Babyproofing Your Marriage Part 20

This Time Is Unique It's uniquely tough, but also uniquely fabulous. Just accepting that the growing pains are inevitable makes them more bearable. When the three of us feel overworked or even just slightly deprived (as we often do), we remind ourselves not to wish away these precious chubby-thighed, drooly-smiling years. Can you think of any person with older kids who doesn't doesn't say, "Oh, enjoy this time. It goes by so fast." Clearly, their memories are also damaged by several years of major sleep deprivation, but maybe they have a point. say, "Oh, enjoy this time. It goes by so fast." Clearly, their memories are also damaged by several years of major sleep deprivation, but maybe they have a point.

This difficult time will end. As soon as it does, we'll miss it and we'll want it back.

A C K N O W L E D G M E N T S.

This book would not be what it is without the wit, wisdom, laughter, and tears of so many people-whether dear, lifelong friends, or poor, unwitting souls who had the great misfortune to sit next to us on an airplane-who shared their stories. Our heartfelt thanks to all of you, who, though you will forever remain anonymous, let us peek into your hearts, minds, kitchens, and bedrooms.

Thanks to our agent, Richard Abate, at ICM, for your thoughtful guidance, unwavering support, and strictest adherence to the male perspective. Whatever drove you to take a chance on three fi rst-timers, we'll never understand, but we will always be grateful for your recklessness.

Thanks also to Kate Lee, our bonus agent, and the rest of the talented staff at ICM. And where, oh where, would we be without Allyn Magrino, time-honored friend and one of the most well-connected women in New York?

Everyone at HarperCollins has made this experience truly a joy. We are particularly grateful for the enthusiasm and support of our editor, Mary Ellen O'Neill, whose warmth and talent and humor have propelled us forward, challenged our thinking, and kept us laughing from start to finish. Joe Tessitore amazed us with his relentless energy and commitment to make this book a success. Paul Olsewski, Shelby Meizlik, Jean Marie Kelly, Felicia Sullivan, and Laura Dozier are simply the best in the business.

To Larry Martin, thank you for your fabulous ill.u.s.trations and for the extraordinary patience and humor with which you always responded to 276 276

Acknowledgments.

our bizarre, last-minute requests, such as, "Can you make the male rabbit look hornier?"

We'd like to thank our dear parents-Richard and Judy Harris, Bren-dan and Mary O'Neill, and Lou and Julie Pirkey-for a lifetime's worth of love, encouragement, and "fit to burst" enthusiasm. We are also deeply indebted to our fabulous parents-in-law: Susan c.o.c.krell and Will Lapage, Mohinder and Krishna Kadyan, Jerry and Evelyn Stone, and Tom and Weezie Duff, who in no way resemble any of the Outlaws in Chapter 5, and who have gone above and beyond the call of in-law duty throughout this process. Our warmest thanks as well to the wonderful women who've helped maintain peace in our kingdoms, and therefore in our minds: Do-rina Hinosja, Sharlene Parker, Barbara Timko, and Brandy McDonald.

We'd also like to thank our children: Jaclyn, James, Ross, Kate, Maeve, Theo, and Henry; in a way, we wrote this book for you. We want to be the best Moms (and Dads) we can be, and we hope this book will help us do that. We appreciate your (occasional) patience and (limited) understanding. It's more than we deserve. Thank you for helping us make this dream of ours come true. One day, we promise to do the same for you.

And most of all, we want to thank our husbands, Ross, Mike, and Gordon, our biggest fans ( Are you Are you done done yet?) yet?), harshest critics (Here's a (Here's a diagram of all the things you got wrong in Chapter 3.) diagram of all the things you got wrong in Chapter 3.) and greatest sources of inspiration and greatest sources of inspiration (I didn't say (I didn't say that that !) !). For all the times you found yourselves enslaved in a weekend of child care; trawling the supermarket aisles for diapers, milk, and kitty litter; and even bedecked in Pretty Princess jew-elry in a last, desperate attempt to keep the little ones entertained, at the end of the day, you made it all possible. This book springs from the very best places in our hearts, and from the happiness we fi nd in being married to you.

G L O S S A R Y O F T E R M S.

Bait and Switch-A tactic employed to "get the girl or guy" in which a certain behavior is displayed and then discontinued once the objective (e.g. marriage) has been achieved. Both men and women feel like their other halves pull a Bait and Switch once they have kids. Men complain that their wives pull one in the bedroom (Why doesn't she (Why doesn't she ever want to have s.e.x?) ever want to have s.e.x?); whereas women feel that their husbands pull a Reverse Bait and Switch in the romance department in the romance department (Now all I get is (Now all I get is a tap on the shoulder . . .) a tap on the shoulder . . .) and/or a and/or a Domestic Bait and Switch Domestic Bait and Switch on the home front. on the home front. (He used to make dinner all the time . . .) (He used to make dinner all the time . . .) Bas.e.m.e.nt Dweller Bas.e.m.e.nt Dweller-What some men become to avoid the cold fi sh upstairs. Men go underground to develop a hobby or play with their electronic toys (among other things) when they feel like their wives are too tired/busy/annoyed to care about them. Some Dwellers are Potential p.o.r.n Addicts. Most Bas.e.m.e.nt Dwellers are retrievable, however. Wives who venture down below to share in their husbands'

subterranean activities can usually persuade their men to step into the light.

Book Club Refugees-Often married to uncommunicative Bas.e.m.e.nt Bas.e.m.e.nt Dwellers, these women flee to monthly book clubs to fill the emotional voids in their marriages. Husbands who sharpen their romance and communication skills will find their wives eager to migrate back to the sanctuary of home.

The Bottom Head on the Family Totem Pole-How many men feel after kids arrive: unnoticed, unappreciated, and weighed down by the task of supporting everyone else in the family.

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Glossary of Terms The BPYM Call to Inaction-A plea to mothers everywhere to embrace lower standards and end the Uber-Mama Uber-Mama insanity. The movement's manifesto includes calls to a) abolish insanity. The movement's manifesto includes calls to a) abolish Open House Overdrive Open House Overdrive (e.g. setting out fresh flowers before play dates) and b) limit the contents of all birthday party goodie bags to a (e.g. setting out fresh flowers before play dates) and b) limit the contents of all birthday party goodie bags to a Sticker and a Fruit Snack Sticker and a Fruit Snack.

The BPYM Family Management Plan-Policies and procedures developed by Mom and Dad for handling extended family members. Strategies include clarifying The Pecking Order The Pecking Order (see below), (see below), Running Inter- Running Inter- ference (each spouse deals with his/her own offending relatives) and establis.h.i.+ng unique family traditions. (each spouse deals with his/her own offending relatives) and establis.h.i.+ng unique family traditions.

Clash of the Grannies-A high stakes "who will have the greatest infl uence on the grandkids" "who will have the greatest infl uence on the grandkids" tournament played by each set of grandparents. tournament played by each set of grandparents.

Compet.i.tive categories include: The t.i.tle Champions.h.i.+p The t.i.tle Champions.h.i.+p (who gets to be called "Grandma"), (who gets to be called "Grandma"), the Battle for Floor and Wall s.p.a.ce, the the Battle for Floor and Wall s.p.a.ce, the Battle for Face Time, Exclusive Access, Equal Access, and Gratuitous Grandparental Gift Giving. Winners get to claim Winners get to claim Alpha Grandpar- Alpha Grandpar- ent status. status.

Cut the Cord-What Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls should do after they become parents. Failure to cut the cord can lead to Turf Infringement Turf Infringement, a distraught spouse or, in cases of extreme attachment, divorce papers.

Deer in the Headlights-The stunned "I just got whacked over the head"

sensation experienced by most new parents.

Did-Enough Dads-These are the Dads who do just enough to get by.

Domestic Shortcuts Shortcuts (skipping baths and teeth brus.h.i.+ng) are Standard Operating Procedure, and they make liberal use of (skipping baths and teeth brus.h.i.+ng) are Standard Operating Procedure, and they make liberal use of Convenience Convenience Cards (TV, McDonald's, 1-800-Grandma). (TV, McDonald's, 1-800-Grandma).

D-Train-That's D for Divorce. While hitching a ride is appropriate in various circ.u.mstances, the D-Train often brings its pa.s.sengers right back to the place they left. Same s.h.i.+t, different spouse. Changing partners won't change millions of years of the biological hardwiring that drives much of our post-kid behavior.

Divide and Conquer-Unless you have a fleet of staff and unlimited cash, this apportioning of household and parenting responsibilities between spouses is the only way to reduce Scorekeeping.

The Everything List-Drawing up this list of all all the required parenting Glossary of Terms the required parenting Glossary of Terms 279.

and household to-dos is the first step in the Divide and Conquer solution to Scorekeeping.

Extreme Parenting-The tendency to overparent, overschedule, and overeverything our children. All parents who want to give their kids the best possible opportunities can fall into extreme parenting behaviors; although UberMamas UberMamas, and the occasional UberPapa make it an art form. It can cause us to neglect ourselves and our marriages.

Family Tug-of-War-The conflicting familial pulls experienced by new Moms and Dads. Opposing sets of grandparents pull at opposite ends of the rope, and heave extra hard during holidays and birthdays.

Sometimes a spouse joins his or her family in the tugging.

Five-Minute Fix-An underutilized, relatively easy, and most importantly, (for women, at least) non-time-consuming s.e.x act. Its weekly implementation can transform a marriage.

Free Pa.s.s-What some men think their wives enjoy when they stay at home with the kids.

Get Out of Jail Free Cards-A "no strings attached" break given by one spouse to the other. The recipient isn't expected to use Marriage Capi- Marriage Capi- tal (see below) to "buy" his/her freedom (e.g., promising to do all the laundry and/or baths for a week). There is no quid pro quo with these cards. The paroled spouse usually returns with renewed energy, appreciation and a willingness to help. (see below) to "buy" his/her freedom (e.g., promising to do all the laundry and/or baths for a week). There is no quid pro quo with these cards. The paroled spouse usually returns with renewed energy, appreciation and a willingness to help.

The Getting vs. Giving Equation-This formula for marital happiness requires that both spouses focus on what they can do for the other, rather than on what their spouse is not not doing for them. doing for them.

Global Conspiracy of Silence-The iron curtain of secrecy that hides the reality of the Parenthood a.s.s-Kicking Party Parenthood a.s.s-Kicking Party. No one, not even our own parents, will tell it like it is. Some cryptic messages do make it through the silence, though, like advice to stockpile couple time for the famine ahead: "Make sure you go to the movies/out to dinner/sleep in because you'll never, ever get to do it again." in because you'll never, ever get to do it again."

The Granny Grab-A Grandma's involuntary, uncontrollable impulse to s.n.a.t.c.h a baby right out of whoever's arms it happens to be in. This is a force to be reckoned with. Attempts to intercede a Grandma, mid-grab, can result in serious bodily harm.

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Glossary of Terms The Great s.e.x Negotiation-Heavy-duty peace talks held between husband and wife to address supply/demand problems and work toward s.e.xual Equilibrium. Diplomacy skills rivaling those of Kofi Anan are required to achieve a mutually agreeable outcome.

Hardwiring-The genetically programmed instincts that kick in when we become parents. Although both men and women are compelled to maximize their genes' chance of survival; they have different, and often, incompatible hardwiring. She ensures her genes' survival by focusing on her baby. He, on the other hand, seeks to proliferate his genes through s.e.x.

Helpful Man vs. Pa.s.sive Man-The superhero that lurks in the heart of every husband, a man who will pitch in without being asked; and his alter-ego, the guy who parks his a.s.s on the couch and whose sole contribution is to point out that the baby is crying and/or has grabbed the remote. Pa.s.sive Man drives women nuts. Helpful Man, however, always gets the girl.

Hound Dog/Ice Queen Vortex-The highly-scientific BPYM term for people's post-baby hardwired response to s.e.x. He (the Hound Dog) wants s.e.x, baby or no baby, because men proliferate their genes through s.e.x.

She (the Ice Queen) focuses on the baby to the exclusion of all else because women are compelled by nature to nurture their young.

The Hourgla.s.s Effect-This is how many men respond when their wives say no to s.e.x. They tip the sands and make it clear that she needs to "make it up" within a 24-hour time period and indicate (usually with stooped shoulders and a sulky look) that failure to do so will result in supremely grouchy husband behavior. Most women, however, are supremely annoyed by the Command Performance and become even less interested in putting out.

The Ick Factor-The slimy, gross reality of mothering small kids. One side effect of dealing with all the Ick (i.e. bodily fluids and messy baby food) is less interest in s.e.x. What woman wants to deal with another mess after a slog through the Trenches of Muck? Trenches of Muck?

It's Never Enough! -The collective howl of protest from hardworking Dads across the land, who say that no matter what they do, at home and at work, it is never enough, and certainly never -The collective howl of protest from hardworking Dads across the land, who say that no matter what they do, at home and at work, it is never enough, and certainly never good good enough, to satisfy their wives. enough, to satisfy their wives.

Glossary of Terms 281.

JV/Varsity Squads-The teams Moms and Dads "join" after having a baby. When it comes to caring for the baby, Moms demonstrate remarkable talent, fit for the Varsity Squad; while Dads show only "B-Teamer" JV capability. The JV players are quite happy to let the superior players do battle on the field while they wait out the game on the bench. Other Varsity team members include grandmas, sisters, and aunts.

The Lioness Effect-The fiercely powerful instincts of motherhood. In particular, this is the standard instinctive Mom response to Turf Infringement. Even the mildest of women will bare her fangs, sharpen her claws and make an almighty roar if she feels her supreme authority as Mom is threatened.

Marriage on Autopilot-This is the most common marital state for couples parenting small kids; we're not quite asleep at the controls, but no one is actively flying the plane. The "deep and meaningfuls" "deep and meaningfuls" are gradually replaced by are gradually replaced by "time to make the donuts" "time to make the donuts" repet.i.tion and routine. repet.i.tion and routine.

Marriage Capital-Scorekeeping points that are traded back and forth between husbands and wives. Usually wives determine how much capital, if any, to award for a specific activity. (For example, emptying the dishwasher counts, but changing the oil in the car doesn't.) The capital can be positive (he got up with the kids on Tuesday) or negative (he forgot to pick up milk). Positive capital has a use-by date.

Negative capital can be used against the holder, indefi nitely.

Marriage: A Houseplant-Like a houseplant, all a marriage needs to thrive is some regular watering (i.e., s.e.x, SGIs, the occasional deep deep and meaningful and meaningful) and maybe a bit of fertilizer (an annual couple-only weekend getaway). Neglected ones die easily.

Martyr Badge-A self-awarded insignia of suffering (I've been up since (I've been up since 6:00 a.m. Yeah, well I got up with the baby last night.) 6:00 a.m. Yeah, well I got up with the baby last night.) worn by both men and women in the post-baby battle over the division of labor. A worn by both men and women in the post-baby battle over the division of labor. A Perma-Scowl often accompanies the Martyr Badge to complete the look. often accompanies the Martyr Badge to complete the look.

Maternal Gatekeeping-The tendency of many Moms (a.k.a. the Self- Self- Appointed Family CEOs) to micromanage their husbands' fatherhood. Dad is often relegated to the sidelines with the meaningless t.i.tle (like Vice President) of a.s.sistant Mom.

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Glossary of Terms Midnight Chicken-Also known as Who Will Blink First? In this battle of the wills, each parent's objective is to make the other think that they are sound asleep and cannot hear the screaming down the hall. Victory is achieved when one parent (a.k.a. the sucker) gets up and goes to the baby. Experienced contenders play a mean game of Advanced Midnight Chicken, nudging their spouses and whisper-ing, nudging their spouses and whisper-ing, "You're up, I got her last time," "You're up, I got her last time," when, in fact, there was no last time when, in fact, there was no last time . .

The Mom Pie-How a Mom starts to feel after she has a second kid.

Everyone (including Dad) wants a piece of her and there just doesn't seem to be enough to go around. With each new kid the portions get even smaller.

Mommy Brain-The sizable portion of a mother's brain that is consumed with both the day-to-day and long-term minutiae of parenting: carpool logistics, doctors' appointments, a toddler's social development and potty-training progress. There is little mental real estate left over for her husband or herself.

Mommy Chip-A hardwired circuit that is activated when women become mothers. Once triggered, this chip hums 24/7 and cannot be turned off. The chip drives, what men refer to as, crazy Mom behavior. It contains a Worst Case Scenario Program Worst Case Scenario Program that feeds a mother's fears that feeds a mother's fears (Let me just make sure the baby is breathing) (Let me just make sure the baby is breathing) and is plugged into a and is plugged into a Guilt Circuit Guilt Circuit that makes her constantly question whether or not she is doing enough for her kids. that makes her constantly question whether or not she is doing enough for her kids.

Mommy Mode-A condition that describes any woman with a Mommy Chip and Mommy Brain. Mommy Mode is at the opposite end of the female-state-of-being spectrum from Lover Mode.

Mommy Shock-The astonishment women experience when the Mommy Chip is activated and primal maternal love kicks in. The shock is especially acute for women who, pre-motherhood, had a "what's the "what's the big deal?" big deal?" att.i.tude toward babies. att.i.tude toward babies.

Parallel Phenomena: Mom Chills Out and Dad Steps Up-Complimen-tary Mom and Dad behaviors usually triggered by the arrival of kid number two. When Mom relaxes her standards, Dad is more motivated to get involved, and vice versa. One behavior reinforces the other.

The Pecking Order-The post-baby family hierarchy. Ideally, one's Glossary of Terms 283.

spouse and kids should be in the top position, with family of origin members in second place. If the order is reversed, the resulting Turf Infringement commonly produces tears, tantrums, and often downright misery.

Perfect V-Formation-How groups of men arrange themselves when they sense an opportunity to escape the home front. Their organization is seamless. They can mobilize at a moment's notice, equipping themselves with golf clubs/fis.h.i.+ng rods/skis/hiking boots before their wives have a chance to say, "Hey, where are you going?" "Hey, where are you going?"

Provider Panic-The hardwired compulsion many new fathers feel to adequately provide for their growing family. Men, caught in the grips of The Panic, can be found gazing over the crib muttering, "I better go "I better go make more money." make more money." It stimulates a laserlike focus on work, and occurs regardless of current household income or their wife's contribution to such. Morbid thoughts like It stimulates a laserlike focus on work, and occurs regardless of current household income or their wife's contribution to such. Morbid thoughts like "What if something should happen to me?" "What if something should happen to me?"

are often outgrowths of Provider Panic.

The R Word-That's R for romance, a word that most husbands retire from their active vocabulary after they bag their deer. Reinstating this word and putting it into play can have remarkable effects on a man's life, namely that his wife will want to have s.e.x with him.

Ramping Up-The process of adjusting to life with more than one kid.

In addition to adapting to more work and chaos, parents must master man-to-man and/or zone defense and learn to deal with social ostra-cism (usually occurs with the arrival of the third child).

Repeat Offenders-These are Dads who, in spite of their wives' selfl ess efforts to educate and reform them, continue to do and/or say the wrong thing. Most wives deal with Repeat Offenders by listing their husbands' Prior Convictions Prior Convictions and referring to the and referring to the Log of Evidence Log of Evidence. Many men feel there is no statute of limitations. Many men feel there is no statute of limitations.

The Romantic Stage-How women remember life with one kid after they have a second. Adding another child can make Moms nostalgic for the earlier "and baby makes three" "and baby makes three" days as they recall having the time and energy to savor all the special moments. Few of us, however, appreciate the uniqueness of this stage until it is over. days as they recall having the time and energy to savor all the special moments. Few of us, however, appreciate the uniqueness of this stage until it is over.

Schlep-Fest-What our vacations become after we have kids. Dad becomes the Dad becomes the Family Pack Mule Family Pack Mule, and we all have moments when we 284 284 Glossary of Terms wonder if the holiday is really worth the packing and unpacking, dis-rupted sleep schedules and lost blankies.

Scorekeeping-An exceedingly complex, often relentless, t.i.t for tat war waged by husbands and wives over the division of parenting responsibilities and domestic ch.o.r.es.

SGIs (Small Gestures of Intimacy)-These are the simple acts of affection (hugging, kissing, handholding etc.) that start to disappear as s.e.x diminishes. Women withhold them because they worry that kissing etc. will send the wrong "I'm up for some action later" "I'm up for some action later" signal to their husbands. Men in turn become frustrated when the SGIs don't land them in the sack and so give up on them altogether. signal to their husbands. Men in turn become frustrated when the SGIs don't land them in the sack and so give up on them altogether.

Something's Gotta Give/The Great Escapees-Mind-sets that usually coincide with the addition of more kids. Moms feel that giving up an activity (from a weekly spinning cla.s.s to a career) is the only way to move forward. On the other hand, many Dads respond to the additional demands of more children by looking for more elaborate and time-consuming ways to fly the coop (i.e., golf, fis.h.i.+ng trips, campaign work).

Surrendering to the Madness-What happens when Moms and Dads accept that their old lives are really and truly over. The surrender to the chaos and rewards of parenthood often marks the beginning of happier days.

Team Think-A prerequisite for a happy marriage and happy family. The only way a marriage can survive the Grown-ups versus Rugrats battle is for Mom and Dad to work together as a team.

Ten O'Clock Shoulder Tap-Considered by many men to be a form of foreplay. A paw on a wife's shoulder is how some men indicate their desire for s.e.x. The Tap is never accompanied by a term of endear-ment, or any other verbal form of communication, and is rarely well-received by the often sleeping/almost always exhausted wife.

Training Weekend-A 48-hour Navy SEALS-type experience for Dads.

Mom takes off and Dad is left, una.s.sisted, to man the kid and house ropes for the weekend. If done correctly (i.e., Dad has absolutely no absolutely no backup backup) a reinvigorated Mom is likely to return to an enormously appreciative and surprisingly helpful husband, and newly confi dent Dad.

Glossary of Terms 285.

Trickle Down Theory of Familial Happiness-The belief that marital and familial happiness begin with personal happiness. A Happy Self leads to a Happy Marriage, which leads to a Happy Family (i.e., happy kids.) Turf Infringement-When an extended family member or in-law steps over the line and invades a fl edgling family nest.

Vessel Syndrome-The practice of some grandparents and grandparents-in-waiting wherein they treat their own children as little more than vehicles for genetic proliferation (i.e., grandkids).

Vicious Cycle-Where a marriage can end up when the small neglects and seemingly minor offenses go unchecked. A Vicious Cycle usually includes some, if not all, of the following: no s.e.x; nagging; lack of appreciation; self-neglect, and patently unfair division of labor.

Virtuous Act-A small but entirely selfless action that can stop a Vicious Cycle and/or keep a marriage out of Autopilot.

Weekend Warriors-What Moms and Dads feel like on Sat.u.r.day and Sunday. Scorekeeping escalates on the weekend as couples battle it out for some precious alone time. We wrestle with the logistics of taking care of the kids and dealing with all the household c.r.a.p that acc.u.mulates during the working week. Weary from combat, we limp into work on a Monday morning and kiss the desk.

Whiplash-The sensation experienced by many stay-at-home moms that they have been yanked out of the 21st century, and hurtled back in time to the 1950s where they have to cope with gender inequality and never-ending, unappreciated housework.

That Whole 50:50 Thing-The expectation of many women that the equality they expected, and often had, in their pre-baby marriages would continue forever; and the abject disappointment and anger they experience when the lion's share of the post-baby domestic c.r.a.p falls squarely on their plates.

E N D N O T E S.