Twenty-six
Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.
–Oscar Wilde
Upon hearing this, Xu Ping froze before starting to shudder involuntarily.
The feeling of suffocation seemed to have come back again.
His head was spinning. Maybe it was the alcohol finally hitting him.
He put his hand on the stack of study materials and breathed, “Sorry, it’s getting late. I’m going to go.”
He made to take the books but was stopped by a hand.
“What’re you afraid of?”
“I’m not afraid.”
“Is it me?”
“I’m not afraid of anybody.”
Huang Fan laughed. “I thought you’d already guessed. Out of all the people I know from high school you’re the only one who still calls me President Huang.”
“...no, it’s not what you think.”
“Xu Ping.” Huang Fan kept his eyes on him. “You and I are the same.”
After a pause, Xu Ping repeated, “Sorry, I really have to go.”
He hurriedly stood up, but Huang Fan grabbed him, making him fall back on the couch. The older man locked his hands above his head and hovered over him.
Xu Ping was so shocked and angry he was shaking.
“Let go!”
“Tell me who hit you.”
“n.o.body hit me.”
Huang Fan stared at his face, scoffing. “Liar.”
Xu Ping struggled against the other man. “I fell down the stairs!”
Huang Fan continued looking down at Xu Ping for a moment before touching his face. “It must hurt. Do you love him so much that you won’t even resist when he beats you?”
Xu Ping shook his head furiously. “Go to h.e.l.l! Let go of me!”
“No wonder you’re so depressed. Does he know your feelings?”
“Shut up!”
“So he hasn’t realized. And you’re too scared to tell him, aren’t you? Since you’re both men.”
“Shut your mouth!”
“How much do you love him? Do you love him so much you touch yourself at night calling his name? So much that you shudder when you get close to him? So much that you wake up from a wet dream about him, your legs and pants covered with c.u.m?”
Xu Ping kicked at Huang Fan but he only held the leg down.
“You lost so much weight partly because of the exam but also because you’ve realized you have fallen desperately in love, right? You want to run but you can’t. You’re in so much pain but have no one to turn to. How would they look at you if they knew? That the smart, proper student, Xu Ping, was a disgusting h.o.m.os.e.xual? You’re too scared to tell your parents, too scared to tell your friends. You find yourself alone in this world with nowhere to go except here, because you know only I can understand your pain, only I can comfort your soul. How long did you wait for me outside? Two hours? Three? Or maybe four? Poor Xu Ping. You’re so heartbroken, yet you put on an act as if you’re all right. You’re on the verge of breaking down yet you don’t have the courage to tell anyone your secret.”
Xu Ping clenched his teeth.
“You fear me, don’t you? Because looking at me is like looking at yourself, dirty and disgusting. That’s why sly little you always kept your distance no matter how I tried to get to know you. You keep running away whenever someone forces you to face the problem. You must be getting desperate to be coming to me on your own accord. You have no other way out, so you’d even drink a poison like me. Isn’t that right?”
Then Huang Fan burst out in guffaws as though he thought of something funny.
While holding down Xu Ping, he began unb.u.t.toning his own s.h.i.+rt at a leisurely pace. “I spent the entire day speaking with a bunch of idiots and crazies. I’m starting to doubt that these guys actually have brains, thinking they could conquer the world with a couple thousand students?! The direness of the situation is painfully obvious, but they still think the revolution is near its victory and won’t leave the square no matter what. Their hearts are empty and weak, not even knowing what they are chasing after. The crowd cheers, and they explode with b.l.o.o.d.y pa.s.sion; they parade the flag of democracy while not even knowing what democracy is. Or they’re just daydreamers who dare to have a vision but hold none of the abilities to make those visions come true. Once they run into trouble, I’m called onto the scene to wipe their a.s.ses. I’ve had it with these so-called team members!”
He took off his s.h.i.+rt, revealing the lean and powerful torso underneath. “Then, as if I hadn’t had enough today, you show up. I spent the whole day dealing with those sons of b.i.t.c.hes at the square and just wanted to come home, take a nice shower and relax. But no, you come to my door crying like a little b.i.t.c.h. I’m not the one you like, but you still come here looking for comfort after getting beat up, and like always you try to run away when we hit the crux of the issue. What the h.e.l.l makes you think I’m a d.a.m.n doormat for you to walk on whenever you want?!”
Then he stopped speaking and leaned down towards Xu Ping until his breath was warm against the younger man’s face. For a split second, his eyes were gentle.
“That guy doesn’t understand your pain at all, not one bit. It makes me furious to think that something I had liked for so long was treated so roughly by someone else.”
He grabbed Xu Ping by the hair and forced a kiss.
Startled, Xu Ping fought back.
“s.h.i.+t! You actually bit me!” Huang Fan wiped away the blood from his lips and sat up, leaving Xu Ping.
He sat on the couch by Xu Ping’s feet and slipped out a box of cigarettes. He slid one out, lit it with a click of the lighter and breathed out a cloud of white smoke.
Xu Ping sat up panting wildly, face full of shock.
“All right, you leave now. I can’t help you with your problem.”
Xu Ping didn’t reply.
“If you don’t leave now, there are no guarantees I won’t rape you.”
Xu Ping sat there for a while, pondering, before saying, “I’m sorry.”
Huang Fan paused with his cigarette and asked, “What? Is that pity?”
“No, not pity. I just think we’re alike.”
Huang Fan scoffed, “I’m not a candy-a.s.s who can’t say s.h.i.+t to the person I love!”
After some silence, Xu Ping nodded. “You’re right. I’ll probably never express my feelings for him because the one I love is none other than my blood brother, Xu Zheng.”
With that said, he headed for the door without checking for Huang Fan’s reaction. His darkest, most hideous secret of his eighteen years of life, the thorn imbedded in his flesh, had been exposed so casually.
Why would he love his brother? What hatred must destiny have harboured to curse him with this twisted and perverse romance? Xu Ping couldn’t find the answers. Sometimes when he looked into the mirror, he even had the unbearable thought that he was not human, for underneath that average face was a frightening beast, lurking quietly.
His hand had just touched the doork.n.o.b when the man behind him grabbed his arm. Then he was spun around, and he struggled against the grip for a moment and only a moment.
Wiping the tears from Xu Ping’s face, Huang Fan sighed. “You really won’t let me off that easily, eh.”
This time Xu Ping did not fight back when he was kissed. Perhaps it was because his shady secrets had been exposed to this man that he could feel this carefree.
“Have you done it before with anybody?” Huang Fan asked as he carried Xu Ping back to the couch.
Xu Ping shook his head.
Huang Fan smiled delightedly.
“Oh yeah?” he said. “Then let me be your brother, Xu Ping.”
The sky was completely dark now. Rain began falling, exploding with plops when it hit the gla.s.s.
The curtains in the living room were not drawn, but the clouds hid the moon, and the room was so dark nothing could be discerned.
Feeling chilly, Xu Ping had to fight hard not to s.h.i.+ver.
Huang Fan poured out half a gla.s.s of baijiu in the kitchen and brought it to Xu Ping. “Drink.”
Xu Ping thought it was water and took a big gulp. The stinging smell rushed up his nose and into his skull, and he began coughing.
“What is that?”
Huang Fan only chuckled.
He took a bit into his mouth and grabbed the back of Xu Ping’s head for another forceful kiss.
Xu Ping felt the liquor dripping down along his neck and then a flaming hot muscle stirring his mouth.
He had never experienced such a strange sensation, as if he were being violated from the inside. While his protests came out as m.u.f.fled noises, his hands pushed the other man.
But they were quickly caught by Huang Fan, who put them behind his neck. “Hold onto me.”
Everything smelled like alcohol. His hair. His skin. Xu Ping felt as though his brain were fried by the smell, and his nose was about to break down.
His white s.h.i.+rt was ripped open, the b.u.t.tons clinking after they sprang away.
He wanted to say no, but there was another tongue in his mouth blocking the way.
Every part of him was being touched. The other man was sucking his neck while roughly playing with his chest as he would that of a woman. He was met with an unusual tingle that shot up his spine when his nipples were touched, and he couldn’t hold back a yelp.
Taking notice of this, Huang Fan ducked down and began licking, flicking a nipple with his tongue.
Xu Ping clenched his teeth while his chest rose and fell violently.
His belt was undone. His pants were torn off.
The man’s hand was on his p.e.n.i.s which was only slightly engorged, not yet hard.
Huang Fan held the younger man in his arms, licking his ear while stroking his p.e.n.i.s.
Eyes tightly shut, Xu Ping stayed soundless.
Fingers drew circles on the head of his member. Hands were wrapped around his p.e.n.i.s, kneading. He was erect but his erection was soft and limp.
Huang Fan was licking his neck when he suddenly whispered in his ear, “Gege.”
Xu Ping shuddered as though electricity ran through him. His member instantly filled with blood, hardening into a rod.
In the house where nothing could be discerned; even the scents were muddied by alcohol. The person behind him was tall and his embrace warm. He was calling him gege. He was licking his earlobe. Who is this? Who is this?
I love you, Gege.
Don’t leave me, Gege.
I love Gege, but Gege doesn’t love me.
We have to be together forever, Gege.
Gege. Gege.
Oh, it must be Xiao-Zheng.
So it’s Xiao-Zheng.
His eyes closed, Xu Ping reached behind himself to cup his brother’s face.
Don’t be afraid, Xiao-Zheng, I will always protect you. Gege will never leave you.
His underwear was peeled off. His legs were spread open.
It was embarra.s.sing to be facing the door with his legs splayed wide open, but as long as it was what his brother wanted, he was fine with it.
Even if his nipples were painfully twisted or his member roughly treated, he would still shake uncontrollably at even the lightest breath down his neck from his brother.
He rested his head back on the shoulder behind him and reached with both hands to hug his neck.
Feeling his brother’s erection poking at his waist, he couldn’t help but touch it, but he was stopped.
Then he was flipped over like a fish in a pan to land face down on the couch with his b.u.t.t high in the air.
Both his hands were being held down while relentless kisses trailed down his spine.
His cheeks were spread apart. Xu Ping shuddered from the pain when one finger entered him. The foreign invasion made him struggle, as though his body knew, despite the amount of alcohol flowing through him, that he would fall victim to immense pain if he were not to fight back now.
“Gege.”
Hearing the gentle beckon, he eventually stopped writhing.
The finger slid in and out of him. Soon, one became two.
It took Xu Ping a very long time before he realized why his brother had to play with that filthy place. He pressed his face against the couch and bore with it in silence.
It didn’t feel good at all, but if it was what his brother wanted, it didn’t matter if he was going to bleed or be broken.
The thought of his brother entering him made him shake with fear but also want to cry from excitement.
There was a voice in his head constantly reminding him that something was wrong, but he purposely ignored it. He didn’t want to think about anything just this once. Just once was good enough. Then he would abandon all these feelings to become a good son, a good brother.
He raised his head and urged the person behind him with closed eyes, “Hurry.”
He heard a quiet laugh from behind.
Silently, he repeated his brother’s name.
Xiao-Zheng. Xiao-Zheng. Xiao-Zheng.
He was ready.
Then – CLICK! – the lights came on in the living room as though it had woken up from its dream.
He heard a young man’s slightly accented voice say as luggage was tossed onto the ground, “What the h.e.l.l. You left the door unlocked…”
It was the roommate.
