The Best Bride Part 19

spe closed her eyes against his suffering and against the term tat ion he offered. if only she had never met sam she might have been able to respond to the gift travis offered.

but she had met sam and he had changed her.

"love isn't enough. i loved sam and look what hapned e." q q hq own twlsted way, he might have even loved'i don't appreciate the comparison. i'm not a bi am i'mogoina t a et past. i'm not going to des hoy y g qt. seer g, our life, o make it better. q'i like my life just the way it is. mandy and i don't need anyone. sam disappearedq never bothering to saw done it. he barely apologized y hy he'd g. he signed over custody of his dau hter as if she meant less to him than a car. i'm nty'er going to risk that again. never."

she knew she was p qctq qqq houting, but she couldn't help herself he much. she wouldn't take a chance, couldn't. "i know, the loving doesn't keep y she you safe."

travis moved close and placed his hands on her shoulders'i am not sam," he said, speaking slowly as if she couldn't make out the words clearly.

"i would never do that to you. what i do is a part of who i am. the ideals of my job are here-" he touched his chest, then brushed hers, just above her left breast. "and here. you know that, elizabeth. you've always known you could trust me. that's why you came home with me. that's why you're afraid now. you don't want to believe, but i'm not going to give you another choice in the matter. i'm not sam proctor. i won't leave you or lie to you. i'll take care of you and mandy. i'll be here every night to protect you"

his words were like quicksand. the more she struggled, the deeper she sank. soon she would be swallowed whole into his world. she fought against his spell. "i don't need rescuing. i'm fine on my own. why won't you believe that?"

suddenly she was free. he jerked away from her and the quicksand disappeared into nothing. his emotional bonds had snapped. she was alone, as she had requested.

he walked to the window and stared out at her front yard. the pain radiated out from him. waves and waves crashed over her, making her want to weep for both of them.

"why?" he asked, without looking at her.

she had no answer because she didn't understand the question. did he ask why she couldn't love him back, or why he had loved her at all? she didn't want to know which. he had come to the end of his journey, had shed the false covering learned from his family and had finally seen the true man inside. to what end? she was the last woman in the world to be able to give him what he needed. she would carry that guilt with her forever.

"i'm sorry," she whispered. "so very sorry. i want to be what you need, what you want, but i can't be. if it was just me, i might take the chance again. but i have to think about mandy. i won't risk either of our hearts."

"qy won't you listen?" he asked, still staring out the window. "i'm not sam: ' " i know. i just wish it was enough. " he turned then. anguish filled his face, drawing his mouth straight and tightening his j aw."

"have you considered the fact that it might be too late? " she fought the urge to step back. too late? too late because she had already fallen in love with him? "it's not." it couldn't be. he smiled then, a cold smile without humor. "you'd better pray that you're right: ' " please don't be angry with me. i wish i could explain : ' "

"no! " he crossed the room in two strides and grabbed her. this time his grip was hard and bruising. before she could start to fight, he pulled her up against him. " i'm the one who has to explain. why can't i find the words?"

"because there's nothing you can say."

"you're wrong"she expected a verbal a.s.sault. instead he began another campaign, one much more deadly to her peace of mind. he kissed her. not the hot ravis.h.i.+ng kiss she might have expected. despite his firm hold on her shoulders, his mouth was tender against hers. familiar warmth curled through her, starting at her toes and working its way up to her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. the fingers on her shoulders began to knead her tense muscles, soothing them, relaxing her to the point of weakness. he used his body to speak for him. his chest pressed against hers, offering strength and a place to rest. i, ong, powerful legs brushed her own. his arousal spoke of pa.s.sion and perhaps even love if she was foolish enough to believe.

she told herself to push him away, to be cruel to be kind. better for both of them. she raised her hands to his arms to give herself the leverage necessary to walk away; then she felt the sweet brush of his tongue on her lips.

instantly her body responded to the caress. her b.r.e.a.s.t.s swelled. already puckered nipples sought the relief of his touch. between her thighs the ache deepened as moisture dampened her panties. one last time. one last moment of pa.s.sion. one last embrace. one last chance to lean on him, to accept his strength and his comfort. while his love frightened her, she could understand and accept the solace of his body. when he knew what she had done-willingly come to him, knowing it was never going to be more than this moment-he wouldn't forgive her. she wouldn't have to bother with sending him away. he would go on his own, hating her.

he was her weakness and her greatest strength. she would be with him, fully knowing that each moment of pleasure would cause her to die a little.

she opened her mouth to him, accepting him inside. he swept over and around, touching, tasting. she stroked his shoulders and back, then moved up to slip her fingers through his curly hair. when he stepped away from her, she murmured a protest. he picked her up in his arms and carried her toward her bedroom. she clung to him, kissing his neck, tracing the line where his afternoon stubble met smooth skin, wrinkling her nose at the slightly bitter taste of his after-shave.

the king-size bed had no sheets or covers. he placed her in the center, then bent over her. before he could touch her, she began to unb.u.t.ton his s.h.i.+rt. she worked quickly, while she was able, then pulled the loose ends free of his jeans. she crushed the still-warm fabric in her hands, savoring the feql of his body heat. he sat up and shrugged out of the s.h.i.+rt.

his chest was broad and tanned, with a faint sprinkling of dark hair between his flat nipples. slipping free of his long legs, she, too, sat up, mimicking his position and pulled her own s.h.i.+rt over her head. their eyes locked. a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. she caught the spirit of their game and reached for her shoes and socks.

her athletic shoes. .h.i.t the floor the same time as his boots. she settled back on the bed, kneeling in front of him. he reached for the first b.u.t.ton on his fly. she did the same. as he unb.u.t.toned, slie unzipped.

the air around them grqew thick with tension and the heady smell of desire. her heart pounded harder and her fingers trembled. his hands moved to the waistband of his now-open jeans. she shook her head.

he raised his eyebrows questioningly. she touched his bare chest, then fingered the strap of her bra. they weren't starting from the same place. he sat back on his heels and watched.

she wanted to unfasten her bra and pull it off quickly. instead she drew her fingers up from her belly, along her ribs to her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. travis swallowed. she locked her gaze on his face, watching him watch her. his breathing increased he rested his hands on his thighs, motionless, and she could see his hardness straining against his white briefs. he was already large and swollen with desire.

slowly, very slowly, she reached for the front fastener. it released and slid open across her pale b.r.e.a.s.t.s. the laoe cups caught on her nipples. his breathing increased. she tossed her head, sending her hair back over her shoulders and freeing the bra. it drifted down her shoulders and she tossed it to the floor.

travis returned his hands to the waistband of his jeans. she matched the movement. they pulled them off together clad only in briefs and panties, they stared at each other. she was already weak with desire. every inch of her body was ready for him. her b.r.e.a.s.t.s ached, her thighs trembled. she drew down her panties. his briefs followed, freeing his engorged maleness to view.

the silence in the room was broken by the faint sound of cars pa.s.sing on the street and the occasional call of a bird. their breathing blocked out all other noises. she would have thought she would find this dance unnerving, but it aroused her. she liked knowing what she could do to him without saying a word or even touching him. she liked that his skin gleamed with perspiration and his hands shook as they hung at his sides.

their eyes met.

she raised her hand to his neck. he matched the motion she wanted to see more of him, she wanted to know what pleased him. she needed these memories to carry her through the long winter of her life.

he took her b.r.e.a.s.t.s in his hands. she covered his flat male chest. when he tweaked her nipples, she did the same. the rate of their breathing increased.

she moved her hands lower, across his belly. his hands followed. her gaze dropped to his hardened length. how powerful and male he looked.

her eyes burned as tears threatened. he moved closer, at last drawing her down on the bare mattress. he kissed her face and neck and chest, then suckled her nipples into taut points of need. she felt his hardness probing her thigh. when he would have pulled back, she reached for him drawing him closer to her waiting moisture.

he hesitated before entering. she knew he worried about her healing muscles. she didn't care about any of that. she needed him to be inside of her. she arched her hips toward him, enveloping him in her heated dampness. he groaned once and thrust forward.

the feelings were too perfect, too intense. she clutched at his back, then lower at his b.u.t.tocks, urging him deeper. her breath came in pants. he'd barely begun to move when her muscles began to convulse around him. he stared at her, obviously surprised by the suddenness of her release. fighting against her instinct to hide, she kept her eyes open, letting him see her wonder, her pleasure, her sorrow as her body spent itself. he moved back and forth, giving her all the time she needed to quiver against him, reveling in her soft cries of ecstasy. when the tension in her body had become a satisfied hum, he moved again, quickly bringing himself to the same place.

the game played on as he met her gaze, leaving his own emotions bare as his body shook with release. she saw the muscles in his chest and neck tighten, then relax. his eyes flashed with pleasure and promise, then flared with love.

as he held her close and she listened to the pounding of his heart, she at last gave in to the tears. she believed he loved her. knowing that truth, she would still leave him. the tears fell silently in mourning for all she had lost.

travis turned left onto his street and did his best not to speed. he'd left the station early, even though kyle had been giving him trouble most of the day. his brother knew him too well not to notice his sudden lack of concentration thank G.o.d nothing out of the ordinary had happened that day in glenwood. of course any kind of serious crime was pretty unusual in the small community. even so, kyle had been on him from early that morning, making comments about his big brother being at the mercy of a woman. travis had taken the teasing good-naturedly for two reasons. first, because there had been a note of envy in his brother's voice, and secondly because it was true.

he hadn't been able to think about anything but his night of making love with elizabeth. after they'd gathered themselves together yesterday afternoon, they'd left her place to pick up mandy, then had spent the evening together he grinned as he pulled into the driveway. elizabeth's car was gone, but he wasn't concerned. she'd taken it to work that morning as she'd lain in his bed with him that morning, watching the sunrise, she'd said she felt better than she had in days. he knew the feeling. being with her, holding her, telling her he loved her, had changed him, as well.

it had been a night without sleep, but he didn't care. the promises her body had whispered had been enough for him.

he stopped in front of the house and got out of the car. after reaching in the back seat, he pulled out the bottle of chilled champagne he'd picked up on his way home, and a bouquet of lilies and exotic orchids. he was bearing more than gifts. in his back pocket was a list of arguments to convince elizabeth that they helpnged together. he understood her concerns. h.e.l.l, he even shared some of them. they had both been burned in a big way. she with sam, and him with his whole d.a.m.n family. but that didn't mean they were destined to fail at love. it just meant they had to try a little harder to make it work. he took the porch stairs two at a time. the victory would be that much sweeter for their effort. she was right for him. she needed him, mandy needed him. and more important, he needed them. but he only had tonight to convince her.

he opened the front door and stepped inside. the quiet of the house was unsettling. he frowned and tried to figure out why. his brow cleared. he was used to coming home to elizabeth and mandy, but neither of them was there. even louise was off today.

he walked into the kitchen and stuck the champagne in the refrigerator. they would be back shortly. he would start talking to elizabeth then. he had to convince her. if he didn't, she would leave him in the morning. he didn't doubt that he could eventually show her that they belonged together, but he knew it would be a lot easier when they were still living in the same house. if he had to, he would resort to guerilla tactics and seduce her.

he knew she cared about him. last night her body had spoken the words for her. he' dtold her over and over that he loved her and would never hurt her. she'd heard him. he liked to think she'd believed him. he shut the refrigerator door and leaned against it. he was in love.

he shut his eyes and smiled. who would have thought it would happen to him? he'd given up hoping. all his brothers had. if he'd known what being in love was really like, he wouldn't have made the mistake of marrying julie. he knew now that had been about pride and a desire to prove everyone wrong. not the greatest basis for a marriage this time he was getting involved for all the right reasons.

he laughed out loud for the sheer joy of it, then pushed away from the refrigerator. a piece of paper caught his eye. he turned to look and saw that mandy had left him a new picture. he picked it up, staring at the three figures shown standing in front of a large white house. there was a brown blob in front of the three figures.

"it's us," he said aloud, his throat suddenly thick with emotion. mandy had drawn a family scene with him-he recognized his khaki uniform and stetson-elizabeth, and mandy herself. the brown blob was probably the puppy she wanted so much.

he put the picture back on the door, anchoring it with magnets. he would thank her when she got home. he started to walk out of the room, then paused. slowly, very slowly, he turned back and stared at the sketch. it hadn't been there that morning. he would have noticed it. which meant she'd done it that day at school. so elizabeth had picked her up, brought her home and then.

and then what? and then she'd left? for where?

a cold feeling swept over him. without thinking, he raced toward elizabeth's room. the door was partway closed. he flung it open and stared at the perfectly made double bed. the dresser was clean, the end table bare of anything save a white envelope addressed to him. he didn't have to look at the signature to know who had written the note. he recognized elizabeth's handwriting. there were no personal effects in the room, no half-packed suitcase, no nightgown hanging by the bathroom door. no smell of perfume or makeup.

he grabbed the note without reading it, then climbed the stain and entered mandy's room. his chest ached as if someone had wrapped a band around his ribs and was slowly tightening it. her room was the same as elizabeth 's: clean and impersonal, as if no one of importance had ever lived there.

he couldn't breathe, he couldn't see. he couldn't do anything except feel the pain. it surrounded him, filling every pore of his being until it darkened to black and he fought against drowning in the hopelessness. she was gone.

she'd left without giving him a chance to convince her to stay. she'd left after they'd made love throughout the night. she'd left after he'd told her how much he loved her. none of that had mattered to her. he hadn't mattered to her.

when the honed edges of the razor-sharp emotion had faded to a mind-numbing ache, he opened the envelope. several fifty-dollar bills floated to the floor. he held the single sheet of paper and read it.

thanks for your warm hospitality, travis. i don't know what we would have done without you. i hope you understand that i think it's time for mandy and me to make our own home. we were both becoming too attached to you.

it wouldn't work, you know. no matter how much we wanted it to. i wish it could have been different. i wish i could have been different. but it wasn't meant to be. i hope you find someone as wonderful as you deserve, and that we can still be friends. i need a friend like you in my life, but i'll understand if that's asking too much.

he stared at the words, studying the shape of her letters and the way her signature scrawled across the page. he thought about the champagne and the flowers, the list of arguments and how he'd a.s.sumed loving her would be enough. he crumpled the note and let it fall to the ground, then walked down the stairs and out into the coming night.

chapter fifteen.

cc how drunk are you going to get? " rebecca asked as she stretched across the leather couch in travis's family room.

travis stared at the half-empty gla.s.s in his hand, then glanced at the bottle sitting on the coffee table. there were about three more inches of scotch waiting for him. through his slightly drunken fog, he wondered how much longer it was going to take for the alcohol to allow him to forget. the liquor was dulling his senses enough for him to breathe without feeling that his chest was going to cave in, but he could still sense the broken edges of his exposed heart. he could still remember everything. d.a.m.n elizabeth abbott and d.a.m.n his own sorry hide for ever being stupid enough io care.

he drained the gla.s.s in his hand, then roqe from the leather wing chair sitting at right angles to the sofa. it was exactly three steps to the coffee table. he kept the bottle that far away deliberately. as soon as he wasn't able to navigate those three steps, he would know it was time to stop drinking.

"a lot more drunk," he said carefully, conscious of the effort it took to form words correctly.

rebecca stared at him. her dark hair was held away from her face by a headband. even though it was sat.u.r.day afternoon and most people were dressed in jeans and casual s.h.i.+rts, she wore a floral print jumper over a white silk shortsleeved s.h.i.+rt. he knew it was silk because she'd explained it to him once. he'd actually figured out the difference between it and cotton. that's how he'd known elizabeth's skin had felt like silk against his body.

he stared at her white s.h.i.+rt and wondered if it would feel like elizabeth's skin. or would it feel differently because rebecca wore it? or if he was still sober enough to grab the scotch bottle. maybe if he asked politely, rebecca would pour for him. he frowned. judging from the way she was glaring at him, he didn't think she would be willing to cooperate as if she'd read his mind, she grabbed the bottle. he held out his gla.s.s hopefully. she shook her head and set the bottle on the far side of the couch. he sighed and sagged back in his chair. he didn't have a prayer of getting that far. not with the buzz filling his head or the weakness in his legs. his coordination was shot. he just wished a benefit of his condition included a lapse in memory.

"i want to talk to you while you're still reasonably sober," rebecca said, settling down on the edge of the sofa closest to him.

"terrific. pour me another drink-then i'll listen."

"i'm your friend, so no, i'm not going to pour you anything else. you're drunk enough. in the morning, you're going to wish you were never born."

he set the gla.s.s on the floor next to him."

"i already wish i hadn't been born. nothing's going to change that."

"elizabeth needs time."

"what the h.e.l.l are you talking about?"

"this isn't about you, travis. this leaving. she needs some time to find her way. you've got to give her that: she spoke slowly and patiently, as if dealing with a slow-witted child. he thought about protesting, but he didn't think he could get the words out. his tongue was getting thicker by the minute, and who had started spinning the room?

he leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes. that was better. "of course it's about me," he said carefully. "i'm the one she left."

"fool: she said the word affectionately. he thought about taking offense, but he didn't have the energy. " you're her knight in s.h.i.+ning armor. unfortunately, your timing couldn't have been worsq."

that comment was almost worth opening his eyes foralmost'that's me. a knight. show me the dragon. i'll slay it. maybe it'll slay me instead. that would be better: ' "

"travis: ' he held up his hand, then let it drop to his side. when had his arm gotten so heavy? "sorry. didn't mean to get maud... maud.. : what was that word?"

"maudlin? " she offered.

"yeah. that. so my timing stinks. nah. it's not that. it's me. i tried. not supposed to try. forgot who i was: he rubbed his hand over his face, then grimacqd as he felt two days' worth of stubble. he hadn't shaved that morning. hadn't done anything exrept drink more scotch and try to forget. he couldn't forget; he made a lousy drunk.

"you've got it all wrong," rebecca said, sounding slightly impatient.

"i know." he risked opening his eyes. rebecca was glaring at him. he closed his lids again to shut her out. "it was all pretty pointless from the beginning. who was i trying to kid? she figured it out. that i couldn't do it. not the right type. who'd want me for her kid's father?"

"i would."

travis looked at her. "you're just saying that because i'm your friend and you have to be nice to me." he got so caught up in being pleased that he'd completed such a long sentence that he almost forgot what they were talking about.

rebecca stood up and moved over until she was standing in front of him, looking down. fire flashed in her eyes. she planted her hands on her hips, her chest heaved. she wasn't built like elizabeth. rebecca's curves were subtle. he'd never cared one way or the other because he'd never really been attracted to her. it didn't mean anything. but he still admired her.

"you are so beautiful," he said wistfully, wis.h.i.+ng that staring at her got him aroused. he only had to think about elizabeth and he was ready to make love, but rebecca left him with a warm fuzzy feeling and zero pa.s.sion. the great cosmic joke.

rebecca drew in a deep breath, then let out a laugh and sank to the floor. she knelt between his legs and rested her hands on his thighs. "you need your b.u.t.t kicked."

"that's pretty harsh." he raised his eyebrows, or thought he did. his face was getting numb.

"you're thinking about yourself, travis, and none of this is about you at all. it's about elizabeth. she's got the problem, not you. finally you've figured out that you can make a relations.h.i.+p work. i think that's terrific. you're right, you do love her, and she left you: her big eyes grew sad as they met his own. " find it in your heart to forgive her. she's running because she's afraid. that's good. that means she cares back."

he covered rebecca's hands and squeezed tight. "if it's so good, why does it feel so bad?"

"because she hurt you. but hang in there. give her time to understand what she's given up. she'll come around. i promise."

his face was completely numb, his tongue thick, his legs heavy beyond movement. none of it helped. he could still feel the sharp stabs of pain in his chest and gut."

"i told her i loved her," he said, softly. he had to look away from his friend's compa.s.sionate gaze. " i promised her the world, and she left anyway."

"give her time."

"why? nothing will change." he forced his thick lips into a smile. "i can't blame her for leaving me. look at what sam did to her. look at who i am. there's no way she's going to get past my reputation. i'm the last man on earth she'd ever want. that's why i'm drinking, rebecca. so i can forget the truth."

she touched her cool hand to his cheek."

"is it helping?"