The Wayfarer's Lamentation Part 22

"I'm not going to tell you to memorize math formulas or work on problem sets at this point. Today you need to stay warm and go to bed early. If you get sick, your F-level skills will drop to about a J."

I took off my gloves, too, grabbed Tohko's hands, and pulled them on her.

Tohko pouted firmly and protested. "I got up to a D on the last prep cla.s.s test, you know. I'm good at the real thing, so I ought to be able to exploit my abilities for a C or a B, then."

"That wouldn't be ability; that would be dumb luck or a miracle."

"Then I'll go perform a miracle."

The book girl with the pure white scarf around her throat and the slightly large gloves on her hands smiled brilliantly like a ray of light.

I was astounded at how cavalier she was, but at the same time, I was a little relieved that she wasn't nervous or anything for the test day.

Tohko buried her neck in my scarf, pressed her gloved hands to her face.

"So waaaaaarm."

She whispered happily, walking with even lighter steps than before.

Her long braids bobbed.

Even on a gloomy road at night, just having someone nearby made me feel warm. Moving forward, courage welled up in me.

"Well, I go this way."

At the point where our paths separated, Tohko spun back around toward me.

"Thank you for the scarf and gloves. I'll give them back to you in the clubroom on Monday."

"Oh, Tohko-"

I stopped Tohko as she started moving away and pulled a pencil case out of my bag.

Tohko inclined her head quizzically. I frantically told her to wait, opened the case, grabbed a mechanical pencil I always used to write improv stories, and held it out to her.

"Take this with you to the test tomorrow. It'll be a good luck charm to make miracles happen."

Why had I done something so embarra.s.sing, so unscientific, and so unlike me?

I was sure it was because I wanted to give something back to Tohko since she'd tried so hard to cheer me up.

Tohko's eyes went round, and she looked at me, flushed.

My cheeks were burning, too.

Her gloved hands suddenly and gently enfolded my hand, which was tightly gripping the pencil.

Lowering her long eyelashes and dipping her head slightly, a small smile came over Tohko's lips.

"Then you need to fill this pencil up completely with your feelings, Konoha. Pray that I'll be able to knock out the math problems."

I rested my other hand on top of Tohko's, bowed my head in embarra.s.sment, and murmured, "I pray that a miracle happens, and Tohko can solve her math problems like they're nothing and pa.s.s the test for her first-choice school."

In the darkness that was so bitingly cold that our exhaled breath showed white, at the empty crossroads, standing so close that our foreheads almost touched, feeling the warmth of each other's bodies and my raging heartbeat-I transmitted the words from my heart through the tips of my fingers.

The fingers on the hand I touched though the gloves grew sharply warmer.

Tohko raised her face.

"Thank you."

Her black eyes softened, and she smiled with heaps of happiness. Clutching the mechanical pencil preciously, she moved off.

"I think I'll do all right tomorrow, thanks to you, Konoha."

"Don't dawdle; go straight home. And stop doing stupid stuff like losing yourself in a book in the bath and not noticing that the water got cold and catching a fever. And don't hang around with wet hair; dry it really well and then go straight to bed. Don't forget to set your alarm."

"Okaaay."

As she grew more distant, she waved the hand clutching the mechanical pencil brightly, a smile on her face.

I watched her go for a long, long time, until her slender form disappeared into the darkness of the night.

I have to take back what was stolen from me.

You think I'm going to stand to lose a single thing more?

Even when I do it now, it doesn't help. Filthy words pour out of the trash can, my mind doesn't function properly, and my heart just shatters.

Take it back; you're gonna take it back.

Throw your heart into limbo, steel your gaze, and listen up.

It's not going well. I couldn't sleep again today. I'm scared of the night pa.s.sing away and dawn coming.

When I see from inside my cold room that the sun is rising into the pale, lightening sky, I feel like I'm being judged and suffering a punishment. I feel as if my body is being torn apart in the brilliant light that clarifies everything.

Don't be weak! Even if my body breaks down in shambles, even if my limbs snap off, even if I trade my life for it, I will take it back.

Oh, if I do that, I know I'll reach the star of happiness.

And maybe there I'll finally learn what "true happiness" is. In that warm, pure holy land, maybe I'll be able to sleep peacefully.

Note: Today there were fifty calls.

I thought I'd turned off the sound, but every time the phone vibrated, the ring tone filled my brain.

Even if I moved the phone somewhere I couldn't see it, it would keep on ringing forever.

Just stop already! Just stop! The trash can is full, and it's already overflowing! Don't throw any more trash in it!

I hate you, B! Traitor! Demon!

A call from Mom, too. She's mad because she says I asked her to come. Dad is coming next week. Shut up!

Stop ringing, phone!

Just shut up, every one of you!

I'm tired of it!

The weekend of the National Center Test, it rained both days.

As I listened to the cold sound of sleet mixed with the rain in my heated room, I wondered to myself whether Tohko was filling in the answer sheet with my mechanical pencil right now.

And then I thought about Kotobuki.

About Akutagawa.

About Miu...

Miu shouting at me with pained eyes when I asked her what I could do to make her forgive me; that if I wanted that, I had to grant Campanella's wish.

I wanted to reach an answer.

I spread open the map we'd made together on my desk and looked it over again.

That day, when we'd promised to go to the ends of the universe together, our spirits had definitely been nestled together. I wanted to be able to face Miu's true self without looking or running away like I had up until now, so I didn't want to deny the fact that we had spent peaceful, easy days together, too.

While I was still gazing at the universe drawn in a rainbow of colored pencils, my mother came into my room.

"Konoha, I made steamed bread. Let's have some tea. Oh...that's-"

She saw the map on top of my desk, and her face clouded over.

"I found it in the back of a drawer."

"Oh."

My mother faltered, then lowered her eyes and fell silent. Then she raised her gaze again slightly and hesitantly asked, "Konoha...you seem to be getting hurt a lot these last few days. Did something happen?"

She broke off, then pushed forward.

"Does it...have something to do with Miu?"

When Akutagawa had come over and when I'd come home with a bruise on my face, I'd told my mother, "It's nothing," and she hadn't pursued it any further.

But she'd probably been worried the whole time.

I turned my chair around to face her.

"...Yeah, I've been seeing Miu recently. She came back to the hospital she was at before, and that's where I saw her."

Surprise showed in my mother's eyes. I looked up at her, and with all my heart, I said, "Miu's still doing physical therapy. She's been through a lot...and she looks like she's having a tough time, so I wanted to do what I could for her."

It appeared that my mother was doing her best to suppress her reaction. She was staring straight into my eyes, and in a voice that sounded melancholy, she whispered, "I see...Miu's come back..."

"Mom, you told me before that you thought I should play with other kids besides Miu, remember? Why did you say that?"

My mother bowed her head again in hesitation.

But when all I did was wait, her eyes looked sad, and she told me.

"Because I saw Miu do something bad..."

"Something bad?"

"I was at the supermarket...and Miu put an electric razor into her pocket...and left the store without paying for it."

I gasped.

Miu had shoplifted?!

"It was so sudden, I didn't have a chance to say anything...She looked very comfortable doing it. And I was so very surprised that my feet wouldn't budge."

Now that she mentioned it, I recalled that there had been an electric razor among Miu's treasures.

And there were weird things mixed in besides, like toothpaste, a shovel, canned cat food.

And then there was the time I'd seen Miu at the discount shop- Why had Miu been fixated on the shelf of men's hair care products back then?

When she'd turned her back on me with a swirl of her skirt, hadn't it looked like she'd had a small bottle or something in her hand that seemed to flash in the light, and then it had disappeared into her skirt?

What-what if Miu's collection were the spoils of her shoplifting?

Sweat slicked my palms, and I held my breath. But then my mother informed me of something even more shocking.

"That's not all. When Maika was a baby, Miu tried to make her eat soap."

My mother dropped her eyes in pain.

"Maika was in the living room that day, and I was taking in laundry in the yard. When I came back, Miu had pried Maika's mouth open with one hand, and she was trying to push a piece of soap about the size of her thumb into it.

"She came to a stop in a daze. She said that she'd come down to use the bathroom. And that when she came down, Maika looked like she wanted to play, so she played with her. She said she thought it would be okay if Maika ate the soap because it smelled good. She was dejected.