The Last Temptation of Christ Part 9

aCome, my boy,a she said. aItas dark.a aIam going to stay, Mother,a the youth answered.

Mary got up from the rocks where she had thrown herself. Wiping her eyes, she went forward with unsteady steps in order to fetch her son and bring him home. The unfortunate woman had been frightened both by the love which the poor had shown him and by the threats hurled at him by the rich village elder.

aI implore you in G.o.das name not to listen to him,a she said now to one, now to another as she went by. aHeas ill ... ill ... ill. ...a Trembling, she approached her son. He now stood with crossed hands, gazing out over the lake. aCome, my child,a she said to him tenderly, acome, letas go home together. ...a He heard the voice, turned and looked at her with surprise. He seemed to be asking who she was.

aCome, my child,a Mary repeated, clasping him around the waist. aWhy do you look at me like that? Donat you know me? I am your mother. Come, your brothers are waiting for you in Nazareth, and your old father. ...a The son shook his head. aWhat mother,a he said calmly, awhat brothers? My mother and brothers are here.a Holding out his hand, he indicated the ragam.u.f.fins and their wives, and red-haired Judas, who stood mutely in front of the pine tree and looked at him with rage.

aAnd my fathera"a he raised his finger toward heavena"amy father is G.o.d.a The eyes of this luckless victim of G.o.das thunderbolt began to flow with tears. aIs there any mother in the whole world more miserable than I?a she said. aI had one son, one, and now ...a Old Salome heard the heart-rending cry. Leaving her husband, she retraced her steps and took Mary by the hand. But the other resisted, and turned once more to her son.

aYouare not coming?a she cried. aThis is the last time Iam going to say it to you: Come!a She waited. The son was silent: he had again turned his face toward the lake.

aYouare not coming?a the mother cried in a heart-rending voice. She lifted her hand.

aArenat you afraid of a motheras curse?a aIam not afraid of anything,a answered the son without turning. aAnd Iam not afraid of anyone, except G.o.d.a Maryas face became ferocious. She lifted her fist and even opened her mouth to utter the curse, but old Salome was in time to place her hand over the motheras lips.

aDonat! Donat!a she said. She clasped her around the waist and forcefully dragged her away. aCome, Mary, my child,a she said, acome, letas go. I have something to tell you.a The two women started down the hill to Capernaum. Old Zebedee went in front in a rage, decapitating the thistles with his club.

Salome spoke to Mary. aWhy are you crying, Mary, my child? Didnat you see them?a Mary looked at her with surprise and held back her tears. aSee what?a she asked.

aWhile he spoke, didnat you see blue wings, thousands of blue wings behind him? I swear to you, Mary, there were whole armies of angels.a But Mary shook her head in despair. aI didnat see anything,a she murmured, aI didnat see anything ... anything.a Then, after a pause: aWhat good are angels to me, Salome? I want children and grandchildren to be following him, children and grandchildren, not angels!a But old Salomeas eyes were filled with blue wings. Putting out her hand, she touched Maryas breast and whispered to her as though confiding a great secret. aYou are blessed, Mary, and blessed is the fruit of your womb.a But Mary was inconsolable. She shook her head and followed behind, weeping.

The infuriated ragam.u.f.fins, meanwhile, had encircled Jesus. They uttered threats, beat their staffs on the ground, waved their empty baskets in the air.

aDeath to the rich!a they shouted. aYou spoke well, son of Marya"death to the rich!a aGo in the lead and weall burn down Zebedeeas house.a aNo, letas not burn it,a others objected. aLetas break in and divide up his wheat, oil, wine and the coffers-full of expensive clothes. ... Death to the rich!a Jesus waved his arms in despair. aI didnat say that! I didnat say that!a he shouted. aI said, aBrothers, love!a a But the poor were driven wild by hunger: how could they listen!

aAndrew is right,a they yelled. aFirst fire and the ax, then love!a Andrew heard this, standing at Jesusa side, but his head was bowed in thought, and he did not reply. When his teacher in the desert spoke, he was thinking, his words fell on menas heads like stones and crushed them. But this man next to him portioned out his words to men like bread. ... Who was right? Which of the two roads led to the worldas salvationa"force or love?

While all this was spinning in his mind he felt two hands on his scalp. Jesus had drawn near and gently placed his palms on the top of Andrewas head. The fingers were beautifully supple and so very long that whatever they grasped, they embraceda"they had spread out over Andrewas entire head. Andrew did not budge. He felt the suture lines of his skull open and an unutterable honey-thick sweetness flow in, descend to his brain, reach his mouth, neck and heart, continue to his loins, ramify to the very soles of his feet. He rejoiced with his whole body, his whole soul-deeply, with the very roots of his being, like a thirsty tree that is watered. He did not speak. If only these hands above him would never go away! Now, after so much struggle, he finally felt security and inner peace.

A short distance away, Philip and simple Nathanael, the two inseparable friends, were having words.

aI like him,a said the gangling cobbler. aHis words are as sweet as honey. Would you believe it: listening to him, I actually licked my chops!a The shepherd was of a different opinion. aI didnat like him. He says one thing and does another; he shouts, aLove! Love!a and builds crosses and crucifies!a aThatas all over and done with, I tell you, Philip. He had to pa.s.s that stage, the stage of crosses. Now heas pa.s.sed it and taken G.o.das road.a aI want works!a Philip insisted. aThe itch has begun to attack my sheep. Let him come first to say a blessing over them. If theyare cured, then Iall believe in him. Otherwise, he can go you know where with the rest of his kind. Why shake your head? If he wants to save the world, let him start with my sheep.a Night fell and covered lake, vineyards and the faces of men. Davidas wain appeared in the sky. In the east a red star hung like a drop of wine over the desert.

Jesus suddenly felt tired and hungry. He wanted to be alone. The people gradually recalled the journey home, and their houses and the small children who awaited them. Their daily cares crushed down on them again. This was a flash of lightninga"they had let themselves be swept away, but now it had pa.s.sed and they had been recaptured by the wheel of everyday need. Singly, and in pairsa"furtively, like desertersa"they slipped away and left.

Overcome by melancholy, Jesus lay down on the ancient marble. No one held out his hand to bid him goodbye; no one asked him if he was hungry or if he had a place to spend the night. His face turned toward the darkening earth, he heard the hurried steps recede, recede ... and then die out. Suddenly all was quiet. He lifted his head: no one. He looked around him: darkness. The people had left. Around him, nothing but the stars above; within him, nothing but fatigue and hunger. Where could he go? At which door could he knock? He curled up again on the ground, feeling reproachful and aggrieved. aEven the foxes have lairs in which to sleep,a he murmured, aand I have none.a He closed his eyes. A smarting cold had come down with the night, and he was s.h.i.+vering.

Suddenly he heard a groan from behind the marble and then m.u.f.fled weeping. Opening his eyes, he perceived a woman crawling toward him on all fours in the darkness. When she arrived she unplaited her hair and began to sponge his feet, which had been cruelly lacerated by the stones. He recognized her by her scent.

aMagdalene, my sister,a he said, placing his hand on her warm, perfumed head, aMagdalene, my sister, return to your home and sin no more.a aJesus, my brother,a she said, kissing his feet, alet me follow in your shadow until I die. Now I know what love is.a aReturn to your home,a Jesus repeated. aWhen the hour comes, I shall call you.a aI want to die for you, my child.a aDo not be impatient, Magdalene. The hour will come, but it has not come yet. I will call you when it does. Now, go.a She was about to object when she heard his voice again, and this time it was extremely stern: aGo!a Magdalene began to descend the hill. Her light steps were audible for a short while; then, little by little, they were snuffed out, and nothing remained but the smell of her body in the air. But the night breeze blew and carried this away too.

The son of Mary now remained completely alone. Above him: G.o.d, his ebony night-face splashed with stars. Jesus c.o.c.ked his ear as though he wanted to hear a voice in the starry darkness. He waited. ... Nothing. He wanted to open his mouth and ask the Invisible: Lord, are you pleased with me? but did not dare. He wanted to say many things to the Invisible, but did not dare. He was terrified by the abrupt silence which closed in upon him. Surely the Lord must be displeased with me, he suddenly thought, shuddering. But why am I to blame, Lord? Iave told you, how many times have I told you: I cannot speak! But you have pushed me more and more, sometimes laughing, sometimes frowning with anger; and this morning at the monastery when the monks chased me in order to make me Abbota"unworthy that I ama"and bolted all the doors to prevent my escape, you opened a tiny hidden gate for me, you dug your talons into my hair and threw me down here in front of this immense crowd. aSpeak,a you ordered me; athe hour has come!a But I kept my lips squeezed tight and said nothing. You shouted, but I said nothing. Finally your patience gave out and you darted forward and opened my mouth. I did not open it, you opened it for mea"by force; you anointed it not with lighted coals as you are accustomed to anoint the lips of your prophets, no, not with lighted coals, but with honey! And I spoke. My heart was angry; it incited me to cry: G.o.d is fire!a"yes, just like your prophet the Baptista"G.o.d is fire, heas coming! Men without law, without justice, without honor: where will you hide? He is coming! ... Thatas what my heart tried to make me shout, but you anointed my lips with honey, and instead, I cried, aLove! Love!a aLord, O Lord,a he murmured, aI cannot fight with you. Tonight I surrender my arms. Your will be done!a As soon as he said this, he felt relieved. Lowering his head to his breast like a drowsy bird, he closed his eyes and slept. Straightway it seemed to him that he withdrew an apple from under his s.h.i.+rt, split it, removed a seed and planted it in front of him in the ground. No sooner had he done so than the seed germinated, pushed up through its covering of earth, formed a stem, sprouted branches, leaves, flowersa"and produced fruit: hundreds of red apples. ...

The stones s.h.i.+fted; a manas footsteps were heard. Jesusa sleep took fright and fled. He raised his eyelids and saw someone standing before him. Happy that he was no longer alone, he calmly, mutely, welcomed the manas warm presence.

The night visitor came forward and knelt. aYou must be hungry,a he said. aIave brought you bread, honey and fish.a aWho are you, my brother?a aAndrew, the son of Jonah.a aThey all abandoned me and left. Yes, it is true that I am hungry. How is it, my brother, that you remembered me and brought me bread, honey and fish, all the riches of G.o.d? Nothing is wanting but the kind word.a aI bring you that too,a said Andrew, the darkness giving him courage. Jesus did not see the youthas trembling hands, nor the two tears which rolled down his pale cheeks.

aThat firsta"the kind word first,a said Jesus, holding out his hand to him and smiling.

aRabboni, my master,a whispered the son of Jonah, and he stooped and kissed his feet.

Chapter Fourteen.

TIME IS NOT A FIELD, to be measured in rods, nor a sea, to be measured in miles; it is a heart beat. How long did this betrothal last? Days? Months? Years? Jolly and compa.s.sionate, the son of Mary went from village to village with the good word on his lips, from village to village, mountain to mountain, or sometimes by rowboat from one sh.o.r.e of the lake to the other, dressed in white like a bridegroom. And the Earth was his betrothed. As soon as he lifted his foot, the ground he had trodden filled with flowers. When he looked at the trees, they blossomed. The moment he set foot in a fis.h.i.+ng boat, a favorable wind puffed out the sail. The people listened to him, and the clay within them turned to wings. The entire time this betrothal lasted, if you lifted a stone you found G.o.d underneath, if you knocked at a door, G.o.d came out to open it for you, if you looked into the eye of your friend or your enemy, you saw G.o.d sitting in the pupil and smiling at you.

The indignant Pharisees shook their heads. aJohn the Baptist fasts and weeps,a they scolded, glaring at him with leaden eyes, ahe threatens, and does not laugh. But youa"wherever there is a merry wedding, youare first and foremost. You eat, drink and laugh with the rest, and the other day at a marriage in Cana you were not ashamed to dance with the young ladies. Who ever heard of a prophet laughing and dancing?a But he smiled. aPharisees, my brothers, I am not a prophet; I am a bridegroom.a aA bridegroom?a the Pharisees howled, going through the motions of tearing their clothes.

aYes, Pharisees, my brothers, a bridegroom. Forgive me, but I know no other way to describe it to you.a He would turn to his companions, John, Andrew and Judas, to the peasants and fishermen who abandoned their fields and boats in order to run and hear him, seduced by the sweetness of his face, and to the women, who came with their infants in their arms.

aRejoice and exult while the bridegroom is still among you,a he would tell them. aThe days will also come when you shall be widows and orphans, but place your trust in the Father. Look at the faith of the birds of the air. They neither sow nor reap, and yet the Father feeds them. Consider the flowers of the earth. They do not spin or weave, but what king could ever dress in such magnificence? Do not be concerned about your body, what it will eat, what it will drink or wear. Your body was dust and it will return to dust. Let your concern be for the kingdom of heaven and for your immortal soul!a Judas listened to him and knit his brows. He was not interested in the kingdom of heaven. His great concern was for the kingdom of the eartha"and not the whole earth, either, but only the land of Israel, which was made of men and stones, not of prayer and clouds. The Romansa"those barbarians, those heathensa"the Romans were trampling over this land. First they must be expelled; then we can worry about kingdoms of heaven.

Jesus saw the redbeardas frown and from the wrinkles which stormed his forehead read his hidden thoughts.

aHeaven and earth are one, Judas, my brother,a he would say, smiling at him; astone and cloud are one; the kingdom of heaven is not in the air, it is within us, in our hearts. I talk about that, about the heart. Change your heart, and heaven and earth will embrace, Israelites and Romans will embrace, all will become one.a But the redbeard kept his indignation within him, brooding over it and forcing himself to be patient and wait. He does not know what heas talking about, he grumbled to himself. He lives in a dream world and hasnat the slightest idea of what goes on around him. My heart will change only if the world about me changes. Only if the Romans disappear from the land of Israel will I find relief!

One day Zebedeeas younger son turned to Jesus. aForgive me, Rabbi,a he said, abut I find I donat love Judas. When I go near him a dark force gushes out of his body, thousands of tiny, tiny needles which wound me; and the other day at dusk I saw a black angel whisper something in his ear. What did he say?a aI have a foreboding of what he said,a Jesus answered with a sigh.

aWhat? Iam scared, Rabbi. What did he say?a aYou will learn when the time comes. I myself still do not know exactly.a aWhy do you take him with you, why do you let him follow you night and day? And when you speak to him, why is your voice sweeter than it is when you speak to us?a aThat is how it must be, John, my brother. He has the greater need for love.a Andrew followed the new teacher, and day by day the world changed for him, grew sweeter. Not the world: his heart! Eating and laughter were no longer sins, the earth became firm underfoot, the sky leaned over it like a father and the day of the Lord was not a day of wrath and conflagration, not the end of the worlda"it was harvest, vintage, weddings, dancing: the perpetual renewal of the earthas virginity. Every daybreak was a renascence; each morning G.o.d renewed his promise to hold the world in his sacred palm.

As the days went by, Andrew grew calm. He made friends with laughter and food; his pale cheeks reddened. In the evening or at noontime when he stretched out under a tree to eat, or when they were feted in some house by friends, and Jesus, as was his habit, blessed and divided the bread, Andrewas entrails took this bread and immediately transubstantiated it into love and laughter. He still sighed now and then, however, when he remembered his family and friends.

aWhat will become of Jonah and Zebedee?a he asked one day, his eyes lost in the distance. The two old men seemed to him at the ends of the earth. aAnd what about Jacob and Peter? Where are they; in what surroundings are they now suffering?a aWe shall find them all,a Jesus answered with a smile, aand each one of them will find us. Do not be sad, Andrew. The Fatheras courtyards are wide; there is room for all.a One evening Jesus entered Bethsaida. The children took olive branches and palm leaves and ran out to greet him. Doors opened; housewives emerged. Abandoning the housework, they ran behind him to hear the good word. Sons lifted paralyzed parents to their shoulders; grandchildren led blind grandfathers by the hand. Men with bulging muscles dragged along those who were possessed with devils and ran behind him so that he might place his hand on the heads of these maniacs and cure them.

It chanced that this was the day when Thomas the peddler made his rounds of the village. Staggering under his load of spools of thread, combs, womenas wonder-working cosmetics, bronze bracelets and silver earrings, he was tooting his horn and hawking his wares when Jesus saw him. A sudden puff of wind: he was no longer Thomas the cross-eyed merchant. In his hand he held a carpenteras level. He was surrounded by swarms of people, in some faraway country. Laborers were hauling stones and cement, masons were building a large temple, an imposing edifice with marble columns, and Thomas the master builder ran here and there with his level, checking their work. ... Jesus blinked, Thomas blinked in returna"and suddenly he found himself before him once again, loaded down as before with his wares. His sly crossed eyes danced roguishly.

Jesus placed his hand on the peddleras head. aThomas, come with me. I shall load you with other wares: the spices and ornaments of the soul. Your rounds will then take you to the ends of the earth, and you will hawk your new wares and portion them out to men.a aIad rather sell these first,a said the shrewd merchant, chuckling, aand then ... well, letas wait and see what happens.a He swelled his shrill voice and began on the spot to hawk his combs, threads and wonder-working cosmetics.

An old village notable, very rich, cruel and dishonest, stood in his doorway, his hands against the jambs, and stared with curiosity at the approaching mult.i.tude. The ma.s.s of children, running in front and waving their palm leaves and olive branches in the air, knocked on the doors and shouted, aHeas coming, heas coming, the son of David is coming!a They were followed by a man dressed in white, with hair which spilled down onto his shoulders. Tranquil and smiling, he extended his hands to the left and the right as though blessing the houses. The men and women who ran behind him vied to see who would touch him and acquire strength and sanct.i.ty. Farther behind came the blind and the paralyzed, and new doors continued to open and new crowds to appear.

The old notable felt uneasy. aNow who is this?a he asked, grasping the door jambs securely lest the mob rush inside and plunder his wealth.

Someone stopped and answered him. aItas the new prophet, Ananias. This man in white who you see before you holds life in one hand, death in the other, and portions them out just as he pleases. A word to the wise, Ananias: flatter him, treat him well.a When old Ananias heard this, he became terrified. He had many troubles weighing on his soul, and at night he often woke up with a start to find himself struck dumb with fear. In his nightmares he seemed to be roasting, plunged up to the neck in the flames of h.e.l.l. Perhaps this man could save him. Everything in the world is sorcery, he reflected, and this man is a sorcerer. So, letas set the table for him, letas invest a little money to feed him, and perhaps heall perform a miracle.

Having made the decision, he stepped out into the middle of the road and placed his palm over his heart. aSon of David,a he said, aI am old Ananias, a sinner, and you are a saint. When I learned that you deigned to set foot in our village, I had tables set so that you could dine. Come in, please, if youall be so kind. As we all know, itas for us sinners that saints come into the world, and my home is thirsting for sanct.i.ty.a Jesus stopped. aWhat you say pleases me, Ananias. Iam glad to meet you!a He entered the rich village house. The slaves arranged the tables in the courtyard and brought pillows. Jesus reclined, and on either side of him reclined John, Andrew, Judas and also sly Thomas, who pretended to be a disciple in order to eat. The old proprietor enthroned himself opposite them, searching in his mind for a subtle way in which to direct the conversation to the subject of dreams and get the exorcist to exorcise his nightmares. The food was brought, and also two pitchers of wine. The people stood outside and watched them eat and talk about G.o.d, the weather and the vineyards. When they had finished their food and drink the slaves brought kettles and basins. The guests washed their hands and prepared to rise. At this point old Ananiasas endurance gave out. I went to the expense of giving him a meal, he said to himself. He ate and dranka"he and his suite. Now it is only right that he should pay.

aTeacher, I have nightmares,a he said. aI learned that you are considered to be a great exorcist. I did all that I could for you; now, let Your Holiness do something for me: take pity on me and exorcise my dreams. They say that you speak and exorcise with parables. Tell me a parable, therefore. I shall understand its hidden meaning and be cured. Everything in the world is sorcery, isnat it? Well, then, perform your sorcery.a Jesus smiled and looked into the old manas eyes. This was not the first time he had seen the rapacious jaws, the fat napes and quick-moving eyes of the glutted. They made him shudder. These people ate, drank and laughed, thought the whole world belonged to them; they stole, danced, wh.o.r.eda"and had not the slightest idea that they were burning in the fires of h.e.l.l. It was only at rare times, in sleep, that they opened their eyes and saw. ... Jesus looked at the old glutton, looked at his flesh, his eyes, his feara"and once more, the truth inside him became a tale.

aOpen your ears, Ananias,a he said, aand open your heart, for I shall speak.a aI have opened my ears and I have opened my heart. I am listening, praised be G.o.d.a aOnce, Ananias, there was a rich man who was unjust and dishonest. He ate and drank, dressed himself in silks and purple, and never gave as much as a green leaf to his neighbor Lazarus, who was hungry and cold. Lazarus crawled under the tables to gather up the crumbs and lick the bones, but the slaves threw him out. He sat on the threshold, and the dogs came and licked his wounds. Then came the appointed day and both of them died. One went to the eternal fire, the other to the bosom of Abraham. One day the rich man lifted his eyes and saw his neighbor Lazarus laughing and rejoicing in Abrahamas bosom. aFather Abraham, Father Abraham,a he cried, asend Lazarus down; let him moisten the tip of his finger in order to cool my moutha"I am roasting!a But Abraham answered him: aThink back to the days when you ate and drank and enjoyed the fat of the land while he was hungry and cold. Did you ever give him as much as a green leaf? Now it is his turn to enjoy himself, and yours to burn forever and ever.a a Jesus sighed and was quiet. Old Ananias stood with opened mouth, waiting to hear more. His lips had become dry, his throat parched. He looked at Jesus, imploring him with his eyes.

aIs that all?a he asked, his voice trembling. aIs that all; is there nothing more?a aServed him right!a Judas said with a laugh. aWhoever overeats and overdrinks on earth will vomit everything up in Hades.a But Zebedeeas younger son leaned over to Jesusa chest. aRabbi,a he said softly, ayour words have not unburdened my heart. How many times have you instructed us to forgive our enemies! You must love your enemy, you told us, and if he wrongs you seven and seventy-seven times, you must do good to him seven and seventy-seven times. This, you said, is the only way hatred can be discharged from the world. But now ... Is G.o.d unable to forgive?a aG.o.d is just,a interrupted the redbeard, throwing a sarcastic glance at old Ananias.

aG.o.d is perfect goodness,a John objected.

aDoes this mean there is no hope?a stammered the old proprietor. aIs the parable finished?a Thomas got up, took a stride toward the street door, and stopped. aNo, milord, itas not finished,a he scoffed. aThereas more.a aSpeak, my child, and you shall have my blessing.a aThe rich manas name is Ananias!a said Thomas. He grabbed his bundle of wares and was suddenly outside in the middle of the street, where he stood and guffawed with the neighbors.

The blood rose to the old notableas large head, and his eyes grew dim, like the setting sun.

Jesus put out his hand and stroked his beloved companionas curly hair. aJohn,a he said, aall have ears, and heard; all have minds, and judged. G.o.d is just, they said, and they were unable to go beyond. But you have a heart as well, and you said, Yes, G.o.d is just, but this is not enough. He is also perfect goodness. The parable cannot stand as it is; it must have a different ending.a aPardon me, Rabbi,a said the youth, abut that was exactly what my heart felt. Man forgives, I said to myself. Is it possible then that G.o.d does not? No, it is impossible. The parable is a great blasphemy and cannot stand as it is. It must have a different ending.

aIt does have a different ending, John beloved,a said Jesus, smiling. aListen, Ananias, and you will be rea.s.sured; listen, you who are in the yard, and you, neighbors, who laugh in the street. G.o.d is not only just, he is good; and he is not only good, he is also the Father. When Lazarus heard Abrahamas words he sighed and addressed G.o.d in his mind: aG.o.d, how can anyone be happy in Paradise when he knows that there is a mana"a soula"roasting for all eternity? Refresh him, Lord, that I may be refreshed. Deliver him, Lord, that I may be delivered. Otherwise I too shall begin to feel the flames.a G.o.d heard his thought and was glad. aLazarus, beloved,a he said, ago down; take the thirster by the hand. My fountains are inexhaustible. Bring him here so that he may drink and refresh himself, and you refresh yourself with him.a ... aFor all eternity?a asked Lazarus. aYes, for all eternity,a G.o.d replied.a Jesus got up without a further word. Night had overwhelmed the earth. The people dispersed; men and women returned to their wretched huts, whispering to one another. Their hearts had been filled. Can the word give nourishment? they asked themselves. Yes, it cana"when it is the good word!

Jesus held out his hand to take leave of the old proprietor, but Ananias fell at his feet.

aRabbi,a he murmured, aforgive me!a and he burst into tears.

That same night, under the olive trees where they had lain down to sleep, Judas went and found the son of Mary. He could not calm himself. He had to see him and speak to him so that they could lay their cards down on the table and make everything perfectly clear. When, at the house of that criminal Ananias, he had rejoiced at the rich manas punishment in h.e.l.l and clapped his hands and shouted, aServed him right!a Jesus had looked at him out of the corner of his eye for a long time, secretly, as though scolding him, and this glance still tortured him. It was imperative, therefore, that they clear up their accounts. Judas did not like half-baked words or secret glances.

aWelcome,a said Jesus. aIave been waiting for you.a aSon of Mary, I donat fit in with the others,a the redbeard started straight off. aI donat have the virginity and goodness of John, your darling, and Iam not a scatter-brained daydreamer like Andrew, who changes his mind with every breeze that blows. I am a wild, uncompromising beast. I was born out of wedlock and my mother threw me into the wilderness, where I suckled on the milk of the wolf. I became rough, rigid and honest. Whoever I lovea"Iam dirt under his feet; whoever I hatea"I kill.a As he spoke, his voice grew hoa.r.s.e. His eyes threw sparks into the darkness. Jesus placed his hand on the terrible head in order to calm it. But the redbeard shook off this hand of peace.

Weighing his words one by one, he continued: aI am even able to kill someone I love, if I see him slip away from the true path.a aWhich is the true path, Judas, my brother?a aThe deliverance of Israel.a Jesus closed his eyes and did not reply. The two flames which were being slung at him out of the darkness burned him, as did Judasas words. What was Israel? Why only Israel? Werenat we all brothers?

The redbeard waited for an answer, but the son of Mary did not speak. Judas grasped him by the arm and shook him as though trying to wake him up. aDo you understand?a he asked. aDid you hear what I said?a aYes, I understand,a Jesus answered, opening his eyes.

aIave spoken to you without beating about the bush because I want you to know who I am and what I desire, so that you can give me an answer. Do you wish me to come with you or donat you? I want to know.a aI want you to come, Judas, my brother.a aAnd youall let me speak my mind freely; youall let me object, say anoa when you say ayesa? Becausea"Iall tell you so there will be no doubt in your minda"everyone else may listen to you with gaping mouth, but not me! Iam no slave; Iam a free man. Thatas the way things are, and youad better make the best of it.a aBut freedom, Judas, is exactly what I want too.a The redbeard gave a start. Grasping Jesusa shoulder, he shouted with fiery breath, aYou want to free Israel from the Romans?a aTo free the soul from sin.a Judas s.n.a.t.c.hed his hand away from Jesusa shoulder in a frenzy and banged his fist against the trunk of the olive tree. aThis is where our ways part,a he growled, facing Jesus and looking at him with hatred. aFirst the body must be freed from the Romans, and later the soul from sin. That is the road. Can you take it? A house isnat built from the roof down; itas built from the foundation up.a aThe foundation is the soul, Judas.a aThe foundation is the bodya"thatas where youave got to begin. Watch out, son of Mary. Iave said it once and I say it again: watch out, take the road I tell you. Why do you think I go along with you? Well, youad better learn: itas to show you your way.a Andrew was under the neighboring olive tree. He heard talk in his sleep and awoke. Listening intently, he made out the rabbias voice and one other, raucous and full of anger. He quivered like a startled deer. Could people have come during the night to annoy the rabbi? Andrew knew that wherever the teacher went he left behind him many women and young men, and whole flocks of the poor, who loved him; but also many notables, many of the rich and old, who hated him and wanted his downfall. Could these criminals have sent some hooligan to harm him? He crept forward in the darkness on all fours, toward the voices. But the redbeard heard the creeping and rose to his knees.

aWhoas there?a he called.

Andrew recognized the voice. aJudas, itas me, Andrew,a he answered.

aGo back to bed, son of Jonah. Weave got private business.a aGo to sleep, Andrew, my child,a Jesus said also.

Judas lowered his voice now. Jesus felt the redbeardas heavy breath on his face.

aYouall remember that I disclosed to you in the desert that the brotherhood commissioned me to kill you. But at the very last minute I changed my mind, put the knife back into its sheath and ran away from the monastery at dawn, like a thief.a aWhy did you change your mind, Judas, my brother? I was ready.a aI wanted to wait.a aTo wait for what?a Judas was silent for a moment. Then, suddenly: aTo see if you were the One awaited by Israel.a Jesus shuddered. He leaned against the trunk of the olive tree, his whole body trembling.

aI donat want to rush into this and kill the Saviour; no, I donat want that!a Judas cried out, wiping his brow, which had suddenly become drenched with sweat. aDo you understand?a he screamed, as though someone were strangling him. aDo you understand: I donat want that!a He took a deep breath. aHe might not even know it himself, I said. Best be patient and let him live awhile, let him live so that we can see what he says and does; and if he isnat the One weare waiting for, thereas always plenty of time to get rid of him. ... Thatas what I said to myself, thatas why I let you live.a He puffed for some time, scooping out the soil with his big toe. Suddenly he grabbed Jesus by the arm. His voice was hoa.r.s.e and despairing. aI donat know what to call youa"son of Mary? son of the Carpenter? son of David? As you can see, I still donat know who you area"but neither do you. We both must discover the answer; we both must find relief! No, this uncertainty cannot last. Donat look at the othersa"they follow you like bleating sheep; donat look at the women, who do nothing but admire you and spill tears. After all, theyare women: they have hearts and no minds, and weave no use for them. Itas we two who must find out who you are and whether this flame that burns you is the G.o.d of Israel or the devil. We must! We must!a Jesus trembled all over. aWhat can we do, Judas, my brother? How can we discover the answer? Help me.a aThere is a way.a aHow?a aWeall go to John the Baptist. He will be able to tell us. He shouts, aHeas coming! Heas coming!a doesnat he? Well, then, as soon as he sees you, heall understand whether or not youare the one who is coming. Letas go: youall calm your nerves, and Iall find out what I have to do.a Jesus plunged into a profound meditation. How many times had this anxiety taken possession of him, how many times had he fallen face down on the ground, shaken with convulsions and foaming at the mouth! People thought him deranged, possessed with a devil, and they hurried by, frightened. But he was in the seventh heaven; his mind had fled its cage, ascended, knocked on G.o.das door and asked, Who am I? Why was I born? What must I do to save the world? Which is the shortest roada"is it perhaps my own death?

He raised his head. Judasas whole body was bent over him.

aJudas, my brother,a he said, alie down next to me. The Lord will come in the form of sleep and carry us away. Tomorrow, G.o.d willing, weall start off bright and early to find the prophet of Judea, and whatever G.o.d desires, that is what will take place. I am ready.a aI am ready too,a said Judas, and they lay down, one next to the other.

They both must have been extremely tired, for they slept instantaneously, and the next morning at dawn, Andrew, who was the first to awake, found them fast asleep in each otheras arms.

The sun fell upon the lake and illuminated the world. The redbeard took the lead, blazing trail. Jesus followed with his two faithful companions, John and Andrew. Thomas, who still had wares to sell, remained behind in the village. I like what the son of Mary says, the artful peddler spun in his brain, which was trying to make the best of both sides of the situation. The poor will eat and drink their fill for all eternitya"as soon as they kick the bucket. Thatas fine, but, meanwhile, look what happens to us here below! Watch out, Thomas you wretch, watch outa"donat get stuck in either place. To be on the safe side, the best thing is to load your basket with two kinds of wares: on the very top, for all to see, the combs and cosmetics; underneath, on the bottom, for grade-A customers, the kingdom of heaven. ... He giggled, swung the bundle once more onto his back and at daybreak tooted his horn, raised his high voice and began his rounds of the lanes of Bethsaida, hawking his earthly wares.

In Capernaum, Peter and Jacob had got up at dawn to pull in the nets. The mesh was already full of twitching fish which flashed in the sunlight. At any other time the two fishermen would have rejoiced to feel their nets so heavy, but today their minds were far away, and they did not speak. They were silent, but within themselves both had picked a quarrel, now with fate, which kept them tied generation after generation to this lake, now with their own minds, which calculated, recalculated, and did not let their hearts take wing. What kind of a life is this! they shouted to themselves. To throw the nets, catch fish, eat, sleep; and at the break of each new day to start the same old hand-to-mouth existence all over againa"all day long, all year long, for the whole of our lives! How long? How long? Is this how we shall die? They had never thought about this until now. Their hearts had always been tranquil; they had followed the age-old way without complaint. This was how their parents had lived and their grandparents back for thousands of yearsa"around this same lake, wrestling with the fish. One day they crossed their stiffened hands and died, and then their children and grandchildren came and, without complaint, took the identical road. These two, Peter and Jacob, had got along fine until now; they too had no complaint. But lately, suddenly, their surroundings had grown narrow and they were suffocating. Their gaze now was far away, out beyond the lake. Where? Toward what? They themselves did not know; all they knew was that they were suffocating.

And as if this torment was not enough, each day saw pa.s.sers-by come with fresh news: corpses were revived, the paralyzed walked, blind men saw the light. aWho is this new prophet?a the pa.s.sersby would ask the two fishermen. aYour brothers are with him, so you must know. We hear heas not the son of the Carpenter of Nazareth but the son of David? Is this true?a But Peter and Jacob would shrug their shoulders and bend once again over the nets. They felt like weeping, to relieve themselves. Sometimes, after the pa.s.sers-by had receded into the distance, Peter would turn to his comrade. aDo you believe these miracles, Jacob?a aPull the nets and keep quiet!a the loud-mouthed son of Zebedee would reply, and, giving a heave, he would bring the loaded net an armas-length closer.

This day too a carter pa.s.sed by at dawn with additional news: aThey say the new prophet ate in Bethsaida at old pinch-fist Ananiasas house. As soon as he finished eating and the slaves brought him water and he washed his hands, he drew near to Ananias, whispered something in his ear, and all at once the old manas mind turned upside down, he burst into tears and began to divide his goods among the poor.a aWhat did he whisper to him?a asked Peter, his eyes lost once more in the distance, far beyond the lake.

aAh, if only I knew!a said the Carter, laughing. aI would hammer it into the ear of every rich man, so that the poor might have a chance to breathe. ... Farewell,a he called, continuing on his way, aand good fis.h.i.+ng!a Peter turned to speak to his companion but immediately changed his mind. What could he say to him? More words? Hadnat he had enough of them by now? He felt like smas.h.i.+ng the whole works down on the ground, like getting up in disgust and going away for ever. Yes, he would go away! Jonahas hut was too small for him now, and so was this washbasin of water, this lake of Gennesaret. aThis isnat living,a he murmured; ait just isnat living! Iall go away!a Jacob turned. aWhat are you mumbling about?a he asked. aBe still!a aNothing, d.a.m.n it, nothing!a Peter answered, and he started furiously to pull in the nets.

At that instant the solitary figure of Judas appeared at the summit of the green hill where Jesus had first spoken to men. He held a crooked stick cut along the road from a wild kermes oak, and banged it on the ground as he marched. The three other companions appeared after him. Out of breath, they halted for a moment on the summit to survey the world below them. The lake glittered happily; the sun caressed it, and it laughed. The fis.h.i.+ng boats were red and white b.u.t.terflies on the water. Above them flew the winged fishermen, the seagulls. Capernaum buzzed in the distance. The sun had risen high: the day was in its glory.

aLook, thereas Peter!a said Andrew, pointing to the beach, where his brother was pulling in the nets.

aAnd Jacob!a John said with a sigh. aThey still canat wrench themselves away from the world.a Jesus smiled. aDo not sigh, beloved companion,a he said. aLie down here, all of you, and rest. I shall go down and bring them.a He began the descent with quick, buoyant steps. Heas like an angel, John thought, admiring him. Nothing is missing but the wings. ... Stepping from stone to stone, Jesus descended. When he reached the sh.o.r.e he slowed his pace and approached the two fishermen who were leaning over their nets. He stood behind them and looked at them for a long time without moving. He looked at them, his mind empty of thoughts; but he felt himself being drained: a force was escaping from inside him. Everything grew light, hovered in the air, floated above the lake like a cloud; and the two fishermen grew light also and hovered in the air, and their net with its contents was apotheosized: this was no longer a net, these were no longer fisha"they were people, thousands of happy, dancing people. ...

Suddenly the two fishermen felt a tingling on the top of their heads, a strange, sweet numbness. They jumped up and turned with fright. Behind them, Jesus stood motionless and silent, watching them.

aForgive us, Rabbi!a cried Peter, mortified.

aWhy, Peter? What have you done that I should forgive you?a aNothing,a Peter murmured. And suddenly: aDo you call this living? Iam sick of it!a aSo am I!a said Jacob, and he smashed the net down on the ground.

aCome,a said Jesus, extending his hands to both of them. aCome, I shall make you fishers of men.a He took each by the hand and stepped between them. aLet us go,a he said.

aShouldnat I say goodbye to my father?a asked Peter, remembering old Jonah.

aDo not even look back, Peter. We havenat time. Letas go.a aWhere?a asked Jacob, halting.

aWhy do you ask? No more questions, Jacob! Come!a Old Jonah, all this time, was cooking, bent over the grate and waiting for his son Peter so that they could sit down together and eat. Only one sona"the Lord preserve hima"remained to him now. Peter was a sensible lad, a good manager; the other, Andrew, the old man had long ago written off the books. He followed first this charlatan, then that one, and left his aging father all by himself to mend the nets and wrestle with the winds and the confounded boat, besides cooking and taking care of the housea"he had been fighting with these domestic devils ever since the death of his wife. But Petera"my blessing upon him, Jonah reflecteda"Peter stands by me and gives me strength. ... He sampled the food. Ready. He glanced at the sun. Almost noon. aIam hungry,a he grumbled, abut I wonat eat until he comes.a Crossing his hands, he waited.

Zebedeeas house, farther along, was open. Baskets and jugs filled the yard; in the corner was the still. These were the days when the raki which had been distilled from the grape skins and stems left in the wine press was being drawn off, and the whole house smelled of alcohol. Old Zebedee and his wife were having their dinner at a small table under the despoiled vine arbor. Old Zebedee mashed the food as best he could with his toothless gums and talked about developing his business. For a long time now head had his eye on the cottage of old Nahum, his next-door neighbor, who was in debt to him and had not the wherewithal to pay. Next week, G.o.d willing, Zebedee planned to put the house up for auction. For years now he had longed to get it so that he could knock down the dividing wall and widen his yard. He had a wine press, but he wanted an olive press also, so that the whole village could come to him to extract its olive oil, and he could take out a percentage and fill his own jars for the year. But where was the wine press to fit? At all costs he must get Nahumas house. ...

Old Salome heard his words, but her mind was on John, her beloved. Where could he be? What was this honey that dripped from the new prophetas lips? She wanted so much to see him again, to hear him speak once more and bring G.o.d down into the hearts of men! My son did well, she reflected; he took the right road, and I give him my blessing. She recalled the dream she had had a few days earlier in which she pulled open the door and slammed it behind her, leaving this house with its wine presses and bursting larders in order to follow the new prophet. I ran behind him, barefooted and hungry, she thought, and for the first time in my life, I understood the meaning of happiness.

aAre you listening to me?a demanded old Zebedee, who saw his wifeas eyes momentarily droop. aWhere is your mind?a aIam listening,a Salome replied, and she looked at him as though she had never seen him before.

At that moment the old man heard familiar voices in the street. He raised his eyes.

aaThere they are!a he shouted. Seeing the man in white, flanked by his own two sons, he flew to the doorway, his mouth still full of food.

aHey, lads,a he shouted, awhere are you headed? Is this the way to pa.s.s my house? Stop!a He was answered by Peter, while the others went on ahead: aWeave got a job on our hands, Zebedee.a aWhat job?a aA very involved, complicated job,a said Peter, and he burst out laughing.

The old manas eyes popped out of his head. aYou too, Jacob, you too?a he cried, swallowing his mouthful unchewed. With his throat torn in two he went inside and looked at his wife.

aSay goodbye to your sons, Zebedee,a she said, shaking her head. aHeas taken them from us.a aJacob too?a said the old man, not knowing what to think. aBut he had some sense in his head. Itas impossible!a Salome did not speak. What could she say to him? How could he understand? No longer hungry, she got up, placed herself in the doorway and watched the happy company take the royal highway which followed the Jordan toward Jerusalem. She lifted her aged hand and spoke softly, so that her husband would not hear: aMy blessing upon you all.a At the exit of the village they encountered Philip, who had led his sheep to the edge of the lake to graze. He had climbed high up on a red rock and, using his staff as a support, was bending forward to admire his shadow, a black ripple on the blue-green waters of the lake below. When he heard the crunching of pebbles beneath him on the road, he stood up straight.

ah.e.l.lo!a he shouted, recognizing the pa.s.sers-by. aHey, canat you see me? Where are you headed?a aFor the kingdom of heaven!a shouted Andrew. aAre you coming?a aLook here, Andrew, speak sensibly, will you? If youare on your way to Magdala for the wedding, Iam with you. Nathanael invited me too, you know. Heas marrying off his nephew.a aWonat you go farther than Magdala?a Jacob yelled at him.

aI have sheep,a Philip answered. aWhere can I leave them?a aIn G.o.das hands,a said Jesus without turning.

aThe wolves will eat them!a aLet them!a shouted John.

Good G.o.d, those fellows have gone completely mad, the shepherd concluded, and he whistled to gather together his flock.

The companions marched along. Judas, carrying his crooked staff, again took the lead. He was in the greatest hurry to arrive. The hearts of the others were joyous. They whistled like the blackbirds and laughed as they went. Peter approached Judas, the leader, the only one whose expression was somber. He did not whistle, did not laugh; he led the way, anxious to arrive.

aJudas, tell me once and for all where weare going,a Peter said to him softly.