Discworld - The Fifth Elephant Part 2

"Not a thing," he said.

"My clerks say that one like it is pushed under the door most nights," said the Patrician. "Apparently no one is seen."

"Do you want me to investigate?" said Vimes. "It shouldn't be hard to find someone in this city who dribbles when he writes and spells even worse than Carrot."

"Thank you, sir," said Carrot.

"None of the guards report noticing anyone," said the Patrician. "Is there any group in Ankh-Morpork particularly interested in the welfare of dogs?"

"I doubt it, sir."

"Then I shall ignore it pro tem," said Vetinari. He let the soggy letter splash into the wastepaper basket.

"On to more pressing matters," he said briskly. "Now, then...what do you know about Bonk?"

Vimes stared.

There was a polite cough from Carrot.

"The river or the town, sir?" he said.

The Patrician smiled. "Ah, Captain, you have long ago ceased to surprise me. Yes, I was referring to the town."

"It's one of the major towns in uberwald, sir," said Carrot, balancing the umlaut perfectly. "Exports: precious metals, leather, timber and of course fat from the deep fat mines at Shmaltzberg-"

"There's a place place called Bonk?" said Vimes, still marveling at the speed with which they'd got here from a damp letter about dogs. called Bonk?" said Vimes, still marveling at the speed with which they'd got here from a damp letter about dogs.

"Strictly speaking, sir, it's more correctly p.r.o.nounced Beyonk," said Carrot.

"Even so-"

"And in Beyonk, sir, 'morpork' sounds exactly like their words for an item of ladies' underwear," said Carrot. "There's only so many syllables in the world, when you think about it."

"How do you know know all this stuff, Carrot?" all this stuff, Carrot?"

"Oh, you pick it up, sir. Here and there."

"Really? So exactly which which item of-" item of-"

"Something extremely important will be taking place there in a few weeks," said Lord Vetinari. "Something which, I have to add, is vital to the future prosperity of Ankh-Morpork."

"The crowning of the Low King," said Carrot.

Vimes stared from Carrot to the Patrician, and back again.

"Is there some kind of circular that goes around that doesn't get as far as me?" he said.

"The dwarf community has been talking about little else for months, sir."

"Really?" said Vimes. "You mean the riots? Those fights every night in the dwarf bars?"

"Captain Carrot is correct, Vimes. It will be a grand occasion, attended by representatives of many governments. And from various Uberwald princ.i.p.alities, of course, because the Low King only rules those areas of Uberwald that are below ground. His favor is valuable. Borogravia and Genua will be there, without a doubt, and probably even Klatch."

"Klatch? But they're even farther from Uberwald than we are! What are they bothering to go for?"

He paused for a moment, and then added: "Hah. I'm being stupid. Where's the money?"

"I beg your pardon, Commander?"

"That's what my old sergeant used so say when he was puzzled, sir. Find out where the money is and you've got it half-solved."

Vetinari stood up and walked over to the big window, with his back to them.

"A large country, Uberwald," he said, apparently addressing the gla.s.s. "Dark. Mysterious. Ancient..."

"Huge untapped reserves of coal and iron ore," said Carrot. "And fat, of course. The best candles, lamp oils and soap come ultimately from the Shmaltzberg deposits."

"Why? We've got our own slaughterhouse, haven't we?"

"Ankh-Morpork uses a great many candles, sir."

"It certainly doesn't use much soap," said Vimes.

"There are so many uses for fats and tallows, sir. We couldn't possibly supply ourselves."

"Ah," said Vimes. said Vimes.

The Patrician sighed.

"Obviously I hope that we may strengthen our trading links with the various nations within Uberwald," he said. "The situation there is volatile in the extreme. Do you know know much about Uberwald, Commander Vimes?" much about Uberwald, Commander Vimes?"

Vimes, whose knowledge of geography was microscopically detailed within five miles of Ankh-Morpork and merely microscopic beyond that, nodded uncertainly.

"Only that it's not really a country," said Vetinari. "It's-"

"It's rather more what you get before before you get countries," said Carrot. "It's mainly fortified towns and fiefdoms with no real boundaries and lots of forest in between. There's always some sort of feud going on. There's no law apart from whatever the local lords enforce, and banditry of all kinds is rife." you get countries," said Carrot. "It's mainly fortified towns and fiefdoms with no real boundaries and lots of forest in between. There's always some sort of feud going on. There's no law apart from whatever the local lords enforce, and banditry of all kinds is rife."

"So unlike the home life of our own dear city," said Vimes, not quite under his breath. The Patrician gave him an impa.s.sive glance.

"In Uberwald the dwarfs and trolls haven't settled their old grievances, there are large areas controlled by feudal vampire or werewolf clans, and there are also tracts with much higher than normal background magic. It is a chaotic place, indeed, and you'd hardly think you were in the Century of the Fruitbat. It is to be hoped that things will improve, however, and Uberwald will, happily, be joining the community of nations."

Vimes and Vetinari exchanged looks. Sometimes Carrot sounded like a civics essay written by a stunned choirboy.

"Well put," said the Patrician, at last. "But until that joysome day, Uberwald remains a mystery inside a riddle wrapped in an enigma."

"Let me see if I've got this right," said Vimes. "Uberwald is like this big suet pudding that everyone's suddenly noticed, and now with this coronation as an excuse we've all got to rush there with knife, fork and spoon to shovel as much on our plates as possible?"

"Your grasp of political reality is masterly, Vimes. You lack only the appropriate vocabulary. Ankh-Morpork must send a representative, obviously. An amba.s.sador, as it were."

"You're not suggesting I should go to this affair, are you?" said Vimes.

"Oh, I couldn't send the Commander of the City Watch," said Lord Vetinari. "Most of the Uberwald countries have no concept of a modern civil peacekeeping authority."

Vimes relaxed.

"I'm sending the Duke of Ankh-Morpork, instead."

Vimes sat bolt upright.

"They are mostly feudal systems," Vetinari went on. "They set great score by rank-"

"I'm not being ordered to go to Uberwald!"

"Ordered, Your Grace?" Vetinari looked shocked and concerned. "Good heavens, I must have misunderstood Lady Sybil...She told me yesterday that a holiday a long way from Ankh-Morpork would do you the world of good..."

"You spoke spoke to Sybil?" to Sybil?"

"At the reception for the new president of the Tailors' Guild, yes. I believe you left early. You were called away. Some emergency, I understand. Lady Sybil happened to mention how you seemed to be, as she put it, constantly on the job, and one thing led to another. Oh dear, I do hope I haven't caused some marital misunderstanding..."

"I can't leave the city now now of all times!" said Vimes desperately. "There's so much to do!" of all times!" said Vimes desperately. "There's so much to do!"

"That is exactly why Sybil says you ought to leave the city," said Vetinari.

"But there's the new training school-"

"Ticking over nicely now, sir," said Carrot.

"The whole carrier pigeon network is a complete mess-"

"More or less sorted out, sir, now that we've changed their feed. Besides, the clacks seems to be functioning very well."

"We've got to get the River Watch set up-"

"Can't do much for a week or two, sir, until we've dredged up the boat."

"The drains at the Chitterling Street station are-"

"I've got the plumbers working on it, sir."

Vimes knew that he had lost. He had lost as soon as Sybil was involved, because she was always a reliable siege engine against the walls of his defenses. But there was such a thing as going down fighting.

"You know know I'm no good at diplomatic talk," he said. I'm no good at diplomatic talk," he said.

"On the contrary, Vimes, you appear to have amazed the diplomatic corps here in Ankh-Morpork," said Lord Vetinari. "They're not used to plain speech. It confuses them. What was it you said to the Istanzian amba.s.sador last month?" He riffled through the papers on his desk. "Let me see, the complaint is here somewhere...Oh yes, on the matter of military incursions across the Slipnir River, you indicated that further transgressions would involve him, personally, that is to say the amba.s.sador, and I quote 'going home in an ambulance.'"

"I'm sorry about that, sir, but it had been a long day and he was really getting on my-"

"Since when their armed forces have pulled back so far that they are nearly in the next country," said Lord Vetinari, moving the paper aside. "I have to say that your observation complied only with the general thrust thrust of my view in this matter but was, at least, succinct. Apparently you also looked at the amba.s.sador in a very threatening way." of my view in this matter but was, at least, succinct. Apparently you also looked at the amba.s.sador in a very threatening way."

"It was only the way I usually look."

"To be sure. Happily, in Uberwald you will only need to look friendly."

"Ah, but you don't want me saying things like 'how about selling us all your fat really cheap?' do you?" said Vimes, desperately.

"You will not be required to do any any negotiating, Vimes. That will be dealt with by one of my clerks, who will set up the temporary emba.s.sy and discuss such matters with his opposite numbers among the courts of Uberwald. All clerks speak the same language. negotiating, Vimes. That will be dealt with by one of my clerks, who will set up the temporary emba.s.sy and discuss such matters with his opposite numbers among the courts of Uberwald. All clerks speak the same language. You You will simply be as ducal as you can. And, of course, you will take a retinue. A staff," Vetinari added, seeing Vimes's blank look. He sighed. "People to go with you. I suggest Sergeant Angua, Sergeant Detritus and Corporal Littlebottom." will simply be as ducal as you can. And, of course, you will take a retinue. A staff," Vetinari added, seeing Vimes's blank look. He sighed. "People to go with you. I suggest Sergeant Angua, Sergeant Detritus and Corporal Littlebottom."

"Ah," said Carrot, nodding encouragingly.

"Sorry?" said Vimes. "I think there must have been a whole piece of conversation just then that I must have missed."

"A werewolf, a troll and a dwarf," said Carrot. "Ethnic minorities, sir."

"...but, in Uberwald, they are ethnic majorities majorities," said Lord Vetinari. "All three officers come from there originally, I believe. Their presence will speak volumes."

"So far it hasn't sent me a postcard," said Vimes. "I'd rather take-"

"Sir, it will show people in Uberwald that Ankh-Morpork is a multicultural society, you see?" said Carrot.

"Oh, I see. 'People like us.' People you can do business with," said Vimes, glumly.

"Sometimes," Vetinari said, testily, "it really does seem to me that the culture of cynicism in the Watch is...is..."

"Insufficient?" said Vimes. There was silence. "All right," he sighed, "I'd better go off and polish the k.n.o.bs on my coronet, hadn't I?"

"The ducal coronet, if I remember my heraldry, does not have k.n.o.bs on. It is decidedly...spiky," said the Patrician, pus.h.i.+ng across the desk of small pile of papers topped by a gold-edged invitation card. "Good. I will have a...a clacks sent immediately. You will be more fully briefed later. Do give my regards to the d.u.c.h.ess. And now, please do not let me detain you further..."

"He always says that," muttered Vimes, as the two men hurried down the stairs. "He knows I don't like being married to a d.u.c.h.ess."

"I thought you and Lady Sybil-"

"Oh, being married to Sybil is fine, fine," said Vimes hurriedly. "It's just the d.u.c.h.ess bit I don't like. Where is everyone tonight?"

"Corporal Littlebottom's on pigeon duty, Detritus is on night patrol with Swires, and Angua's on special duty in the Shades, sir. You remember? With n.o.bby?"

"Oh G.o.ds, yes. Well, when they come in tomorrow you'd better get them to report to me. Incidentally, get that b.l.o.o.d.y wig off n.o.bby and hide it, will you?" Vimes leafed through the paperwork. "I've never heard of the Low King of the Dwarfs. I thought that 'king' in Dwarfish just meant a sort of senior engineer."

"Ah, well, the Low King is rather special," said Carrot.

"Why?"

"Well, it all starts with the Scone of Stone, sir."

"The what?"

"Would you mind a little detour on the way back to the Yard, sir? It'll make things clearer."