Mince Pie Part 13

For to-morrow there is every prospect of heavy and continuous rain.

SYNTAX FOR CYNICS

A GRAMMAR OF THE FEMININE LANGUAGE

The feminine language consists of words placed one after another with extreme rapidity, with intervals for matinees. The purpose of this language is (1) to conceal, and (2) to induce, thought. Very often, after the use of a deal of language, a thought will appear in the speaker's mind. This, while desirable, is by no means necessary.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

THOUGHT cannot be defined, but it is instinctively recognized even by those unaccustomed to it.

PARTS OF SPEECH: There are five parts of feminine speech--noun, p.r.o.noun, adjective, verb and interjection.

THE NOUN is the name of something to wear, or somebody who furnishes something to wear, or a place where something is to be worn. E.g., _hat, husband, opera_. Feminine nouns are always singular.

THE p.r.o.nOUN is _I_.

ADJECTIVES: There are only four feminine adjectives--_adorable, cute, sweet, horrid_. These are all modified on occasion by the adverb _perfectly_.

THE VERBS are of two kinds--active and pa.s.sive. Active verbs express action; pa.s.sive verbs express pa.s.sion. All feminine verbs are irregular and imperative.

INTERJECTIONS: There are two interjections--_Heavens_! and _Gracious_!

The masculine language is much richer in interjections.

DECLENSION: There are three ways of feminine declining, (1) to say No; (2) to say Yes and mean No; (3) to say nothing.

CONJUGATION: This is what happens to a verb in the course of conversation or shopping. A verb begins the day quite innocently, as the verb _go_ in the phrase _to go to town_. When it gets to the city this verb becomes _look_, as, for instance, to _look at the shop windows._ Thereafter its descent is rapid into the form _purchase_ or _charge_.

This conjugation is often a.s.sisted by the auxiliary expression _a bargain_. About the first of the following month the verb reappears in the masculine vocabulary in a parallel or perverted form, modified by an interjection.

CONVERSATION in the feminine language consists of language rapidly vibrating or oscillating between two persons. The object of any conversation is always accusative, e.g., "_Mrs. Edwards has no taste in hats_." Most conversations consist of an indeterminate number of sentences, but sometimes it is difficult to tell where one sentence ends and the next begins. It is even possible for two sentences to overlap.

When this occurs the conversation is known as a dialogue. A sentence may be of any length, and is concluded only by the physiological necessity of taking breath.

SENTENCES: A sentence may be defined as a group of words, uttered in sequence, but without logical connection, to express an opinion or an emotion. A number of sentences if emitted without interruption becomes a conversation. A conversation prolonged over an hour or more becomes a gossip. A gossip, when shared by several persons, is known as a secret.

A secret is anything known by a large and constantly increasing number of persons.

LETTERS: The feminine language, when committed to paper, with a stub pen and backhanded chirography, is known as a letter. A letter should if possible, be written on rose or lemon colored paper of a rough and flannely texture, with scalloped edges and initials embossed in gilt. It should be written with great rapidity, containing not less than ten exclamation points per page and three underlined adjectives per paragraph. The verb may be reserved until the postscript.

Generally speaking, students of the feminine language are agreed that rules of grammar and syntax are subject to individual caprice and whim, and it is very difficult to lay down fixed canons. The extreme rapidity with which the language is used and the charm and personal magnetism of its users have disconcerted even the most careful and scientific observers. A glossary of technical terms and idioms in the feminine language would be a work of great value to the whole husband world, but it is doubtful if any such volume will ever be published.

THE TRUTH AT LAST

AN EXTRACT FROM MARTHA WAs.h.i.+NGTON'S DIARY

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Feb. 22, 1772. A grate Company of Guests a.s.sembled at Mt Vernon to celebrate Gen'l Was.h.i.+ngton's Birthdaye. In the Morning the Gentlemenn went a Fox hunting, but their Sport was marred by the Pertinacity of some Motion Picture menn who persewd them to take Fillums and catchd the General falling off his Horse at a Ditch. In the Evening some of the Companye tooke Occasion to rally the General upon the old Fable of the Cherrye Tree, w'ch hath ever been imputed an Evidence of hys exceeding Veracity, though to saye sooth I never did believe the legend my self.

"Well," sayes the General with a Twinkle, "it wolde not be Politick to denye a Romance w'ch is soe profitable to my Reputation, but to be Candid, Gentlemenn, I have no certain recollection of the Affaire. My Brother Lawrence was wont to say that the Tree or Shrubb in question was no Cherrye but a Bitter Persimmon; moreover he told me that I stoutly denyed any Attacke upon it; but being caught with the Goods (as Tully saith) I was soundly Flogged, and walked stiffly for three dayes."

I was glad to heare the Truth in this matter as I have never seen any Corroboration of this surpa.s.sing Virtue in George's private Life. The evening broke up in some Disorder as Col Fairfax and others hadd Drunk too freely of the c.o.c.k's Taile as they dub the new and very biting Toddy introduced by the military. Wee hadd to call a chirurgeon to lett Blood for some of the Guests before they coulde be gott to Bedd, whither they were conveyed on stretchers.

FIXED IDEAS

It is said that a Fixed Idea is the beginning of madness.

Yet we are often worried because we have so few Fixed Ideas. We do not seem to have any really definite Theory about Life.

We find, on the other hand, that a great many of those we know have some Guiding Principle that excuses and explains all their conduct.

If you have some Theory about Life, and are thoroughly devoted to it, you may come to a bad end, but you will enjoy yourself heartily.

These theories may be of many different kinds. One of our friends rests his career and hope of salvation on the doctrine that eating plenty of fish and going without an overcoat whenever possible const.i.tute supreme happiness.

Another prides himself on not being able to roll a cigarette. If he were forced, at the point of the bayonet, to roll a f.a.g, it would wreck his life.

Another is convinced that the Lost and Found ads in the papers all contain anarchist code messages, and sits up late at night trying to unriddle them.

How delightful it must be to be possessed by one of these Theories! All the experiences of the theorist's life tend to confirm his Theory. This is always so. Did you ever hear of a Theory being confuted?

Facts are quite helpless in the face of Theories. For after all, most Facts are insufficiently encouraged with applause. When a Fact comes along, the people in charge are generally looking the other way. This is what is meant by Not Facing the Facts.