Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour - LightNovelsOnl.com
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THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWER GIRLS]
THE COMPLAINT OF THE c.o.c.kNEY CLERK
"I know of no cure but for the Englishman (1) to do his best to compete in the particulars where the German now excels; (2) to try to show that, taken all round, he is worth more than the German."--_Mr. Gladstone on English Clerks and German Compet.i.tion._
All very fine, O orator ill.u.s.trious!
But I as soon would be a mole or merman, As a short-grubbing, horribly industrious, Linguistic German.
A clerk's a clerk, that is a cove who scribbles All day, and then goes in for cue, and "jigger,"
And not a mere machine who feeds by nibbles, Slaves like a n.i.g.g.e.r.
Learn languages? And for two quid a week?
Cut barmaids, billiards, bitter beer and betting?
Yah! that may suit a sausage, or a sneak!
Whistles need wetting.
That is if they are genuine English whistles, And not dry, hoa.r.s.e, yah-yah Teutonic throttles.
_I_'m not a donkey who can thrive on thistles.
No, that's "no bottles."
I've learned my native tongue,--and that's a teaser-- I've also learned a lot of slang and patter; But German, French, Italian, Portuguese, sir, For "screw" no fatter?
Not me, my old exuberant wood-chopper!
Level _me_ to the straw-haired Carls and Hermanns?
No; there's another trick would do me proper,-- Kick out the Germans!
Old Bismarck's "blood and iron's" a receipt meant For sour-krautt gobblers, sandy and sardonic!
But for us Britons that Teutonic treatment Is much too tonic.
The cheek of 'em just puts me in a rage, Send 'em back home, ah! even pay their pa.s.sage Or soon, by Jove, we'll have to call our age, The German "sauce"-age!
[Ill.u.s.tration: AN INFORMAL INTRODUCTION.
_'Arry (shouting across the street to his "Pal")._ "Hi! Bill! This is 'er!"]
"ON A CLIFF BY THE SEA"
(_Whit Monday_)
A verse for "'Arry"? Well, I'm shot!
(Excuse my language plain and terse) For such a nuisance I have not A verse.
His praise don't ask me to rehea.r.s.e, But, if you like--I'll tell you what-- The _role_ of Baalam I'll reverse.
Only, like Balak, from this spot Desire me 'Arry's tribe to curse, To grant that prayer you'll find me not Averse!
[Ill.u.s.tration: _'Arriet._ "Wot toime his the next troine fer 'Ammersmith?" _Clerk._ "Due now."
_'Arriet._ "'Course Oi dawn't now, stoopid, or I wouldn't be harskin'
yer!"]
'ARRY IN ROME AND LONDON
A kind correspondent calls _Mr. Punch's_ attention to the fact that 'Arry the ubiquitous crops up even in the cla.s.sics as Arrius, in fact, in _Carmen_ lx.x.xiv. of Catullus. How proud 'Arry will be to hear of his cla.s.sical prototype! Our correspondent "dropping into verse,"
exclaims:--
Yes! Your c.o.c.kney is eternal; Arrius speaks in 'Arry still; Vaunts 'is "hincome" by paternal "Hartful" tricks hup 'Olborn 'Ill.
How well he is justified may be seen by a glance at the text of Catullus:--
DE ARRIO.
"C_h_ommoda" dicebat, si quando commoda vellet Dicere, et "_h_indsidias" Arrius insidias: Et tum mirifice sperabat se esse locutum.
c.u.m, quantum poterat, dixerat "_h_insidias."
Credo, sic mater, sic Liber avunculus ejus.
Sic maternus avus dixerit, atque avia.
Catullus, _Carmen_ lx.x.xiv.
Which--for the benefit of 'Arry himself, who is not perhaps familiar with the "Lingo Romano"--though he may know something of a "Romano" dear to certain young sportsmen, though not dearer to them than other caterers--may thus be _very_ freely adapted:--
'Arry to _H_oxford gives the aspirate still He cruelly denies to 'Igate 'Ill; Yet deems in diction he can ape the "swell,"
And "git the 'ang of it" exceeding well.
Doubtless his sire, the 'atter, and his mother, The hupper 'ousemaid, so addressed each other; For spite of all that wrangling Board Schools teach, There seems heredity in c.o.c.kney speech.
COMMERCIAL INTELLIGENCE.--According to a trade circular issued by a c.o.c.kney company, Florence and Lucca, whence the finer description of oils have been heretofore imported, are threatened with a vigorous compet.i.tion by the Iles of Greece.
THE RICHEST DISH IN THE WORLD.--The "weal" of fortune.
'ARRY'S MOTTO.--"Youth on the prowl and pleasure at the 'elm."
