Assholeology. Part 20

Hire out as a relations.h.i.+p a.s.sistant Guys need as much help as they can get when it comes to keeping up with the women in their lives. Why not become the George to your friend's Jerry and help stay on top of him meeting his girlfriend's (or wife's) needs? You can keep her schedule straight for him, send flowers and chocolates on special occasions, and remember all those "little things" he always forgets. Just don't get found out-it could be the end of you both.

Turn tools into gentlemen Think you have enough style and cla.s.s to persuade some beer chugging frat guys to change their ways? Put together a plan and pitch it to them (and their girlfriends/mothers). With the popularity of shows like Tool Academy, there's definite interest in these male-Pygmalion transformations.

Perk up wallflowers Some people just need a push to be social. Be the one who gives them that encouraging shove. Hire out as an advisor to shy guys and gals who want to take a more active role in life. Be careful though-once you release the beast, you might not be able to contain it.

Be a wingman for hire When you're looking to score with an attractive member of the opposite s.e.x, a wingman always helps. Market yourself as the ultimate wingman (including "testimonials" from previous "customers") and post an ad on craigslist or the entertainment section on your city's newspaper's website. Be ready to help out the socially inept, and possibly enlist the help of a hired target so that your efforts don't prove fruitless.

Become a creativity coach Everyone has an idea for a book or a movie. If you're creatively inclined (and don't feel bad taking advantage of wannabe artists), post your profile on CreativityCoachinga.s.sociation.com. As their own website states, CCCA "has not and cannot perform any verification of a coach's background or qualifications." Whaddya know? You're in.

Work as a life coach One part personal a.s.sistant, one part therapist-100 percent bulls.h.i.+t. Yet thousands of people think they need a life coach. If you're an organized, somewhat sensitive person, help a brother out and coach him to improve his life. Odds are, if someone thinks they need a life coach, they probably do.

Act as a s.e.x instructor Most people want to be better in bed. Why not lead a cla.s.s to help them do so? While you can't demonstrate the act, you can give tips to people to boost their confidence, in turn allowing them to cut loose more in bed. Be warned: you'll probably have to imagine your students doing the ol' b.u.mp and grind, which may or may not be a bad thing.

Start a March Madness pool March is the one time of year when the whole country pays attention to college basketball. Consider your office-do most of them know more about Top Chef than college ball? Take advantage of their NCAA naivete and start a pool-skimming an organizer's fee from the pool. Hey, you did have to use a ruler to make that grid so straight.

Start a death pool Amy Winehouse. Your grandmother. Those guys from Jacka.s.s. Odds are, these people are not going to be around much longer. Why not work through your grief and make some money? Start an online death pool and allow users to place bets on the next person to kick the bucket. Keep a percentage of the profit, and get ready for the corpses to start piling up.

Sell wedding vows These days, tons of women are ditching traditional vows and putting together their own personal take on "till death do us part." That leaves a lot of grooms with their thumbs up their a.s.ses. If you have writing credentials, submit your resume to wedding planners and event venues, offering you services as a "vow consultant." Charge per word and think of lots of ways to say, "I love you," without ever meeting the intended recipient.

While some of these may sound like harebrain schemes-and some really actually are-you have to remember, it's all about confidence. If you believe it, they'll believe it. And if they believe it, they'll pay you to do it. Taking money from a fool is so easy it should be illegal.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH Actually, most of these side-operations are probably illegal. Therefore it's best to keep your hustle on the down low. No matter how good of an a.s.shole you are, you can't beat the law.

FAQs: Frequent a.s.shole Questions.

1. Why do I want to be an a.s.shole?

Why not? Are things going so well right now? It's an experiment- like going vegan or not biting your nails. Except this book is a good idea. You should want to get ahead in life. This book, these ideals, will help you achieve that goal. Do you want to get ahead in life? (You shouldn't be thinking that question over.) 2. Is it okay for people to see me reading this book?

Yes. Don't be one of those douche bags that pretends to "accidentally" stumble onto a helpful book in the bookstore. Don't pretend you're just wandering aimlessly while you're really reading book t.i.tles out of the corner of your eye, constantly looking down the aisles for someone that might recognize you. And don't feel you need to buy this book along with three others so the cas.h.i.+er doesn't pay as much attention. It's okay: People can see you looking for it in the store. People can see you purchasing it. People can even see you reading it over a cup of overpriced coffee in that little bookstore cafe.

3. If I become an a.s.shole and someone calls me an a.s.shole, should I be offended?

No. You should hug them and say, "Thank you for noticing." Ask them what made them realize you were an a.s.shole-and take notes. Ask what you could work on in the future and to rate you on how big of an a.s.shole you were. Pick their jaw up from off the floor. This is great stuff.

4. Let's say I have this friend, Lee. He's a douche bag.

Is it possible for me . . . I mean Lee . . . to take a step back and become an a.s.shole? It is possible. We have the technology. A douche bag is just an a.s.shole that has gone too far. He is able to change as long as he's willing to reel back his d-bag tendencies and tone them down to a more tolerable a.s.shole level. The first step is to recognize the douche bag moves and quit them cold turkey. (Stop picking on weak people. Stop being a follower. Stop spraying yourself with so much cologne.) We realize this is probably harder than it sounds. However, acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step. Now, you (or Lee) just have to put the a.s.shole att.i.tude in practice. Either do that or you'll get the s.h.i.+t kicked out of you. Both are acceptable outcomes.

5. Is it possible this approach just won't work?

It will always work if the person is willing to work for it. Becoming an a.s.shole involves an open mind and a strong will. If it doesn't work, you don't have the moxie to put the plan in action. It happens. At least you gave it a shot. Now please wander over to the self-help section and pick up Living with Mom in My Forties.

6. I'm really bad with face-to-face confrontation; can all this be accomplished through other mediums like e-mail, text, and telephone?

Yes and no. You can communicate what needs to be said through the aforementioned technologies. But that's p.u.s.s.ying out. And that's not how an a.s.shole does it. Plus, it's much more fun in the flesh. It's an exhilarating feeling. Being an a.s.shole to a person's face gets addicting. You'll want to do it all the time-to friends, coworkers, strangers, and your douche bag uncle at Thanksgiving dinner.

7. Should a.s.shole behavior be adapted according to geographic area? For example, an a.s.shole in New York may reap the benefits of adopting the att.i.tude, but an a.s.shole in Alabama could get the tar kicked out of him.

No, it's a one-plan-fits-all type of deal. Location doesn't matter. This works across the country-from the skysc.r.a.pers of New York to the rainy streets of Seattle. The a.s.shole approach is universal.

8. My girlfriend is taking advantage of me. Is it possible to change the situation by learning to be an a.s.shole?

Yes. Nothing is ever permanent. There are millions of lessons and approaches to learn from this book to see changes in your relations.h.i.+p in a matter of months, weeks, even days. h.e.l.l, you can change the path of your current relations.h.i.+p with a few simple steps right now. First, read this book cover to cover. Second, dump her a.s.s. Last, find a better woman.

9. How do I know when I'm around another a.s.shole? Is there a handshake or gesture?

Yes. There is an incredibly intricate scripted dance that every a.s.shole must learn to become part of the tribe . . . Tool. a.s.s-holes just know their own kind. They recognize the characteristics of themselves in another person. Even though we are all friends, never approach another a.s.shole. It's a silent brother- hood, kind of like all motorcycle riders or guys that watch HGTV.

a.s.sholes just know their own kind.

10. If I'm an a.s.shole, and don't like the change, is it possible to go back to my old self?

This isn't a s.e.x change. It's not permanent. You can always go back to being a d.i.c.kless pushover. Wow. Maybe there is a s.e.x change involved. We stand corrected.

11. This book would be great for my dad. Is there an a.s.shole age limit?

The a.s.shole philosophy knows no age. A person can become an a.s.shole at any point in his life. Even though he's older, Dad might still have a job to advance in or personal relations.h.i.+ps to dominate. There are still mountains to climb even if parts of Dad's body don't exactly feel like a rock anymore. Now let's take a moment to stop thinking about Dad's erectile dysfunction, and move on to the next question . . .

12. How does becoming an a.s.shole stack up against other "self-help" processes?

Every self-help theory is loosely based on the principles of being an a.s.shole. They all teach the idea that you are the most important person and to do what's best for your personal well-being. Of course, most are based in mumbo jumbo that only clouds the thought process and dilutes the a.s.shole philosophy. Forget that bulls.h.i.+t.

13. I've been peeing blood for the past week. What's that all about?

Wow. Wrong book my friend. We recommend something in the medical section of the bookstore or maybe seeing a f.u.c.k-ing doctor. Good luck with that.

14. How quickly should I begin to incorporate these teachings?

Got something better to do? We recommend immediate action, but we'll cut you some slack and say to give it a shot as soon as you feel comfortable. Think of this book as a college text. Just don't buy it and then sell it back for beer money without ever opening it. Read. Reread. Take notes. Study. And unlike school, it's always encouraged to sneak a peek ahead.

15. I've got a newborn son. Is it too soon to start teaching him how to be an a.s.shole?

A small child is like a sponge. It's never too soon to start planting the seeds. Think of teaching him the a.s.shole way as you would a sport, or a different language, or any complex lesson that needs years to cultivate and mature. Start small with lessons on how to pick on the cla.s.s bully, take what he deserves, and deal with his nagging mother (as soon as you figure that out).

16. Who the h.e.l.l do you guys think you are?

a.s.sholes. Thought that was obvious.

An a.s.shole.

Abroad.

In case you decide to become the a.s.shole Traveler, here's a list of translations for the word "a.s.shole." You'll want to know when you're getting recognized.

Arabic BAUSH.

Czech VOSEL.

Dutch KLOOTZAK.

Finnish PASKIAINEN.

French CONNARD.

German ARSCHLOCH.

Greek MALaKAS.

Hungarian SEGGFEJ.

Icelandic FiFL.

Indonesian BRENGSEK.

Italian STRONZO.

j.a.panese KUSOTTARE.

Maltese TOQBI.

Mandarin HuNQIu Norwegian Ra.s.sHL.

Persian KOSKESH.

Polish DUPEK.

Portuguese PENTELHO.

Russian MUDaK.

Serbian SHUPAK.

Slovak KOKOT.

Spanish GILIPOLLAS.

Swahil M'KUNDU Swedis ARSLE.

Urud GANDH.

About the Authors.

Steven B. Green.

Is an experienced actor/screenwriter/comedian, with several more slashes that shall remain nameless. He has appeared in musicals and plays off-Broadway, as well as in television shows and commercials. For many years, he performed with the Gotham City Improv Company in New York City. Currently, he performs stand-up in Los Angeles, improvisational comedy at the L.A. Connection, and teaches improv to kids and animals. Green lives at home in Los Angeles with his wife, three children, two dogs, and too many freaking cats. He realized during the writing process that he lost his a.s.shole edge. So with the royalties from this book, he hopes to get back in touch with his a.s.shole side and reclaim his place among the greatest a.s.sholes of our time.

Dennis LaValle.

As one of Hollywood's top acting coaches, Dennis LaValle has dealt with his fair share of "not-ready-for-primetime" a.s.sholes. A graduate of New York University and now a transplanted Angelino, LaValle likes to think of himself as a bicoastal a.s.shole in the best sense of the term. A cla.s.sically trained actor, whose stage credits include numerous Shakespearean productions, he is, alas, best known as the goofy cowboy from the Pace Picante commercials. LaValle credits his beautiful wife Jeanne and their two kids for saving him from a life of meaningless s.e.xual interludes ending in an alcohol-induced death face-down in the gutter.

Chris Illuminati.

Is not really an a.s.shole, he just acts like one every possible moment of the day. He fancies himself some type of authority and is a regular contributor to sites like AskMen.com, Asylum.com, and TheBachelorGuy.com. He writes about relations.h.i.+ps, careers, and s.e.x. He lives in New Jersey with his wife and cat Stephen. Yes, that is his real last name.

end.