Babyproofing Your Marriage Part 6

What's the Score?

87."We would help out more if our wives would tell us exactly what they want us to do. For example, last Sunday night the house was a total mess and I said to my wife, 'When this TV show is over we really need to clean up.' She said, 'You mean I I need to clean up.' And I didn't-honestly-I meant that we both needed to do it. She got so annoyed with me and then told me about all the ways I had not helped her over the weekend. And I swear I had asked her so many times, 'What can I do to help?' " need to clean up.' And I didn't-honestly-I meant that we both needed to do it. She got so annoyed with me and then told me about all the ways I had not helped her over the weekend. And I swear I had asked her so many times, 'What can I do to help?' "

-Jose, married 7 years, 2 kids As much as we want them to be, men are not mind readers. When they don't have targets, they get frustrated. When we expect them to just "see"

the things we see, we are bound to be disappointed.

Prior Convictions and the Log of Evidence "If a guy messes up and does his 'penance' that should be the end of it. It's not right to throw it back in our face six months later when we can hardly remember what it was all about anyway. Each individual incident should be dealt with separately. No mention of prior convictions."

-James, married 9 years, 3 kids Guys told us they feel there is no statute of limitations for their viola-tions. What can we say? That statement is absolutely, totally, one hundred percent true. We can't seem to forgive, or forget. It's not one of our more attractive feminine virtues. (In our defense, though, we usually have to bring up the "priors" because our husbands are Repeat Offenders Repeat Offenders.) When we rehash old incidents, our husbands, quite naturally, get defensive and angry. They are less likely to want to talk about the issue at hand or be receptive to what we want to say.

Lack of Control Most men feel as if they have little control over their environments. They are rarely the boss at work, and hardly ever the boss at home. As we described in Chapter 2, their wives act as Gatekeepers Gatekeepers to the house and the to the house and the 88 88 children. Their wives plan weekends, select baby names, and evaluate vacation destinations. In many cases, their wives simply tell them where they need to be and when they need to be there. Lots of guys like it this way, but many others complain that their wives try to orchestrate their lives and fatherhoods.

They're My Kids, Too "My parents were divorced, so I never spent much time living with my dad. I don't want that for my own kids, and I don't want it for myself, either. I want to be there with them, watching them grow, sharing their ups and downs. And I want to help my wife. I don't expect her to do everything."

-Omar, married 10 years, 3 kids The overwhelming majority of men want to be active, hands-on fathers, but it's hard for a man (as it would be for anyone) to enjoy being a parent when his wife micromanages that relations.h.i.+p.

"I come home at night and it's a great way to let off steam, rolling around on the floor with the boys. But I don't do it anymore because she yells at me about getting them 'all riled up' before bedtime. Even when it's 'allowed,' like on Sat.u.r.day morning, she's still kind of hovering over us. I can't wait till they're bigger. Then maybe she won't be so worried all the time."

-Luke, married 7 years, 2 kids Men have commented to us that they "fall more in love" with their kids when they are left alone with them. As long as Mom is around, Dad is just the copilot.

It's My House, Too Some men confided to us that they can feel like (unwelcome) guests in their own homes. It's their wife's way or the highway. What's the point of showing any initiative if you're always getting smacked down? As Doug says, "Why do I always have to raise my standards? Why can't she lower What's the Score?

89.hers? Why is it when I clean the bathroom-and it looks totally clean to me-she gets mad and redoes it? Then I get no thanks for what I did do!"

"Sometimes I just want to retreat to the bas.e.m.e.nt and watch a game for a few hours. I feel like I need to get a signed permission slip from my wife to watch the Rose Bowl in peace.

I repeat, the Rose Bowl!"

-Jack, married 7 years, 1 kid I Have a Life, Too (Don't I?) "I don't even bother to plan anything on the weekends anymore because my wife has already planned every minute-on Microsoft Outlook, no less."

-Joel, married 10 years, 4 kids Why do guys keep track of points? To trade them in for freedom. As much as they love their wives and kids, a lot of guys feel the leash tighten around their necks as their families grow. They keep score about how much free time they are losing. Lance put it this way, "To men, marriage equals 'I can't do the things I want to do anymore.' " Charlie said, "I want it to be a As much as they love their wives and kids, a lot of guys feel the leash tighten around their necks as their families grow. They keep score about how much free time they are losing. Lance put it this way, "To men, marriage equals 'I can't do the things I want to do anymore.' " Charlie said, "I want it to be a quid pro quo quid pro quo so I can get some freedom." so I can get some freedom."

Men just want a little freedom from their responsibilities. "I want time away." "I just want a break." "My wife has never said to me, 'Go do your thing. I'll see you whenever.' "

Why Doesn't She Just Go?

Guys also find a particular element of female scorekeeping confusing and annoying: they are perfectly willing to give us free time in exchange for their own. But then we don't take advantage of the opportunity, and, exacerbating the problem, we turn around and: a) complain that we never get a break, and b) make our husbands feel guilty for taking their break.

Understandably bewildered, they say, "She tells me she wants time to herself, but when I say go, she doesn't go. Why doesn't she just go?"

90."If my wife hasn't spent enough points, I'll encourage her to spend them so that I can redeem mine. I want her to max out her points so I can use mine. I can't go play golf for five hours if she hasn't had a break for days."

-Nathan, married 6 years, 1 kid "I buy her spa time with an expiration date so she'll be forced to use it."

-Paul, married 9 years, 2 kids Stop the Complaining and Start the Validating "Last week, I had to go on two business trips for work. It was absolute h.e.l.l, but she just seemed annoyed that I wasn't around to help with the kids. Like I had some choice in the matter!

Doesn't she realize that I am working my a.s.s off for everyone?"

-Mark, married 11 years, 2 kids Just like women, men need validation. Just like women, men can feel their efforts on the domestic and work fronts go unnoticed and unappreciated. When a guy hears his wife express some appreciation, he feels like a million bucks. Who wouldn't? They are disheartened by martyr-ish tendencies and too much complaining.

"I'm Married to a Martyr."

"A lot of the stress women feel is self-created. There's a lot of keeping up with the Joneses."

-Felix, married 6 years, 1 kid "My wife's maternal instincts whiplash the whole family. I feel like I spend half my time depressurizing her. It's just too much."

-Toby, married 9 years, 2 kids All of us girls have played the Martyr. We've all slaved away on our husband's behalf, and made d.a.m.n well sure he knew about it. But a woman getting bent out of shape about an incomplete shopping list, or driving ten miles out of her way to get the special carpet cleaner, or staying up into What's the Score?

91.the wee hours to hand-make party favors is virtually incomprehensible to a guy. Then, when she starts keeping score with him because he doesn't adhere to the same meticulous (some might call it a.n.a.l) standards, he considers it unnecessary, annoying, and largely ridiculous-"martyr-ish"

was the word many of them used.

The Free Pa.s.s, and Other Grossly Inflammatory Comments Several men told us they think their wife has a Several men told us they think their wife has a Free Pa.s.s Free Pa.s.s when she stays home with the kids, even when they support her decision. They say, "She doesn't have to get up and go to work every day. Yeah, it's work and all, taking care of the kids, but the pressure to perform is not there, and she knows it." We swore we wouldn't reveal the ident.i.ty of the guys who said this, because they all acknowledged that it is a grossly infl ammatory comment, likely to elicit an "off with his head!" response. when she stays home with the kids, even when they support her decision. They say, "She doesn't have to get up and go to work every day. Yeah, it's work and all, taking care of the kids, but the pressure to perform is not there, and she knows it." We swore we wouldn't reveal the ident.i.ty of the guys who said this, because they all acknowledged that it is a grossly infl ammatory comment, likely to elicit an "off with his head!" response.

Did he just say what I think he said? Yep. But wait, there's more . . . Yep. But wait, there's more . . .

"Women have been doing this for thousands of years. There have been centuries of human history where women have had a lot more children than we have, and they had to do a lot more work, churning the b.u.t.ter and was.h.i.+ng clothes in the river.

Why is she always complaining?"

-Bobby, married 7 years, 1 kid "It's hard on my wife because she's an educated, compet.i.tive working woman. But now she wants to be the perfect Mom, too.

I don't see how she's going to make both things work."

-Warren, married 5 years, 2 kids These comments are out there in the realm of guy talk, so we're including them in our discussion. To a great extent they reflect what lies at the root of some men's scorekeeping behavior; they think that their wife is complaining too much about a choice she made-a choice he doesn't have (or doesn't think he has).

When a guy hears his wife perpetually complaining, especially in light of the fact that she does have a choice, it makes him hugely frustrated that he can't make her happy. He can eventually (consciously or subcon-92 sciously) become less sympathetic because he is so annoyed. It can even become his rationalization for doing less, in a pa.s.sive-aggressive kind of way. He just tunes her out, because she'll complain no matter what.

S O LUTI O N S FO R BOTH.

As the writer George Eliot once said, "What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?"

How Do We Rip Up the Scorecard?

"I'd love to stop the scorekeeping. With each year and each kid, we are pus.h.i.+ng ourselves harder. Kids and careers take you to a level where neither of you wants to do (or can do) the work because it's just too much."

Sam, married 9 years, 2 kids Whew, here we are, all these pages of moaning and groaning later. Almost makes you want to throw in the towel, doesn't it? But let's not just yet. Maybe there's some way we can all figure out how to go on living together. . . .

What would it take to get you to ratchet down your own scorekeeping behavior? How much of it is really really your spouse's fault? How much of it is your fault? What are you your spouse's fault? How much of it is your fault? What are you really really looking for? Action? Validation? looking for? Action? Validation?

Equality? Here's another question to ask yourself (it's harder to answer than the others): what is your spouse looking for from you? We used that term ratchet down ratchet down on purpose. Notice we didn't say on purpose. Notice we didn't say end it entirely end it entirely. Big distinction. It's important to acknowledge at the outset of this discussion that we can't stop scorekeeping entirely. We are all human and we can all get kinda bent out of shape from time to time about the dirty dishes in the sink.

What's the Score?

93.Scorekeepers Anonymous Like those recovering from substance addiction know: it's so easy to hit that bottle again. It's so easy to fall off the wagon, back into your old, sorry scorekeepin' ways. So we've formed a support group of three to keep ourselves straight. Here are the minutes from our last meeting: Hi, I'm Julia, and I'm a recovering scorekeeper. Before I started working on this book, and understanding how much I was hurting my marriage with my silent sulking and mental evidence log, I kept score with Gordon about everything under the sun. He was the one who cried out, "It's never enough!" Before I started working on this book, and understanding how much I was hurting my marriage with my silent sulking and mental evidence log, I kept score with Gordon about everything under the sun. He was the one who cried out, "It's never enough!"

And he was right; it wasn't. I couldn't define the rules of the game, much less how anyone could ever win. I stopped the scorekeeping by dividing things up with him. We have an explicit understanding now of who does what. There's nothing to keep score about anymore. I've also figured out that as long as we build some free time into our weekend plan, we're both so much happier. I'm even getting pretty good at ignoring things that are not important. If our sons go to church dressed in football jerseys, so be it. At least I don't have fish in my bathtub like Cathy! (Yuck. Read on.) Hi, I'm Cathy, and I'm a recovering scorekeeper. My scorekeeping binges were usually preceded by months of never asking for help, and never accepting Mike's offers to do the bills, call the plumber, or whatever. "I can do it" was my mantra. My scorekeeping binges were usually preceded by months of never asking for help, and never accepting Mike's offers to do the bills, call the plumber, or whatever. "I can do it" was my mantra.

I was a certifiable combination of perfectionist and control freak. I believed that to get things done right, I had to do them myself. (Basically, I thought the world would be a better place if I ran it.) Furthermore I believed that I, as the mother, was supposed to do everything. But there was a fundamental flaw in my plan. It was just not possible for a working mother of two to get everything done. And it was not possible to try to do it without getting very angry at my husband, even though he was standing on the sidelines eager to help (or, more accurately, to 94 94 find help). I stopped scorekeeping by letting go. I realized that someone else can pay the bills, plan vacations, and find a music cla.s.s. I am a better Mom, wife, and all around nicer person when I share the burdens with Mike.

Hi, I'm Stacie, and I'm a recovering scorekeeper. In fact, the last time I was in a heated scorekeeping battle with Ross was eight months, two weeks, and five days ago, to be exact. In fact, the last time I was in a heated scorekeeping battle with Ross was eight months, two weeks, and five days ago, to be exact.

As we wrote this book, I figured out how infuriating it was for Ross when I accessed my mental database of incriminating evidence-with exact exact precision. I realized I needed to forget all of his past misdemeanors and recognize that he was not trying to be a repeat offender. He really was putting his best foot forward. Now, whenever a scorekeeping argument starts brewing, the first thing we do is laugh at ourselves and call it what it is-a silly, waste-of-time game. When we stop and think about each other's point of view, the funny thing is, we usually figure out that we are both right, in a very "inexact" way. precision. I realized I needed to forget all of his past misdemeanors and recognize that he was not trying to be a repeat offender. He really was putting his best foot forward. Now, whenever a scorekeeping argument starts brewing, the first thing we do is laugh at ourselves and call it what it is-a silly, waste-of-time game. When we stop and think about each other's point of view, the funny thing is, we usually figure out that we are both right, in a very "inexact" way.

We all need to think about how we can make the situation better, because we can't make it go away.

For Starters, Hand in Your Martyr Badge "For to feel oneself a martyr, as everybody knows, is a pleasurable thing."

-Erskine Childers Sorry. That thing's gotta go. We're all guilty of it: men with their high-drama highjinks, "You're ruining my life," and women with their high-octane harping, "You'd be happy to let me do it all on my own, wouldn't you?" We all feel overwhelmed. We all feel underappreciated and totally put-upon by our spouses. We've all played the martyr, and made the scorekeeping worse with the great shows of our suffering. It doesn't really get us anywhere, though, does it? Our spouse gets annoyed by the inference Our spouse gets annoyed by the inference that we are working harder than they are, and withholds the very appreciation and validation we are seeking. that we are working harder than they are, and withholds the very appreciation and validation we are seeking. No one wins. No one wins.

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What's the Score?

95."C'mon, now. Hand it over."

Show Appreciation/Validate There. That's better. Now for some good news. Universally, people told us they want empathy more than they want action. They are perfectly willing to do what they think is more more than their fair share as long as they are getting a little appreciation for it-as long as their spouse says, than their fair share as long as they are getting a little appreciation for it-as long as their spouse says, "Thank you," or "You're doing a great job, and I appreciate it," rather than, "My life is so much harder than yours," or "Can't you see that I've got it tougher?"

What's the best way to motivate somebody? Positive reinforcement.

Julia and Stacie learned this in business school. Cathy learned it in her legal consulting practice. Ac-cen-tu-ate the Pos-i-tive: "You were so helpful with the kids this morning," E-lim-in-ate the Neg-a-tive: "Why didn't you do the laundry tonight?" It's so much more effective. Even better if you go over the top a little bit-even if, deep down, you think it's something your spouse should've been doing anyway and they don't really deserve the accolades. When you let your partner know you appreciate what they've done, you'll motivate them to do it again. (P.S. this works with kids, too.) "I'm so focused on what Kevin hasn't hasn't done that I forget what he does do. And I know there are times I've neglected to tell him anything nice for weeks on end. Just as I'm talking to you about this, I remember his dad made some very nice comments about done that I forget what he does do. And I know there are times I've neglected to tell him anything nice for weeks on end. Just as I'm talking to you about this, I remember his dad made some very nice comments about 96 96 him to me on the phone last week, and I didn't even bother to tell him about it."

-Janet, married 8 years, 3 kids Not sure how to start with this one? So mad that you can hardly for-mulate a coherent sentence like, "Get off your sorry b.u.t.t and help me pick up these toys!" Here are some obvious-sounding, but underutilized ideas to get you started: The Three A's: Affirmation, Appreciation, and Acknowledgment.

Just pick one and run with it.

2. Some sample (indeed, actual) Nice Things to Say Nice Things to Say: * "Gosh, I remember how hard it is to travel on business. You went up and back to New York in one day today. That's a b.i.t.c.h. Yes, you did that because you had to for work, but you also did it for me and the kids. Thank you."

* "You are working and you keep the s.h.i.+t moving at home, too.

Thank you for keeping it all together for us."

* "The other day my husband told our daughter, 'Your Mom is wonderful. Do you know how wonderful she is? She takes such good care of all of us.' He's really good about saying things like that, and it means so much to me."

Actually writing these down makes us feel kind of sappy, but just saying something like this to your spouse can make a big difference.

3. Think about the 101 Invisible Things 101 Invisible Things your spouse does on a regular basis, and point one of them out occasionally: your spouse does on a regular basis, and point one of them out occasionally: * You did the dishes.

* You put up with that putz at the office in an all-day meeting.

* You did my laundry.

* You changed the diaper.

* You sat in traffic for an hour.

* You got the boys dressed and fed before I got up this morning.

* You get the picture . . .

Most of us wait until that invisible thing is not not done to comment on it. We're all pretty familiar with where that gets us. done to comment on it. We're all pretty familiar with where that gets us.

k.u.mbayah Sometimes we get so consumed with all the work that needs doing What's the Score?

97.that we can lose sight of the big picture. Once in a while we have to get our heads out of the laundry basket, the shopping list, the leaky faucet, the work deadline, and the state of the savings account long enough to appreciate all the good things we have.

Setting Expectations and Planning The other most effective way to eliminate scorekeeping is simple, but none of us (and, for the record, none of our husbands) even thought about it until we started working on this book. You have to have a set You have to have a set division of labor. Specifi c areas of responsibility. division of labor. Specifi c areas of responsibility. This does away with scorekeeping. Or at least it takes the sting out of it . . . This does away with scorekeeping. Or at least it takes the sting out of it . . .

For example: Andrea's husband, Daniel, does all the cooking. Helen's husband, Phil, cleans up the kitchen after dinner as Helen gives their kids a bath and gets them to bed. Tom said that he and his wife Joanne have had very explicit discussions about how to divvy up the baby duties: he takes care of the baby from Sat.u.r.day night to Sunday morning so she can sleep in. (FYI: Tom is the Baby-Einstein-on-repeat-play guy.) Allison said, "We set expectations. Two mornings a week Bill gets up with the kids. It used to be me every single morning. He would never volunteer to do it, but we agreed on two mornings a week for him. Now, he does it and doesn't make a big deal out of it."

To do this right, you have to make a list and divide it up. Yeah, we know. We didn't want to do it either because it's boring and time consuming. But it has several benefits, the most important of which being that you can actually stop arguing about who is responsible for what you can actually stop arguing about who is responsible for what. If that's not reason enough for you, here are some more: * It forces us to prioritize.

* It forces us to own up to our own scorekeeping behavior.

* It helps us to see that men are not useless and that women are not control-freak, life-dominating lunatics.

* It helps us eliminate unnecessary stress on our marriages by ill.u.s.trat-ing the sheer physical volume of work we are both facing, together.

98.The Everything List Make a list of everything, absolutely everything you can think of that must be done, sometimes every day, sometimes on the weekends, sometimes just occasionally (like every birthday and holiday).

Daily: work; children (up, dressed, nursed, fed, de-slimed after breakfast, hair brushed, teeth brushed, lunches and backpacks packed, notes, forms, etc.); drive children to school/ day care; daily house maintenance (dishes, laundry, trash, etc.); lawn and garden care; prepare meals; nap management for small children and babies Weekly: family activity and time management (includes birthday parties); adult social-life management (remember that?); grocery shopping/meal planning; after-school activities/ playdate management and transportation; weekly/monthly/ (biannual?) house cleaning (mopping, bathrooms, etc.) Specials: extended family management (visits, calls, etc.); photo management; gift management: birthdays in your family (36 people), birthdays of extended family (620 people); correspondence management (birthday cards, thank-you notes, email); travel management; holidays (cards, decorations, gifts, activities, cooking); home projects (repair, maintenance, and generally making it look nice); volunteer for kids' schools Ongoing Administration: bills; health care (appointments, insurance, etc.); education (school selection and evaluation) Divide and Conquer Divide and Conquer As one couple with five children told us: "We're each giving one-hundred percent here, each in our own way. We have to focus on the end result, not always keeping the score fi ftyfi fty."

Once you've made a list, you'll both clearly see the mountain of work that is always in front of you. The only way to get it all done is to Divide Divide and Conquer and Conquer.

What's the Score?

99.Theresa said, "We have a good division of labor. If he doesn't do his part, it's his problem. If it's not that important, I wash my hands of it."

Play on your strengths. If you love to cook, sign up for that. Retain control over things that are really important to you. If not was.h.i.+ng the darks and whites together is tantamount to your happiness, don't let it go. Keep the laundry on your side of the list. Then relax and a.s.sume your spouse will take care of his or her fair share.

Let's Talk Fruit: Another Great Divide In the course of writing this book, we discovered that when both spouses work, there is less scorekeeping.

An Apples-To-Apples Comparison In general, we found that men whose wives work full-time pitch in more. Consequently, there is less scorekeeping. Our thesis is that these guys pitch in more because (a) they simply have to, because there are not enough hours in the day for their wives to work full-time and take care of everything on the home front, and (b) they have the shared experience of working outside the home ( an apples an apples- to to- apples comparison apples comparison), so they understand how tired/stressed their wives are at the end of the day, because, hey, they are, too.

An Apples-To-Oranges Comparison On the other hand, there seems to be more scorekeeping in the at-home-mother households. What we found is that (a) most husbands have little understanding of how much their wives are doing ( think apples to oranges as you compare their days think apples to oranges as you compare their days), so they don't understand how tired she is, and are therefore less likely to pitch in, and (b) they think that their financial contribution drastically reduces (or negates) their domestic obligations.

Faced with this, what's a wife to do but keep score?

Note: The most effective way to bridge this gap in understanding is the Training Weekend. You'll find the details in Chapter 2.

100.

Here are some examples of how couples have adopted the Divide and Conquer team approach: "I am neat and he is clean. So I straighten up and unload the dishwasher and he cleans the bathroom. About three years ago, he decided to learn how to cook and now does most of the cooking. I do most of the laundry."

-Carla, married 9 years, 2 kids Brandon described a similar setup: "We both work, so we split up the day. I deal with Parker in the morning and Lisa is on in the evening.

Consistency is key. You need to figure out who is good at what and divide the labor accordingly. I'm good at the macro stuff (fixing leaky taps) and she's good at the micro stuff (paying the bills), so we just divide it up that way."