Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour Part 11

I inclose you a card--a correct one, I 'ope, though it strikes one as queer That such picters is thought _apprypo_ this perticular time of the year.

You'll observe there's a hangel in muslin a twisting 'erself all awry, With some plums, happle-blossoms, and marigolds, backed by a dab o' blue sky.

Dekkyrative it's called, so the mivvy informed me who n.o.bbled my tanner; _I_ call it a little bit mixed, like the art on a Odd-Fellow's banner.

But, bless you, it's all of a piece, Charlie--life is so muddled with rot That it takes rayther more than a judge or a jury to tell yer wot's wot.

Whether knifing a boy 'cos one's peckish means murder if lyings are libels, Seem questions as bothers the big wigs, in spite of their blue books and Bibles.

Where are we, old pal? that's the question. Perhaps it would add to one's ease If life wos declared a "mixed wobble," it's motter a "go as you please."

But 'tisn't all cinder-path, Charlie, wus luck! if it was, with "all in,"

You wouldn't go fur wrong, I fancy, in backing "yours truly" to win.

"A 'Appy New Year!" That's the cackle all over the shop like to-day.

Wot's 'Appiness? Praps Mister Ruskin and little Lord Garmoyle will say.

You an' me's got _our_ notions of yum-yum, as isn't fur wide o' the mark, But who'll give us change for 'em, Charlie? Ah! that's where we're left in the dark.

The Reform Bill won't do it, my pippin, on that you may lay your last dollar.

The fact is this 'Appy New Year fake is 'oller, mate, hutterly 'oller.

'Twon't fly--like the Christmas card hangels, it doesn't fit into the facks; All it does is to spread tommy-rot, and to break all the postmen's poor backs.

You'll be thinking I've got the blue-mouldies, old man, and you won't be fur hout.

Funds low with yours truly, my bloater, no chances of getting about.

Larks, any amount of 'em, going, advertis.e.m.e.nts ga.s.sing like fun, But 'Arry, for once in the way, 's a stone-broker and not in the run.

It's cutting, that's wot it is, _cutting_. I'm so used to leading the field, That place as fust-fly at life's fences is one as I _don't_ like to yield, Espechly to one like Bill Blossit--no style, not a bit about Bill!

And they talk of a 'Appy New Year, mate, and cackle o' peace and goodwill!

Oh yus, I'd goodwill 'em, Bill Blossit and false f.a.n.n.y Friswell, a lot!

They are off to the world's fair to-night, sir, and _that's_ wy I say it's such rot.

If form such as mine's to go 'obbling whilst mugginses win out o' sight, I say the world's handicap's wrong, mate, and Christmas cards won't set it right.

Lor bless yer, 'e ain't got no patter, not more than a nutmeg, Bill ain't; But the railway has taken his shop, and he's come out as fresh as new paint.

And so because _I'm_ out of luck, and that duffer has landed the c.h.i.n.k, She 'ooks onto him _like_ a bat to a belfry, sir! What do _you_ think?

A 'Appy New Year? Yus, it looks like it! Charlie, old chap, I've heard tell Of parties called pessymists, writers as swear the whole world's a big sell; No doubt they've bin jilted, or jockeyed by some such a juggins as Bill; And without real jam--cash and kisses--this world is a bitterish pill.

Still, I wish you a 'Appy New Year, if you care for the kibosh, old chappie, Though 'taint 'igh art cards full o' gush and green paint'll make you and me 'appy.

Wot _we_ want is lucre and larks, love and lotion as much as you'll carry!

Give me them, and one slap at that Bill,--They're the new year gifts to suit.

'ARRY.

AT SCARBOROUGH.--_'Arriet (pointing to postillions of pony-chaises)._ Why do all them boys wear them jackets?

_'Arry._ There's a stoopid question! Why, they're all jockeys a-training for the Ledger, of course!

EGGING HIM ON.--_Knowing old Gentleman._ Now, sir, talking of eggs, can you tell me where a s.h.i.+p lays to?

_Smart Youth (not in the least disconcerted)._ Don't know, sir, unless it is in the hatchway.

RETREAT FOR c.o.c.kNEY IDLERS.--Earn nil.

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN EASTER OBJECT LESSON

(_At the Natural History Museum_)

_Visitor._ "Hullo! I say, I've got 'em agin! Gi' me the blue ribbon!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HIS BEST "SOOT."

_Short-tempered Gentleman in Black (after violent collision with a stonemason fresh from work)._ "Now, I'll arsk you jest to look at the narsty beastly mess as you've gone and mide me in! Why, I'm simply smothered in some 'orrid white stuff!! Why don't yer be more careful!!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: OVERHEARD DURING ONE OF OUR RECENT STORMY DAYS.

"What cheer, matey! Doin' any business?"

"Garn! Wot yer gettin' at? I ain't 'ere to do business. I'm takin' the hopen hair treatment!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: ALWAYS BE KIND TO DUMB ANIMALS.

_Master._ "Jim!"

_Page._ "Yessir."

_Master._ "Rather a 'igh 'ill we're comin' to, ain't it?"

_Page._ "Very 'igh 'ill indeed, sir."

_Master._ "Ah! well, jest you jump down, Jim, and walk alongside a bit; it'll make it easier for the poor 'orse, you know."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: REAL SYMPATHY.

_'Arry (reading account of the war in the East)._ "Ow, I s'y, 'Arriet, they've bin an' took old Li 'Ung Chang's three-heyed peac.o.c.k's feathers all off 'im!"