Not Just Friends Part 3

Now that so many more men are having s.e.xual affairs with women with whom they share an emotional bond, the threat to the marriage is greater and divorce is a greater possibility than in the past. Traditionally, men have been more likely than women to become involved in extramarital relations.h.i.+ps because of s.e.xual attraction. Men s.e.xualize and women romanticize. When relations.h.i.+ps remain primarily s.e.xual, they are seldom a threat to the durability of the marriage unless they are discovered. (And the s.e.x-only affair is less likely to be discovered.)

In my clinical sample, men who engaged in primarily s.e.xual affairs were as satisfied with their marriages as noninvolved men. However, women in any type of extramarital involvement were less happy in their marriages than non-involved women.

Women have generally begun extramarital relations.h.i.+ps with an emotional involvement that may or may not involve s.e.xual interaction. But unfaithful women who do engage in extramarital s.e.xual intercourse are likely to be in love with the affair partner. That is one of the reasons their affairs have been a.s.sociated with lower marital satisfaction and have been more likely to lead to divorce. Social norms are against s.e.xual involvement for women and emotional involvement for men, so a combined-type affair is more threatening because it violates societal norms and also steps into the domains that create the most jealousy.

Complications of the Double Life For over a year, Ralph and Lara lived their secret life. Then one day, after they made love, Lara told Ralph she was leaving her husband. She said she knew that Ralph no longer loved his wife either, and that she didn't see any reason why they couldn't both get divorced and be together forever. As she spoke, he felt a jolt of adrenaline and had to calm himself down before he could speak. After a moment of pure panic, he responded carefully, "Let's take it easy. Let's think this through. Let's not do anything stupid," he said. She said, "I thought you loved me." And they spent the rest of their time together trying to repair the breach.

This was the first outward sign that the two lovers were no longer totally on the same wavelength. Yet, for some time Ralph had been feeling guilty about the s.e.x, while Lara continued to enjoy it guilt-free. He also found himself feeling bad about Rachel, and though he wasn't ready to end the affair, he noticed that he was more ambivalent about his furtive trips to the motel and his quick, covert conversations with Lara on the cell phone.

Now that he knew Lara wanted to divorce her husband, he began to worry about getting caught. He became super careful. What if he had to choose between the two women in his life? All things being equal, he thought he would choose Lara, but all things were not equal. He had kids, for one thing, and he had made marriage vows to his wife. And then there was her family, and his family, and their church friends, and the other parents at the school, not to mention his colleagues at work. He began to have the cla.s.sic kind of nightmare, where he discovered to his horror that he was standing in front of his old high school auditorium completely naked. Every time he thought about getting caught made him feel sick. He was beginning to fear that, sooner or later, somebody was going to get hurt.

Ralph was aware that being intimate with two women allowed him to play many different roles, which he enjoyed, but there were times when he got tired of the complications He didn't like to think of himself as someone who could sustain such an elaborate deception. There were moments when he asked himself what the heck he was doing. How did he go from a devoted family man to a first-cla.s.s deceiver?

The relations.h.i.+p between Ralph and Lara was more balanced than in some affairs because both of them were married. For married lovers, the marriage is bread and b.u.t.ter and the affair is icing on the cake. Affairs between married and single people have an imbalance of power because the affair is the one-and-only for the unmarried person, who has to wait in line for time and attention that isn't already allocated to the spouse and kids. Ralph panicked when Lara threatened to leave her husband, because up to that point, his needs were in sync with hers. They were facing the demands of living a double life together. When Lara changed the terms of their understanding, the affair became much less stable and harder to control.

Living the double life is hard work. It entails managing the logistics, including erasing e-mails, hiding cell phones, camouflaging expenses; meeting sites have to be convenient but not places you will likely encounter people you know. The emotional effort of sustaining two relations.h.i.+ps, neither of which can be totally authentic, is also difficult. Lying not only erodes personal integrity, it distances you from the person you are lying to. There are two people to share intimacies with, two people to laugh with and cry with, and two people to deceive.

Ralph and Lara had to stay on the alert to cover their tracks. They paid close attention to their calendars, part of which they wrote in code. Ralph had his cell phone bills sent to his office because the phone was a "business expense." Under the pretense of relieving Rachel of the financial duties for the household, Ralph started doing the banking, bill paying, and tax preparation. He kept his last bonus a secret from her and deposited the extra money into a separate account that he could draw on without any explanations.

With every action that strengthened his connection to Lara, there was a corresponding act of deception He had to remember what he said to whom and what he had promised to whom. He worked hard to keep the two streams of his life separate. Ralph thought it was worth the effort, but there were times when he yearned to live simply and straight. As the months pa.s.sed, he began to feel more guilty. There were times when Rachel was so giving, so trusting. One time after they made love, she said, "I'm so happy we found each other. I don't think anyone else could make me so happy. I hope I make you as happy as you make me." What he said next was a lie. He knew what she needed to hear and he told her.

Lying A question that often comes up in my practice is whether people who have affairs are liars. Of course they are. How could it be otherwise? By definition, anyone involved in a secret, forbidden relations.h.i.+p is involved in lies, large and small. If people didn't lie about their infidelities, they'd either have an open marriage or a divorce. Here's the real question: Is this person lying because of the cheating, or is the cheating just another manifestation of ingrained dishonesty? If you are the marital partner of someone who has been having an affair, you have to be able to figure out whether the lying is an idiosyncratic consequence of this particular situation or an embedded trait that is a matter of character and personality.

Lying is not a simple matter. A lie can be motivated by many emotions and intentions, from maliciousness to kindness. It depends on the context. The impact of a malevolent lie may be the suffering of one person or of mult.i.tudes. The impact of the humane lie may be the continuation of social relations.h.i.+ps. Personal relations.h.i.+ps cannot always stand the test of brutal honesty. Telling the truth in every instance could indicate a lack of sensitivity and kindness and undermine the delicate bonds that connect us.

On the other hand, lying in personal relations.h.i.+ps to cover up wrongful or deceitful acts destroys trust. Intimate relations.h.i.+ps are contingent on honesty and openness. They are built and maintained through our faith that we can believe what we are being told. However painful it is for a betrayed spouse to discover a trail of s.e.xual encounters or emotional attachments, the lying and deception are the most appalling violations.

There is a difference between lies of commission and lies of omission. A lie of commission is the fabrication of information, the making up of a fact or a whole story. Some unfaithful partners go to great lengths to deceive, weaving intricate tales with elaborate details in an effort to endow their lies with a reality that can't be questioned. Others just stretch the truth a little bit to cover their tracks. Ken is an example of someone who put a lot of thought into his deception. To spend a weekend away with his affair partner, he created a flyer announcing a three-day conference; then he had it printed up and sent to his home. When he showed the flyer to his wife, she agreed that attending would be a great advantage to him in his profession. This act of flagrant deception created a huge stumbling block for regaining trust during their recovery process.

Others are not as adept at or as comfortable with deliberate fabrications. They engage in lies of omission. A lie of omission is leaving something out, not mentioning a critical part of the truth, with the intention of deceiving or creating a false impression. I've known people who managed to cover their tracks by extending the duration of their actual weekly appointments with a personal trainer, committee meetings, visits to sick relatives, and adult education cla.s.ses. They try to conduct their affairs with as few out-and-out lies as possible. But failing to mention time spent alone with a lover or a gift of an intimate nature is as misleading as telling an untruth. Sometimes people think they are on firmer moral ground if they deal primarily in lies of omission; however, as we shall see in the next chapters, the person who is betrayed rarely appreciates the subtleties.

Once you tell one lie, it's easier to tell another and another. Lies begin to cascade until lying becomes a way of being. Inevitably, in an affair one becomes a double liar. To keep both partners satisfied, it is necessary to lie in both relations.h.i.+ps. Here is an example of the duplicity that can occur. June was suspicious that her husband, Jerry, was having an affair with Samantha. Even though he denied it, she thought his business trips might be a cover-up to spend time away with Samantha. June decided to make an unexpected appearance at the airport to meet his return flight, so she would know for certain once and for all. When she confronted them as they entered the gate together, an explosive argument followed, and Samantha said to June, "I don't know why you've stayed with him so long when he can't even stand to touch you." June shot back that she and Jerry snuggled in bed every night and fell asleep in each other's arms. Shocked, Samantha cried out, "I feel betrayed!"

Unfaithful persons often say they are protecting their partners from pain, but they are really protecting themselves from exposure so they can continue to live the double life.

Compartmentalizing Some unfaithful people preserve their parallel lives by putting their thoughts and feelings about the two relations.h.i.+ps in sealed compartments. They keep the conflicting story lines of their two different worlds neatly and safely separated from each other. When they're not with the one they love, they love the one they're with. They relish being able to experience different parts of themselves and will go to great lengths to maintain the split self. They can be sober and responsible in one part and risk-taking and pleasure-seeking in another. Stories abound of politicians, celebrities, and sport stars whose numerous affairs run side by side with their commitment to their family. They appear to regard these extramarital relations.h.i.+ps as something separate, not relevant, and not threatening to their dedication to spouse and children.

The "monogamous infidel," on the other hand, is a person who does not and cannot compartmentalize.8 This is a man or woman who basically believes in monogamy and cannot be invested in more than one relations.h.i.+p at the same time. For monogamous infidels, the affair takes over and becomes the primary relations.h.i.+p, while the marriage becomes peripheral and detached. They often feel "unfaithful" to the affair partner when they have s.e.x at home. This is a man or woman who basically believes in monogamy and cannot be invested in more than one relations.h.i.+p at the same time. For monogamous infidels, the affair takes over and becomes the primary relations.h.i.+p, while the marriage becomes peripheral and detached. They often feel "unfaithful" to the affair partner when they have s.e.x at home.

Mary felt that way about having s.e.x with her husband. Her primary allegiance was to her affair partner, Eddie. It was her extramarital relations.h.i.+p that stirred her pa.s.sion and her jealousy. She was eager to meet Eddie's live-in girlfriend, Edith, in order to "size her up." She wanted to see for herself what her rival was like. As it turned out, Edith was very sweet and friendly, and she had no clue that anything was amiss. Probably because Mary was married, Edith considered her "safe" and therefore not a threat. She confided to Mary that she wanted to marry Eddie, but he kept saying he wasn't ready. When Mary told Eddie that she felt two-faced about betraying Edith's trust, he couldn't understand why she was upset. He didn't have any remorse about leading a double life and was very good at it.

In this case, Mary is a monogamous infidel and Eddie is someone who splits his relations.h.i.+ps into separate compartments. As it happened, things were made more difficult for Mary because her husband became more attentive and more s.e.xually insistent as he sensed her attention wandering. Because Mary could be "faithful" to only one partner at a time, her husband's newly enthusiastic attentions felt "smothering" to her, and she felt the need to pull away even more.

Other Ways of Dealing with Internal Conflict Besides compartmentalizing, there are other ways to eliminate or reduce the internal anguish caused by a potential disparity between values and behavior. People attempt to deal with the dissonance by lying to themselves about what they are doing. Lying to others is only a partial consequence of infidelity. In affairs, people are as likely to engage in self-deception as in deception of their partners. Self-deception can take the form of denying self-indulgent motives or refusing to acknowledge the potential damage. With practice, people find it easier to hide those unacceptable parts of themselves from themselves. They gloss over aspects that are inconsistent with their internalized values. They tell themselves that what they are doing isn't so bad, that everybody does it and life goes on.

For some people, the way to resolve the internal conflict is to get caught. They may become careless or start leaving clues that would incriminate them. Even an unsuspecting spouse might wonder about a hickey on the neck, charges to a florist on the credit card bill, or a love note stuck in the pages of a book. An unfaithful husband kept his love letters in his briefcase. One day, when he was home with the flu, he asked his wife to look in his briefcase for an insurance form they needed to fill out. Naturally, she found the letters and he was found out.

In the next chapter, you will see what happens when clues cannot be denied and suspiciousness turns into devastating reality. When an affair is exposed, all three people must cope with the trauma of revelation. You will learn what helps people live through the difficult hours, days, and weeks that follow.

PART II.

The Trauma

There are times in life when everything falls apart. An affair shatters your comfortable, familiar relations.h.i.+ps and routines in an instant. This part of the book will help you begin your recovery together with your partner.

When an affair is disclosed or discovered, the betrayed partner is traumatized. How traumatized depends on the nature of the betrayal and the manner of discovery. Trust has been destroyed. In the aftermath of the revelation, if you've been betrayed, you nay feel extreme, volatile, traumatic reactions. If you were unfaithful, you're caught in the misery of competing alliances. Even in these first confusing moments, however, you can begin to reestablish a sense of safety by working together as a couple.

Exposure of the double life can leave both partners conflicted about whether to stay or leave. With careful exploration, thought, and the pa.s.sage of time, you can resolve your ambivalence.

After you commit to working on the marriage, you both still must deal with the post traumatic symptoms of the betrayed partner. Learning what these symptoms are and how to cope with them will help both of you begin the work of healing.

Rediscovering the places where your connection is still alive will give both of you hope for the future. As you make deliberate attempts to get back to normal, create goodwill, and communicate with each other compa.s.sionately, your relations.h.i.+p will begin to provide you with more pleasure and intimacy. From there, you will be strong enough to sort out and negotiate the complex questions raised by the affair.

3.

REACHING THE MOMENT OF REVELATION.

In that moment, my life was shattered. He says he loves me but that he isn't 'in love' with me? I don't even know who he is anymore.... It would have been easier if he had died!

ASINGLE MOMENT can change us forever. After you learn that you've been betrayed, you think in terms of the time before and the time after. The private calamity of discovering that your partner has become someone you don't recognize and has lied to you as if you were an enemy blows your secure world to pieces. You no longer trust your eyes to see, your brain to comprehend, or your heart to feel what is true. can change us forever. After you learn that you've been betrayed, you think in terms of the time before and the time after. The private calamity of discovering that your partner has become someone you don't recognize and has lied to you as if you were an enemy blows your secure world to pieces. You no longer trust your eyes to see, your brain to comprehend, or your heart to feel what is true.

The journey toward the moment when the affair is revealed is often marked by an awareness that things aren't quite right. After the affair has been exposed, your uneasiness is replaced by many different emotions. The connection between what you think you know and your sense of reality has been severed. It doesn't matter whether you were totally in the dark or highly suspicious beforehand. No matter what the circ.u.mstances, your a.s.sumptions about your partner, your marriage, and yourself have been shattered. They lie in ruins at your feet. This is how Ralph's affair with Lara was revealed to Rachel.

Loss of Innocence Things hadn't been so good between Ralph and Rachel. He'd been working hard, and she'd been stretched by obligations at home and in her job at the hospital. Rachel was secretly relieved that Ralph hadn't required much from her lately, but she thought she probably hadn't been paying enough attention to him. To get things back on track, she planned a treat for his birthday. After surmising that he had no plans to go out for lunch, she decided to surprise him at the office with a gourmet picnic.

At noon on the big day, Rachel arrived at Ralph's office, picnic basket in hand. She was surprised when the receptionist told her that Ralph wasn't there. She took off down the hall to Ralph's office with the vague thought of leaving him a note. She looked at his Daytimer, which was lying open on his desk, and read "11:30-lunch with L." She felt a wave of panic and confusion. Then she told herself that maybe she was jumping to conclusions. Maybe it wasn't Lara, but someone else in his office. Rachel decided not to leave a note; she picked up the picnic basket and walked quickly back to the car with her heart pounding. She sat in the car and waited until 2 P.M. P.M. before driving off with a sick, sinking feeling. As soon as she got home, she threw the champagne, the pate, and the truffles into the garbage. before driving off with a sick, sinking feeling. As soon as she got home, she threw the champagne, the pate, and the truffles into the garbage.

When Ralph got home that night, she asked him what he had done for lunch. Caught off guard, he paused briefly, then told her, "I brown-bagged it in the office. I was saving all the birthday fun for you." Then Rachel lashed out at him and told him she knew he had gone out with Lara. She told him she had seen the calendar on his desk.

At first, he denied everything. Then he said that a stockbroker from Legg Mason who was trying to get his business had taken him out to lunch at a fancy restaurant. He hadn't wanted to spoil the special dinner she had made for his birthday by telling her he had a gourmet lunch. He had a rational explanation for every accusation she threw at him. As the hours dragged on, however, things became less rational and more surreal. Rachel kept hammering at him until he was worn down. Finally, just to have some peace, Ralph admitted he'd been having an affair. He cried and asked her for forgiveness, saying he wanted to be with her and that he would break it off with Lara.

As much as Rachel wanted to believe him, she couldn't trust his words. At one moment, the touch and the sight of him nauseated her so much she thought she was going to throw up; the next moment, she held on to him so desperately that her gripping fingers left an imprint on the back of his arms. All that night they were caught in the storm of their emotions, riding the crest of one terrified feeling, barely getting their footing, and then being knocked down by another wave of anger and terror.

A few days later, Rachel called my office for an emergency appointment. When she and Ralph walked in, the tension was palpable. They both looked exhausted after their all-night marathon and subsequent days in an emotional pressure cooker. Their emotions s.h.i.+fted back and forth rapidly. Rachel alternated between being flushed with anxiety, tearful and sobbing, enraged and shouting, and silently frozen and numb. To her, everything was unreal. Ralph alternated between being empathic and comforting, impatient and complaining, avoidant and stonewalling, and uncomfortable and visibly embarra.s.sed.

During the session, they told me what had happened. At first, Ralph had denied that his relations.h.i.+p with Lara was anything but a friends.h.i.+p. Then, under Rachel's probing inquisition, he had admitted a few kisses. He had become furious when Rachel wouldn't accept his a.s.surances that that was all there was. She continued her unrelenting accusations until he finally admitted a s.e.xual affair, but he still claimed his emotional attachment to Lara was minimal.

Even though Rachel had felt something was wrong in their marriage, she was devastated when she thought that another woman had been the cause of their problems. She said to him, "It would have been easier if you had died! You're not the person I thought you were." But in the next breath, she talked about how much she thought they loved each other and what a good person Ralph was. She never thought he would be unfaithful to her because she was convinced they shared the same moral and religious values. Now she didn't know how she could ever trust him again.

The truth is that things will never be the same for Ralph and Rachel. The innocence and safety that had existed before the affair can never be reclaimed. Ralph's realization that his double life was over was both a shock and a relief. He didn't know how he was going to live without being intimate with Lara, especially since they had to continue to see each other at work. Rachel didn't know how she could endure the anxiety every morning when Ralph left for work.

Someone once asked me if it is hard to recover from infidelity without therapy, and I replied that recovery is hard, even with therapy. Ralph and Rachel, for instance, were in therapy for almost two years until they felt healed. After a lot of hard work and many setbacks, they were able to rebuild trust by opening a window into the affair and erecting a solid wall that sent a clear message to Lara that the romance was over. There were days, though, during that first year of recovery, when Ralph was cold and distant because he was grieving for the loss of his relations.h.i.+p with Lara. Although it was terribly painful for Rachel to hear Ralph finally admit how emotionally involved he had been, his honesty did ultimately create greater empathy and intimacy in their marriage. Fortunately, both of them were open to exploring the vulnerabilities in their own interaction that had set the stage for his infidelity, and they used the lessons they learned to rebuild their relations.h.i.+p.

Lara also had a difficult year. She took the sound advice of her own counselor to take the next few months to focus on herself and what she wanted out of life. She joined an early-morning yoga cla.s.s to center herself after the profound loss of her relations.h.i.+p with Ralph. Her life seemed empty. The deficits in her own marriage became even more apparent when Ralph was no longer there to meet her need for emotional closeness. Her affair with Ralph gave her undeniable evidence that she could not remain in a marriage that was an empty sh.e.l.l.

Soon after she left her husband, Lara enrolled in an MBA evening program. As soon as she could, she took a job in another part of the company so she wouldn't be working with Ralph. From that point on, she approached work friends.h.i.+ps with married men very gingerly. She wanted relations.h.i.+ps only with men who were free to explore the possibility of a long-term commitment.

Before Revelation: Secrets, Lies, and Suspiciousness Betrayed partners differ considerably in how aware they are of the presence of infidelity in their relations.h.i.+p. Some betrayed partners are completely innocent in the absence of any clues, some overlook subtle clues, some avoid obvious clues, and others are preoccupied with tracking down tell-tale clues. Many affairs are discovered when intuition says that something is wrong and little things that happen just don't add up.

Avoiding Confrontation Some individuals have definite reasons for choosing not to confront their partner or investigate further. They may be afraid that the marriage would end if the affair were to come out into the open. As one woman said to me, "If I knew for sure, my principles are such that I'd have to break up my family." She decided to do what she could to stop it without finding out for sure how far it had gone. In another case of reluctance, a suspicious husband was afraid that his wife would choose her lover if he confronted her.

Worried partners may choose to deny their suspicions for emotional or practical reasons. They may welcome the decreased pressure for s.e.x or intimacy. One woman admitted that she found her husband much easier to live with when he was in the middle of one of his s.e.xual adventures. Some people choose to ignore infidelity and stay in the relations.h.i.+p for financial reasons or because they don't want to disrupt the family. They apparently believe that a divided loaf is better than no bread at all, even though they might feel they end up with the crumbs.

Unsuspecting Partners I don't agree with infidelity experts who a.s.sert that betrayed partners always know about the infidelity but choose to ignore the signs. Some of these experts even accuse the naive spouse of actually colluding in the extramarital triangle, an unsubstantiated a.s.sumption with which 1 strongly disagree. My research does not support the view that the spouse always knows.1

In my airport sample, 55 percent of unfaithful wives and 70 percent of unfaithful husbands reported that their spouse did not know about their extramarital involvement.

A lot of secret affairs go unsuspected. s.e.xual flings that have almost no emotional attachment are the least likely to be suspected or revealed. Unfaithful partners can be so adept at concealing their double life that detection is almost impossible. When involved persons are able to compartmentalize their s.e.xual activities and maintain a loving relations.h.i.+p at home, the infidelity may be totally hidden. Because people in committed relations.h.i.+ps tend to have a truth bias that inclines them toward believing what they are told, it seldom occurs to them that they are being betrayed. In fact, unfaithful partners whose infidelities were undiscovered reported little effect on emotional closeness, tension, or distrust in the marital relations.h.i.+p.

Despite the fact that a high proportion of men and women in my airport survey admitted having had an extramarital involvement themselves, only 10 percent of the men and 19 percent of the women believed that their spouse had ever had an extramarital relations.h.i.+p.

Tracking the Clues Leaving a trail of multiple or obvious clues can be either intentional or accidental. Carelessness or indiscretion is often the result of a subconscious wish to be discovered. In contrast, the person who doesn't want to get caught is usually very careful about covering his or her tracks and may leave so few clues that only a super-alert investigator could detect the trail. When suspicious partners snoop, spy, and launch inquisitions to uncover infidelity, both partners are likely to be angry and resentful. Suspicious partners resent the repeated, untruthful denials and the necessity for sneaking, and unfaithful partners resent the accusations, incessant grilling, and intrusions into their privacy.

Right in Front of Your Nose: Involved partners who make no real effort to hide their extramarital activities want their spouse to help them end the masquerade. As a matter of personal integrity, if they find it impossible to sustain the lie, they may leave enough evidence around to serve as a confession. When they are asked, they answer questions honestly and do everything they can to work through the pain they have caused. Some may even be signaling for attention from a partner who has not been interested in dealing with pressing issues in the relations.h.i.+p.

Call for Attention: Amanda came to understand the significance of her own affair as a call for more attention from her husband. She was married to an older man who ran his own, all-consuming business. She responded to her husband's neglect by becoming involved with a neighbor. After her lover gave her lingerie for her birthday, she left the box from Victoria's Secret on her night table. When her husband asked whether she was having an affair, she told him right out that she was. She answered all his questions and said that he was the man she loved and that she was dying for his time and affection: "I didn't want to throw it in your face. But I wanted you to pay attention to me."

Although Amanda's game was a dangerous one, her affair could become the pivot for some needed changes. Whether her infidelity will act as a positive turning point depends on whether she and her husband make a joint commitment to working on the neglected aspects of their relations.h.i.+p. In addition, although her affair served primarily as an excuse to get her husband's attention, it became yet another problem to be addressed in their marriage.

Exit Plan: Involved spouses who want out of the marriage may let the evidence pile up in a flagrant disregard for their partner's feelings. Stewart's affair was so obvious he might as well have been staging it for his wife's benefit. He told his affair partner it was okay to call him at home; when he went out alone in the evening, he often came home in the middle of the night half-drunk. Then lie had the audacity to get angry at his wife's questioning.

After several months of provocative behavior, during which he ridiculed his wife for thinking there was another woman, he simply up and left. He left a message on the answering machine. He told his wife that her crazy jealousy had finally driven him away, that he was gone for good, and who could blame him if he did find some comfort in the arms of another woman? As we might expect, his wife was traumatized by his extreme behavior, but his insensitivity to her anguish helped her to see him for the self-centered person he was. After their divorce, she began a wonderful relations.h.i.+p with a widower who was compa.s.sionate and caring.

Warning Signs of Infidelity Sometimes there is no way to know when partners are having an affair because their actions may seem perfectly normal. They might be able to look you in the eye and convince you that nothing is going on. Do not blame yourself if you have been kept in the dark. On the other hand, each potentially suspicious sign could indicate something other than an affair, such as depression or midlife changes. The best clue is probably your own gut instinct, especially if you have never been suspicious or jealous before.

You can't tell whether your partner is having an affair from just one piece of evidence. You need to identify a pattern of unusual behavior. A change from the norm or a pattern of opposite behaviors with unpredictable ups and downs is suspicious. Here are some signposts for realistic suspicions: - Privacy: More phone calls taken privately; staying up later and using the computer after everyone is in bed; having the beeper always on hand.

- Schedules: More time away from home; longer working hours; more out-of-town travel; more evening or weekend meetings. The explanations for these changes may be overly detailed, or they may be blanket excuses, such as "the new project" or "the planning board" or "my yoga cla.s.s."

- Interests: A sudden and intense interest in a new activity that is deliberately not shared with the partner, such as motorcycles, sports cars, or country-western dancing.

- Personal Habits: Preoccupation with personal appearance; abrupt transformation in hair or clothing style, especially a new image more appropriate at a singles bar; efforts to lose weight that involve changes in eating or exercise habits; purchasing new, s.e.xy underwear.

- Children: Uneven and inconsistent attention to children, sometimes angry and impatient with them and sometimes lavis.h.i.+ng attention on them; not noticing the routine details of children's lives.

- Money: Less open about expenditures; checks missing from the family bank account or questionable credit card charges; spending more money on restaurants, hotels, motels, or gifts or on enhancing own attractiveness and desirability.

- Personal Interaction with Spouse: Unpredictable behavior that can sometimes be rejecting and critical and sometimes overly clingy; may give the impression that he or she would rather be alone and does not want to talk or be touched; may start arguments and storm out for a few mysterious hours away from home.

- s.e.x and Affection: May have increased s.e.xual desire, and s.e.x may be more pa.s.sionate; new techniques may be tried or broached, or there may be an avoidance of s.e.xual contact-or both at different times; less spontaneous affection and fewer romantic kisses.

- Social Life: Avoids including spouse in familiar social settings with people from work or the neighborhood; or, may want to go out more with others and avoid being alone with spouse.

A survey by Todd Shackelford and David Buss found L70 cues to suspicions of s.e.xual or emotional infidelity. survey by Todd Shackelford and David Buss found L70 cues to suspicions of s.e.xual or emotional infidelity.2 One of the most predictive emotional cues was no longer saying "I love you" to one's partner. Opposite behaviors toward another person, such as increased references or a reluctance to discuss him or her, stood out as other signals of emotional infidelity. One of the most predictive emotional cues was no longer saying "I love you" to one's partner. Opposite behaviors toward another person, such as increased references or a reluctance to discuss him or her, stood out as other signals of emotional infidelity.

Being a Detective Persistent accusations that are just as persistently denied may eventually provoke suspicious partners into becoming their own detective. One wife I know checked her husbands tollbooth receipts because she suspected that he was having an affair with a woman who lived on the other side of the bridge. Checking mileage on ehe odometer or on gasoline receipts is another way to put two and two together. Wives have confirmed suspicions about their husbands' extramarital s.e.xual activities by counting condoms or v.i.a.g.r.a pills. Contraceptive devices in women's pocketbooks have set off the alarm for suspicious husbands.

Sometimes the tracks are more subtle. One woman became aware that she didn't know how her husband was spending his Thursday afternoons off. When she asked him, he was evasive. She went rummaging around in his underwear drawer and figured out that every Thursday, he wore his new bikini underpants. That was alarming. She followed the trail and was soon able to answer the question of how he spent his time off.

Sometimes, people want the undeniable evidence of catching their partner in the act. Hotels and motels are notorious locations for affairs and are therefore frequently part of the scenario for discovery. One creative spouse posed as a secretary and called a hotel to ask whether a hotel bill was for a single or double occupancy. In an especially dedicated example of detective work, an anxious husband got on a plane and flew 3,000 miles to confront his wife and her lover in their hotel room. Closer to home, suspicious partners sometimes wait outside the affair partner's house, hoping to catch the suspects going in or out. Parking lot surveillance is common in front of motels, restaurants, or any place that has aroused suspicions.

In December 2000, the first divorce action involving DNA evidence of infidelity went to court. A rejected wife said she found clues that led her to believe that her husband had had a tryst at his farm in Vermont. She had a laboratory examine the sheets for traces of DNA. If her allegations are proven to be true, her husband has violated a no-cheating clause in their prenuptial agreement, which could result in an award of several million dollars for the wife.

Although not as elaborate or expensive as DNA testing, homegrown detectives are supplementing their own instincts with high-tech snooping. Cell phones are a favorite mode of communication by errant spouses, and cell phone bills are a common source of discovery. Most cellular phone companies now list local phone numbers on their bills. Lots of calls to the same mystery number is an obvious signal that something might be going on. Strange calls that are made or received at home can usually be traced by pressing redial or *69. Beepers, too, can provide an electronic record. Beeper codes make it possible to access a list of the previous phone numbers that have called in.

Suspicious partners acquire evidence of betrayal by hiding voice-activated tape recorders behind the front seat of the car, near the telephone in the private study, or under the king-size bed to capture illicit activity while they are out of town. E-mail correspondence, even if it appears private and secure, can be retrieved by computer-savvy sleuths as well as by virtual neophytes who are hot on the trail. Torrid on-line affairs are increasing rapidly, and the cyber trail has become the latest source for uncovering infidelity. Most suspicious spouses, however, will continue to have to rely on their own eyes and ears and on their gut instincts to warn them when their spouse is involved in an extramarital liaison.

Hiring a Detective By the time a suspicious spouse hires a detective, bitter accusations and heated denials have occurred for months and perhaps for years. The relations.h.i.+p is characterized by distrust and discord. In some cases, the suspicious partner has been accused of being paranoid and pathologically jealous. Detectives often find that there has been an opportunity to consummate an illicit relations.h.i.+p in a private place, such as a motel. They may use video cameras to prove there has been a display of affection. Private investigators who are hired by a suspicious partner are able to corroborate cheating in a preponderance of the cases.

For over two decades, Trent had subjected his wife, Thelma, to questions about her daily activities because of a gut feeling that she was being unfaithful. This was in spite of her apparent devotion to him and their four children. Not only Thelma, but I, as their marital therapist, told him he was being overly possessive and irrationally jealous. Trent finally hired a detective. The detective provided indisputable evidence that Thelma was having an affair with the landscape architect who was designing a lily pond in their backyard. After grueling inquisitions day and night, she eventually confessed that she had been with ten other men since the beginning of their relations.h.i.+p. Trent's rage and humiliation at having been deceived for so long could not be healed by her coerced confession. As their therapist, I was as stunned as Trent by the extent of Thelma's secret life. The marriage eventually ended because they were unable to establish a feeling of trust and security.

Private investigators agree that Valentines Day is the best time to catch cheating spouses.3 Unfaithful partners who are having love affairs are apt to plan romantic trysts on that holiday. Men and women use different ploys to sneak out of town with their lover; men may use the excuse that they have to be away on business, and women may say they have to visit a sick relative. One crafty husband first went home to wine and dine his wife. He then had himself beeped so he could rendezvous with his girlfriend. Unfaithful partners who are having love affairs are apt to plan romantic trysts on that holiday. Men and women use different ploys to sneak out of town with their lover; men may use the excuse that they have to be away on business, and women may say they have to visit a sick relative. One crafty husband first went home to wine and dine his wife. He then had himself beeped so he could rendezvous with his girlfriend.

Confronting Your Suspicions Confronting is not the same as attacking. Attacking is a hostile offensive that involves accusations, criticism, and abuse. Confronting is meeting face-to-face for the purpose of presenting information for clarification. Responses to confrontations are varied and may include validation, explanation, alternative perspectives, or defensiveness.

Before You Confront 1. Know what you hope to gain through the confrontation and share this goal with your partner. For example, you might want your partner to acknowledge what you already suspect or know to be true. Then you can figure out together whether to work on the marriage or end it. Remaining in the dark about a secret affair is like playing poker with your cards face up while your opponents whole hand is face down.