, or a myriad of other problems, the damage is already so profound that Dr. Freud himself would have a tough time seeing them through to a satisfactory resolution.

JENNY: So when should couples start counseling?

ELIZABETH: Couples who are smart come in when they recognize that there are issues in their relations.h.i.+ps that are already causing difficulties between them. If they can recognize that there are problems early on, the anger and resentment that has been building up between them is much easier for the therapist to work with. In my experience the couples that do want to get their relations.h.i.+p back on track before toxicity can really set in have a much better chance of working through their problems while in therapy. For example, a wife would be able to say honestly to her husband, "You know, working so late at night is something that really bothers me, and I have an issue with it. I need to talk to you about it because it is upsetting to me." At this point the resentment and anger can be dealt with in a much more productive manner.

This is because their individual feelings about each other have not yet created a situation where their issue cannot be discussed in an effective and positive way. The resentment and anger is much less.

JENNY: Do you notice couples coming in that don't want to try and work on anything and just want you to help them to break them up?

ELIZABETH: Yes. In my practice I have found that many couples come in and have no desire to even try to work on the presenting issues. Many times they simply would like to figure out how to get out of their relations.h.i.+p gracefully, especially if there are children involved. They would rather let a neutral party negotiate the separation.

JENNY: Do you think they also come to you to figure out the actual reasons why they're breaking up, so they have an understanding of why this is ending?

ELIZABETH: Absolutely, many couples have a need to know why their relations.h.i.+p has crumbled. However, they are also looking for validation that the end of their relations.h.i.+p was their partner's fault and not entirely theirs.

JENNY: What is one of the hardest issues for couples to get through?

ELIZABETH: Without a doubt, infidelity is the hardest issue for couples to resolve. It is very difficult for the one partner to trust someone after his or her significant other has had an affair. However, when some of my patients have only had an affair that lasted a very short time, their odds in making their relations.h.i.+p work increases significantly. It's still incredibly difficult emotionally, but not as hard as an affair that has been going on for an extended period of time.

JENNY: Why is it that each person's perception of the same situation is so completely different? Are men really from Mars?

ELIZABETH: Yes. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. This is because men, honestly, communicate in a totally different fas.h.i.+on than females.

JENNY: How do they, if you can explain it?

ELIZABETH: I believe that females are intuitive, emotive, and more sensitive to their world and universe. We are by nature predisposed to being caretakers; it is in our female DNA to be more nurturing and caring when faced with different challenges. If we look back to the time of cavemen, we find that the men's main responsibility was to provide the food and clothing for their tribes. Their task was to hunt and club down bison to use their hides for warmth during the winter months. In contrast the women stayed close to their caves and taught their children the basics of language and social skills. As primitive as that may have been, their roles were starting to be clearly defined. Clearly things have come a long way since the time of cavemen, and we all know that men are taking on more and more responsibility in the home and emotional caretaking of their children. I think men have really stepped up to the plate beautifully, but today, the majority of the caretaking is still done by women. And we, as women, want to talk to our partners. At the end of the day we want to talk about our day's activities and how we are feeling. Men do not always want to partic.i.p.ate in this kind of conversation. We tend to be the talkers! Feeling that we have not gotten our emotional needs met, we start to feel angry and resentful. We have a need to say, "I want to go to this deeper level, and I want to have you share these conversations with me, and I want to know how you are feeling also." This is not most men's natural inclination. You can almost hear them saying, "Boy do I want to watch the basketball game!" Men's thinking tends to be much more linear and black and white. While most men are willing to address issues that arise in daily life, they usually become very uncomfortable with women's need to explore every facet of their emotional decisions. For example, we would like to know what you are feeling, what you are thinking about, and how we fit into that. Many men don't even think about it. In fact they are surprised when their women say they are not getting what they need emotionally. Sometimes they've never even thought about it. They just think differently. So my job as a therapist is to get the two planets, Mars and Venus, to communicate with one another.

JENNY: Well, then teach us how!

ELIZABETH: Okay. One of the most important aspects is to build up a toolbox of communication skills that includes learning how to speak to one another, learning how to listen, and, most significantly, to be compa.s.sionate and understanding of your partner's feelings even if you do not agree with them. Without these tools, what occurs in the relations.h.i.+p is interpreted by the other as anger, criticism, resentment, and hurt. That's a recipe for disaster. First and foremost, the couple will never be able to listen to each other because the attacks are so aggressive. I would say no one would want to stay and listen to that. They are not going to hear a thing, and they're not going to respond in any way, shape, or form except, "Go to h.e.l.l! I'm out of here!" As opposed to talking through the issue in a way that both partners can hear-what I call the "honey before the vinegar" technique. I call the "honey before the vinegar" technique.

JENNY: I love love "the honey before the vinegar." Please explain it to the ladies. "the honey before the vinegar." Please explain it to the ladies.

ELIZABETH: The key to success with this technique is to be able to start your sentences with "I" statements rather than "You" statements. For example, "You "You always do everything wrong-this is always do everything wrong-this is your your fault." Let's just say a woman would like to go out with her friends on a Wednesday night for dinner and a movie. If her partner becomes angry and unreasonable about her activities when she goes out, a productive way to express herself might go like this: "When I go out on Wednesday night with my friends, it makes me feel happy and connected to another type of world. It is not that I don't want to be with you tonight. I love you. It's just that I would like a little break from our daily routine now and then. So I would really like to understand why it makes you upset, because that is not my intention." fault." Let's just say a woman would like to go out with her friends on a Wednesday night for dinner and a movie. If her partner becomes angry and unreasonable about her activities when she goes out, a productive way to express herself might go like this: "When I go out on Wednesday night with my friends, it makes me feel happy and connected to another type of world. It is not that I don't want to be with you tonight. I love you. It's just that I would like a little break from our daily routine now and then. So I would really like to understand why it makes you upset, because that is not my intention."

Now that is honey and vinegar, because you are telling your partner the truth in a calm and loving way without saying something as dysfunctional as "You're a controlling jerk that never lets me do anything!" That is simply stirring the vinegar.

JENNY: Can you say, "I felt angry about it...?"

ELIZABETH: You know what, I don't believe in anger, Jenny. I just don't. I've told you that underneath anger is always a feeling of abandonment, hurt, and powerlessness. Anger is in my opinion a defense mechanism that keeps us from dealing with our real feelings. It's always hurt that's underneath anger. Anger and denial are as vulnerable as a small scab that one could sc.r.a.pe off only to find numerous untreated emotional infections. I like to stay away from the A-word. I don't believe in it.

JENNY: So "I'm hurt" is a better way of saying it?

ELIZABETH: Yes, that's the truth. If my husband came home and was angry with me, I would want to know why and talk about it. Years ago I probably would have shut down completely and given him the silent treatment for a few days. I would like to think I've grown a bit in my twenty-five years of marriage and that I practice what I preach. I am also incredibly lucky to have a husband who is not an intrinsically angry person. But there are many occasions where we are emotionally in very different places, and I do get frustrated. So then I pull out my toolbox.

JENNY: I shut down. I totally shut down. I sometimes shut down for three years after one anger burst from a partner.

ELIZABETH: Yes, I'm your therapist. (Laughs.) I know!

JENNY: What are the stats today for divorce?

ELIZABETH: Today, one out of two marriages in America wind up in divorce.

JENNY: What?!! That's not good. Why is it so bad?

ELIZABETH: It really is quite a disturbing statistic!!! Now, let's combine that with all the unresolved issues that people have not dealt with from their past childhoods, and you have the perfect recipe for disaster!!!!! There are two sets of baggage people have to deal with. One from their pain of childhood that they have never quite come to terms with, and another set of baggage whose tag reads "Adult." They are one and the same! And of course I use that word loosely. The couples with the best chance to have a successful outcome in therapy are the ones who recognize there are problems early on in the relations.h.i.+p. They come to see how their childhood defenses can create all the fighting and dysfunction, and then then they start to build their toolboxes based on their new knowledge of themselves. they start to build their toolboxes based on their new knowledge of themselves.

JENNY: Okay, give us another tool.

ELIZABETH: The time-out tool.

JENNY: I love love the time-out tool. the time-out tool.

ELIZABETH: I know you do!

JENNY: Just to fill people in, my ex-husband John would follow me around the house arguing with me, and instead of ever coming to a resolution, he would just go back to the beginning of the problem and repeat it all over again. It was like he was on a hamster wheel. That's what I used to call it when he would take me all the way back to the beginning of the problem after I thought we had resolved it. So I would run from room to room telling him to shut up because we were getting nowhere.

ELIZABETH: Yes, so when you came in, I told you that either party gets to call a time-out when you feel like both of you are getting too heated and the situation is not getting resolved. The length of the time-out can be decided by the couple. Those can vary from couple to couple. But the most important aspect of this tool is to revisit the same issue after having thought it through in a quieter atmosphere. I also suggest that to go past one half hour is too long. The goal in this technique is for cooler and calmer heads to prevail while thinking about a more positive resolution to the problem.

JENNY: Mine was ten minutes. And it absolutely saved my life. I had moments of peace throughout the day when I got to call the time-out.

ELIZABETH: Yes, but I want to emphasize that you are both both in time-outs. Not just one of you. Couples need to know it's a two-way street, and during that time you're not supposed to zone out. You are working alone on how to resolve the situation. Then after ten minutes or however long you choose, you come back together and hopefully utilize the honey and vinegar technique. One of the best lines I can give to a couple to start off with after an unsuccessful time-out is always "I am still confused." Hopefully their toolbox is full enough to get through the existing problem. in time-outs. Not just one of you. Couples need to know it's a two-way street, and during that time you're not supposed to zone out. You are working alone on how to resolve the situation. Then after ten minutes or however long you choose, you come back together and hopefully utilize the honey and vinegar technique. One of the best lines I can give to a couple to start off with after an unsuccessful time-out is always "I am still confused." Hopefully their toolbox is full enough to get through the existing problem.

JENNY: That is a good one! It takes the power or charge out of the fight.

ELIZABETH: Absolutely. It's not an attacking phrase like "I'm angry at you. I hate you. What you are saying is stupid and ridiculous." So by saying, "I'm confused," you have changed the dance step. When two people are doing the same dance of dysfunction, like a tango, nothing changes. If the other person has gone to therapy on his or her own and has come to much self-realization, the dance step will change. This person may have learned a new dance step like the waltz. So what does that other partner have to do? He or she will need to figure out how to do the new dance, and may in fact stumble for a while. Whoever is the one doing the right functional dance will use their communication tools to help their partner learn how to partic.i.p.ate together as a team. Always of course using the honey and vinegar technique.

JENNY: So now we've got what sounds like two good tools. "I versus You," and then we've got the time-outs. What about compromising?

ELIZABETH: Compromising is incredibly important, and a huge tool for the toolbox. There has to be compromise, or there is no relations.h.i.+p. It has to be an accepted compromise on both sides. If you are not willing to compromise, you are going to go straight to divorce court. I promise. Compromise is key to any relations.h.i.+p.

JENNY: So you don't necessarily defend something that you feel is not a big deal? Like if my future guy wanted me to text on my phone less often.

ELIZABETH: That's fine as long as he compromises in return. It must be a two-way street-otherwise you just feel controlled and manipulated.

JENNY: Wow, that's a really good point. So if I compromise to text less, I could tell him in return I want more cuddle time after work?

ELIZABETH: Absolutely. And by the way, if you are with a guy where you you have to compromise your need for cuddling, in my opinion you're with the wrong guy! have to compromise your need for cuddling, in my opinion you're with the wrong guy!

JENNY: Which brings me to my last question: "Can I bring my next boyfriend to you before I get serious with him?"

ELIZABETH: If you don't I'm gonna crack your ... head open.

JENNY: I'm serious.

ELIZABETH: So am I!

[12].

The Power of a Loving No.

My entire life, I have been doing things I don't want to do for the sake of helping others and winning their approval. I endured years of grooming by nuns to pretend that I cared what people were talking about; to act as if I enjoyed people I couldn't stand; and to do things for people when they asked me to, even though I didn't want to. This kind of conditioning has caused me so much misery. Some might read this and say, "Of course you should do those things, you selfish brat. Those are all acts of kindness." But are they? Do acts of kindness require one person to be miserable to make another person happy? It just doesn't seem right. I had to learn my lesson the hard way and have only become awakened to this at the age of thirty-seven. I'm hoping this chapter can teach you the power of a loving no, so that you too can save years of discomfort. So now I would invite you to open your mind and think back to all those times you did favors for people, had s.e.x when you didn't feel like it, and stayed friends with someone way past the friends.h.i.+p's expiration date-and learn the importance of making yourself happy.

As far back as kindergarten my teacher told the cla.s.s, "Saying yes to people when they ask for a favor will help you make a lot of friends," in her chipper brainwas.h.i.+ng voice. So, with that in mind, I was the girl that did whatever anyone told me to do.

"Jenny, go smash that bug and then put it in a sandwich." Okay. "Jenny, can you do my homework for me?" Okay. "Jenny, listen to the priest and smile when he tells you the story of Jesus for the next five hours." Okay. "Jenny, go steal a fifth of Bacardi from the store." Okay. "Jenny, can you work on Christmas Day for the fifth year in a row?" Okay. "Jenny, will you give up all your friends because I'm your boyfriend and you don't need them anymore?" Okay. "Jenny, can I borrow two thousand dollars?" Okay. "Jenny, can you skip your sister's party tomorrow and help me move my furniture into a new apartment?" Okay.

Relations.h.i.+ps between husbands and wives can sound a lot like this. The husband is usually asking the questions: "Can we please have s.e.x even though you don't want to?" Okay. "Can we watch hockey instead of the season finale of Dancing with the Stars?" Dancing with the Stars?" Okay. "Can you let my parents come on vacation with us?" Okay. "Can I go out with my buddies this weekend even though you've been locked up in the house with the kids all week?" Okay. "Can we spend the money on a flat-screen TV instead of your new b.o.o.bs?" Okay. Okay. "Can you let my parents come on vacation with us?" Okay. "Can I go out with my buddies this weekend even though you've been locked up in the house with the kids all week?" Okay. "Can we spend the money on a flat-screen TV instead of your new b.o.o.bs?" Okay.

I know there are some tough women out there who will be reading that last bit thinking, "No way, I would kick his a.s.s. Over my dead body would I ever let him get away with that." Well, then I would say to read that last paragraph again with you being the one asking the questions, and your husband always saying "Okay." Maybe he's miserable, and you don't even know it. The thing that I want to make clear is that I'm not saying you can't agree to compromise and truly help someone out when they need it. What I'm saying is that you have to truly want want to do it. Only if you to do it. Only if you want want to do it, you say yes. If you don't want to do something, the response is a loving no. I have found that people can connect to the honesty and not hold hostility when it's an honest no. to do it, you say yes. If you don't want to do something, the response is a loving no. I have found that people can connect to the honesty and not hold hostility when it's an honest no.

Usually, most people who are able to do this were raised within a family that encouraged them to speak their mind. My best friend in Chicago was raised in a family that taught her to speak up about everything, and have debates at every dinner because their parents read that's what the Kennedys did. If my friend's dad caught her saying yes to something she didn't want to do, he would shout, "I know you don't want to do that, tell the person no. Stand up for yourself." So my BFF Julie went on to grow up into a telling-you-what-she-thinks-all-the-time kinda girl. I became friends with her twenty years ago and was drawn to this quality I never had. She was the one that would tell guys to "leave Jenny alone" because I couldn't tell the guy no. She would pick up the phone and make me call my boyfriend on spring break and tell him the truth about being at a party and not a movie. I was raised to lie to protect people's feelings, and to be submissive and surrender my opinion so other people felt good about themselves. Doing otherwise is still something I have a hard time with, but every day I practice to get better at it.

But back to Julie. Even though she carried the ability to say no so easily, she lost many jobs as a result of speaking her mind. Julie had to learn something called an "open mind" that her father didn't teach her when debating at the kitchen table. She was taught that you find an opinion, you stick to it, and you fight for it. Her relations.h.i.+ps were suffering because she was as unbalanced as me, but in the other direction. She's in couples therapy right now, learning that when you win an argument, it doesn't always mean you were right.

Julie pointed out something about me the other day that made me go "Hmmmmm." She said, "I think because you have been so submissive your whole life, I don't think you know who the h.e.l.l you are." I was stunned for a second, but realized that Julie was just telling it like it is. She was right. I have been so much the "okay" and "yes" girl that I have a hard time giving my opinions on things. I always learned to go with whatever the majority says. I would even borrow opinions from friends and boyfriends about who I should like best on American Idol. American Idol.

My most recent experiment with an honest no happened only this past spring. I went to my friend Chelsea's book party and while I was there, I saw Cloris Leachman waving me over. I walked over to her table, and she shouted, "I just wanted to meet you." I responded with, "Thanks, it's really nice to meet you, too." She said, "I need to have your phone number." I stood there for a long uncomfortable twenty seconds and responded with a sweet smile and the word "No." Normally I would have said, "Okay," as usual, but why the heck would I give her my number? I don't know her, and it was awkward. She responded with, "Well, I just want it." For most of you who watched her on Dancing with the Stars, Dancing with the Stars, I think you will agree that she was a real hoot on that show ... but not someone you want calling you at night to shoot the s.h.i.+t. I had to muster up the strength to say kindly, "Well, I don't like giving my number out, but it was really nice meeting you," and then I walked away. I was so proud of myself for being able to give a loving no, and Cloris seemed fine with my final answer. (She very well could have flipped me the bird behind my back, of course, but what you don't know can't hurt you.) I think you will agree that she was a real hoot on that show ... but not someone you want calling you at night to shoot the s.h.i.+t. I had to muster up the strength to say kindly, "Well, I don't like giving my number out, but it was really nice meeting you," and then I walked away. I was so proud of myself for being able to give a loving no, and Cloris seemed fine with my final answer. (She very well could have flipped me the bird behind my back, of course, but what you don't know can't hurt you.) Anyway, for all you "yes, okay, sure, I don't mind," people out there, I hope this chapter will give you a little insight to just try an honest no. See how it feels. It might do your relations.h.i.+ps-and your health-a lot of good.

[13].

Breaking Up: How Do You Know When It's Over?

It's impossible to write this chapter without correlating it to my last relations.h.i.+p. So I plan on interviewing people on why they broke up and how they knew it was over. Sorry, I won't kiss and tell about my last relations.h.i.+p, but my friends will spill the beans on theirs...

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My friend Kim had been married to a man for six years. She had a child with him and for the most part was head-over-heels at the beginning of the relations.h.i.+p. Then the phone calls began, with her b.i.t.c.hing and moaning about how annoying he was. I decided to sit down with her to ask how she knew it was over.

JENNY: b.i.t.c.h, what happened to your marriage?KIM: (Laughs.) (Laughs.) Looking back at my relations.h.i.+p, I have to say that I stayed in the relations.h.i.+p two years too long. Looking back at my relations.h.i.+p, I have to say that I stayed in the relations.h.i.+p two years too long.JENNY: Did you try counseling?KIM: Yes, but there was so much resentment toward each other that the odds were not good. The damage was too deep. We tried to see each other's perspective, but it got to the point where we were just not able to move past our grievances.JENNY: You said that you stayed in the relations.h.i.+p two years too long. What was happening two years ago that started to give you signals that the relations.h.i.+p was on its way out?KIM: Um ... well... I couldn't stand the way he chewed his food, and when he would touch me, my skin would crawl. We never kissed anymore, not that I wanted to-he was lazy and would not help me with the baby, which made me hate him even more.JENNY: If this were going on for the last two years, why would you stay in it?KIM: Fear of being on my own. I have a kid and was a stay-at-home mom. We barely made ends meet together, and the idea of splitting up half of nothing terrified me.JENNY: So ... then obviously something must have happened where your happiness became more important than your bank account.KIM: You know, I started reading books that opened my mind into thinking that things might actually be okay if I chose happiness. All those "everything happens for a reason" and "everything happens for the best reason possible" books made me take a chance.JENNY: So when you told Mike you wanted a divorce, what happened?KIM: He lost his s.h.i.+t and threatened to get custody of the child. I laughed at him because he doesn't even know our pediatrician's name or the brand of chicken nuggets our child likes. I told him we could share custody, but I'm out and that's it.JENNY: So did he leave or you leave?KIM: He left and I stayed in the house until we sold it and split the money. Then I asked my mom to move out from Iowa and help me with my kid so I could get a job. I started teaching yoga again, which I love to do more than anything in the world, and recently I just got an offer to open up my own studio.JENNY: Do you look back now and think, "Holy s.h.i.+t, I did it"?KIM: Yes, and I don't want to act like it was all peaches and cream after the split. It was hard, and I felt very alone at times, but I trusted that good things were ahead and kept my thoughts there.JENNY: Watching you go through this was tough. The majority of women I asked who were still in miserable marriages wouldn't leave out of fear of money and their kids. You're a really good example of trusting your instincts and having faith in a better outcome. I love ya, b.i.t.c.h.KIM: Well, if you really love me you'll do a yoga DVD with me someday.JENNY: I'd rather do a beer-chugging DVD. I'm much better at it.

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To be fair, I hunted a guy down to get his perspective on how he knew his relations.h.i.+p was over. His name is Kevin (no, it's not, but I have to use a fake name). Kevin wasn't married, but he'd been in a relations.h.i.+p for seven years and recently called it quits. He is a friend of a friend of a friend, so his story was new to me, too.

JENNY: I hate that you're hot.KEVIN: Why?JENNY: Because I'm gonna want to make out with you.Kevin looked at me strangely, not getting my humor.JENNY: I'm kidding. (I kinda wasn't.) So, tell me what happened in your relations.h.i.+p and how you decided it was over.KEVIN: It wasn't fun anymore. It was as simple as that. I realized you can come up with a zillion reasons why things went bad, but the easiest thing to realize is that if you're not having fun in life, change your life.JENNY: So ... did you dump her?KEVIN: We both knew it was over. The fights became so bad. She was moody and wouldn't let me do what I wanted to do.(Wow, I was totally digging this guy's point of view. So guy-ish.)JENNY: Out of curiosity, what didn't she let you do?KEVIN: She would b.i.t.c.h at me when I wanted to hang with my friends, but after working all week I needed some guy time. Then she started getting careless about s.e.x and whined more than talked.JENNY: What made you stay in it for seven years?KEVIN: Well, it really only got bad in the last four years.JENNY: What made you stay in a s.h.i.+tty relations.h.i.+p for four more years?KEVIN: I kept thinking it might change. And so many people b.i.t.c.hed about their relations.h.i.+ps, so I thought it was normal.JENNY: Then what made you say, No more?KEVIN: I wanted to feel happy again, and together we were miserable. I also thought about my life and that I'm thirty-seven, and never pictured myself to be as miserable as I was. I think all you have to do is ask yourself that question, "Am I happy?"JENNY: Again, just out of curiosity, not trying to probe [yes, I am] ... do you blame her for your unhappiness?KEVIN: Um... Well, I know I was a p.r.i.c.k sometimes, too. But she did most of the complaining.JENNY: But I bet you were really great at ignoring.KEVIN: How did you know that?JENNY: (Laughs.) (Laughs.) Well, if one person does all the complaining, the other one usually has to do the ignoring. Well, if one person does all the complaining, the other one usually has to do the ignoring.KEVIN: Yeah, I guess you're right.JENNY: So what lesson did you learn out of this?KEVIN: Don't stay in something so long if you're miserable.JENNY: As I'm sure you know, I am no longer in a relations.h.i.+p. In ending it, I learned that if I blame any partner for my unhappiness in the relations.h.i.+p, I lose the lesson from it. Do you feel you could look inward and see that everything had to do with you?KEVIN: Um, no.JENNY: Okay, well then, let me bring up when you said, "She got careless about s.e.x." That's true?KEVIN: Yep.JENNY: Can you put an "I" in place of the "she" and repeat it back to me?KEVIN: I... got careless about s.e.x?JENNY: Yep. Name three reasons why that's true.KEVIN: (Sitting there, dumbfounded.) (Sitting there, dumbfounded.) Um ... I wouldn't go down on her anymore cuz she annoyed me. Um ... I wouldn't go down on her anymore cuz she annoyed me.JENNY: That sounds careless to me. Two more ...KEVIN: She would only get h.o.r.n.y when she ovulated, and I wouldn't have s.e.x with her to p.i.s.s her off and to make her see what it felt like when I wanted s.e.x and she said no.JENNY: That sounds pretty careless to me. One more ...KEVIN: Why are you doing this to me?JENNY: Sorry, it's just the tools I used from Byron Katie at www.thework.com, and I think it will be helpful for the book. You're doing well. Just one more. You can do it.KEVIN: Um ... [Thinking now while two minutes pa.s.s.] [Thinking now while two minutes pa.s.s.] I don't know if I want the next one in the book. I don't know if I want the next one in the book.JENNY: Well, then, I won't put it in the book. [Hahaha.] [Hahaha.]KEVIN: I would hold off coming just to make her work extra hard.JENNY: Great job! [a.s.shole.] Now you can see that you were calling her what you found in yourself. So go make a list of everything that's wrong with her and turn it around on yourself.KEVIN: That sucks.JENNY: It totally sucks, but it's totally true. It's amazing how much resentment and anger leaves once you do it, though.

I said good-bye to "Kevin," and I'm sure he thought I was an a.s.shole, but what I was saying is true. If I looked to blame my partner, I lost all the wonderful lessons my teachers (ex-boyfriends) reflected back to me. I think the message we can all take away from this is that the universe will only move you toward the direction of happiness if you listen to your emotions. And trust that everything that happens is for the best reason possible, even if it is saying good-bye to someone you deeply loved.

Part Two

l.u.s.t ...

[14].

Fantasies: Our Secret Life.

Have you ever planned a vacation or a big girls' night out, and months before you had visions of how much fun it was going to be? You saw you and your friends dancing on the dance floor, shoving cheeseburgers in your face at four in the morning, and then puking everything up the next day. Then days before your big trip, you call your friends, saying, "It's gonna rock!" because in your head it was already the best time ever! Then cut to the actual trip ... and the hotel is under construction, you can't get into any clubs, and your friend is on antibiotics so you have no one to drink with. The obvious point being, your fantasies are pretty much always always better than the actual event. better than the actual event.

Getting older, I've had to learn this lesson the hard way. Sometimes fantasies are better off staying fantasies. As soon as we try to play something out in real life, our expectations of them are so high because we are counting on the end result to match the fantasy to perfection. s.e.xual fantasies are usually the biggest disappointments to play out. Why is that? I think it's because they are so incredibly erotic in our imagination. There are no consequences, no guilt, no insecurities, when you're imagining having s.e.x with other people in your head. I'm sure we all have fantasized about having s.e.x with one of our husband's/boyfriend's friends, and it totally got us off. But then having to actually go through with it would result in devastating consequences.

But why the need for fantasies? Aren't our partners enough? Can't we look at them and picture having s.e.x with only only them for the REST OF OUR LIVES? Ummm. I don't think so. them for the REST OF OUR LIVES? Ummm. I don't think so.

In my "expert" opinion, fantasies help increase arousal and desire for more s.e.x. My favorite foreplay is not having my b.o.o.bs squeezed or even oral s.e.x. It's dirty fantasy talk. That's how I can get in the mood. Then Then you're welcome to squeeze my b.o.o.b or go down on me. I think a lot of that has to do with women today being so busy: our minds are usually stuck on what groceries we need rather than s.e.x. We need mental stimulation to divert us. you're welcome to squeeze my b.o.o.b or go down on me. I think a lot of that has to do with women today being so busy: our minds are usually stuck on what groceries we need rather than s.e.x. We need mental stimulation to divert us.

So is fantasizing actually a bad thing? Does it hurt the relations.h.i.+p? Some Web sites claim the reason people fantasize is that they are secretly unhappy in the relations.h.i.+p, or their spouse is not giving them what they need. I don't know what eunuch wrote that, but I think it's bull.

One fascinating aspect of fantasies is that they are so secretive. One of my favorite things to do is uncover things that people just don't talk about, and fantasies make the top of the list. Go ahead and ask someone what he or she fantasizes about. The look on their face goes from embarra.s.sment to changing the subject. We don't even feel comfortable talking about our fantasies with our best friends. Why is that?

I think we are fearful that our friends will think we are too perverse. I mean, I know I come up with some pretty crazy scenarios, so I'm sure most of you do, too. But if you're a schoolteacher, how do you tell your friend that you dream about the science teacher molesting you in the nurse's room at the school? You don't. You keep that in your secret dirty world. It's even hard for me to tell any man about some of the twisted scenarios that I conjure up in my head. Sometimes I think, Jeez, Jenny, get a grip.

I surveyed both girls and guys on my Twitter account (which is @JennyMcCarthy) about what their most common fantasies were. I was amazed to hear what all of you girls had to say ...

Doing Strangers This isn't really one of my favorites because, let's face it, it's more fun to imagine somebody we know cuz it's naughtier. Even in romance novels they don't say, "A stranger walked in and made mad pa.s.sionate love to me." It's usually something much more perverse like the woman's cousin she had been longing for her entire childhood. Don't get me wrong; there have been many "faceless men" in my fantasies. But it had more to do with the scenario, like being tied up, than it had to do with a stranger walking in and having s.e.x with me in the middle of the night. Strangers, just on their own, don't really ring my bell.

Rape Now here's where a stranger could actually be useful. I have no idea why women even fantasize about this, but many have. This is one fantasy, of course, you never want to have played out, but for some reason being forced to have s.e.x is on the top of the naughty-naughty list for girls. If your man ever tries to play it out, it can come across as cheesy. "I'm here to rape you now, okay?" Just doesn't seem like actual rapist talk. But if you want him to be a little more aggressive so your rape scenario works in your head, just tell him to throw you around the room and rip your clothes off. This is definitely a fantasy that you have have to be in the mood for, otherwise you might punch your partner in the face. And that's another fantasy altogether. to be in the mood for, otherwise you might punch your partner in the face. And that's another fantasy altogether.

Orgy The word orgy orgy entered the English language in 1589, but orgies have been going on long before there was a name for them. Orgies were actually "normal" back in the old days. I shouldn't use the word "normal," I should say, "more accepted in society." People would throw parties with alcohol, sacrifice an animal, and then they would all roll around in the bushes getting it on. The hippies brought "free love" back into society and made orgies a popular extracurricular activity again in the 1960s. The problem is, they also brought a rampant outbreak of STDs, not to mention out-of-control p.u.b.es and armpit hair. The only issue I have with the word entered the English language in 1589, but orgies have been going on long before there was a name for them. Orgies were actually "normal" back in the old days. I shouldn't use the word "normal," I should say, "more accepted in society." People would throw parties with alcohol, sacrifice an animal, and then they would all roll around in the bushes getting it on. The hippies brought "free love" back into society and made orgies a popular extracurricular activity again in the 1960s. The problem is, they also brought a rampant outbreak of STDs, not to mention out-of-control p.u.b.es and armpit hair. The only issue I have with the word orgy orgy is that it immediately makes me think of the nude camps from those is that it immediately makes me think of the nude camps from those Real s.e.x Real s.e.x episodes on HBO, the ones that show nudists with the ugliest, creepiest bodies you've ever seen. (Women who are seventy and have zucchini b.o.o.bs hanging down to their toes should never be in an orgy, or at least not one that's on TV.) Anyway, I think most people at one point have fantasized about rolling among a group of naked people. It's erotic to think of limbs surrounding you, not knowing who you are kissing or who's kissing you. episodes on HBO, the ones that show nudists with the ugliest, creepiest bodies you've ever seen. (Women who are seventy and have zucchini b.o.o.bs hanging down to their toes should never be in an orgy, or at least not one that's on TV.) Anyway, I think most people at one point have fantasized about rolling among a group of naked people. It's erotic to think of limbs surrounding you, not knowing who you are kissing or who's kissing you.