The Well Of Lost Plots Part 27

The driver was no more detailed than the truck; he or she or it was pink and cubist with simple features and a pale blue boiler suit. The truck had been turning left and had hit one of the blue Morris Marinas, damaging all of them identically. The driver, a grey-haired man wearing herringbone tweed, was trying to remonstrate with the cubist driver but without much luck. The truck driver turned to face him, tried to speak but then gave up and looked straight ahead, going through the motions of driving the truck even though he was stationary.

'What's going on?' I asked the small crowd that had gathered.

'This idiot turned left when he shouldn't have,' explained the grey-haired Morris Marina driver while his identical grey-haired Generic D-4 clones nodded their heads vigorously. 'We could all have been killed!'

'Are you okay?' I said to the cubist driver, who looked blankly at me and attempted to change gear.

'I've been driving in Caversham Heights Caversham Heights since the book was written and never had an accident,' the Morris Marina driver carried on indignantly. 'This will play h.e.l.l with my no-claims bonus and what's Jasper Fforde - Thursday Next 03 - The Well of Lost Plots since the book was written and never had an accident,' the Morris Marina driver carried on indignantly. 'This will play h.e.l.l with my no-claims bonus and what's more, I can't get any sense out of him him at all!' at all!'

'I saw it all,' said another Spongg truck driver a proper one this time. 'Whoever he is he needs to go back to driving school and take a few lessons.'

'Well, the show's over,' I told them. 'Mr Morris Marina Driver, is your car drivable?'

'I think so,' replied the eight identical middle-aged drivers in unison.

'Then get it out of here. Generic Truck Driver?'

'Yes?'

'Find a tow rope and get this heap of junk off the road.'

He left to do my bidding as the eight Morris Marina drivers drove off in their identically spluttering cars.

I was waving the cars around the stranded truck when there was a crackle in the air. The cubist truck vanished from the roadside leaving nothing but the faint smell of cantaloupes. I stared at the s.p.a.ce left by the truck. The drivers were more than happy that this obstacle to their ordered lives had been removed, and they sounded their horns at me to get out of the way. I examined the area of the road carefully but found nothing except a single bolt made in the same style as the truck no texture, just the same cubic shape. I walked back to my car, placed it in my bag, and drove on.

Jack was waiting for me outside Mickey Finn's Gym, situated above a couple of shops in Coley Avenue.

We were there to question a boxing promoter about allegations of fight fixing. It was the best scene in Caversham Heights Caversham Heights gritty, realistic, and with good characterisation and dialogue. I met Jack slightly earlier while the story was off on a sub-plot regarding a missing consignment of ketamine, so there was time for a brief word together. gritty, realistic, and with good characterisation and dialogue. I met Jack slightly earlier while the story was off on a sub-plot regarding a missing consignment of ketamine, so there was time for a brief word together. Caversham Heights Caversham Heights wasn't first-person which was just as well, really, as I didn't think Jack had the depth of character to support it. wasn't first-person which was just as well, really, as I didn't think Jack had the depth of character to support it.

'Good morning, Jack,' I said as I walked up, 'how are things?'

He looked a lot happier than the last time I saw him and smiled agreeably, handing me coffee in a paper cup.

'Excellent, Mary I should call you Mary, shouldn't I, just in case I have a slip of the tongue when we're being read? Listen, I went to see my wife Madeleine last night, and after a heated exchange of opinions we came to some sort of agreement.'

'You're going back to her?'

'Not quite,' replied Jack, taking a sip of coffee, 'but we agreed that if I stopped drinking and never saw Agatha Diesel again, she would consider it!'

'Well, that's a start, isn't it?'

'Yes,' replied Jack, 'but it might not be as simple as you think. I received this in the post this morning.'

He handed me a letter. I unfolded it and read: Dear Mr Spratt, It has come to our attention that you may be attempting to give up the booze and reconcile with your wife. While we approve of this as a plot device to generate more friction and inner conflicts, we most strongly advise you not to carry it through to a happy reconciliation, as this would put you in direct contravention of Rule IIc of the Union of Sad Loner Detectives' Code, as ratified by the Union of Literary Detectives, and it will ultimately result in your expulsion from the a.s.sociation with subsequent loss of benefits.

I trust you will do the decent thing and halt this damaging and abnormal behaviour before it leads to your downfall.

PS. Despite repeated demands, you have failed to drive a cla.s.sic car or pursue an unusual hobby. Please do so at once or face the consequences.

'Hmm,' I muttered, 'it's signed Poi-'

'I know who it's signed by,' replied Jack sadly, retrieving the letter. 'The union is very very powerful. They have influence that goes all the up to the Great Panjandrum. This could hasten the demolition of powerful. They have influence that goes all the up to the Great Panjandrum. This could hasten the demolition of Caversham Heights Caversham Heights, not delay it. Father Brown wanted to renounce the priesthood umpteen times, but, well, the union-'

'Jack,' I said, 'what do you you want?' want?'

'Me?'

'Yes, you.'

He sighed.

'It's not as simple as that. I have a responsibility for the seven hundred and eighty-six other characters in this book. Think of it all those Generics sold off like post-Christmas turkeys or reduced to text. It makes me shudder just to think about it!'

'That might happen anyway, Jack. At least this way we have a fighting chance. Do your own thing. Break away away from the norm.' from the norm.'

He sighed again and ran his fingers through his hair.

'But what about the conflicts conflicts? Isn't that the point of being a loner detective? The appalling self-destruction, the inner battles within ourselves that add spice to the proceedings and enable the story to advance more interestingly? We can't just have murder-interview-interview-second murder-conjecture-interview-conjecture-false ending-dramatic twist-resolution, can we? Where's the interest if a detective doesn't doesn't get romantically involved with someone who has something to do with the first murder? Why, I might never have to make a choice between justice and my own personal feelings ever again!' get romantically involved with someone who has something to do with the first murder? Why, I might never have to make a choice between justice and my own personal feelings ever again!'

'And what if you don't?' I persisted. 'It needn't be like that. There's more than one way to make a story interesting.'

'Okay,' he said, 'let's say I do do live happily with Madeleine and the kids what am I going to do for sub-plots? In a story like this conflict, for want of a better word, is good. Conflict is right. Conflict live happily with Madeleine and the kids what am I going to do for sub-plots? In a story like this conflict, for want of a better word, is good. Conflict is right. Conflict works works.'

He gazed at me angrily, but I knew he still believed in himself the fact that we were even having this conversation proved that.

'It doesn't have to be marital conflicts,' I told him. 'We could get a few sub-plots from the Well and sew them in I agree the action can't always stay with you, but if we- h.e.l.lo, I think we've got company.'

A pink Triumph Herald had pulled up with a middle-aged woman in it. She got out, walked straight up to Jack and slapped him hard in the face.

'How dare you!' she screamed. 'I waited three hours for you at the Sad & Single wine bar what happened?'

'I told you, Agatha. I was with my wife.'

'Sure you were,' she spat, her voice rising. 'Don't patronise me with your pathetic little lies who are you s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g this time? One of those little tarts down at the station?'

'It's true,' he replied in an even voice, more shocked than outraged. 'I told you last night it's all over, Agatha.'

'Oh yes? I suppose you you put him up to this?' she said, looking at me, scorn and anger in her eyes. 'You come down here on a character exchange with your Outlander airs and self-determination bulls.h.i.+t and think you can improve the storyline? The supreme arrogance of you people!' put him up to this?' she said, looking at me, scorn and anger in her eyes. 'You come down here on a character exchange with your Outlander airs and self-determination bulls.h.i.+t and think you can improve the storyline? The supreme arrogance of you people!'

She stopped for a moment and looked at the pair of us.

'You're sleeping together, aren't you?'

'No,' I told her firmly, 'and if there aren't some improvements round here soon, there won't be a book. If you want a transfer out of here, I'm sure I can arrange something-'

'It's all so easy for you, isn't it?' she said, her face convulsing with anger and then fear as her voice rose.

'Think you can just make a few footnoterphone calls and everything will be just dandy?'

She pointed a long bony finger at me. 'Well, I'll tell you, Miss Outlander, I will not not take this lying down!' take this lying down!'

She glared at us both, marched back to her car and drove off with a squeal of tyres.

'How about that for a conflictual sub-plot?' I asked, but Jack wasn't amused.

'Let's see what else you can dream up I'm not sure I like that one. Did you find out when the Book Inspectorate are due to read us?'

'Not yet,' I told him.

Jack looked at his watch. 'Come on, we've got the fight-rigging scene to do. You'll like this one. Mary was sometimes a little late with the "If you don't know we can't help you" line when we did the old good cop/bad cop routine, but just stay on your toes and you'll be fine.'

He seemed a lot happier having stood up to Agatha, and we walked across the road to where some rusty iron stairs led up to the gym.

Reading, Tuesday. It had been raining all night and the rain-washed streets reflected the dour sky.

Mary and Jack walked up the steel steps that led to Mickey Finn's. A lugubrious gym that smelt of sweat and dreams, where hopefuls tried to spar their way out of Reading's undercla.s.s. Mickey Finn sweat and dreams, where hopefuls tried to spar their way out of Reading's undercla.s.s. Mickey Finn was an ex-boxer himself, with scarred eyes and a tremor to prove it. In latter days he was a trainer, was an ex-boxer himself, with scarred eyes and a tremor to prove it. In latter days he was a trainer, then a manager. Today he just ran the gym and dabbled in drug-dealing on the side. then a manager. Today he just ran the gym and dabbled in drug-dealing on the side.

'Who are we here to see?' asked Mary as their feet rang out on the iron treads.

'Mickey Finn,' replied Jack. 'He got caught up in some trouble a few years ago and I put in a good word. He owes me.' word. He owes me.'

They reached the top and opened the doo- It was a good job the door opened outwards. If it had opened inwards I would not be here to tell the tale.

Jack teetered on the edge and I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back. The only part of Mickey Finn's that remained were short floorboards that changed to descriptive prose less than a foot out, the ragged ends whipping and fluttering like pennants in the wind. Beyond these remnants was nothing but a dizzying drop to a bleak and windswept sea, whipped up into a frenzy by a typhoon. The waves rose and fell, carrying with them small s.h.i.+ps that looked like trawlers, the sailors on board covered in oilskins. But the sea wasn't water as I knew it; the waves here were made of letters letters, some of which had coalesced into words and on occasion short sentences. Every now and then a word or sentence would burst enthusiastically from the surface, where it would be caught by the sailors, who held nets on long poles.

'Blast!' said Jack. 'd.a.m.n and blast!'

'What is it?' I asked as letters that spelt 'saxophone' came barrelling towards us, changing to a real real saxophone as they crossed the threshold and hit the ironwork of the staircase with a crash. The clouds of individual letters in the sky above the wave-tossed sea contained punctuation marks that swirled in ugly patterns. Now and then a bolt of lightning struck the sea and the letters swirled near the point of discharge, spontaneously creating words. saxophone as they crossed the threshold and hit the ironwork of the staircase with a crash. The clouds of individual letters in the sky above the wave-tossed sea contained punctuation marks that swirled in ugly patterns. Now and then a bolt of lightning struck the sea and the letters swirled near the point of discharge, spontaneously creating words.

'The Text Sea!' yelled Jack against the rush of wind. We attempted to close the door against the gale as a grammasite flew past with a loud 'Gark!' and expertly speared a verb that had jumped from the sea at a badly chosen moment.

We pressed our weight against the door and it closed. The wind abated, the thunder now merely a distant rumble behind the half-glazed door. I picked up the bent saxophone.

'I had no idea the Text Sea looked like anything at all,' I said, panting. 'I thought it was just an abstract notion.'

'Oh, it's real, all right,' replied Jack, picking up his hat, 'as real as anything is down here. The LiteraSea is the basis for all prose written in roman script. It's connected to the Searyllic Ocean somewhere but I don't know the details. You know what this means, don't you?'

'That scene-stealers have been at work?'

'It looks more like a deletion to me,' replied Jack grimly, ' excised excised. The whole kerfuffle. Characters, setting, dialogue, sub-plot and the narrative-turning device regarding the fight-fixing that the writer had pinched from On the Waterfront On the Waterfront.'

'Where to?' I asked.

'Probably to another book by the same author.' Jack sighed. 'Kind of proves we won't be long for the Well. It's the next nail in the coffin.'

'Can't we just jump into the next chapter and the discovery of the drug dealer shot dead when the undercover buy goes wrong?'

'It would never work,' said Jack, shaking his head. 'Let me see I wouldn't have known about Hawkins'

involvement with Davison's master plan. More importantly, Mickey Finn would have no reason to be killed if he didn't talk to me, so he would have been there to stop the fight before Johnson placed his three-hundred-thousand-pound bet and the heart-warming scene in the last two pages of the book with the young lad will make no sense unless I meet him here first. s.h.i.+t. There isn't a holesmith anywhere in the Well who can fill this one. We're finished, Thursday. As soon as the book figures the gym scene has gone the plot will start to spontaneously unravel. We'll have to declare literary insolvency. If we do it quick we might be able to get most of the major parts rea.s.signed to another book.'

'There must be something something we can do!' we can do!'

Jack thought for a moment.

'No, Thursday. It's over. I'm calling it.'

'Hang on,' I said. 'What if we come in again but instead of us both both walking up the stairs you start at the top, meet me coming up and explain what you have just found out. We jump straight from there to Jasper Fforde - Thursday Next 03 - The Well of Lost Plots walking up the stairs you start at the top, meet me coming up and explain what you have just found out. We jump straight from there to

chapter eight and ... you're looking at me a bit oddly.'.

'Mary-'

'Thursday.'

'Thursday. That would make chapter seven only a paragraph long!'

'Better than nothing.'

'It won't work.'

'Vonnegut does it all the time.'

He sighed.

'Okay. Lead on, maestro.'

I smiled and we jumped back three pages.

Reading, Tuesday. It had been raining all night and the rain-washed streets reflected the dour sky.

Mary was late and she met Jack walking down the stairway from an upstairs gymnasium, his feet ringing on the iron treads. ringing on the iron treads.

'Sorry I'm late,' said Mary, 'I had a puncture. Did you meet up with your contact?'

'Y-es,' replied Jack. 'Had you visited the gym which you haven't, of course you would have found it a lugubrious place that smells of sweat and dreams, where hopefuls try to spar their way found it a lugubrious place that smells of sweat and dreams, where hopefuls try to spar their way out of Reading's undercla.s.s.' out of Reading's undercla.s.s.'

'Who were you seeing?' asked Mary as they walked back to her car.

'Mickey Finn,' replied Jack, 'ex-boxer with scarred eyes and a tremor to match. He told me that Hawkins was involved with Davison's master plan. There is talk of a big s.h.i.+pment coming in on the Hawkins was involved with Davison's master plan. There is talk of a big s.h.i.+pment coming in on the fifth and he also let slip that he was going to see Jethro the importance of which I won't fifth and he also let slip that he was going to see Jethro the importance of which I won't understand until later.' understand until later.'

'Anything else?' asked Mary, looking thoughtful.

'No.'