Swingin Round the Cirkle Part 23

By this time the company a.s.sembled. His Highness wuz in a merry mood, and unbendid hisself. Ther wuz a knot uv the n.o.bility gathered in a corner, and after a earnest interview uv a minnit, Count Von Cowan advanced to the foot uv the throne, and on bendid knee demanded a boon.

"What, my faithful servitor, dost thou most desire?" sed His Highness.

"We wood, Your Majesty, hev the prisoners uv state brot into the presence, that we may make merry over 'em."

"It shel be done," sed His Majesty, and forthwith Baron von Steedman, who hed command uv the King's Household Body Guard, wuz sent for them.

In a moment they wuz brot in. They wuz a mizable lookin set. Forney and Wendell Phillips wuz chained together, Fred Dougla.s.s and Anna d.i.c.kinson, d.i.c.k Yates and Gov. Morton, Ben Butler and Carl Shurz, Kelly and Covode, while Chase wuz tied to Horis Greely, onto whose back wuz a placard, inscribed, "The last uv the Tribunes;" at wich Raymond, who left the Radikels and declared for the empire at precisely the rite time, and wuz now editor of the _Court Journal_, laffed immodritly. Some one exclaimed, "Bring in Thad Stevens!" at wich His Majesty turned pale, and his knees smote together. "Don't, don't!" sez he; "he's strength enuff left to wag his tongue. Keep him away! keep him away!" and he showed ez much fear ez men do in delirum tremens when they see snakes.

Methawt I made inquiries, and found that things wuz workin satisfactory.

Gen. Grant wuz in exile, and Gen. Sheridan hed bin decapitatid for refoosin to acquiesce in the new arrangement. The country hed bin divided into dookdoms and earldoms, and sich, over wich the n.o.bility rooled with undispooted authority. The princ.i.p.al men uv the North hed been capcherd and subdooed, and wuz a fillin menial positions in the palaces uv the n.o.bility. No Lord or Dook or Earl considered himself well served onless he hed a half dozen Northern Congressmen in his house, while the higher grade uv n.o.bility wuzn't content with anythin less than Guvners. The indebtednis uv the South to the North hed bin adjustid. A decree hed bin ishood to the effect that Northern merchants who shood press a claim agin a Southerner shood be beheaded and his goods confistikated. The question uv slavery hed bin settled forever, for the Dimekratic ijee uv one cla.s.s to serve and one cla.s.s to be served wuz fully establisht. There wuz now three cla.s.ses uv society, the hereditary n.o.bility, the unt.i.tled officials, and the people; the latter, black and white, wuz all serfs, and all attached to the soil. Biznis wuz all done by foreigners, the policy uv the government bein to make the native born people purely agricultural peasantry. The n.o.bility, desirin to make it easy for em, giv em one sixth uv the produx uv the soil, reservin the balance for their own uses.

My dreem didn't continyoo long enuff for me to ascertain whether I wuz a n.o.bleman or not, but I am uv the opinion that I wuz, for a servant, handin me a pin to stick into Gen. Butler to make him roar for the amoozement of the company, addressed me ez "Yoor Grace," from wich I inferred that I wuz one uv of the Lords spiritooal. Unfortunitly at this pint I awoke, and a sad awakenin it wuz. The gorjus halls hed vanished, the chandeleers hed vanished, the robes uv stait and jewels and sich wuz gone, and I wuz in my offis, not "Yoor Grace," but merely a Postmaster in a Kentucky village! Well, that is suthin. Wat better is a n.o.bleman?

He don't work, neither do I. He drinks wine, it is troo; but I hev wat soots me better--whiskey fresh from the still. Yet my dreem may be realized, and ef it is, I will endevoor to fill the position with credit. Who knows?

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.

(wich is Postmaster).

x.x.xIX.

A Cabinet Meeting.--Letters from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, General Custar, Henry J. Raymond, and Hon. John Morrissey, each anxious to Preserve his Reputation.--A Sad Time at the White House.

CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), November 7, 1866.

I wuz called to Was.h.i.+ngton by our patron Saint, the President, to comfort his wounded sperit. There ain't no disguisin the fact,--the sperit of Androo Johnson is wounded. He hez endoored the slings and arrers uv more outrajus fortune than any other man who hez lived sence the days uv Hamlick; more, indeed, than Hamlick endoored, twict over.

Hamlick's father wuz pizoned, and his mother married agin afore her mournin clothes wuz wore out--suthin no savin, prudent woman would do; but what wuz that to wat A. JOHNSON endoors every day? Nothin.

The cabinet meetin to wich I wuz summoned wuz called for the purpose uv sheddin a tear or two over the election returns, and to consider a variety uv letters wich His Eggscellency hed receeved within a few days.

I may remark that the cabinet hed a gloomy and mildewed look.

The fust wuz from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. Mr. Beecher remarked that he had the highest possible respeck for the offis wunst held by the good Was.h.i.+nton, the great Adams, and the sainted Linkin. He omitted remarkin anythin about Peerce and Bookanan, out uv regard for the feelins uv the present inc.u.mbent, wich, ef he hed read History correct, wuz a ardent supporter uv the Administrashens uv both of them men, wich he considered stains upon the pages uv American history wich he cood wish mite be obliterated. But wat he desired to say wuz, that he hed a higher regard for the good opinion uv mankind in general than he hed for the good opinion uv the accidental inc.u.mbent uv any offis; and ez he hed, in a hour uv temporary mental aberrashen, wich hed happily pa.s.sed, endorsed the Administrashen, wich insanity hed worked evil unto him, he rekested, ez a simple act uv justice, that the President shood cause it to be known that he (Beecher) wuz not considered by the Administrashen ez a supporter thereof.

"I do this," sed the writer, "becoz the impression that I am in the confidence uv yoor Eggslency, wich is onfortunately abroad, hez seriously DAMAGED MY REPUTASHEN.

"Trooly yoors," et settry.

The readin uv this letter wuz follered by a minit uv profound silence, wich wuz broken by the President.

"Let him pa.s.s," sed the great man who hez the despensin uv the post offisis, "let him pa.s.s. But here is another," sed he, bustin into teers; "read that."

It wuz from Gen. Custar, him uv the yaller hair, wich hed some reputashen doorin the war ez a cavalry commander. It wuz to the same effect. He hed, when he spozd that the policy uv the President, wich he esteemed ez he must any man who held the exalted position wunst okkepied by the good Was.h.i.+nton, the great Jefferson, and the sainted Linkin--

"The ongrateful dog doesn't respect ME!" sed Androo; "it's the offis I fill;" and he bust into a fresh flood.

--When he spozed the President's policy wuz sich ez a soljer and patriot cood endorse, he endorsed it. But he diskivered that it led him, back foremost, into company wich, doorin the late war, he hed alluz visited face foremost and on hossback; and therefore, to SAVE HIS REPUTASHUN, he must beg that the President wood give it out that he (Gen. Custar) wuz not, nor never hed bin, a supporter uv his policy, and oblige

Yoors trooly, ez before.

I wuz too hart-broken at this to make any reply, and Cowan and Doolittle wuz in the same fix. The Kernelcy wich wuz given to Custar to keep him in posishen hed bin promised to a Demokratic captin, who wuz led by a company in the first Bull Run fight, and who threw up in disgust the next day, not likin the manner in wich the war wuz bein conducted; but now the Kernelcy wuz gone, and Custar too; and wat wuz worse, there wuz no sich thing to be thot uv ez dismissin him. The entire company yoonited in minglin their teers.

The next letter wuz read by Seward, ez it wuz addressed to him. It wuz from Raymond. He opened with the remark that for the Presidential office he hed the highest respeck. Aside from the considerashen that it hed bin wunst okkepied by the good Was.h.i.+nton, the great Adams, and the sainted Linkin, the President mite be considered the Father of his country, hevin so large a number of helpless children to provide for; and besides, he hed a instinctive respeck for the dispenser of anything. It wuz difficult for him, bein a open and simple-minded man, not to adhere to the President; but--

"Good Heavens!" shreeked Johnson, "that little fox ain't a goin to speak uv HIS reputashen!"

"Dooty requires the reedin uv the entire dockeyment, painful to my feelins ez it may be," sed Seward. "He concloods thusly:--

"'I am forced to ask yoo, ez one enjoyin confidenshel relations with Him who occupies the Presidenshel chair, to hev it given out that I stand in opposition to him. A doo REGARD FOR MY REPUTASHEN impels me to this course. I remain

"'Yoors Trooly.'"

There wuz 2 or three more. Gen. Carey uv Ohio, requested the President to remove him from his Collectors.h.i.+p, ez the holdin uv it wuz INJOORIN HIS REPUTASHEN. A editor out West, who wuz sedooced into takin a Post Offis, begged to hev it taken off his hands, that he might save his circulashen before it wuz everlastinly too late. And finally we come to wun, the seal uv wich wuz a coat-uv-arms--bull dog rampant, bowie-knife couchant, supported by trottin horses, on a field uv green cloth. It wuz from Hon. John Morrisey, who hed jest ben elected to Congress in Noo York.

Mr. Morrisey remarked that, ez one uv the pillars uv the Democrasy, he felt he hed a rite to speek. He wished it to be understood that he washed his hands uv any connection with Johnson or his party. He hed seed a lite. In States where the Democrasy, uv wich he wuz a piller, hed tied themselves to Johnson, they hed gone down to a prematoor grave.

Respeck for the high offis restrained him from sayin that the Democrasy coodent carry sich a cussid load; but he wood say that the result uv the election in Noo York, where they dependid solely on muscle and n.i.g.g.e.r, wich is the reel Democratic capital, and succeeded, while where the Democrasy wuz loaded down with Johnsonianism, they failed, satisfied him that the President wuz a inkubus. He sed this with all doo respeck for the offis. Mr. Morrisey further remarked that he hed also personel reasons for makin this request. He commenced in a humble position, and hed filled the public eye long enuff to satisfy his modist ambishen. He hed walloped Sullivan and Heenan; he hed owned the fastest horses, and won more money at faro than any man in Amerika. His ambishen wuz satisfied, so fur ez he wuz concerned; but he hoped to leave behind him, for his infant son (wich wuz only twelve years uv age, and wich hed a development uv intelleck and muscle remarkable for one so tender, havin already walloped every boy in the skool to wich he wuz a goin), he desired to leave that son a honorable name. It hed bin given out that he wuz a supporter uv the individooal who okkepied the Presidenshel offis, and it wuz injoorin him. He wished that stigma removed. A REGARD FOR HIS REPUTASHEN forced him to insist upon it.

And this epistle wuz dooly signed,

his JOHN MORRISSEY, M.C.

mark.

There wuz silence in the Cabinet. This last stroke intensified the gloom wich hed settled onto the Government; and ez I turned my tear-bedewed eyes, I saw the great drops coursin down the cheeks uv every one present. Mr. Seward retired without sayin anythin about ninety days, and one by one they all departed.

It wuz a solemn time. There wuz other letters yet to be read, but no one hed the heart to open em. I made a move in that direckshun, but Androo prevented me. "I'm sick," murmured he, in a husky voice, which showed that his hart wuz peerced. "Help me to bed." I saw the great man bury his intellectool head beneath the snowy kivrin uv his oneasy couch, all but the nose, which in him is the thermometer uv the sole, and which accordinly glowed, not with the yoosooal brilliant hue, but with a dull, dead, and ghastly bloo. Noticin the convulsive heavins uv the kivers, which betrayed the agitashen uv the breast beneath, I whispered in his ear, ez I handed him his nite drink uv rye whisky flavored with bourbon, that he hed one hold, ez Delaware hed sustained him. A flush uv satisfaction pa.s.sed over his nose, but it subsided in an instant.

"Troo," gasped he, "it's ourn now; but before the next election a couple uv them Ma.s.sachoosits ablishnists will buy the cussid State, and re-people it to soot em;" and he gave a convulsive gasp, and sank into a troubled slumber.

It wuz a tetchin occasion.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.

(wich is Postmaster).

XL.

A Sermon upon the November Elections, from the Text, "No man putteth New Wine into Old Settles" with a Digression or Two.

CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), November 16, 1866.

When the news uv the result of the Illinoy election reached the Corners, there wuz a feelin uv oneasiness wich was trooly affectin; but when the crus.h.i.+n intelligence arove that Hoffman wuz beeten in Noo York, there wuz a prostration wich wuz only ekalled when the intelligence of Lee's surrender reached us. We expected defeat in Illinoy, and some uv the other States, but we hed hopes that Noo York wood go Dimocratic, that His Eggslency mite hev some show uv backin by the people, and consekently some excoose for continyooin to enforce his policy. But that hope wuz taken from us, and uv the entire populashen, I wuz the only one who hed suffishent stamina to preserve the semblance uv cheerfulness, and that wuz only on akkount uv my hevin the Post Offis. Elections can't take that from me: it is a rock wich the waves uv popler indignashen can't wash away, thank the Lord! for ef they cood, how many uv us wood to-day be holdin our places? Still, I felt overwhelmed, and sorrowfully I entered Bascom's. There, with their heads bowed in sorrer, and tears flowin from their venrable eyes, sot Deekin Pogram, Elder Slathers, and a few others uv the Saints, who, ez I entered, mekanikally rose, and stood afore the bar; mekanikally Bascom, who wuz likewise bowed down with greef, sot out the invigorator; mekanikally we dosed ourselves, and still in a daze, mekanikally I moved out without payin, Bascom bein too full uv sorrer to notis it.

It wuz deemed proper, in view uv the great calamity, that services shood be held in the church, and at 2 P.M., wich with us mite be sed to mean post mortem, we slowly and sadly filed in, the only smilin countenance in site bein that uv a n.i.g.g.e.r at the door, who wuz to-wunst beltid over the head for lookin happy.

I gave out the hymn,--