Philo Gubb, Correspondence-School Detective Part 37

"A dollar-eighty is enough," insists the Bald Impostor. "I have enough to make up the fare, with one-eighty added. And I couldn't ask you to pay for my meals. I'll--I have a few cents and can buy a sandwich."

"My dear boy!" says Judge Orley Morvis, of Riverbank (and it is what he did say), "I couldn't think of the nephew of a Chief Justice of the United States existing for that length of time on a sandwich. Here!

Here are twenty dollars! Take them--I insist! I must insist!"

Some give him more than that. We usually give him five dollars.

[Ill.u.s.tration: HE PERSPIRES, AND OUT COMES THE CRUEL ADMISSION]

I admit that when the Bald Impostor visited me and asked for one dollar and eighty cents I gave him five dollars and an autographed copy of one of my books. He was to send the five back by money-order the next day. Unfortunately he seems to have no idea of the flight of time. For him to-morrow never seems to arrive. For me it is the five that does not arrive. The great body of us consider those who give him more than five to be purse-proud plutocrats. But then we sometimes give him autographed copies of our books or other touching souvenirs.

And write in them, "_In memory of a pleasant visit_." I _do_ wonder what he did with my book!

Judge Orley Morvis was the only Who's Wh.o.e.r in Riverbank, but the town was well represented in "Iowa's Prominent Citizens," and after collecting twenty dollars from the Judge the Bald Impostor proceeded to Mr. Gubb's office.

"Detective and decorator," he said to himself. "I wonder if William J.

Burns has a son? Better not! A crank detective might know all about Burns. I'm his cousin. Let me see--I'm Jared Burns. Of Chicago. And mother has been to Denver for the air." He took out the memorandum book again. "The Waffles-Mustard case. The Waffles-Mustard case.

Waffles! Mustard! I must remember that." He knocked on the door.

"Mr. Gubb?" he asked, as Philo Gubb opened the door. "Mr. Philo Gubb?"

"I am him, yes, sir," said the paper-hanger detective. "Will you step inside into the room?"

"Thank you, yes," said the Bald Impostor, as he entered.

Philo Gubb drew a chair to his desk, and the Bald Impostor took it. He leaned forward, ready to begin with the words, "Mr. Gubb, my name is Jared Burns. Mr. William J. Burns is my cousin--" when there came another rap at the door. Mr. Gubb's visitor moved uneasily in his chair, and Mr. Gubb went to the door, dropping an open letter carelessly on the desk-slide before the Bald Impostor. The new visitor was an Italian selling oranges, and as Mr. Gubb had fairly to push the Italian out of the door, the Bald Impostor had time to read the letter and, quite a little ahead of time, began wiping perspiration from his forehead.

The letter was from the Headquarters of the Rising Sun Detective Agency, and was brutally frank in denouncing the Bald Impostor as an impostor, and painfully plain in describing him as bald. It described in the simplest terms his mode of getting money and it warned Mr. Gubb to be on the outlook for him "as he is supposed to be working in your district at present." The Bald Impostor gasped. "A number of victims have organized," continued the letter, "what they call the Easy Marks'

a.s.sociation of America and have posted a reward of fifty dollars for the arrest of the fraud."

The Bald Impostor glanced toward Philo Gubb and hastily turned the letter upside down. When Mr. Gubb returned, the Bald Impostor was rubbing the palms of his hands together and smiling.

"My name, Mr. Gubb," he said, "is Allwood Burns. I am a detective. I have heard of your wonderful work in the so-called m.u.f.fins-Mustard case."

"Waffles-Mustard," said Mr. Gubb.

"I should say Waffles," said the Bald Impostor hastily. "I consider it one of the most remarkable cases of detective ac.u.men on record. We in the Rising Sun Detective Agency were delighted. It was a proof that the methods of our Correspondence School of Detecting were not short of the best."

Philo Gubb stared at his visitor with unconcealed admiration.

"Are you out from the Rising Sun Deteckative Agency yourself?" he asked.

The Bald Impostor smiled.

"I wrote you a letter yesterday," he said. "If you have not received it yet you will soon, but I can give you the contents here and now. A certain impostor is going about the country--"

Philo Gubb picked up the letter and glanced at the signature. It was indeed signed "Allwood Burns." Mr. Gubb extended his hand again and once more shook the hand of his visitor--this time far more heartily.

"Most glad, indeed, to meet your acquaintance, Mr. Burns," said Philo Gubb heartily. "It is a pleasure to meet anybody from the offices of the Rising Sun Deteckative Agency. And if you ever see the man that wrote the 'Complete Correspondence Course of Deteckating,' I wish--"

The false Mr. Burns smiled.

"I wrote it," he said modestly.

"I am _most_ very glad to meet you, sir!" exclaimed Philo Gubb, and again he shook his visitor's hand. "Because--"

"Ah, yes, because--" queried the Bald Impostor pleasantly.

"Because," said Philo Gubb, "there's a question I want to ask. I refer to Lesson Seven, 'Petty Thievery, Detecting Same, Charges Therefor.' I have had some trouble with 'Charges Therefor.'"

"Indeed? Let me see the lesson, please," said the Bald Impostor.

"'The charges for such services,'" Philo Gubb read, pointing to the paragraph with his long forefinger, "'should be not less than ten dollars per diem.' That's what it says, ain't it?"

"It does," said the Bald Impostor.

"Well, Mr. Burns," said Philo Gubb, "I took on a job of chicken-thief detecting, and I had to detect for two diems to do it, and that would be twenty dollars, wouldn't it?"

"It would," said the Bald Impostor.

"Which is fair and proper," said Philo Gubb, "but the old gent wouldn't pay it. So I ask you if you'd be kindly willing to go to him along with me in company and tell him I charged right and according to rates as low as possible?"

"Of course I will go," said the Bald Impostor.

"All right!" said Philo Gubb, rising. "And the old gent is a man you'll be glad to meet. He's a prominent citizen gentleman of the town. His name is Judge Orley Morvis."

The Bald Impostor gasped. Every free-acting pore on his head worked immediately.

"And, so he won't suspicion that I'm running in some outsider on him,"

said Philo Gubb, "I'll fetch along this letter you wrote me, to certify your identical ident.i.ty."

He picked up the warning letter from the Rising Sun Agency, and stood waiting for the Bald Impostor to arise. But the Bald Impostor did not arise. For once at least he was flabbergasted. He opened and shut his mouth, like a fish out of water. His head seemed to exude millions of moist beads. He saw a smile of triumph on Philo Gubb's face. Mr. Gubb was smiling triumphantly because he was able now to show Judge Orley Morvis a thing or two, but the Bald Impostor was sure Philo Gubb knew he was the Bald Impostor. He was caught and he knew it. So he surrendered.

"All right!" he said nervously. "You've got me. I won't give you any trouble."

"It's me that's being a troubling nuisance to you, Mr. Burns," said Philo Gubb.

The paper-hanger detective stopped short. A look of shame pa.s.sed across his face.

"I hope you will humbly pardon me, Mr. Burns," he said contritely. "I am ashamed of myself. To think of me starting to get you to attend to my business when prob'ly you have business much more important that fetched you to Riverbank."

A sudden light seemed to break upon Philo Gubb.

"Of a certain course!" he exclaimed. "What you come about was this--this"--he looked at the letter in his hand--"this Bald Impostor, wasn't it?"

Philo Gubb's visitor, who had begun to breathe normally again, gasped like a fish once more. He saw Philo Gubb finish reading the description of the Bald Impostor, and then Philo Gubb looked up and looked the Bald Impostor full in the face. He looked the Bald Impostor over, from bald spot to shoes, and looked back again at the description. Item by item he compared the description in the letter with the appearance of the man before him, while the Impostor continued to wipe the palms of his hands with the balled handkerchief.

At last Philo Gubb nodded his head.

"Exactly similar to the most nominal respects," he said. "Quite identical in every shape and manner."