The Well Of Lost Plots Part 28

'Are you sure?'

'Yes.'

'Are you SURE you're sure?'

'Er ... No, wait. I've just remembered. There was this young kid there up for his first fight. It could make him. Mickey said he was the best he'd ever seen he could be a contender.' make him. Mickey said he was the best he'd ever seen he could be a contender.'

'Sounds like you had a busy morning,' said Mary, looking up at the grey sky.

'The busiest,' answered Jack, pulling his jacket around his shoulders. 'Come on, I'll buy you lunch.'

The chapter ended and Jack covered his face with his hands and groaned.

'I can't believe I said "the importance of which I won't understand until later". They'll never buy it. It's rubbish rubbis.h.!.+'

'Listen,' I said, 'stop fretting. It'll be fine. We just have to hold the book together long enough to figure out a rescue plan.'

'What have we to lose?' replied Jack with a good measure of stoicism. 'You get up to Jurisfiction and see what you can find out about the Book Inspectorate. I'll hold a few auditions and try to rebuild the scene from memory.'

He paused.

'And Thursday?'

'Yes?'

'Thanks.'

I drove back to the flying boat. Having said I wasn't going to get involved with any internal politics, I was surprised by how much of a kins.h.i.+p with Caversham Heights Caversham Heights I was feeling. Admittedly, the book was pretty dreadful, but it was no worse than the average Farquitt perhaps I felt this way because it was my home. I was feeling. Admittedly, the book was pretty dreadful, but it was no worse than the average Farquitt perhaps I felt this way because it was my home.

'Are we going shopping now?' asked Lola, who had been waiting for me. 'I need something to wear for the BookWorld Awards the week after next.'

'Are you invited?'

'We all are,' she breathed excitedly. 'Apparently the organisers are borrowing a displacement field technology from SF. The long and short of it is that we will all be able to fit in the Starlight Room it's going to be quite an event!'

'It certainly will,' I said, going upstairs. Lola followed me and watched from my bed as I changed out of Mary's clothes.

'You're quite important at Jurisfiction, aren't you?'

'Not really,' I replied, trying to do up my trouser b.u.t.ton and realising that it was tighter than normal.

'Blast!' I said.

'What?'

'My trousers are too small.'

'Shrunk?'

'No ...' I replied, staring into the mirror. There was no doubt about it. I was starting to put on a small amount of girth. I stared at it this way and that and Lola did the same, trying to figure out what I was looking at.

Catalogue shopping from the inside was a lot more fun than I had thought. Lola squeaked with delight at all the clothes on offer and tried about thirty different types of perfume before deciding not to buy any at all she, in common with nearly all bookpeople, had no sense of smell. Watching her was like letting a child loose in a toy store and her energy for shopping was almost unbelievable. It was while we were on the lingerie page that she asked me about Randolph.

'What do you think of him?'

'Oh, he's fine,' I replied non-committally, sitting on a chair and thinking of babies while Lola tried on one bra after another, each of which she seemed to love to bits until the next one. 'Why do you ask?'

'Well, I rather like him in a funny kind of way.'

'Does he like you?'

'I'm not sure. I think that's why he ignores me and makes jokes about my weight. Men always do that when they're interested. It's called subtext, Thursday I'll tell you all about it some day.'

'Okay,' I said slowly, 'so what's the problem?'

'He doesn't really have a lot of, well, charisma charisma.'

'There are lots of men out there, Lola,' I told her. 'Don't hurry. When I was seventeen I had the hots for this complete and utter flake named Darren. My mother disapproved, which made him into something of a magnet.'

'Ah!' said Lola. 'What about this bra?'

'I thought the pink suited you better.'

'Which pink? There were twelve.'

'The sixth pink, just after the tenth black and nineteenth lacy.'

'Okay, let's look at that one again.'

She rummaged through the pile, found what she wanted and said: 'Thursday?'

'Yes?'

'Randolph calls me a tart because I like boys. Do you think that's fair?'

'It's one of the great injustices of life,' I told her. 'If he did the same he'd be toasted as a "ladies' man". But Lola, have you met anyone who you really really liked, someone with whom you'd like to spend more liked, someone with whom you'd like to spend more exclusive exclusive time?' time?'

'You mean a boyfriend?'

'Yes.'

She paused and looked at herself in the mirror.

'I don't think I'm written that way, Thurs. But you know, sometimes, just afterwards, you know, when there is that really nice moment and I'm in his big strong arms and feeling sleepy and warm and contented, I can feel there is something that I need just outside my grasp something I want but can't have.'

'You mean love?'

'No a Mercedes.'

She wasn't joking. 16 It was my footnoterphone.

'Hang on, Lola Thursday speaking.' 17 I looked at Lola, who was trying on a basque.

'Yes,' I replied, 'why?' 18 'The safe side of what?' 19 'I see. What can I do for you apart from answering questions about pianos?' 20 I wasn't busy. Apart from a Jurisfiction session tomorrow at midday, I was clear.

'Sure. Where and when?' 21 'Okay.'

Lola was looking at me mournfully.

'Does this mean we'll have to miss out on the gym? We have to go to the gym if I don't I'll feel guilty about eating all those cakes.'

'What cakes?'

'The ones I'm going to eat on the way to the gym.'

'I think you get enough exercise, Lola. But we've got half an hour yet c'mon, I'll buy you a coffee.'

21.

Who stole the tarts?

'My first adult foray into the BookWorld had not been without controversy. I had entered Jane Eyre Jane Eyre and changed the ending. Originally, Jane goes off to India with the drippy St John Rivers, but in the ending that I engineered, Jane and Rochester married. I made the decision from the heart, which I had not been trained to do but couldn't help myself. and changed the ending. Originally, Jane goes off to India with the drippy St John Rivers, but in the ending that I engineered, Jane and Rochester married. I made the decision from the heart, which I had not been trained to do but couldn't help myself.

Everyone liked the new ending but my actions weren't without criticism. Technically I had committed a fiction infraction a fiction infraction, and I would have to face the music. My first hearing in Kafka's The Trial The Trial had been inconclusive. The trial before the King and Queen of Hearts in had been inconclusive. The trial before the King and Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland Alice in Wonderland would not be as strange it would be stranger.' would not be as strange it would be stranger.'

The Gryphon was a creature with the head and wings of an eagle and the body of a lion. In his youth he must have been a frightening creature to behold, but in his later years he wore spectacles and a scarf, which somewhat dented his otherwise fearsome appearance.

He was, I was told, one of the finest legal eagles around, and after Snell's death he became head of the Jurisfiction legal team. It was the Gryphon who managed to secure the record pay-out following the celebrated Farmer's Wife v. Three Blind Mice Farmer's Wife v. Three Blind Mice case and was instrumental in reducing Nemo's piracy charges to 'accidental manslaughter'. case and was instrumental in reducing Nemo's piracy charges to 'accidental manslaughter'.

The Gryphon was reading my notes when I arrived and made small and incomprehensible noises as he flicked through the pages, grunting here and there and staring at me over his spectacles with large eyes.

'Well!' he said. 'We should be in for some fun now!'

'Fun?' I repeated. 'Defending a Cla.s.s II fiction infraction?'

'I'm prosecuting a cla.s.s action for blindness against the Triffids this afternoon,' said the Gryphon soberly, 'and the Martians' war crimes trial in War of the Worlds War of the Worlds just drags on and on. Believe me, a fiction infraction is fun. Do you want to see my case load?' just drags on and on. Believe me, a fiction infraction is fun. Do you want to see my case load?'

'No thanks.'

'Okay. We'll see what their witnesses have to say and how Hopkins presents his case. I may decide not to put you on the stand. Please don't do anything stupid like grow it nearly destroyed Alice's case there and then. And if the Queen orders your head to be cut off, ignore her.'

'Okay.' I sighed. 'Let's get on with it.'

The King and Queen of Hearts were seated on their thrones when we arrived, but they were the only people in the courtroom who were seemingly composed Alice's exit two pages earlier had caused a considerable amount of distress to the jury, who were back in their places but were bickering furiously with the foreman, a rabbit who stared back at them, nibbling a large carrot that he had somehow smuggled in.

The Knave of Hearts was being escorted back to the cells and the tarts exhibit 'A' were being taken away and replaced by the original ma.n.u.script of Jane Eyre Jane Eyre. Seated before the King and Queen was prosecuting attorney Matthew Hopkins and a collection of very severe-looking birds. He glared at me with barely concealed venom. He looked a lot less amused than when we last crossed swords in The The Trial Trial, and he hadn't looked particularly amused then. The King was obviously the judge because he wore a large wig, but quite which part the Queen of Hearts was to play in the proceedings, I had no idea.

The twelve jurors calmed down and all started writing busily on their slates.

'What are they doing?' I whispered to the Gryphon. 'The trial hasn't even begun yet!'

'Silence in court!' yelled the White Rabbit in a shrill voice.

'Off with her head!' yelled the Queen.

The King put on his spectacles and looked anxiously round, to find out who had been talking. The Queen nudged him and nodded in my direction.

'You there!' he said. 'You will have your say soon enough, Miss, Miss ...'

'Next,' put in the White Rabbit after consulting his parchment.

'Really?' replied the King with some confusion. 'Does that mean we're done?'

'No, Your Majesty,' replied the White Rabbit patiently, 'her name is Next. Thursday Thursday Next.' Next.'

'I suppose you think that's funny?'

'No indeed, Your Majesty,' I replied. 'It was the name I was born with.'

The jurymen all frantically started to write 'It was the name I was born with' on their slates.

'You're an Outlander, aren't you?' said the Queen, who had been staring at me for some time.

'Yes, Your Majesty.'

'Then answer me this: when there are two people and one of them has left, who is left? The person who is is left or the person who left or the person who has has left? I mean, they can't both be left, can they?' left? I mean, they can't both be left, can they?'

'Herald, read the accusation!' said the King.

At this, the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, and then unrolled the parchment scroll, and read as follows: 'Miss Thursday Next is hereby accused of a fiction infraction Cla.s.s II against the Jurisfiction penal code FAL/0605937 and pursuant to the BookWorld general law regarding continuity of plot lines, as ratified to the Council of Genres, 1584.'

'Consider your verdict,' said the King to the jury.

'Objection!' cried the Gryphon. 'There's a great deal to come before that!'

'Overruled!' shouted the King, adding: 'Or do I mean "sustained"? I always get the two mixed up it's a bit like "feed a cold and starve a fever" or "starve a cold and feed a fever". I never know which is right.

At any rate, you may call the first witness.'

The White Rabbit blew three more blasts on the trumpet, and called out: 'First witness!'