Mr. Scraggs Part 5

"And further still, that poor little deluded, cold-potato-fed woman was on my mind.

"'You mean,' says I to her--my eddication in the Mormon Church, and what I learned about play-actin' in St. Looey, standin' me in handy for manners--'that these here children, the offspring of cold water and vegetables, is expected to pa.s.s to-morrow in prayer and meditation, and be better for it?'

"'Yes, sir!' says she, impressed by my manners.

"'Well, then, madam,' says I, 'if you'll excuse my onprofessional language, I'll say that that's a low-down, Scandahoovian outrage.'

"'Now,' says she, eager, 'that's just what I think.'

"'Madam,' says I, bowin', 'I'm enchanted to see such a spirit--I'll think kindly of turnips from this day on. Let us prescribe for ourselves once more--the directions say take one every three minutes until you feel better. Besides, you got to help me, and you'll need your strength. My duties demand that I leave here by the night freight, but before that----' And I give her her directions. She jumped up and hustled out, as young as ever she was.

"Then I went up to the telegrapher. 'Where can I buy some toys and truck, to come out on Number Three?' says I.

"He didn't pay no attention.

"I reached in and took him gently by the hair, drawin' him part way through his cubby-hole so's he could hear plain.

"'My young friend,' says I, 'is it any part of your notion that I grew up on cabbages? Does it please your youthful fancy to picture me picketed out to gra.s.s, and chewin' my cud on a sunny slope?'

"'Ow!' says he. 'Leggo m' hair!'

"'You are now in the hands of E. G. W. Scraggs,' says I, 'an honor which I shall give you cause to appreciate if you don't lend me your ears to what I say. Do you think you can hear me now?'

"'Yes, sir. Oh, yessir, yessir,' says he.

"'Good,' says I. 'Then telegraph to the first place east to send one hundred dollars' worth of toys out here on Number Three.

Here's your money.'

"Well, he picked away, and then we waited. Bimeby we got the foolishest kind of answer: 'What sort of toys? How much of each?'

etc.

"'Michael and the Archangels all,' says I, 'how am I supposed to know? Ain't that part of a toy-shop man's business? Here, young man, you tick-tack 'em that I want toys--children's toys--to use up one hundred plunks--I want 'em on Number Three--and if they don't arrive I will. I will arrive in their little old toy-shop and play with them till they holler for ma. Tell 'em I never felt more impatient in my life than I am this minute, and that I'm getting more so per each and every clock tick. Mention the name of Zeke Scraggs, so they won't think it's Mr. Anonymous behavin' frivolous.

Tell 'em I mean every word of it. Go on; do it.'

"So he did.

"Then comes a sensible answer: 'Goods go forward by Number Three.'

"'Sure,' says I. 'ill you join me?'

"'I certainly will,' says he, and bimeby he cried because I looked so like his father, who was just the same kind of short, thick-set, hairy kind of person I was.

"Then my poor little deer-eyed woman come back with a roll of cotton-battin'; at the same minute Number Three pulled in. 'You get Jimmy, there,' says I to her, 'to help you whack up the play-toys, whilst I disguise myself as Santy Claus."

"She stopped and looked at me, then she says in a scart whisper, 'Are you _really_ the Reverend Silas Hardcrop?'

"'I'm just as near bein' the Reverend Silas Hardcrop as I shall ever get,' says I.

"There come a twinkle of somethin' almost like fun in her eye. 'I told them.' says she, 'that you would address them at seven, sharp.'

"She and me an Jimmy finished Jimmy's lunch and sat around, whilst I told 'em anecdotes concernin' life as it was lived outside the bonds of Oggsouash, till quarter to seven rolled around. Then we took the back way to the church.

"I don't think it has ever been my privilege to gaze on one hundred and fifty faces all so astonished at one and the same time as when I stepped forward to the center of the stage at Oggsouash and addressed the meetin', me bein' clad as Santy Claus, in flowin'

white whiskers, hair to match. Jimmy's coat that come down almost to my waist, a baggage-truck of toys behind me, and a gun in each hand.

"'Dearly beloved brethren,' says I, 'I shall try to interest you for a few minutes, and I urge and beg and pray of you that if any male member of your number here a.s.sembled feels in any way nervous or fidgety during the course of my remarks that he will conceal it with all possible haste and discreshun, because otherwise I ain't goin' to have the bill for the consequences in my mail.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "'Dearly beloved brethren,' says I."]

"'How Oggsouash and I come together is neither here nor there, although I could find it in my heart to wish it was,' I says. 'But now that the worst has happened, let us meet the consequences like men--you, like men raised and prostrated by such things as cauliflower, sweet potatoes, and hay, washed down by the water which flows in all its glistening uselessness among the hop-toads and mud-turtles of Oggsouash Creek; and me, like men that pick the hindleg of an ox at a sittin' and make the spirits in Peg-leg's place go down like the approach of Arctic breezes.

"'To resume,' says I. 'It may be that there ain't a man drifted further from what the standards of this here place is than I be, but I'm willin' to put my hand to an affydavit statin' it never crossed my mind to draft a set of rules as an improvement on the Almighty's. There's where you put it all over me. I have held up a train to hear what the pa.s.sengers would say, but lackin' the advantages that has doubtless been yours, I duck when it comes to reformin' Heaven.

"'It struck me with the force of a revelation when I arrived at your glowin' mertroppollus this afternoon that to make any human bein', particlerly children, forget for a time that they lived in Oggsouash was a religious duty. I have therefore furnished a few trifles for the purpose. I move you, ladies and gentlemen, that we turn this Christmas Eve into a Pagan festival. All in favor of this motion will keep their seats--contrary minded will please rise,' and I c.o.c.ked both guns.

"'Carried, unanimous,' says I. 'Now, please let each young person come forward as his, her, or its name is called. I shall be severely displeased if you don't.'

"Then I read from the list the lady had furnished me, and the kids come up. The last party on the list was a little gal that had been poppin' up an' down like a prairie-dog, fearin' she was goin' to git left, and when at last I sings out 'Annabella Angelina Hugginswat!' here she come, her eyes s.n.a.t.c.hed wide open by the two little pigtails that stuck out behind, walkin' knock-kneed and circular, as some little girls does, and stiff er'n a poker in her j'ints from scart-to-death and gladness.

"'Angelina,' says I, pickin' up the big doll-baby I'd saved for her, 'you must be the fond parient of this child,' says I. 'Raise it kindly; teach it that it's been d.a.m.ned since the year of our Lord B. C. 7604; feed it vegetables, Angelina, and keep it away from strong drink, even if you have to use force.'

"Angelina, she didn't mind my pursyflage, but she just stood there quiverin' all over, lookin' at her prize.

"'Ith that my dolly?' she says.

"'That's your sure-enough dolly, little gal,' I says.

"She took hold of it--her little arms was stiff as railroad ties and her hands was cold.

"She looked at me again and whispered: "'Ith that my dolly, _really_, _truly_, mithter?'

"She looked so darned funny standin' there that I grabbed her right up and kissed her.

"'If anybody tries to take that dolly away from you, you let _me_ know--skip!' says I, and down the aisle she runs hollerin': 'Oh, papa, papa! Thee my dolly!' Seems she didn't have no mother, poor little thing.

"Well, sir, old human nature is human nature, after all--elsewise it would be a darned funny state of affairs--but anyhow, that little gal's holler did something to my friends, the Oggsouashers.

I don't think I overstep the mark when I say some of 'em smiled a kindly smile.

"'But I didn't have no time to study it. If I missed my freight I stayed in Oggsouash over night, so, reasonin' thus, the tall form of E. G. W. Scraggs might 'a' been seen proceedin' toward the railroad track at the rate of seventeen statute miles per hour.

Just as I hooked on to the caboose comes a feller pastin' after me.

"'Say!' he whoops. 'Say! We want to thank you!'

"'Turn it in to the kids,' says I. 'Good-night, Oggsouash, good-night,' I says, 'Partin' is such sweet sorrow that I could say good-night as long as my wind held out.'

"Well, sir, it was nigh three in the mornin' when I hit Castle Scraggs agin, after the coldest walk to be found anywhere outdoors; but when Mrs. Scraggs come to the door--and it was one of the blackest-eyed and snappiest of the race--and she says, 'Zeke Scraggs! Where you been?' I just fell into her arms.

"'Bear with me, Susan, or Mary Ann, or whatever your name is,' says I, 'for I've had a ter'ble time.'