The Wayfarer's Lamentation Part 19

My heart stopped, and I started to stand up reflexively. My chair clattered and tilted back.

Kotobuki had called Tohko?!

What had she talked to Tohko about? What had Tohko thought when she heard it? The sight of Kotobuki running from the hospital room in tears came to my mind, and it felt like my chest was ripping apart.

"Your old girlfriend...her name's Miu, right? That's a cute name."

How did he know Miu's name?! Stop-I don't want to talk about this! I started to tell him that, but Ryuto murmured meaningfully, "That's the same name as that author, Miu Inoue."

My throat clamped shut, and I lost my voice. Had he heard that from Tohko? Or was he trying to trick me into revealing something?

Sweat broke out on my palm around the paper cup, and it grew sticky and gross. After a long time I whispered, "That's true."

Looking at me with a gaze stuck fast like glue, Ryuto went on talking about Miu Inoue.

"I just happened to read her book recently, y'know. At the end of the book, there're reviews from the judges, and they were layin' it on thick. Stuff like 'This is the birth of a new generation of writers with lush sensibility' and 'a world you can't help but love, overflowing with clarity' and, well, they also had judges who said harsh stuff like 'I wonder whether this writer is capable of producing other works, too.'

"Other than the people who said, 'The last scene was extraneous' and 'Everything is overwrought,' there were no complaints about it gettin' the grand prize. It was unanimous, right? That's pretty impressive for someone who was still a fourteen-year-old in middle school."

"...What did you think of her when you read it?" I asked in a hoa.r.s.e voice. The edges of Ryuto's mouth relaxed, but his eyes still seemed pitying.

"It's a pretty story. I'm sure the author is a pure, happy person who's real sensitive to stuff."

The word "pretty" shot into me like an arrow slathered in poison. I felt like it would stop my heart.

"Sorry, I should get going."

I couldn't take it anymore, and I left the restaurant without him.

I moved quickly down the street through the frigid night, panting in white clouds.

Akutagawa had said that Miu had flaws, that she was just an ordinary girl.

I had thought of her as something clean, like an angel, and had done nothing but hopelessly adore her. My feelings for Miu were as transparent as water and shone like light.

Had Miu perhaps suffered as the object of these feelings?

Had my love been a burden to her?

"If I were a beautiful, pure person, and I love-love-loved Chee and only Chee and saw her as the most absolutely precious thing in the world-Chee wouldn't be able to face the shame, and she'd be forced to commit suicide for real."

Takeda's last boyfriend hadn't known her true character.

He saw only the surface when he fell for her. So she'd had no choice but to distance herself from him.

Had that been the case for Miu, too?

A dark storm was raging inside my brain. The cold north wind pounded mercilessly against my swollen face.

Somebody-somebody tell me!

Had I hurt Miu first?

How woeful. You're going to be all alone soon.

Haraguchi slapped you? And said she hated you?

I'm sure she does.

That's because I told her you belong to me. I said, "We even did it. Do you mind my leftovers? He told me that you were into him even though you're all misshapen and you wouldn't leave him alone, and he laughed about you in front of me."

Haraguchi's face when I said that-oh, man. It turned bright red, there were tears in her eyes, and she was shaking; she was a total mess.

You don't go play with Mine much anymore, do you?

What happened? I thought you two were best friends.

But still he's so distant and selfish with you. What an awful person.

It's got to be because you broke so many promises to him. Oh well. After all, he did say I couldn't come.

All you did was obey what I told you, so you didn't do anything wrong. Mine's the one who did something wrong, talking to my dog, touching you, taking you out as if it was his right.

We put a nail in that by telling him not to bother my dog ever again, so it's fine. Mine was pretty angry and worked up. He interrogated me, but you told him I wasn't the kind of person who would say something that despicable, so all Mine could do was retreat, spouting off his complaints.

That's how you came to be all alone.

You lost everyone around you except for me.

Ahhhh, that felt so good. It was amazing.

You need to be even more alone.

You need to be cut to shreds, dragged through the mud, so you come apart in tatters.

You need to feel such despair that you lament and can't stand back up You know if that happens I'll stroke your hair and tell you stories.

You're my dog, so if you act like it and stay loyal, I'll feed you and torment you for eternity, your life at my mercy.

Note: Bulcanillo's experiment.

That girl is the most obnoxious one. But I can't make a move yet. I have to gather my strength.

It took a few days for the bruises on my face to become less obvious. During that time, I couldn't go to the hospital. Because if she saw my face, she would definitely ask what had happened.

When I texted Miu that some family business meant I wouldn't be able to go see her for a little while, her reply came back saying, I want you to come soon. It hurts to not be able to see you for even a day. It hurt me to read that.

Was Akutagawa meeting up with her? The day after my fight with him, the two of us were called to the guidance counselor's office, and our head teacher asked us what was going on. But we kept our mouths stubbornly shut, so we were sent back with only a warning. We left the room together, but we returned to the cla.s.sroom separately without speaking a word to each other.

When I thought of how he and Miu were talking behind my back, I p.r.i.c.kled. I thought about texting Miu to ask, but the thought seemed petty, and I never managed to do it-not when I still didn't know what Campanella wished for.

On the other hand, the thing about Kotobuki and Tohko continued to bother me.

Kotobuki was still hurting. Tohko could be worried.

Omi had asked me to look after Kotobuki, and I wanted to return her feelings, so what in the world was I doing?

After school on Thursday, I went to the school library and found Takeda at the front desk.

"h.e.l.lo, Konoha. I'm sorry I surprised you the other day."

She bowed primly and smiled affably.

Her straightforward smile made my chest throb.

"...Don't force yourself, Takeda. If you're hurting, you can say so."

"Hee-hee-hee, I'm fine, reeeeeally. Wanting to die is starting to, like, be a habit for me. Don't worry about it, okay? Next week there's a sale I've been looking forward to, and I promised some friends that I'd go see a movie with them, and I haven't even used my half-price ticket for griddled monja cakes yet, so I can't die."

Takeda didn't care in the slightest about sales or movies or monja cakes. At that thought, I felt even more morose.

"I want you to go visit Nanase at the hospital instead of worrying about me. I've been sending her texts for a while, but there's never any answer so I'm worried about her. She's usually really good about responding."

I couldn't tell her that the reason Kotobuki wasn't answering was that Miu had thrown her cell phone out the window.

Instead, I said, "Takeda, you were upset because you couldn't feel the same things as other people, but you're worrying about me and Kotobuki. You're a normal girl and kind."

When I said that, Takeda's expression suddenly became vacant, and she murmured sadly, "You think so? Do I really...seem normal? When you and Tohko saved me up on the roof, I...thought maybe I'd be able to change. That maybe I'd be able to live my life like a normal girl.

"And, Konoha, you told me...I had to live.

"That I had to reach a different place than Shuji had.

"But I still feel empty suddenly...and want to die...

"I thought so many times that I was all right now...but I would go back to how I used to be...I was on a loop...

"Do you really think I'm different than before? Do you think...I've changed a little?"

As she looked up at me, her eyes wavered with pain and anxiety.

It wrung my heart out.

I was just like Takeda.

I thought I wouldn't get lost anymore, I thought I wouldn't be afraid, thought I'd gotten stronger; I believed I'd become smart enough, matured enough to avoid hurting people. The experience I had piled up, my shreds of confidence, broke down easily and knocked me back to where I'd started. I b.u.mped into things everywhere in the darkness and stayed lost.

I couldn't reach the place I was aiming for.

As things were, what I was able to tell Takeda wasn't true, but...

I wanted to encourage her just a little, and I pushed aside the pain and forced a smile.

"Yeah. In my eyes, you seem like a normal girl."

A faint smile came over Takeda's face, too.

"...Thank you."

"I'll go to the hospital tomorrow."

"Hee-hee, good."

She spoke in a cheerful voice, but then her eyes were suddenly anxious again, and she lowered her voice.

"Um...you shouldn't get too close to Ryu, Konoha."

She must have her guard way up. I felt sorry for Ryuto after all. Just as I was about to follow up with her about it, her eyes slipped lower, and in a terribly pained voice, she said, "He's a scary person."

The words on their way out of my mouth stopped in my throat.

Takeda lifted her eyes immediately and grinned.

"Well, I've got work to do. When you see Nanase, can you ask her to return my texts?"

The next day I was, unsurprisingly, lingering in the hallway at the hospital.

Did I need to go see Kotobuki? At this point, even if I apologized, I would only be defending myself, and it wouldn't change the fact that I'd hurt her. Maybe Kotobuki didn't even want to see me.

I thought it over until my head throbbed and then turned toward Miu's room.

I would try to ask Miu exactly how Kotobuki got hurt. I would face Miu without running away, and with that done, I would go apologize to Kotobuki.

My emotions taut, I knocked on the door to her room.

There was no answer.

When I opened the door and peeked inside, I saw it was empty.

"Maybe she went for a test."

I walked to the window. There were some Persian b.u.t.tercups arranged in the vase on the table beside her bed. The flowers were still fresh, and the vase was full of life. My heart grew muddled, and when I turned my eyes away, they came to rest on the book at her pillow.

A faded sky-blue cover. My book!