Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour - LightNovelsOnl.com
You're reading novel online at LightNovelsOnl.com. Please use the follow button to get notifications about your favorite novels and its latest chapters so you can come back anytime and won't miss anything.
SONG OF THE c.o.c.kNEY SPORTSMAN
How happy could I be in heather, At the grouse gaily blazing away!
But then, somehow, I can't touch a feather, So 'tis better at Brighton to stay.
PRO BONO.--There is one first-rate joint that comes to table which is the c.o.c.kney's prime aversion--the h-bone.
[Ill.u.s.tration: A MODEL MODEL.
(_The artist is rather shy, and has left his model to do the honours of his studio._) "From whom did Mr. M'Gilp paint that head?"
"From yours obediently, madam. I sit for the 'eads of all 'is 'oly men."
"He must find you a very useful person."
"Yes, madam. I order his frames, stretch his canvases, wash his brushes, set his palette, and mix his colours. All _he's_ got to do is just to _shove 'em on!_"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Tripper._ "'Ere! 'Arf a mo'! Where's the change out o'
that bob I gave yer?"
_Bystander._ "Don't worry about it, c.o.c.ky; ain't you got the bloomin'
'oss as security!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Holiday Driver (returning from a pic-nic)._ "Excuse me, sir, but can you see anything wrong with the 'arness of this 'ere 'orse?"]
SPORTSMEN AT SEA.
_(Tom exhibiting a tern which he has shot)._ I say, 'Arry, wot bird 's this 'ere?
_'Arry._ A auk, I should say.
_Tom._ What yer calls a sparrerawk?
_'Arry._ No. Hay, u, k, auk, without the sparrer.
A c.o.c.kNEY'S EPITAPH
THINK! "From the cradle to the grave!" my brother, A nurse takes you from one, an 'ea.r.s.e to t'other.
A VULGAR ERROR.--Misplacing the haspirate.
A CHEVALIERESQUE CONUNDRUM.--_Coster Bill (to 'Arriet)._ I si! When is your young man like a fish out of water?
_'Arriet._ Oh, g'long! Give't up.
_Coster Bill._ Why, when 'es a _witin'_ round the corner.
[Short encounter, and exeunt severally.
[Ill.u.s.tration: A CAPITAL ANSWER.
_"Self-made" Man (examining school, of which he is a manager)._ "Now, boy, what's the capital of 'Olland?"
_Boy._ "An 'H,' sir."]
DISCOVERED IN DRURY LANE
(_Near the new Baker Street Lodging House established by the County Council._)
I 'old it true wote'er befall, I feel it when things go most cross, Better do a fi'penny doss, Than never do a doss at all!
UNIVERSITY SYMPATHY.
_First Errand Boy (after the University Boat Race)._ Wot 'ave yer got a light blue ribbon in yer b.u.t.ton 'ole for, Tommy?
_Second E. B. (promptly)._ 'Cos our 'ouse allus sells Cambridge sausages!
A MATTER OF TASTE.
_Vulgar Parvenu (who is watching the interior decorations of his house)._ "Don't you think that tapestry 'eats the rooms?"
_Artistic Decorator._ "Very possibly, sir; you see, it's Goblin (_Gobelin_)."
