The Gentleman from Everywhere Part 16

If the money spent every winter in pauperizing the unemployed by giving them free soup, could be devoted to settling colonies upon our uncultivated lands, the vexing problems and contests between labor and capital would be easily solved and obliterated; the unskilled poor would be at once enabled to respond to the call of the poet--

"Come back to your mother, ye children, for shame, Who have wandered like truants for riches or fame!

With a smile on her face, and a sprig in her cap, She calls you to feast from her beautiful lap.

Come out from your alleys, your courts and your lanes, And breathe like your eagles, the air of our plains!

Take a whiff from our fields, and your excellent wives Will declare it all nonsense insuring your lives."

CHAPTER XXIII.

MONARCH OF ALL HE SURVEYED: THEN DEPOSED.

Here on elevated lands around a pretty clearwater lake, directly on the Florida Central and Peninsula Railroad, and near a famous grotto extending deep into the earth, at the bottom of which, like a well, was an abundance of water containing peculiar fish, near the noted Eichelburger cave, and vast forests of gigantic trees with sloping hills around, we founded the town of B----.

I was elected general manager, and went north to sell the $100,000 of capital stock, convertible at the option of the holder into our lands at schedule price, leaving a Mr. B---- as superintendent to cut avenues, build a hotel, and conduct the general affairs in my absence.

For several years I devoted all my energies very successfully to selling the stock and organizing colonies of settlers. I paid ten per cent. dividend on the stock while I was manager, besides furnis.h.i.+ng thousands of dollars to defray expenses of building a handsome railway station, a fine commodious schoolhouse and town hall, a good hotel, and providing good roads.

I went to Tallaha.s.see, and log rolled through the state legislature a bill enabling us to form a city government, and statutory prohibition of all liquor selling in our new town by incorporating said prohibition into all our deeds. After securing these funds and many settlers, also Ex-Governor Chamberlain of Maine as president of our board of directors, I moved to the new town with my family, there to reside permanently.

Here our duties were in many respects agreeable, because useful, for quite a long time. My wife was mother of the town, going from house to house ministering to the wants of the newcomers who had become sick by their carelessness in exposing themselves by night and day while intoxicated with the delights of this incomparable climate. She formed a union church, sang in the choir, and sometimes played the organ. I was the father of the town in many senses of the word, being the only person having any legal authority, and was expected to settle all disputes whether between man and man or between man and wife.

Our town was overrun by hungry clergymen of many denominations and from nearly every state, all clamoring for the lucre to be obtained by preaching in our union church. I might have obtained the friends.h.i.+p of one by appointing him as pastor; but I made malicious enemies of all by insisting upon each one officiating in turn and taking therefor the contents of the contribution box on his day.

The air resounded with the prayer-meeting shouts of these ecclesiastics who all secretly worked against me, because I would not allow them to found as many churches as there were inhabitants.

Many of the impecunious newcomers schemed against me because I could not furnish them all with light work and heavy pay. Some would persist in drinking surface water, ignoring all sanitary laws, became unwell and then cursed the climate and my so-called misrepresentations; others would ignore all instructions as to the agricultural methods essential to success in this climate, and then denounce me on the sly because their crops were not satisfactory.

Many wished to act as real estate agents on commission, and when one succeeded, the rest, fired with jealousy, would accuse me of favoritism because their own incompetency did not secure for them these prizes. Our house was besieged by day and night, so that we had to cut a hole in the outside door to talk with them when we were seeking a little sleep.

We formed a temperance, literary and musical club which every one in the town attended, and at this, at least, we spent many pleasant and useful hours. I was president of this club, and performed all the drudgery necessary to its success. I established a general store at which goods were sold at about cost, but many complained because they could not have unlimited credit.

One oasis in this fault-finding desert, was the outside colony of freedmen. I employed many of them to do the heavy work of clearing avenues, and the air resounded with their cheerful songs, and I had the pleasure, with much labor, to save from the rapacious white robbers, the farms which these colored men had received from generous Uncle Sam. One case will ill.u.s.trate the many instances in which I appeared as umpire.

Uncle and Aunty Peter Gooden owned a fertile farm, and made a good living and more by diligent labor thereon. A white "cracker" coveted this property, and told the ignorant aunty that he would let her have $300 on mortgage at two per cent. per week, so that she could buy a new yellow wagon, silver-mounted harness and prancing mules, a gorgeous red silk dress with much finery, with which she could outs.h.i.+ne all her neighbors. These unsophisticated, honest "c.o.o.ns,"

thinking it meant that they would have to pay only two cents per week, accepted the offer, affixed their X marks to his unknown papers, and not even Solomon in all his glory was arrayed like this simple couple.

In a short time they came to me broken-hearted, sobbing, and wailing, telling me that the "cracker shylock" had foreclosed, ordering them out of their house and home. I at once notified the avaricious shark that he was guilty of violating the laws of the state by defrauding and by false pretenses, tendered him the princ.i.p.al with legal interest, and threatened punishment by law if he did not accept. He said, like the fabled racc.o.o.n in the tree, "Don't shoot, I'll come down." I paid the money for which, in due time, Uncle Peter reimbursed me.

I secured the hatred of the "crackers," but the undying grat.i.tude of the negroes, who vied with each other in bringing us game in profusion, the first fruits of their crops, and shedding tears if we offered payment therefor, begging to be allowed to show their thankfulness by these free gifts. If one of them heard a threat against us he would guard our house all night with a shotgun, and would shadow me as I went about in the night, ready to spring upon any of my a.s.sailants.

[Ill.u.s.tration: Ups and Downs in the Wild Woods.]

I provided a school and church for these loving, dusky children, and it was pathetic and cheering to see them all, from the tiny pickaninnies to the tottering gray heads, going regularly with their primers and Bibles, trying to learn to read and write.

Many pleasant evenings in midwinter we sat on our vine-clad piazza, enjoying the balmy breezes, perfumed with the delicious orange blossoms, looking at the stately pines glorified by moonlight and starlight; listening to the songs of these dark-faced but white-souled serenaders, the whites of whose eyes and perfect teeth could be seen beaming upon us through the dusky shades of the forest.

On the evening of the day when news arrived of the first election of Grover Cleveland to the Presidency, we were sitting as usual on our piazza, when, suddenly, I saw a flash of fire in the woods, followed by the report of a rifle, then others in quick succession. Rus.h.i.+ng to the scene I found a few Southern whites armed with repeating rifles, facing a large band of negroes carrying a motley array of pitchforks, scythes, razors, clubs, and a few ancient shotguns. Yelling: "Hold up!" I sprang between the embattled hosts, and demanded to know what was the row.

"Get out of the way, you d.a.m.ned Yankee," shrieked the crackers, "or we'll riddle you with bullets." Then they gave the far-reaching, fiendish, rebel yell.

"Shoot," I replied, "if you want to be hung."

--"Boys," I said, turning to the darkies, "what's the matter?"

"Oh, boss, ma.s.sa Link.u.m's dead, de Dimikrat am Presidunt, und we poo'

n.i.g.g.e.rs be slabes agin. We fight, we die, but we won't be slabes agin, neber."

Again came the roar of rifles behind me and the minnie b.a.l.l.s went shrieking over our heads. "Boys," I shouted, "you are mistaken. A million Northern soldiers will march down here if necessary to prevent that; go at once to your homes; I will take care of you." Slowly the colored men, who trusted me implicitly, melted away in the darkness.

Again the rebel yell, again the rifle shots high in the air.

"Gentlemen," said I, to the menacing whites, "come with me to the Hall, I want to talk with you."

"To h.e.l.l with you!" they yelled, but followed me into the building.

When they had sullenly taken seats, with guns threateningly at the ready, they glared at me like tigers ready to spring. Soon a man, I had, on my way, sent to the store, arrived with a box of good Florida cigars, and I quietly pa.s.sed them around to my "lions couchant,"

took a seat on the platform facing them, lit up, and commenced the enjoyment of a silent smoke, they following suit.

The tender of a cigar in the South is a recognition of comrades.h.i.+p which is a most potent mollifier. At last they brought their guns to the ground arms, parade rest, and the leader, an ex-Confederate officer, drawled out, "Wall, Yank, what do you want of we uns?"

"Just as you please, gentlemen, peace or war?"

"We are smoking the pipe, or cigar, of peace, Yank."

"So mote it be, brothers," said I, knowing that they were all members of the mystic tie. "We meet on the level, let us part on the square."

"So mote it be," was the response in a regular lodge room chorus.

A few quick signs were exchanged between chair and settees, the ice was broken, the "lodge was opened in due form;" there was no longer any restraint, for we were all members of the most ancient fraternal order on earth, of which the wisest man who ever lived was founder.

They had not known this before. The white dove descended, and they promised on the sacred oath which makes all men brothers, to molest the negroes no more. We had a jolly good time, gave each other the Grand Masonic grip and departed to our homes.

As I walked, I saw several dark figures dodging from tree to tree, and all that night my dusky-hued friends kept vigilant watch and ward about our cottage. The next morning many valiant war-men in time of peace, but peace-men in time of war, told me what brave fighting they would have done for my protection had I but called upon them to do so.

I stocked the lake with excellent food fish obtained from the National Fish Commissioner, built good sidewalks, arched by beautiful shade trees; and many prominent men bought lands in our town. We pa.s.sed an ordinance forbidding the use of our public thoroughfares to cattle and hogs, and for a while the air quivered with the squealings of infuriated razor backs.

Our valiant city marshal would pounce upon each one of these long-snouted swine; then came the tug-of-war, amid clouds of dust; down went marshal and razor-back, the nose as long and sharp as a ploughshare cleaving the earth near the sidewalks lined with laughing people. Our great Floridian always triumphed, and his pig-s.h.i.+p was incarcerated in the town "pound" until owner paid charges and penned his property outside city limits.

Once I saw a terrific contest between one of these long-legged, long-nosed porkers and the lone, pet alligator of our lake. His pig-s.h.i.+p was enjoying a drink when Mr. 'Gator seized him by the snout, the porcine braced and yelled; the 'gator let go in amazement; the pig turned to run; 'gator seized him by the leg, then Greek met Greek, teeth met teeth, till' the saurian struck him with his mighty tail, and all was over; the alligator and the porker lay down in peace together with the pig inside the 'gator.

One day, one of our fishermen brought in a string of trout which far overshadowed the miraculous draught of fishes in the Sea of Galilee.

On being questioned as to how he did it, he said he got one bite and pulled for three hours. The fish kept catching hold of each others'

tails in their eagerness to be caught, until he had landed four barrels of the toothsome fat trout.

Our champion brought from a few hours' hunt, enough quail for the entire town; and when asked how he did it, he replied: "Oh, I saw three thousand quail roosting on the limb of a tree. I had only my rifle with one ball; I shot at the limb, cracked it, their legs fell through the crack which closed when the bullet went through, and chained them all hard and fast. All I had to do was to cut off the limb with my jack-knife and bag the whole lot."

One day this mighty Nimrod brought home three bears and four deer.

"How did you do it?" asked the envious mult.i.tude. "I was asleep in my wigwam, was waked up by a rumpus outside, rushed out with my gun, and chased the crowd around the hut till I was dead beat, then I bent my rifle across my knee into the exact circ.u.mference shape of my house, and fired. The bullet whistled by me for half an hour, chasing the varmints who were chasing each other; b.u.m by, the bullet caught up, went through the whole crowd, and by gum; that 'ere bullet is chasing round that wigwam naouw."