Devil's Despair: Travis's Stand Part 11

"You did."

His forehead rests on mine and I smell the beer on his breath. It's intoxicating but only because he's so close, so vulnerable, and so afraid. I feel his fingers tremble against my skin.

His words are pained; I hear the torment as he says them. "I love you, Sarah."

Closing my eyes, I plead with myself not to give in, even more so not to cry.

Gathering courage, I try to explain exactly why we aren't together. "I'd rather hurt you this way than watch you wake up one morning after losing everyone in your life because you think your love for me means more than your loyalty to them."

"If that's really what you're scared of, Sarah, that won't happen," he states, pulling his forehead from mine but keeping his face close.

"It would."

"You can't f.u.c.kin' know that! Do you love me?"

"You know I do."

"I can't stop thinking about you," he tells me, removing himself from the subject of why things aren't the way he wants them.

"I don't know what else to say."

As he leans in I feel his lips on mine. His tongue traces each, top then bottom. His mouth opens slightly as he grabs the back of my neck and pulls me closer. I relax, feeling safe and cherished in his presence after so many months of denied closeness.

This isn't the frenzied, searching, all-consuming touch which we've had before on more than one occasion. This kiss is a reminder of what we shared the night in his bedroom under the strain of grief we both carried after the loss of Bean.

Although closed, my eyes water and a tear falls. My hand moves to his wrist to tell him without words to let me go.

He doesn't.

Instead, sensing my nervousness, he deepens the connection. The arm not holding my face to his wraps around my waist and his hand rests on my a.s.s. He squeezes firmly, and I hear and feel the moan coming from the back of his throat. Of their own volition, my arms drape across his shoulders and he finally frees my face and neck.

Leaning down farther, but not releasing me, Travis grabs my thighs from behind and lifts my body, raising me from the floor and holding me tightly against the wall behind us. I feel his c.o.c.k pressed between my thighs and I tremble again; another memory from the night he showed me a kind of love unlike anything anyone else, including him, had ever had before.

Pulling away, he forces his face to my neck and sucks the flesh of it roughly. The three-day growth on his jaw feels coa.r.s.e against my sensitive skin.

"Do you feel what you're doing to me?" he whispers his question almost painfully.

I don't answer. Instead, I gasp. His hand reaches further underneath me and he moves my panties to the side. My skirt has risen to my waist. I'm exposed in every sense of the word.

"No," I unconvincingly deny.

He doesn't stop. Rather, his finger slides inside me, and I know he's found me ready.

"I want you, Sarah. I need to be with you."

"Travis," I utter under my breath. Although enjoying the feel of his hands on me again, saying his name was meant to slow him down, get his attention so he'd pull away. But it only adds to his desperation.

"I miss you. I've missed you so f.u.c.king much," he tells me, sliding out of me and positioning his hand so his fingers a.s.sault my already-swollen c.l.i.t.

My moan fills the s.p.a.ce between us and I lift his face to mine and suck his bottom lip with my own desperation.

"You broke my heart, Sarah," he says on a breath after I pull away. "You're breaking my heart," he says with the next. "I hate that I'm invisible to you. I don't know what else to say or do to make us right. I won't hurt you."

Tears sting my eyes. His fingers continue to manipulate my body and my skin feels warm; my body recognizes what's about to happen.

It's what Travis has made me feel before.

"Tell me what I have to do, because I know you feel this," he says as his fingers dip in and out of me quickly. Again and again, the a.s.sault continues and I'm about to surrender to what I know he wants.

My hands grab on tightly to his shoulders, and I rest my face in his neck, bracing for my impending release. My eyes roll back in my head as I let it happen.

"Travis," I gasp once it hits. My body begins to tremble. "Don't stop!"

"f.u.c.k, yes," he breathes heavily in my ear. "Take it, baby."

Hearing him use an endearment he never uses with anyone but me, my heart beats faster in my chest. I brace my legs securely around him and tilt my head to the ceiling. The moan that comes from the back of my throat doesn't surprise me. The delayed o.r.g.a.s.m still seething through my body does. That's never happened before.

Once it's over, Travis holds my sated body in his arms with my back still against the door. Together our breathing slows. Setting me down gently, Travis fixes my skirt before stepping back.

His hand comes to my face. The quiet and calm tone he uses is so certain. "Tell me what I have to do."

"Stop," I repeat, losing the breath I just got back.

My body acts before my heart can stop me and I move in to him. Standing on my toes, forcing him to lean down, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and hold him tightly against me. He returns the unspoken gesture of apology by clinging to me with more force than I've ever felt from him.

"You're going to walk away from me," he utters quietly over my shoulder.

I don't know what to say, so I tell him what I know is true. "I love you."

"I want more than that. I want you to tell me you want me, Sarah," he returns with an emotionally tortured whisper before he stands straight and kisses the top of my head.

"I'm so sorry."

"I know," he replies quietly, with care.

"You're my best friend."

"That'll never change."

"It would kill me to lose you, Travis."

"You never will."

"Ace won't . . ."

Just as I'm about to finish my reasoning for hurting him, the door opens and the light from the hall illuminates the room. Lacey's figure looms in the doorway.

When she speaks, I hear the annoyance clearly in her voice. "If you haven't already, you two should f.u.c.k and get it over with."

"Lacey," Travis warns. "Don't."

"Your friends are looking for you," she replies. "Ellie and Devon are out there wondering where you're at. It wasn't hard to figure out you were somewhere together."

Travis releases me completely and my chest sinks with the loss of strength his body gave me.

As he walks away, I hear him tell Lacey, "Say nothing. What you saw was nothing."

Once he's gone, Lacey carefully watches me for a moment. "Sometimes we don't always see what's in front of us until it's not there, Sarah. But having outside distractions won't help you see any clearer."

"Lacey," I whisper, unsure she can hear me. I cross my arms around my middle, comforting myself and aimlessly trying to guard my mind from what just happened.

"You love him, Sarah. But you're hurting him," she rightfully observes. Walking to me, Lacey stands at my side and wraps her arms around my shoulders. Instinctively I rest my head on hers. A few tears of sadness and uncertainty fall from my eyes and I don't make a move to swipe them away; it would be pointless.

"Lacey, you know we can't. . . ."

"Ace," she answers quickly, already knowing.

"There's more to it than just my brother," I tell her. "I can't lose Travis. If we didn't work out, I would."

"You're losing him already." The cold truth of her words rushes over me.

"Whoever there is, Sarah, and whatever you're fighting, isn't something so big that it's harder to battle your way through than a broken heart. Other people, things, and any other outside influences don't matter as long as you're happy with who you choose to love."

"I do love him," I admit, but not to her. It's an admission said aloud for myself.

She turns to stand in front of me and pushes my hair from my shoulders to my back. Then she wipes the fallen tears off my cheek and says, "If he's not what you want, so be it. Let him go. Just be careful with him, please. Travis doesn't love easy. You know that. And when he trusts someone, he trusts them with everything. But you already know this, too."

"I don't know how to do this."

"You do. You and Trav have been together for years, honey. Maybe not in that way, but you've always been connected."

"He's going to be angry soon. I know it. He's going to hate me."

"You know as well I as I do, Travis could never hate you."

"I wish I was a kid again," I tell her honestly. Life was so much easier then and for the first time I admit to myself that living under Ace's thumb wasn't so bad after all.

"Yeah, well, you're not. You're a beautiful woman with a heart that's lost. You're still grieving, Sarah. It's understandable considering Bean was such a big part of your life. But, no matter what the two of you decide, it won't feel like this forever."

"How did you figure us out?" I ask, curious to know what finally gave us away.

"Aside from my wedding night?" she jokes, causing me to flinch.

Lacey and Hayden walked in on Travis and me in a semi-suspicious position the night of her wedding. No one's talked about it since it happened, but apparently they still think about it.

"Few things, I guess. The biggest enlightenment came when Devon picked you up at Trav's last week. It wasn't so much his reaction to Devon, but more his reaction to you with Devon. He watched you, never looked away."

"He watches everyone, Lace." I snap back the truth she can't deny.

"He doesn't look at Rae, Marlee, or even Ellie the same way he looks at you."

I shouldn't ask, but of course I do. "How's that?"

Her answer is quick; she didn't have to think it over or contemplate at all. "He looks at you as if his world moves with only your presence in it. And as though the idea of breathing hurts if he's doing it without you near him."

G.o.d, I didn't think this could feel any f.u.c.king worse. "You got that from a look?"

"Travis has many. Just one saved for you, though."

"I want him to be happy. With or without me. I want that for him."

She smiles, leans her temple to mine, and offers more clarity. "He wants that for you, too. If you end up with a man who doesn't give you everything Travis could . . ." she pauses. "Well, I hate to imagine Trav's reaction."

"I'm f.u.c.ked."

She laughs out loud. "Between him and Ace, you'll never find a man strong enough to withstand what they'll put him through."

"Christ," I hiss. "You give a lot of advice."

She laughs. "It's not really advice. I'm only telling you what I can see. Whether you take it or not is your decision." She shakes my shoulders, pulling me out of my daze. "Come on. Help me find my husband so we can clear everyone out. You and Travis really do need to talk and if I'm not mistaken, it's possible Devon just asked Ellie out for a drink after."

That would be too f.u.c.king easy.

Travis and Ellie were gone by the time Lacey and I made our way out of her spare room. Devon looked furious. I'm willing to bet that Travis wasn't gracious and kind on his way out of Hayden's house.

I reiterated to Devon, again, on the way home that he and I are friends and I'm not ready to date. He a.s.sumed correctly when he told me it was because of Travis, but I didn't confirm or deny.

He said he's accepting my friends.h.i.+p, but won't wait around for me to decide if I want more. I said that was fine and there was no need to wait. I could tell he had more to say. He asked to come inside and talk, but I refused. When he looked across the front seat and saw Trav's Jeep, he got visibly angrier, but said nothing.

When I started to get out, he said he'd call. I won't wait by the phone. I think I'm done with Devon, friends.h.i.+p included.

When I make my way into the apartment, I find Travis sitting on the couch alone. Ellie's VW Bug wasn't outside parked next to Trav's Jeep, so I already know she didn't come in after dropping him off. I'm partly relieved, but I could've used her as a barrier between Travis and me. I could've escaped to my room, without having to face the broken man drinking whiskey alone in his darkened living room.

"Figure out your s.h.i.+t yet?" he asks with a slight slur.

Correction. Ellie could've been a barrier to the broken, angry man who's sitting in his darkened living room.

His question p.i.s.ses me off. "Really?" I ask, irritated.

"Yes, really," he mocks, then stands from the couch and stalks toward me before I'm able to put my stuff down.

"Where's Ellie?" I ask, still on guard.

"We aren't talking about Ellie."

"We aren't talking at all."