Wappin' Wharf Part 17

a baby aligator. A stuffed rhinocopoterus is pos'-lutely nothin'.

Askin' yer pardon fer speakin' so plain. I does all yer thinkin' for yer. There 's some folks settin' here as are fat-headed, and thinks s.h.i.+ps' lanterns explode.

PATCH: Easy now, ol' dear. Yer alers pitchin' inter me, 'cause I 'm good-natered.

CAPTAIN: Red Joe, I calls yer a dirty spy. A swab! A landlubber! Fer one copper farthin' I 'd ketch yer one with this hook.

DUKE: It was me discovered him. I asks yer, Captain, ter leave Red Joe ter me. I hates him most perticerler.

(_Betsy enters from the kitchen._)

BETSY: Did you call, Captain?

DARLIN': n.o.body ain 't callin' yer, dearie. Now jest toddle back to the kitchen.

DUKE: This ain 't no place fer a leetle girl. It will give yer bad dreams. Mince pie 's nothin'.

(_Betsy attempts to leave the cabin by the door that leads to the cliffs--the door at the rear of the cabin._)

DUKE: Where you goin', Betsy?

BETSY: I 've an errand in the village.

DUKE: Well, yer ain 't goin'. It ain 't no night fer a leetle girl ter be out. I ain 't goin' ter have me d.u.c.h.ess snifflin' with a cold. Go to grandma! It was me discovered him, Captain. I 'm askin' yer a favor. He 's a snooper.

PATCH: Captain, I gets rusty.

CAPTAIN: Lay off, me hearties. Duke! Patch! I loves both o' yer. I loves yer equal, like two mugs o' grog as is full alike. Yer can pitch dice ter see which does it.

(_He places the dice cup on the table beside the candle. The Duke and Patch take their places. Betsy, under cover of this centered interest, runs to Red Joe, who whispers to her._)

DUKE: I drops 'em in me mug, so 's they can get a smell o' rum. The leetle bones is me friends. I never throws less 'n a five spot. I makes a pint o' shakin' the bones till they rattles jolly. I likes the sound o' it even better 'n the blessed sc.r.a.pin' o' a spoon what 's stirrin' grog. Write it on me tombstone--if I rots ash.o.r.e--He was the kinder feller as never throwed less 'n a five spot.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "The leetle bones is me friends"]

CAPTAIN: Go 'long, Duke. Bones, as is kept waitin', sulks.

PATCH: One or three?

DUKE: One 's enough. I 'm talkin' to yer, bones. I wants sixes, sweeties.

(_As he throws Betsy jostles the candle with her arm. It overturns and falls. The cabin is dark. You can see her run from the cabin and pa.s.s the windows to the left._)

DUKE: Now yer done it!

PATCH: You is all thumbs, Betsy.

CAPTAIN: Easy, mates! It were jest an accident. Betsy, fetch a seacoal from the hearth! Betsy! We ain 't goin' ter wallop yer. Where are yer, Betsy?

DARLIN': Come out o' yer hidin'!

CAPTAIN: I 'll light the candle meself.

(_He takes it to the fire, lights it and returns to the table._)

CAPTAIN: There yer are--blazin' like ol' Petey. Yer had better sit down, Betsy. Crack me stump, where is the girl?

PATCH: Kinder silly o' her ter run away. We ain 't never walloped her.

DUKE: Women 's silly folks. I calls 'em ninnies. It don 't do no good tryin' ter understand 'em. Now then, ol' lionheart, are yer ready?

(_He throws._) Two fives! I 've done yer, Patch.

(_It is Patch's turn. He kisses the cubes._)

PATCH: Yer as sweet as honey. Tell me yer loves me. Me dirk is itchin'

fer yer answer. Luck 's a lady as dotes on me. (_He throws._) A pair o' sixes! Does yer see it, Duke? Stick yer blinkin' eye right down agin the table! It 's me, Captain. (_He rises and draws his knife._) Joey are yer ready?

JOE: G.o.d, if I were loose I 'd take you by the dirty gullet and twist it until you roared. I 'd kick you off my path like a snarling cur. Of what filth does nature sometimes compound a man! Shall a skunk walk two-legged to infect the air? Three cowards will hang on Wapping wharf before the month is up.

PATCH: Are n't meanin' us, are yer Joey?

JOE: And I 'll tell you more.

CAPTAIN: Ain 't we listenin' to yer? Yer can talk spry, as Patch here has a leetle job ter do, and it 's nearin' bed time.

DUKE: We does n't want ter sit up late and lose our beauty sleep jest listenin' to a speech.

JOE: A pirate takes his chance of death. You guard your dirty skins by wrecking s.h.i.+ps upon the rocks. You dare not pit yourselves against a breathing victim. Like carrion-crows you sit to a vile and bloated banquet.

PATCH: Tip me the wink, Captain, when yer has heard enough.

JOE: Stand off, you whelp! The King of England fights in France--

DUKE: Ain 't yer 'shamed that you is not there ter help?

JOE: I 'll tell you why I am not in France. I swore to his majesty that I would clear his coast of pirates. My plans are made. The channel is swept by gunboats. They will close in on you tomorrow--you and all the dirty vermin that befoul these cliffs.

DUKE: He talks so big, ye 'd think he was the King himself.

(_Everyone laughs at this. The Duke takes the cloak from the chest. In derision he hangs it across Red Joe's shoulders._)

DUKE: We 'll play ch'rades. Here 's yer costume, Joey. There! It fits yer like the skin o' a snake. We makes yer King. Yer looks like yer was paradin' in St. James's park, lampin' a d.u.c.h.ess.

PATCH: Does yer majesty need a new 'igh chancellor. I asks yer fer it.

I wants a fine house in London town, runnin' ter the Strand, and peac.o.c.ks struttin' in the garden.

CAPTAIN: King, I asks yer ter cast yer gig on me. I 'd be a right smart Archbishop o' Canterbury. Me whiskers is 'clesiastical.

DUKE: I offers meself, King, as Lord 'Igh Admiral o' the Navy. I swears fluent.