Tales of St. Austin's Part 27

SMITH: Er--um--let me see.

MEPH. (_aside_): Look in the Introduction and pretend you did it by accident.

SMITH (_having done so_): 431 B.C. _circ_.

CONSCIENCE _wipes away a tear_.

CONSCIENCE: Thucydides made himself a thorough master of the concisest of styles.

MEPH.: And in doing so became infernally obscure. Excuse shop.

SMITH (_gloomily_): Hum!

MEPH. (_sneeringly_): Ha!

_Long pause_.

CONSCIENCE (_gently_): Do you not think, my dear lad, that you had better begin? Time and tide, as you are aware, wait for no man. And--

SMITH: Yes?

CONSCIENCE: You have not, I fear, a very firm grasp of the subject.

However, if you work hard till eleven--

SMITH (_gloomily_): Hum! Three hours!

MEPH. (_cheerily_): Exactly so. Three hours. A little more if anything. By the way, excuse me asking, but have you prepared the subject thoroughly during the term?

SMITH: My _dear_ sir! Of _course!_

CONSCIENCE (_reprovingly_):???!!??!

SMITH: Well, perhaps, not quite so much as I might have done. Such a lot of things to do this term. Cricket, for instance.

MEPH.: Rather. Talking of cricket, you seemed to be shaping rather well last Sat.u.r.day. I had just run up on business, and someone told me you made eighty not out. Get your century all right?

SMITH (_brightening at the recollection_): Just a bit--117 not out. I hit--but perhaps you've heard?

MEPH.: Not at all, not at all. Let's hear all about it.

_CONSCIENCE seeks to interpose, but is prevented by MEPH., who eggs SMITH on to talk cricket for over an hour._

CONSCIENCE _(at last; in an acid voice)_: That is a history of the Peloponnesian War by Thucydides on the table in front of you. I thought I would mention it, in case you had forgotten.

SMITH: Great Scott, yes! Here, I say, I must start.

CONSCIENCE: Hear! Hear!

MEPH. _(insinuatingly)_: One moment. Did you say you _had_ prepared this book during the term? Afraid I'm a little hard of hearing. Eh, what?

SMITH: Well--er--no, I have not. Have you ever played billiards with a walking-stick and five b.a.l.l.s?

MEPH.: Quite so, quite so. I quite understand. Don't you distress yourself, old chap. You obviously can't get through a whole book of Thucydides in under two hours, can you?

CONSCIENCE _(severely)_: He might, by attentive application to study, master a considerable portion of the historian's _chef d'oeuvre_ in that time.

MEPH.: Yes, and find that not one of the pa.s.sages he had prepared was set in the paper.

CONSCIENCE: At the least, he would, if he were to pursue the course which I have indicated, greatly benefit his mind.

MEPH. _gives a short, derisive laugh. Long pause._

MEPH. _(looking towards bookshelf)_: Hullo, you've got a decent lot of books, pommy word you have. _Rodney Stone, Vice Versa, Many Cargoes._ Ripping. Ever read _Many Cargoes?_

CONSCIENCE _(glancing at his watch)_: I am sorry, but I must really go now. I will see you some other day.

_Exit sorrowfully._

MEPH.: Well, thank goodness _he's_ gone. Never saw such a fearful old bore in my life. Can't think why you let him hang on to you so. We may as well make a night of it now, eh? No use your trying to work at this time of night.

SMITH: Not a bit.

MEPH.: Did you say you'd not read _Many Cargoes?_

SMITH: Never. Only got it today. Good?

MEPH.: Simply ripping. All short stories. Make you yell.

SMITH _(with a last effort)_: But don't you think--

MEPH.: Oh no. Besides, you can easily get up early tomorrow for the Thucydides.

SMITH: Of course I can. Never thought of that. Heave us _Many Cargoes._ Thanks.

_Begins to read. MEPH. grins fiendishly, and vanishes through floor enveloped in red flame. Sobbing heard from the direction of the ceiling.

Scene closes._

Next morning, of course, he will oversleep himself, and his Thucydides paper will be of such a calibre that that eminent historian will writhe in his grave.

[14]

NOTES

Of all forms of lettered effusiveness, that which exploits the original work of others and professes to supply us with right opinions thereanent is the least wanted.