Love, Lust And Faking It Part 3

But as you get older, I highly suggest keeping your zucchinis to yourself and your partner.

Doctor Playing doctor was common in our childhood. Well, at least it was in mine. We would show our b.u.t.ts or flash our tops. All pretty innocent, but it's still intriguing to me that we were turned on by examinations even at an early age. The most obvious s.e.xual fantasy one would think you would choose would be your ob/gyn's office. But most of our ob/gyns aren't attractive in the least bit. Think about it. A guy who had to get a degree just so he could see a woman's canooter is probably not that cute. Sometimes you can forgive balding and big bellies for the sake of the fantasy. I found myself fantasizing the "replacement" ob/gyn taking over for my chubby one, who called in sick. There is something incredibly arousing about being examined. Let me rephrase that. There is something incredibly arousing about fantasizing fantasizing about being examined-because in about being examined-because in real real ob/gyn visits, KY Jelly and a Pap smear metal v.a.g.i.n.a opener don't really turn me on. ob/gyn visits, KY Jelly and a Pap smear metal v.a.g.i.n.a opener don't really turn me on.

Being on Display Come on! Who has not fantasized about being a stripper or even a hooker at one point? It's funny how incredibly judgmental we are about these two professions, yet in our fantasies we are the star stripper and the naughtiest wh.o.r.e in the brothel. Being on display and having men l.u.s.t over our bodies is incredibly arousing. For example, performing in the middle of a room at a bachelor party or sliding down a pole at a strip club while having guys slide money in your G-string is hot. We want to be drooled over. We want guys to have that look on their face like we are meat and they are starving. In reality, though, our partners don't necessarily go to that hungry place like we need them to. So, we fantasize it. It's usually, "Hey, babe, are we doing it tonight?" when sometimes we just need to hear, "Take your clothes off, you naughty s.l.u.t, and spread your legs." We might just do what they want-for a really big tip, of course!

Girls, Girls, and Some More Girls Listen, ladies, I was blown away by all the responses I read about girls fantasizing about other girls. Almost every woman, according to my Twitter poll, said that they had at least one fantasy about being with a woman. Maybe men are supposed to be extinct someday, and we're just preparing ourselves.

Two Guys Yes, why wouldn't we want another guy to get busy on us? Usually this is where you are having s.e.x with your partner and his friend comes into the room. That seems to be the most typical for the "two guys at once" scenario for girls. Unless your man's friend looks like Mr. Potato Head, then just picture Brad Pitt.

Strap One On and Dominate Your Man I can honestly admit I have not entertained this fantasy ... yet. And I'm sure any guy I'm with would be grateful that I don't feel the need to attack/have at his b.u.t.t with my fake p.e.n.i.s. But to all those chicks out there that do, G.o.d bless you! Seriously, I read that it has to do with wanting to feel in control, and many women don't normally in marriages; so they go to fantasy world, where they can make their guy bend over and take a b.u.t.t beating. Wow. Fantasies can be so entertaining!

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I'm sure women have many, many more fantasies; these were just the most common in my poll. What I also found fascinating is the fact that most women have fantasies while having intercourse, whereas men are in the act and concentrating on what's in front of them. (At least according to my Twitter respondents.) It's a whole different ball game when it comes to masturbation. I think masturbation is 95 percent fantasy-driven for both s.e.xes. But when it came to s.e.x, I was shocked to see how many guys said, "I'm mainly just focusing on my wife the majority of the time." They followed it up, of course, by saying, "with the occasional 'my wife making out with a chick in the bed,' but mostly just my woman." I think that has to do with them having to do most of the work during intercourse. They have to concentrate, while we get to close our eyes and imagine having s.e.x with their best friends. Hahaha.

[15].

s.e.xual Hara.s.sment Being blond with fake b.o.o.bs in Hollywood, I have experienced many different forms of s.e.xual hara.s.sment. Some would argue that I deserve it for being blond and implanted with saline. To some extent, yes. I know that if I were to wear a tight s.h.i.+rt one day and happened to walk past a construction site, I would hear, "Nice knockers." I don't want to hear that, but if you are going to attempt to look hot, catcalls are inescapable.

The casting couch is a whole other story. It's not only real, it's actually happening right now in many offices in Hollywood. A girl who just moved into town is currently at some cheesy audition for a movie and is being asked to take her clothes off. How do I know this? Because I've lived in this business for seventeen years. Oh my G.o.d, I just counted on my fingers how long I've been trucking away in this business, and it really is seventeen years! Ugh.

Anyway, when I came off the bus from Chicago, someone immediately approached me on the street to do postcards for Hawaii. I was so excited by the idea of doing something with my clothes on, because Playboy Playboy was the last thing I did back in Chicago. I guess it didn't matter I wasn't Hawaiian or a hula dancer, but I thought if they don't care, I don't care. I received an address and was told there would be a hair and makeup person so I didn't need to come camera-ready. was the last thing I did back in Chicago. I guess it didn't matter I wasn't Hawaiian or a hula dancer, but I thought if they don't care, I don't care. I received an address and was told there would be a hair and makeup person so I didn't need to come camera-ready.

This was my first major photo shoot outside of Playboy, Playboy, and I called my mom from the car. "Mom, Mom, I'm already working out here! I'm on my way to a photo shoot to do postcards for Hawaii." Mom replied, "Oh, Jenny, I'm so proud of you. I'm so glad that you get to take pictures with your clothes on!" and I called my mom from the car. "Mom, Mom, I'm already working out here! I'm on my way to a photo shoot to do postcards for Hawaii." Mom replied, "Oh, Jenny, I'm so proud of you. I'm so glad that you get to take pictures with your clothes on!"

I hung up and pulled down an alley and saw the address on the back of a garage. I parked my car and walked over to the door. The garage itself looked like it was about to fall over and as if it belonged to a serial killer. I did what most girls do when they come to Hollywood: I ignored my instinct and knocked on the door. "Come in," said a scary, grizzly, serial killer voice. My stomach knotted up, and I pushed the dilapidated door open. Inside it looked like Satan's dojo. I felt a trickle of pee come out of me and didn't know whether I should run or say something. Around the corner the grizzly voice showed his face. It was the scariest h.e.l.l's Angel I had ever seen. (I could only compare to h.e.l.l's Angels in movies, and this guy looked like the prototype.) "Go over to my girlfriend, she's going to do your makeup." I looked to the right, and there was a drugged-out, scary-looking truck driver of a woman sitting on the ground. I knew that if I ran away at this point, I would be murdered. I forced a smile to try to calm my nerves, and slowly walked over to her. "Come sit down on the ground here. I can't get up right now, I hurt my back," she said. I didn't think her back was hurt at all. I think she was so high she couldn't stand. She pulled a used powder puff out of her purse and started wiping my face with it. "I forgot mascara, but you don't need any." Oh my G.o.d, Oh my G.o.d, Oh my G.o.d, was all I kept thinking to myself. The h.e.l.l's Angel/serial killer photographer came over to me and said, "Your outfit is on the set."

Set? Did he just say set? We were in a garage with swastikas and pictures of naked women with demon heads hanging on the walls. "Okay," I quivered. The drugged-up "makeup artist" mumbled, "Your hair is fine, go." I got up and walked toward a backdrop of a Hawaiian sunset with a surfboard on the ground. Next to it was a bikini bottom and a Hawaiian lei. "Um, are there any coconut cups to use for the bra?" I gently asked.

"No," he grumbled. I walked behind the backdrop of the Hawaiian sunset shaking in fear of what this guy was capable of doing to me. He actually had a camera and a light box, so I thought that was at least a good sign that he was intending to take a picture and not just rape and kill me. I put on the bikini bottom and put the lei over my naked b.r.e.a.s.t.s. This is not what I had in mind, but again, I was afraid for my life so I just was going to do what he wanted me to do and go. I came around the backdrop, and he said, "Lie sideways on the surfboard." So I held the lei on my chest so it wouldn't reveal my nipples and slowly lowered myself to the floor. "Okay, look s.e.xy."

He snapped a few pictures and then said, "Okay, now get rid of the Hawaiian lei." "What?!" "What?!" I replied. Oh no! He's going to rape me now. I stood up and started stammering, "Um ... um... listen ... um..." And then I heard my instinct say, "Tell him you are under I replied. Oh no! He's going to rape me now. I stood up and started stammering, "Um ... um... listen ... um..." And then I heard my instinct say, "Tell him you are under Playboy's Playboy's contract, and that if you pose nude we both will get sued." So I repeated what was in my head, and he started screaming, "That's f*cking bulls.h.i.+t!" then proceeded to throw s.h.i.+t around the room. "Just take your clothes off, and I'll hold these pictures for a year." The argument continued ... contract, and that if you pose nude we both will get sued." So I repeated what was in my head, and he started screaming, "That's f*cking bulls.h.i.+t!" then proceeded to throw s.h.i.+t around the room. "Just take your clothes off, and I'll hold these pictures for a year." The argument continued ...

"But I just thought we were doing Hawaiian postcards?"

"Don't be such a b.i.t.c.h, just do it."

"Can we just reschedule to do nudes tomorrow, so I can at least shave and look hot?"

"You look hot now."

I didn't know what to do, so I walked behind the backdrop and quickly got dressed, but shouted out that I was taking my clothes off and I would be right there. As soon as my last piece of clothing was on, I bolted out the door and ran to my car. I didn't know what a h.e.l.l's Angel dude was capable of, so I drove as fast as I could out of there. Needless to say, I never went to a shoot again if I didn't know what I was getting into.

Many years later, after I became famous, I was in Hawaii with my boyfriend and I went to a drugstore, and there I was on a Hawaiian postcard, lying on a surfboard. I couldn't believe it. I had never been paid for that job, and my manager (who I was dating) was furious. I tried to tell him that it didn't matter because the man would probably try to kill me. He thought I was being overly dramatic and decided to call the postcard company to track down the photographer. Surprisingly, he did. The phone conversation went pretty much like this: MANAGER: Hi, I represent Jenny McCarthy. There were photos taken of her three years ago that you sold to a postcard company without paying her.h.e.l.l'S ANGEL PHOTOGRAPHER: If you ever call me or contact me again, I will hunt you down, go to your office, and shoot you and then shoot everyone in your office.

Needless to say, my manager thought it was a good idea to let this one go.

Even later in my career, with agent and manager representation, I continued to be s.e.xually hara.s.sed, s.e.xually groped, jumped on, and asked to remove my clothes during auditions.

I took a vow to myself when I came out to L.A. from Chicago that I would never sleep with someone or get naked for a job. Mind you, for a great pair of shoes I might give a hand job with lotion, but for an acting gig? No way. The reason my acting career never really panned out was probably largely due to me not putting out to get ahead. Whatever. I'm happy where I am now, and probably saved myself from many STDs.

[16].

STDs: The Gift That Keeps on Giving Okay, so I did some research to prep myself on these love wounds, and I'm so incredibly grossed out by the pictures I found. You are so lucky I'm not doing a pop-up book on STDs, because you would sew up your canooter after what I just allowed myself to see. It felt like s.e.x-ed cla.s.s all over again.

STDs have been around for hundreds of years. Some really smart historians believe that syphilis was brought to Europe by Christopher Columbus's sailors on their return from the New World. I was shocked when I read that. What in the h.e.l.l were they poking around in? Many people believed that the early stages of syphilis were the beginning symptoms of gonorrhea. Then this British surgeon named John Hunter wanted to verify that there was only one infection, so he injected his p.e.n.i.s with material from a patient with gonorrhea. I know! Gross! When he developed the signs of syphilis he determined that syphilis and gonorrhea were indeed the same infection. However what the lunatic didn't take into account was that many suffered both infections at the same time. So Christopher Columbus's sailors brought back two gifts from the New World, not just one. It was a French doctor in the middle of the nineteenth century who convincingly demonstrated that it really was two separate infections. I wonder what he put into his p.e.n.i.s to finally figure that one out?

Then in 1450 pubic wigs were created. Yes, that's right. I said pubic wigs. They are called merkins and were created initially to combat pubic lice. Prost.i.tutes would also wear them to cover up signs of disease, such as syphilis. Jeez, can you imagine lifting up that pubic wig and finding that kind of surprise? I thought my blown-out v.a.g.i.n.a from childbirth was bad. Merkins are now used for actors to cover up their meat and potatoes during the filming of love scenes. If you ever get a moment please go online and check out merkins. They are hilarious looking. I'm almost tempted to come out with my own line of them.

In the 1960s birth control became available, along with the slogan "Make love, not war," and hippies had s.e.x with pretty much everyone. I'm surprised their genitals didn't fall off. STDs skyrocketed, and because of antibiotics most people thought they were curable and no longer a health threat. This type of "free love" behavior ended abruptly when the public first became aware of AIDS. That was my p.u.b.erty generation. My hormones were raging when all over the news, AIDS turned s.e.x into a deadly activity. It was hard to get my brain wrapped around that. Of course my small gang of high school friends would say, "It's only for gay people, nothing is gonna happen to us." This kind of ignorant philosophy got many people in trouble. Luckily, I only dated Tony in high school.

Then I went to college down in southern Illinois. I know what you're thinking, do people actually live in southern Illinois? No, crabs do. Tons of pubic crabs took up residence on the campus when I went to Southern Illinois University. Looking back now, I don't understand why everyone didn't just shave their p.u.b.es, but I guess that really wasn't in style until the mid-1990s. I was so grossed out and fearful to be with any man that I basically would only let them get to third base with me. Even my roommate, a short, spraytanned blonde named Missy, got crabs; I almost died when she told me that her crotch kept itching.

"I don't know what the h.e.l.l is wrong with my crotch," she said.

"Well, maybe you have yeasty beasties."

"No, it's not inside my v.a.g.i.n.a."

"Maybe you have a rash of some sort or need a serious shower."

"I dunno. Let me go look."

A few moments later I heard a bloodcurdling scream. I thought a murderer had just entered our apartment, so I did what any good friend would do: I ran the opposite direction to save my own life. Screw her, I kept thinking. I don't like her anyway. As I was opening the back door, I heard her scream, "Jenny, look what just came off my v.a.g.i.n.a!" Oh, no, I thought. She's got crabs. I should still run for my life! She's infected. GROSS!!!

"Jenny, oh my G.o.d, please come here!"

"Dammit, Missy, I don't want to get f.u.c.king crabs."

"Please just come. Please!"

I ran to the kitchen and pulled out a Hefty garbage bag and opened it. I pushed both of my feet through the bag, wearing it like a diaper. Then I grabbed another one and wrapped my hair up in it like you would with a towel.

"I'm coming. I'm coming."

I entered the bathroom, and she started crying when she saw me. "What the h.e.l.l are you wearing?!"

"b.i.t.c.h, if I wanted crabs I would have gone to Red Lobster."

She started laughing, then I started laughing, and then she pointed to the dot on the counter.

"Look, it really does look like a crab."

"What the h.e.l.l, Missy?! Do something before it freaking makes babies on the sink or something." She grabbed the phone and started dialing.

"Who are you calling?" I asked. Before she had time to respond to me, she said, "Hi, Mom," into the phone. Who in the h.e.l.l calls their mom to tell them they have crabs?

"Mom. I have crabs."

Well, that's being direct. I could hear her mom shouting, "Oh my G.o.d, Missy. How many boys have you been sleeping with down there?" She responded with, "Everyone has crabs down here." To defend my cleanliness, I screamed, "I don't! I don't have crabs." My roommate looked at me and said, "I wore those sweatpants you're wearing last night to bed." Everything went into slow motion as I imagined the worst possible infestation colony of crabs bouncing from one p.u.b.e to another. I saw them having orgies and being so happy that I'm half Polish because of the enormous amount of pubic hair I have. I finally snapped out of it and found myself tackling my roommate to the ground while wearing a Hefty garbage bag diaper.

"You b.i.t.c.h!" I shouted as I rolled my body on top of hers. She started screaming, "I'm just kidding, Jenny, I'm kidding! I didn't wear them. I'm just messing with you!" I stood up, p.i.s.sed off and grossed out. My roommate grabbed the phone and continued her conversation with her mom and learned how to remove pubic lice with shampoo. I wore my Hefty bag underwear until we washed everything in the house thoroughly, and I made my roommate sleep on the kitchen tile floor for a week. We were one of the only apartments that was crab-free the rest of the year.

By the time I got to Hollywood, herpes was the new gross "love wound" on the scene. I met a guy out here, who I slept with for six months. We were watching a herpes commercial on TV, and he casually said, "Oh, I have that sometimes." I slowly turned toward him and threw him a right hook. I only hit his arm, but I definitely bruised it. "What?! "What?! You p.r.i.c.k. You tell me six months later?" You p.r.i.c.k. You tell me six months later?"

"I thought everyone had herpes, baby," he replied.

"No, I just moved out from Chicago, we only had to worry about crabs. You should have told me the first time. You totally could have given it to me."

"We never did it when I had an outbreak."

"Didn't... did you hear the commercial? You can spread it without having a breakout."

"Well, none of my other girlfriends got it from me."

I broke up with him. Not because of herpes. I could love someone with herpes. I was just upset by the fact he didn't care enough about me to tell me ahead of time. It's gotta be an uncomfortable thing to do when you meet someone new and you're hot and heavy and don't want to interrupt them with, "My cauliflower herpes don't seem to be there right now, let's have s.e.x." Not the best kinda foreplay talk.

The moral is: be careful out there, ladies. One in four girls has herpes today! Like the saying goes, "Herpes is the gift that keeps on giving." And if you're not smart, you might have to get yourself a merkin.

[17].

Threesomes I think at some point almost everyone has at least fantasized about doing a threesome. Then there are those who have done them and those who are willing to try it out for the sake of experimentation. I'll come right out and say that on think at some point almost everyone has at least fantasized about doing a threesome. Then there are those who have done them and those who are willing to try it out for the sake of experimentation. I'll come right out and say that on Howard Stern Howard Stern I openly admitted to enjoying a threesome. I was a Playmate, and s.h.i.+t just happens when people are always naked. I openly admitted to enjoying a threesome. I was a Playmate, and s.h.i.+t just happens when people are always naked.

One thing I have noticed is that the younger generations seem to be much more open to threesomes. When I asked girls in their twenties if they had tried it, the majority of them said yes. Mind you, this is L.A. When asked girls in their thirties, half said yes, the other half said no. When I asked girls in their forties, only about one-eighth said yes. So if each generation is obviously becoming more open to multiple people in the bedroom, what does the future look like? If we evolve as time goes on, are we supposed to be a little more lax about monogamy? I wonder about it all the time. All you have to do is watch Animal Planet Animal Planet to see the dominant male lion sleeping with all his lion b.i.t.c.hes. Or you can just switch the channel and see Jesse James and Tiger Woods doing the same thing. to see the dominant male lion sleeping with all his lion b.i.t.c.hes. Or you can just switch the channel and see Jesse James and Tiger Woods doing the same thing.

But what do we do about this growing interest, to ask another canooter to join us in the bedroom? Do we open our minds and see what it's like, or do we close the door on the possibility of experimenting? I reached out to Patti Stanger, who stars in the hit Bravo TV show Millionaire Matchmaker, Millionaire Matchmaker, to help me out on this topic. She is very successful at hooking people up, and has heard just about every request from men around the world. I sat down with her at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills to discuss threesomes, next to a table of fifteen Kennedys celebrating a birthday. Just for s.h.i.+ts and giggles, I purposely talked extra loud. to help me out on this topic. She is very successful at hooking people up, and has heard just about every request from men around the world. I sat down with her at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills to discuss threesomes, next to a table of fifteen Kennedys celebrating a birthday. Just for s.h.i.+ts and giggles, I purposely talked extra loud.

JENNY: How often do you hear about couples wanting to have threesomes?PATTI: Well, I hear the clients coming to me, especially the men, "I want you to screen for breast implants and bis.e.xuality, and I'd like to do threesomes."And I say, "Look, I'm not Heidi Fleiss, that's not written on my head. I'm not going to jail for you, buddy. You want to do it, you have to do it with two consensual adults-and I wouldn't exactly approach it right away in the beginning of the dating stages. You gotta feel it out; after you've had, you know, s.e.xual intercourse and you're monogamous, and then you bring the other party in. But be clear! If she's on the cusp and bis.e.xual, she could leave you, because I see more women leave for the woman than stay with the man.JENNY: What?!PATTI: You heard me.JENNY: Really?!PATTI: Yes.JENNY: Okay, so the girl ends up having another relations.h.i.+p with the girl?PATTI: Because there's an emotional connection. And if you open that can of worms, be prepared to eat it, is what I like to say. Also another danger can occur when the man leaves the wife for the third party. One of my closest friends got a trainer because she wanted to work out. She and the female trainer really started to bond. She decided to bring her trainer home as a birthday present for her husband, and they did a threesome. He wound up leaving her for the trainer!JENNY: What?!PATTI: He left her for the trainer, and she got pregnant. The trainer got pregnant! Gets better. Then the jerk had another threesome and he left the trainer for the other girl in the threesome.JENNY: What a man wh.o.r.e!PATTI: It can obviously get out of hand. Couples need to be careful.JENNY: You said this was a birthday present to her man. Are threesomes a popular birthday present?PATTI: Yes. That's the time of the year. That's the birthday present. It's usually the five-year-, seven-year-itch marriage time, when you're not getting your kicks anymore.JENNY: How common is it for threesomes to go bad?PATTI: It's common. I have another friend of mine, I can't say who that person is, and I said to him, "What's the reason you got divorced from your wife? You were married to her for thirteen years." And he says to me, "We got too crazy s.e.xual." Now this is a very good-looking s.e.xual guy... It turns out they were doing threesomes and it became an addiction. Then there's no intimacy between the two parties. It could become like, "That's our Friday night date." And then Sat.u.r.day you're like, "Okay, what's next?"JENNY: Trying to top it.PATTI: It's like you start with pot, then you end up on cocaine, then you're on crystal meth, you know, living on the streets.JENNY: But what do you do, or tell a couple, or give advice to somebody that has a bit of a stale relations.h.i.+p who says, "Maybe this could help us get over a hump?"PATTI: A s.e.xual therapist.JENNY: Really? What would a s.e.xual therapist do?PATTI: There are certified s.e.xual therapists that actually get in the room. You have to research this online, you have to make sure they are accredited, and they will get in the room and direct you two.JENNY: No! But isn't that creepy?PATTI: After a couple gla.s.ses of wine, you don't care. Because a lot of women are not climaxing during intercourse, because it's only 30 percent of the population that does...JENNY: Seventeen percent.PATTI: Now it's down to 17 percent?JENNY: Yes.So then how can a s.e.xual therapist teach you to spice things up?PATTI: So I think what happens is, you bring this therapist in the room, and you guys can really have the Kama Sutra, the kundalini, awakened. Remember, the kundalini can only be awakened at the serpent chakra when you're in love. You can't just do it for s.e.xual gratification. So you want to get someone who's pretty open-minded and well versed in basic psychiatry skills; as far as, you know, marriage-family counseling, and knows all the medications, because some people are on meds and that's why they can't climax. And sometimes they get naked. And sometimes they bring in their partners to show how it's done.JENNY: Shut up! Who gets naked?PATTI: The best thing is the Better s.e.x Better s.e.x videos. videos.JENNY: No wait, back up. Do the couples get naked?PATTI: They could, and have, from what I've heard. But people could also get videos to watch and learn ways of spicing things up. The Better s.e.x Better s.e.x videos are the best thing on the market. videos are the best thing on the market.JENNY: Okay, but does this look like the Real s.e.x Real s.e.x series, where they all have like zucchini t.i.ts? series, where they all have like zucchini t.i.ts?PATTI: No, these are good-looking people.JENNY: So are you open to couples watching p.o.r.n?PATTI: Yes, p.o.r.n is fine. Because you're going to lose interest. You can only stay s.e.xually attracted for so long. My mother says it eventually dies, so you have to have humor and you have to have an emotional connection and then you've got it all. And if you can be s.e.xually satisfied and have those three things you probably won't leave ... doesn't matter if Brad Pitt falls from the sky, you're not gonna leave.JENNY: I have a Brad Pitt story later in the book.PATTI: Did you have s.e.x with him?JENNY: You're gonna have to read the book to find out.PATTI: b.i.t.c.h.JENNY: So let's just say, by chance, people reading this still want to try out a threesome.PATTI: You can try a threesome. There are rules, though, that would help make it not end in a disaster.JENNY: Like what?PATTI: Go to Vegas. Buy it. Get a professional. She cannot get emotionally attached. Get a clean professional in one of the cathouses that have been pre-screened by a doctor. Now the reverse is harder, two men and a woman.JENNY: So the majority of women haven't had two men and a woman?PATTI: Straight men don't wanna cross swords.JENNY: That's right, they don't, do they?PATTI: No, they're afraid that they're going to be considered "gay." And that's the hardest thing for a man to do.JENNY: That's kinda not fair. Don't you think that if we allow a girl in the bedroom, we should also be allowed a guy?PATTI: What usually happens is the husband says, "What about if we do two couples?" And now you're swinging. So that's how you cross the street to swinging.JENNY: That's the gateway.PATTI: That's the gateway!JENNY: And then you're on HBO's Real s.e.x Real s.e.x sucking on zucchini t.i.ts. sucking on zucchini t.i.ts.PATTI: Exactly.

[18].

Fetishes: The Need to Get Kinky My friend Kelly worked as a paramedic and she said she loved her job because there was always something different each day. I could barely handle having my period every month, so I'm always amazed by the ability paramedics have to not vomit on their patients. Anyway, she was telling me a story about a call she and her partner answered. The 911 operator told them the man wouldn't say what was wrong with him. He just said he needed help. They tried knocking on his door, and he shouted, "Please break the door down and come in." So Kelly and her partner tried kicking the door down and couldn't. She shouted, "Sir, we can't break the door down. We are going to call in the fire department to break it down."

"No! Please don't!" the man exclaimed. Kelly replied, "Can you tell me what's wrong with you, sir? Are you hurt?""I have a situation here, and I can't move.""Well, the fire department is on their way." From that point on all they heard from the man was profanities.BOOM BANG!

The firemen broke the door down, and they rushed inside the apartment. They found the man lying on the floor, naked, with a large frozen fish sticking out of his a.s.s. They all stood there, shocked, just staring at this guy, who was lying on his stomach crying. The firemen were holding back laughter. Kelly said to the man, "What's your name, sir?"

"Mike."

"Okay, Mike. Did someone do this to you?" she asked.

"No, I get off by sticking things up my b.u.t.t. I put the frozen fish up there, and it started to dethaw in my a.s.s, so when I tried pulling it out, the scales started ripping my a.n.u.s." (For all those who saw my movie Dirty Love, Dirty Love, I put this in a scene.) I put this in a scene.) The entire fire department let out a gasp. Kelly got on her knees and started to examine his ripped a.n.u.s. She knew there was nothing she could do without causing more tearing and pain. "We're gonna have to take you to the hospital, Mike."

"No! For the love of G.o.d. I can't be seen like this. I'm an executive." They put Mike on a sheet so he could remain on his stomach and then lifted him onto the gurney. The frozen fish was sticking out of his b.u.t.t by four inches. It was just the tail end of the fish sticking out, and they were so grateful the fish was dead. They wheeled him through the elevator, into the ambulance, and then into the emergency room, where she had to tell the doctors about Mike's fishy fetish. They knocked him out, lubed his b.u.t.t, and removed the fish. Since then, Kelly said, there have been a couple of other different types of fetish calls from all types of people, but nothing as entertaining as the "ba.s.s in the a.s.s."

s.e.xual fetishes are defined as a s.e.xual attraction to objects or material not normally considered s.e.xual. They are considered healthy if you don't get stuck obsessing on them. One should also not kill anything, like a fish, hamster, or human. The majority of men I have talked to seem to have a foot fetish. I dated a guy once who would only reach o.r.g.a.s.m during s.e.x by turning around and looking at my feet. I would always get annoyed because I went through so much h.e.l.l to get my b.o.o.bs done, and the guy would only look at my feet. I even tried to keep them ugly in hopes he would look at my face during s.e.x at least once, but no such luck. Feet were his b.o.o.bs.

According to my Twitter poll, the majority of women liked their hair pulled. Hair pulling is more of a pain fetish, and I am guilty of enjoying the occasional pull myself. The problem is that most guys don't realize it's mostly about the timing of the hair pull and not the pull itself. The perfect time is once we start really getting into it and might reach o.r.g.a.s.m, not the first thing on the list. Also pulling too hard, to the point that your partner feels like her head is going to snap off, is not a good thing. There were a few times I nearly punched boyfriends in the head for almost decapitating me.

I thought I would end this chapter by enlightening you with some interesting/disturbing fetishes that I have turned up in my research. Not only are these things real, they actually have freaking names: Hybristophilia: s.e.xual relations with a convicted criminal. (I always wondered who those women were that married guys on death row. They're hybristophiliacs!)Formicophilia: In which seeing insects crawling on the genitals leads to s.e.xual arousal. (They should just get crabs, and their life would be complete.)Autagonistophilia: Unlike exhibitionism, during which the person intentionally exposes their genitals to an unsuspecting stranger, in this paraphilia the person creates situations in which other people can see them in the nude, like leaving the curtains open and walking around the house naked in hopes that someone will peep in the windows. It is the thought that someone may be watching that is s.e.xually arousing. (Uh-oh, when I'm staying in a hotel room in New York and the next building is within sight, I think I'm an autagonistophiliac.)Auta.s.sa.s.sinophilia: The person is s.e.xually aroused by situations in which they may be killed. They have to feel they are in true danger in order to be s.e.xually aroused. Unfortunately, some of them get killed in the process.Mixophilia: The person likes to watch themselves or their partner engage in s.e.xual activity. Usually this means watching themselves in a mirror (guilty as charged).Infantilism: Dressing as an infant and acting the role of a child under two years old is s.e.xually arousing. Including the hiring of a nurse or nanny to take care of you. (I shudder to think of changing that that diaper.) diaper.)Symphorilia: Natural disasters are s.e.xually arousing.Catheterophilia: The person is s.e.xually aroused by the insertion of a catheter.Zoophilia: The person wants to be treated like an animal, wearing a collar and even eating out of an animal's dish. This is different from b.e.s.t.i.a.lity, which involves actual s.e.x with an animal.Coprophilia: Smearing human feces on yourself or having one smear it on you, causing s.e.xual arousal. (Sorry, I had to put this in there. I just found this fascinating that there are so many people who do this that they had to name it something.)Coprophagia: Eating human feces. And you thought smearing it on yourself was bad? I'm not making this s.h.i.+t up. Hahahaha. Seriously, this c.r.a.p is real. Hahahahaha, gross.

[19].

What Happens in Vegas ...

Do NOT stay in Vegas... if you're famous. Celebrities used to think it was a safe haven for going to a strip club, taking home a stripper, and then playing Twister with her. Thanks to a hurting economy, even strippers are spilling the beans for big money to reveal their steamy nights with Mr. Famous. With the evolution of cell phones allowing normal folk to capture their dirty deeds, paparazzi no longer need to be omnipresent. All it takes is one click of a cell phone to have enough evidence to rat out a celeb. In doing so, I'm sure the snitchers give that money to charity ... not.

I recently talked to a casino owner in Vegas and asked him why there weren't more paparazzi in Vegas. He told me, "Because we'd shoot 'em." He went on to say they try to protect everyone who comes to Vegas. Not just celebs but executives and anyone looking for a good time. He could have saved that whole sentence by just saying, "We protect cheaters the best we can." Sin City has always had the legacy of fulfilling our naughtiest desires and helping us let go of pressures from everyday life. But lives can be seriously destroyed in this town. People who don't even know each other get married in d.i.n.ky chapels and then quickly try to annul the marriage after the drugs wear off.

Bachelor parties are the most dangerous events a dude can go to in Vegas, if he is attempting to be a monogamist. It's really hard for guys not to partake in some sort of raunchy business when girls are shoving cuc.u.mbers up their v.a.g.i.n.as and asking dudes to insert a twenty-dollar bill in their sphincter. I've heard so many stories over the years and even crashed a bachelor party once to watch what went on. Let me tell ya, it didn't go too well for the bride. Every guy slept with or got eaten alive by the stripper. It made me ask the question, does this happen at the majority of bachelor parties? I was also intrigued by Nevada's brothels. If I was a h.o.r.n.y dude looking for a Twister partner, a brothel is where I would go, only because of the strict STD screenings they do.

My curiosity on this particular subject was overwhelming, so I hopped on a Southwest flight and flew my a.s.s to Las Vegas to interview girls at the number-one brothel in Nevada, the Chicken Ranch.

Walking into the establishment, I was really taken aback by how peaceful and quaint it was. The picture in my mind was taken straight from the movies. I pictured drunken people and naked chicks walking around. It wasn't like that at all. I opened the door and was politely greeted and told to go to a back bungalow, where I would get a chance to interview two working girls.

JENNY: Hey, girls.ASHLEY: Hi.MICh.e.l.lE: h.e.l.lo.JENNY: You're both totally hot. Like HOT hot.ASHLEY: (Laughs.) (Laughs.)MICh.e.l.lE: What did you expect?JENNY: Honestly, I wasn't sure. The only image of a brothel I had in my head were ones I had seen in movies, and the girls weren't that great looking. But you two are gorgeous! I should know better than to think movies depict real life. So do you gals only only work here, or do you venture out, like a pizza delivery service? work here, or do you venture out, like a pizza delivery service?ASHLEY: No, we only work here. When I was asking around about where to work, my friends all said, "Go work at the Chicken Ranch." I've been here for many, many years now, and it really is the best place.JENNY: So let me fill you in on why I'm here. It's certainly not for the chicken. Wahahaha.MICh.e.l.lE: (Giggles.) (Giggles.)JENNY: I'm here because I want a "look inside" as to what the h.e.l.l happens in Vegas when our men go to bachelor parties or on an extended business trip. Do you think our men come here as naughty little b.a.s.t.a.r.ds, or does Vegas make them naughty?ASHLEY: Hmm, good question. I think that the guy is naughty already, and Vegas allows him to bring it all to the surface.MICh.e.l.lE: It's Sin City. The potential to be naughty is at their fingertips. Especially when these guys are stuck in the same routine every day.JENNY: Did you mean to say they are stuck in the same v.a.g.i.n.a every day?ASHLEY: (Laughs.) (Laughs.)MICh.e.l.lE: (Laughs.) (Laughs.)JENNY: Speaking of needing variety, what percentage of married men do you see coming in?ASHLEY: I probably see about 90 percent.JENNY: Oh my G.o.d. Oh my G.o.d. That's a pretty big number. Do they come in b.i.t.c.hing about their wives? That's a pretty big number. Do they come in b.i.t.c.hing about their wives?MICh.e.l.lE: A lot of times when they come in they just want someone to listen to them, so you tend to be the shrink.JENNY: Really? Is that true?ASHLEY: Yes. Sometimes they just want someone to feel compa.s.sion for them. To listen to their "woe is me" tale.JENNY: Then I would charge them for my ear to listen to that s.h.i.+t.ASHLEY: Oh, we do.JENNY: (Laughs.) (Laughs.) What about bachelor parties? Do you see guys coming in here for bachelor parties? What about bachelor parties? Do you see guys coming in here for bachelor parties?MICh.e.l.lE: We do. Quite a few.JENNY: Do they cheat?ASHLEY: Uh, yeah. Especially if they are coming here.JENNY: Yeah, I guess that was a dumb question. Do you think men in general are just wired to have to have different canooters? Because in the animal kingdom you see the animals mating with their whole tribe!ASHLEY: I think it's both men and women.JENNY: Are they both getting action here?MICh.e.l.lE: Sometimes. Not too long ago, women weren't even allowed in here; now they come in a lot. Some pick out who their husband should be with and then just drink at the bar and wait for him. And then there are other couples that want a threesome.JENNY: The married men that come here to see you girls, do they want to leave their wives or just come in to taste the different flavors?ASHLEY: They don't wanna leave their wives, they just want something different, and hence that's why we're here. There's no strings attached, we don't call them the next day ... it's f*ck me, pay me, leave. That's it.JENNY: What about little virgins that come in here?MICh.e.l.lE: We get a few of those. I actually cater to a lot of first-timers ...JENNY: I would totally be into the virgins.ASHLEY: A lot of them are thirty-year-old virgins.JENNY: Oh ... uh, on second thought... no I wouldn't. (Laughs.) (Laughs.)MICh.e.l.lE: I still enjoy them because they want to know so many different things. "What turns a woman on? How do I do this?" And they are so eager to learn, whereas a lot of guys are kind of set in their ways. "I'm just gonna do this, and I know know it feels good to you." And we go, "Oh yeah baby, it feels great." But with a virgin you can say, "You know, women like this. Try to do this with the lady that you find." it feels good to you." And we go, "Oh yeah baby, it feels great." But with a virgin you can say, "You know, women like this. Try to do this with the lady that you find."JENNY: Do you ever get success follow-up stories?ASHLEY: Yes! I constantly get e-mails from guys that I've partied with who were virgins saying, "Thank you so much," and they tell me they are in a relations.h.i.+p, and "If I do this my woman likes it..." I think it's great, you know, it gives you a sense of satisfaction.JENNY: Do you have any emotional connections to any men that come in?ASHLEY: No.JENNY: Never?MICh.e.l.lE: Not one.JENNY: Wow.ASHLEY: Never, not even like, "Oh, that guy's kind of turning me on." To be honest, it's all about money. All I see is dollar signs. We're having s.e.x, and I'm counting how much I made today. I don't want him to leave his wife. I just want his money. I will please him while he's here, and he can go back and have a great life.JENNY: What do you do when a really gross guy comes in and wants to have s.e.x? Can you say "pa.s.s"?MICh.e.l.lE: Here ... yes, we can.JENNY: And do you say it in front of him?MICh.e.l.lE: Well, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. "You know, sweetie ... I don't think we're gonna get along very well... . Maybe you should save your money and party with a girl who's gonna give you a good time." You know, something along those lines.JENNY: What do you think about when you're having s.e.x? I know I think about what groceries I have to get and things like that. Do you also do the same thing?ASHLEY: As I said earlier, I think about the money. Can I get more from him? Can I extend the party? Can I do this? That's it.JENNY: It's comforting to hear you talk about this as a business transaction.ASHLEY: It's the only thing I'm here for.MICh.e.l.lE: We're in a confined closed environment with a bunch of women, and you can't leave the property for a few weeks... I just want to make my money, leave, and go home.JENNY: Have you ever gotten so grossed out after one of the experiences? Cause I've slept with some guys that I wanted to vomit after.MICh.e.l.lE: I wouldn't say grossed out. A lot of times it's mentally draining here, depending on if it's a fetish or a fantasy or some other type of party that you've already discussed ahead of time. It's really hard to go from beating the s.h.i.+t out of somebody in their fetish and then right back into the lineup.JENNY: Do you think that all women should let their husbands get a professional at least once in their marriage?ASHLEY: I, as a working girl, would say only if they are comfortable, because if you're insecure in any way, it's not gonna work. But if you reach that seven-year itch and want to spice it up, this could be a good anniversary present.So there you have it! I can officially say I spent the night with two prost.i.tutes. For all you ladies out there that might be on the kinky side and want to treat your man to a night of chicken for your anniversary, I can tell you they have the best legs and b.r.e.a.s.t.s in town. Thanks, Chicken Ranch!

[20].

Astrological Signs: Best s.e.x Partners According to the Stars Who doesn't love to look up their astrology once in a while? Especially the part about love signs and compatability. (Although I've dated many guys who I'm supposedly compatible with and then realized I would rather date an elephant than go out with my "compatible" sign again.) I am amazed, however, that the description of my own sign really does match up with many of my attributes. Hopefully someday I can find the compatible sign in my life; in the meantime, have fun reading yours! (Sources: www.astrology.aryabhatt.com, www.stargazers.com, www.lifepsychic.com, www.starastrologer.com, www.extonbiz.com.) CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19).

In the bedroom: Capricorns are known to be very pa.s.sionate and are willing to experiment to spice things up. They won't come up with the kinky ideas themselves, but they are willing to go along for the ride if their partner wants to do something.

Compatible with Virgo: Capricorns and Virgos have a high probability of a long-term relations.h.i.+p. They intuitively know their likes and dislikes. Capricorns love advice from Virgos, and Virgos are able to teach the Capricorn how to relax and take a load off. Capricorns possess a fierce ambition for success and tend to stay straight on their path to the spotlight. This drive for the spotlight is perfectly complemented by the Virgo's desire to please others, combined with the organized and meticulous nature of the Virgo. The Capricorn will have a partner that will a.s.sist in helping them achieve even more.

Compatible with Taurus: Capricorns and Taurus are clear-cut matches for each other. They want the same things in life, success and security. Both are very faithful and moral and are committed to attaining loyal life partners. The Taurus is much more straightforward and to the point, while the Capricorn is slow to reveal vulnerabilities and insecurities. Sometimes that can be misconstrued by the Taurus as "secretive," but the Capricorn's honest ways keep the Taurus feeling safe.

Least compatible with Aries and Libra.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18).

In the bedroom: There is never a dull moment in s.e.x with an Aquarius. Experimental in every way possible, bizarre and quick to go on to his or her next exciting conquest, for the Aquarius each time must be a different position, if not a different person. Aquarians will follow the prospect of each new stimulating experience down whatever road that may lead to. They need to break new ground (or hymens), they need to do things "their" way and will not be tied down ... unless a ball gag and whip are involved.

Compatible with Gemini: In order for the eccentric and creative Aquarius to enter a relations.h.i.+p, a strong foundation of friends.h.i.+p must first be established. Gemini adapt easily; they are intelligent but do not want to be the leader. The Gemini is open to the adventurous s.e.xual nature of the Aquarius, and because the Gemini is up for the exciting journey, he or she will be able to sustain the other's interest. However, two impulsive spirits like these should be careful, because this much spontaneity doesn't always pan out smoothly.