Babyproofing Your Marriage Part 15

* We (men) start to lose our hair.

* We gain fifteen pounds because we can't get to the gym.

* We develop a slight stoop from carrying thirty-pound children.

* We buy time-management and life-balance books, but never read them. We are still hopeful that someone, somewhere has got this all fi gured out.

"I was mad at the world for a while after we had our kids. But, as I told my friend whose kids stopped napping at the same time, you inevitably slip into a comfort zone with the very things that made you uncomfortable, and you just plain get used to it. Now I cherish the moments when I'm given time alone with just one of my children. Not that I don't wish wish for them to nap at the same time." for them to nap at the same time."

-Ellen, married 9 years, 2 kids Team Think: Grown-ups versus Rugrats "It's 'All Hands on Deck' because it has has to be." to be."

-Cindy, married 9 years, 3 kids "I feel like with each child our marriage got stronger, the bond got deeper, we understood each other better."

-Ruth, married 11 years, 2 kids For most of us, as our families grow, it becomes apparent pretty quickly that, like it or not, the two of us will be obliged to work together if we are going to keep everything afloat. If the game is Grown-ups versus Rugrats Grown-ups versus Rugrats, we need each other in order to win. It's too much for one person to handle. Two interesting phenomena occur simultaneously, both of which precipitate our learning to operate as a well-oiled machine: Dad Steps Up Dad Steps Up and Mom Chills Out and Mom Chills Out.

What's the old adage? The fi rst child makes a man a parent. The sec-Ramping Up and Giving In The fi rst child makes a man a parent. The sec-Ramping Up and Giving In 207.

ond one makes him a father. Many men we spoke with agreed that it was the second or third kids that drafted them into full-fl edged fatherhood. Many men we spoke with agreed that it was the second or third kids that drafted them into full-fl edged fatherhood.

"When we just had one kid, I was like the reserve unit called in occasionally for backup duty. But with three, man, I am on active duty big time," said our former-Marine-friend Sean. At this point, men are simply obliged by the level of work to get involved. Their partic.i.p.ation is a given.

When things start busting at the seams, Mom quickly realizes she needs to relax her parenting standards (matching outfits are no longer required). She may also decide that her husband, clueless as he once may have seemed, is perfectly able to feed, bathe, and dress the kids. "I just couldn't do it all on my own anymore," said our hard-charging attorney-friend Gail.

Needless to say, we're not always moving in synchronized harmony (if ever) and there are times when we think we're pulling more weight than our teammate. It takes some players longer than others to get with the program, but eventually, we start to see some of the signs that we're working as a team: "As I look back, I can't remember when things changed or even talking about it, but now we have an understanding that when the kids are awake both parents are on deck. So, when one of us is making dinner, the other is doing homework/baths/kicking the ball in the backyard."

-Anton, married 9 years, 2 kids Fun with Family Math The Numbers Game Just talking talking about the possibility of more children can cause marital arguments. Many of us have ongoing "how-many-should we-have" debates. According to a poll on about the possibility of more children can cause marital arguments. Many of us have ongoing "how-many-should we-have" debates. According to a poll on babycenter.com babycenter.com, 21 percent of couples are not in agreement about the ideal size of their family ("Yeah, she can have another one, but it just won't be with me!"), and another 43 percent "think" they agree.1 208.

Some couples turn the numbers game into an intricate math equation, with each new variable (kid) requiring an economic a.n.a.lysis that would make Alan Greenspan proud. All for a question that requires a seemingly simple numerical answer.

"We are debating having a third. There are days when we look at each other and say, 'This is a two-kid day.' "

-Ramon, married 10 years, 2 kids Recalculating Many couples reduce their ideal number of offspring with each new baby. For example, when they got married, Mike told Cathy he wanted six kids. After the first, the number was cut to five, and after the second, he concluded that three would be just fine, thank you very much.

The s.p.a.cing Game What do you do if one half of the couple wants to compress diaper duty into the shortest possible time span and the other wants to s.p.a.ce the kids three years apart?

"Each year we wait to have that third kid, means another year tacked onto the time it takes to raise our family. At this rate, we're going to be attending PTA meetings when we're sixty!"

-Dennis, married 10 years, 2 kids The Crying Game: How the Debate Is Settled It's a zero sum game. Someone's going to lose.

Short-Term Impact a.n.a.lysis: "Even though I didn't want another baby, the lure of having lots of s.e.x was enough to convince me."

-Alan, married 9 years, 3 kids Long-Term Impact a.n.a.lysis: "He only wanted two and he won. I think there are a few subjects where the no's always get to win. This was one of them. It took me a few weeks to reconcile to the fact that we would not have three. However, when I thought about how Ramping Up and Giving In 209.

tough things could be if we had three and he wasn't 100 percent committed to it, it became a no-brainer."

-Vivian, married 6 years, 2 kids Ninety-nine percent of the time, the woman gets the swing vote. And really, until men get pregnant and breastfeed, that seems fair to us. Several couples, however, told us they'd used a high-stakes bartering system to come to final terms. Laura told her husband that she would have a third as long as she never, ever had to cook dinner again. Bill extracted a promise of weekly s.e.x from his wife in exchange for a fourth.

Oh, yeah, and be careful what you wish for. We know quite a few couples who, upon going for that second or third, got pregnant with twins . . .

While more kids drag more chaos, work, and financial pressure into our lives, they also instantly give us more clarity and direction. That second one, especially, quickly forces us to close the book on our past life and quit trying to "get things back to the way they were before we had kids."

We accept our new reality. And we are all the better for it.

Bonus Section: A Family Vacation Is Not Not a Vacation a Vacation Ahhh, the family vacation. Fun in the sun? Absolutely. A little R and R? Ahhh, the family vacation. Fun in the sun? Absolutely. A little R and R?

Not quite. A family vacation is not a vacation. It's a Schlep-Fest Schlep-Fest. We work just as hard, if not harder, than when we're at home; doing it in a different place. Often, we return home exhausted, minus the beloved blankie a child can't sleep without, and sometimes, barely on speaking terms with our spouse. Why?

"The five-minute quickie never worked out, or the wife spent half the day looking all over Downtown Disney for her toddler's lost tennis shoe because it was such a cute pair. Or both."

-(Ok, we'll admit it. That was one of us.) Remember the days when your vacation would start when you got on the airplane (or even when you got to the airport)? Shoes off, magazine Remember the days when your vacation would start when you got on the airplane (or even when you got to the airport)? Shoes off, magazine 210 210 open, head back . . . relax. Now, getting there is the most traumatic part of the trip.

Snooty Flight Attendants When you fly with small kids no one wants to know you, least of all the flight attendants. On her maiden voyage alone with a baby, Julia struggled to collapse the stroller with one hand while holding the baby in the other. (She's a pro now, what with all the practice one gets in the security line these days.) Three flight attendants stood watching her, arms folded across their chests. "I asked them if they could help and they told me, most patronizingly, that they were not permitted to hold babies. I don't know why that stopped them from collapsing the stroller. The line was getting so backed up that fi nally, the captain the captain of the plane abandoned the c.o.c.kpit and came out to hold Theo. Surely he should have been fi guring out how to get that thing off the ground, not letting a baby pull off his gla.s.ses. I was mortified. And furious." of the plane abandoned the c.o.c.kpit and came out to hold Theo. Surely he should have been fi guring out how to get that thing off the ground, not letting a baby pull off his gla.s.ses. I was mortified. And furious."

Appalled Pa.s.sengers Cathy flew to Ireland last Christmas with a toddler and a baby. Alone.

(She is quick to point out that it was one of the most stupid things she's ever done.) "I could smell the fear when I got on the plane. Everyone was terrified that they'd be pressed into babysitting duties at 30,000 feet. They all got furiously interested in their books and the contents of their carry-on. When we landed in Dublin ten hours later (after, I admit, almost continuous whining/crying from my two seats), I was approached by a man who asked me when I would be flying back. He wanted to make sure he wasn't on the same fl ight."

On another flight, Stacie's ten-month-old cried at the top of her lungs for an hour. She responded to the "if-looks-could-kill" daggers she was getting by lifting her screaming baby up in the air and announcing, "I've tried everything: bottle, food, pacifier, books . . . I've given it my best shot." She then apologized and sat back down.

The Airport Bathroom Stall When Stacie was seven months pregnant she traveled solo with her three-year-old and one-year-old. Yes, she was that insane. She'll never forget Ramping Up and Giving In 211.

her experience in that 33 bathroom stall: "My oldest said that she had to go, but she was too scared of the 'loud toilet that flushes by itself.' Board-ing was about to start, so I got desperate. While holding my twenty-fi ve-pound one-year-old, very pregnant mind you, I sat on the back of that evil toilet and placed her in front of me and encouraged her to go. But she was just too scared. No one was around, so I lifted her up to go in the sink. Of course a few women walked in and caught me in the act. Yes, I had reached a new low. But I didn't care. I was not going to board a two-hour flight and deal with a three-year-old who had wet her pants!"

A Plea to the Flying Public When you fly alone with kids, one of two things happens.

Either you decide that the human race is doomed, or your faith in humanity is restored.

A woman traveling alone with her kids is often made to feel like she is the lowest form of life on the planet. People sigh loudly and wring their hands behind you because they have to wait an additional two minutes to board the plane, or they sit stone-faced beside you as your adorable toddler waves at them and attempts to grab their watch. We know it's annoying. We were on your side not too long ago.

We have also been moved almost to tears by the milk of human kindness shown us by the countless strangers who've offered to carry a bag, hold a baby, or even play peek-a-boo over the seat for an hour with a toddler. We have all depended on the kindness of strangers, and we are more grateful than you can imagine.

So please, if you can't find it in your heart (or you are physically unable) to offer to carry a bag or collapse a stroller (honestly, no one expects you to hold a baby), just be patient.

Maybe offer a weak smile of sympathy. That's not too much to ask, is it?

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H OW WO M E N F E E L.

"As you have more kids, reality sets in. This is real life and you have to make it work for your family."

-Melanie, married 9 years, 2 kids Who knew our hearts held enough love to go around for all these kids?

Who knew we had such reserves of strength and inner fort.i.tude to care for them all (and our husbands, and maybe even ourselves)? We women sometimes surprise ourselves. Just when we think we can't possibly get up one more time in the night, or that there's no way we'll ever ever make it through the day at work without falling asleep and drooling all over our desks, somehow we do manage. It may not be pretty, but we manage. make it through the day at work without falling asleep and drooling all over our desks, somehow we do manage. It may not be pretty, but we manage.

The question just becomes, "OK. Wow. How am I going to make all this work?"

The Big Chill "I have definitely mellowed out in a lot of ways. I've had to let go and realize that so much is out of my hands and I need to just go with the fl ow."

-Leslie, married 8 years, 3 kids "I read about all those moms who are depressed. I don't have time to get depressed-I'm too busy surviving. I don't even have time to think about getting depressed."

-Erin, married 11 years, 3 kids One way we make it all work is that we do, indeed, mellow out. The actual care and feeding of subsequent kids is ten times easier than the first. Unless, like Kelly, we get the "if I had had the second one fi rst I would have never had another child" colicky baby later in the lineup, we breathe a sigh of relief knowing that the child will survive in our care and we relax. We let our standards slip a bit. Note the following stories as evidence: Stacie: "I was oh-so-particular about when my first had a bottle and how many ounces she consumed. With the second and Ramping Up and Giving In 213.

third, whenever they cried, they got some formula. I fi gured if they were hungry, I'd hear about it."

Julia: "After the little one did his first faceplant into the coffee table, I calmly drove him to the ER for st.i.tches like it was nothing more than an extra-long trip to the dry cleaners.

Granted, the bleeding was minimal, but it just didn't undo me. Of course I felt terrible for him, but, had it been my fi rst, I would have beaten myself up about it for a week afterward."

Cathy: "My sister called one day when the baby was three months old and asked, with mock horror, if she heard TV sounds in the background. I had, of course, at one time stated emphatically that my kids would have no TV until they were three. I had to admit that the two-year-old was watching Finding Nemo Finding Nem.o.-.f.or the second time that day."

Sometimes, we even relax enough to enjoy ourselves . . .

"I feel like I enjoyed my second's baby stage more. With my fi rst, I was always saying, 'I can't wait until he's crawling. I can't wait until he's walking.' With my second I just relished every stage because I knew it wouldn't last long."

-Allison, married 7 years, 2 kids The Romantic Stage When we have our second child many of us look back and romanticize the early days. We don't remember the grenades.

Stacie stopped swinging from the vines long enough to reflect on what she calls The Romantic Stage The Romantic Stage: "Having just one kid-in hindsight, it feels like a movie scene: you're there on the beach with the sun setting as your baby discovers her first seash.e.l.l. You and your husband smile at each other and reflect on the moment. With two or more, it's a different scene altogether: Jaclyn heads toward the ocean as James and (little) Ross head for the dunes and we are tag-teaming the near-constant application of sunscreen and 214 214 building of sand castles and changing of diapers. You don't notice any sunsets. You have to really pay attention to catch 'the moments.' "

When it is just the three of you, no one is distracted-there is time, energy, and sufficient mental capacity to retain all those special moments. Add another kid or two, and it all becomes a big blur. The romantic stage is special. The romantic stage is fleeting. In an instant, it is gone.

Less-Than-Chilled Even though we relax our mommy standards ( Surely sucking on the toothpaste cap qualifi es as teeth brus.h.i.+ng? Surely sucking on the toothpaste cap qualifi es as teeth brus.h.i.+ng? ), we want to make sure that nothing falls through the cracks. We respond to the many-kids-induced-chaos by trying to control it. We buy clothes for the fall at the beginning of the summer, we stockpile diapers and baby food like Armageddon is just around the corner, we schedule appointments months in advance, and we beat ourselves up when we don't manage to do all or any of the above. ), we want to make sure that nothing falls through the cracks. We respond to the many-kids-induced-chaos by trying to control it. We buy clothes for the fall at the beginning of the summer, we stockpile diapers and baby food like Armageddon is just around the corner, we schedule appointments months in advance, and we beat ourselves up when we don't manage to do all or any of the above.

"Our second is six months old and I feel like I am barely keeping it all together. Things keep slipping through the cracks: missed appointments, unfinished naps, the older one wearing dirty clothes to preschool, and the baby not getting bathed for fi ve nights in a row. The first was a huge adjustment, obviously, but the second has upended the careful arrangement I had laid out.

Now, everything just feels so . . . sloppy."

-Bethany, married 6 years, 2 kids The Great Balancing Act "I think juggling being a mother, wife, and professional is something that changes from week to week. Some weeks all is in order. Other weeks, it's just nuts."

-Gwen, married 11 years, 3 kids All mothers, whether they work outside the home or not, are in perpetual motion. If we work, we spend our lunch break running errands so we [image]

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won't get completely steamrolled at the weekend; if we stay at home, we don't get a lunch break. It's a juggling act extraordinaire. We have to keep a bowling ball (the kid), an orange (the husband), and a baseball bat (running the office and/or managing the home front) in the air, all while riding a unicycle through a ring of fire and looking fabulous while we're doing it.

The Mom Pie "Everyone wants a piece of the Mama."

-Vicki, married 5 years, 2 kids When we have more kids, each little person gets a smaller piece of The The Mom Pie Mom Pie. As our banker-friend Mich.e.l.le said, "It's kind of like a dilu-tion effect in an investment if new investors are brought in." (Thanks, Mich.e.l.le.) Then, of course, our Guilt Circuit Guilt Circuit goes into overdrive. "I'm not spending enough time with William. Megan was crying when I left for work this morning. They're not eating enough vegetables." goes into overdrive. "I'm not spending enough time with William. Megan was crying when I left for work this morning. They're not eating enough vegetables."

And, of course, there's that big person lurking around the house looking for his piece of pie, too. One Sunday morning, Cathy, who had both kids yelling "Mama" and waving their arms at her, said to Mike, "Jeez, I need to split myself in two." "No," he said, "in three."

Everyone Wants a Piece of The Mom Pie 216.

After a long day at the circus, there are two choices in front of us: s.e.x and sleep. Do we even need to finish this sentence? We tell ourselves that things will get better when all the kids are sleeping through the night, or in preschool, or maybe fifth grade, and then we'll have time for our husbands again.

Something's Gotta Give With so much more to do, something's gotta give. For the overwhelming majority of us that something is our free time, our hobbies, and sometimes even our girlfriends. When we have more kids, it's fitting in all the other stuff-professional aspirations, friends.h.i.+ps, hobbies, exercise, and marriage-that becomes so diffi cult.

Most working moms want to maximize their "mommy time" and consequently give up all their free time. When they are off, they rarely hand the kids over to Dad to catch a break.

"I work full-time and I feel like that counts as my 'me time.'

When I've worked all day, I just can't justify going to a Pilates cla.s.s or something at night. I am away from my kids enough as it is."

-Hillary, married 7 years, 2 kids Some stay-at-home moms feel a sense of isolation after having more kids.

They're on entertainment duty solo all day long, but the alternative- getting everyone mobilized and out of the house for a playdate-is sometimes even more daunting. "Packing up to take two kids out? It takes a roller bag just to go out for pancakes," said Renee. When they don't get that adult stimulation, they feel like the walls are closing in on them. But if they pay a sitter to give themselves a little break, many wonder, "How can I justify paying someone else to do my job when I'm not bringing in any income?" There are no easy answers.

"I hardly ever talk to my girlfriends anymore. I only chat briefl y with the other moms at school pickup. They're nice, but I don't know them that well. I just never have any time anymore."

-Sara, married 5 years, 2 kids Ramping Up and Giving In 217.

Reconsidering Career Choices "When I was pregnant with my third, I thought, 'Time to quit my job and leave all this c.r.a.p behind.' "

-Colleen, married 7 years, 3 kids The increased workload and the desire to find more "mommy time" leads many women to rethink their work schedules. Some studies say that as many as fifty percent of full-time working mothers change to part-time or take a leave of absence when they have a second child.2 The decision to stay at home or work part-time is easy for some, but agonizing for others.

"I just didn't see how I could continue with the way things were after having my second kid. I had a really demanding job as an attorney, and my husband was traveling all the time for work.

No one was really taking care of the home front, and the kids were going from day care to nannies and then back to day care.

So we decided it made sense for me to stay at home. It was a hard choice for me. Work is a huge part of who I am. I think I was really depressed for a while and I know I took it out on my husband."

-Mary, married 5 years, 2 kids How We Feel About Our Husbands Seeing our husbands really wrap their arms around fatherhood, we can't help but feel that all is right with the world. It gives us the deepest sense of happiness and well-being. When our kids are playing together, and we exchange a "hey, look what we did" smile with our husbands; we can't imagine being any happier. And when he is playing with all the kids . . .

well, we are just fit to burst.

Julia: "Gordon is wallowing in fatherhood like a pig in mud.

He hauls the boys off to the nursery to buy plants and spends all Sat.u.r.day with them in the yard. He's teaching Theo to ride his bike and Henry how to stack his blocks. He handles bath and bedtime like a total pro. Here I am writing this book, but I don't have the words to explain how happy it makes me to feel 218 218 us cohere as a family, to feel like he's content with his family life, too."

Stacie: "Taking care of three kids under the age of five is no picnic. At the end of a tough weekend, Ross looks forward to his next business trip to escape the mayhem. But once he hits 35,000 feet, he can't wait to get back to Jaclyn, James, and little Ross. When he comes home, he runs through the kitchen to greet the rowdy fan club. They treat him like a true rock star.

Sometimes, I actually tear up."

Cathy: "A couple of weekends ago we left the girls overnight with my in-laws. On Sunday morning, Mike told me, 'Let's go get them. I really want to spend some time with them.' It made me ridiculously happy that he wanted to do that-not go fis.h.i.+ng, or sleep in, or watch TV, or catch up on work-just be with them."

Not surprisingly, though, we still want the same things that we have always wanted from our husbands: help and acknowledgement.

Help and Acknowledgement, etc., etc.

"The other day, Eric said, 'The thought of going to the grocery store with both of them is pretty daunting. It's no big deal taking just one.' I said to him, 'Do you remember when Emily was just born and I said to you, 'How am I going to do this?'

and your reply was, 'Women have been doing this for thousands of years, you'll figure it out.' Do you remember that? Now Now do you understand what I was talking about?' And he said, 'Oh huh, yeah, I guess so.' " do you understand what I was talking about?' And he said, 'Oh huh, yeah, I guess so.' "

-Brandy, married 8 years, 2 kids We keep harping on this, harpies that we are. (Sorry, guys, are we starting to sound like the teacher on Charlie Brown Charlie Brown?) It's really the only way that a true parenting partners.h.i.+p is achieved: You don't get it until you do it. You don't get it until you do it.

Ramping Up and Giving In 219.

The Penny Finally Finally Drops Drops Hurrah!