Tales from Blackwood Volume V Part 19

"Ah, citizen, is it thou?" said the poissarde more loudly than was at all convenient. "Here is thy fellow trying to play me a pretty trick!

Perfidious monster! was this what thou meant by all thy professions of love?"

"For heaven's sake, take the woman off, or she will strangle me!"

muttered Bagsby.

"Pray, hus.h.!.+ my dear madam, hus.h.!.+" said I, "or you may wake some of our friends."

"What care I?" said the poissarde; "let them wake, and I will denounce the villain who has dared to trifle with my affections!"

"Nay, but consider the consequences!" said I. "Do, pray, be silent for one moment. Bagsby, this is a bad business!"

"You need not tell me that," groaned Bagsby.

"Your life depends upon this woman, and you must appease her somehow."

"I'll agree to anything," said the terrified Minister of Marine.

"Yes! I will be avenged!" cried the poissarde; "I will have his heart's blood, since he has dared to deceive me. How! is this the way they treat a daughter of the people?"

"Citoyenne!" I said, "you are wrong--utterly wrong. Believe me, he loves you pa.s.sionately. What proof do you desire?"

"Let him marry me to-morrow," said the poissarde, "in this very room, or I shall immediately raise the alarm."

I tried to mitigate the sentence, but the poissarde was perfectly obdurate.

"Bagsby, there is no help for it!" said I. "We are in the midst of a revolution, and must go along with it. She insists upon you marrying her to-morrow. The alternative is instant death."

"I'll do it," said Bagsby, quietly; "anything is better than being murdered in cold blood."

The countenance of the poissarde brightened.

"Aha!" said she, taking the submissive Bagsby by the ear, "so thou art to be my republican husband after all, _coquin_? Come along. I shall take care that thou dost not escape again to-night, and to-morrow I shall keep thee for ever!"

So saying, she conducted her captive to the other end of the hall.

CHAPTER VI.

A REPUBLICAN WEDDING.

"This is great news!" said Destripes, as we mustered round the revolutionary breakfast table. "Hast heard, citizen? Our colleague the Minister of Marine is about to contract an alliance with a daughter of the people. _Corbleu!_ There is no such sport as a regular republican marriage!"

"In my early days," said Jupiter Potard, "we had them very frequently.

The way was, to tie two young aristocrats together, and throw them into the Seine. How poor dear Carrier used to laugh at the fun! Oh, my friends! we shall never see such merry times again."

"Come, don't be down-hearted, old fellow!" cried Destripes. "We never can tell what is before us. I don't despair of seeing something yet which might make the ghost of Collot d'Herbois rub its hands with ecstasy. But to our present work. Let us get over the business of the day, and then celebrate the wedding with a roaring festival."

"But where are we to find a priest?" asked Saigne-du-nez. "I question whether any of our fraternity has ever taken orders."

"Priest!" cried Destripes ferociously. "Is this an age of superst.i.tion?

I tell thee, Saigne-du-nez, that if any such fellow were here, he should presently be dangling from the ceiling! What better priest would'st thou have than our venerable friend Potard?"

"Ay, ay!" said Pomme-de-terre, "Potard will do the work famously. I'll warrant me, with that long beard of his, he has sate for a high-priest ere now. But look at Citoyenne Corbeille, how fond she seems of her bargain. _Ventrebleu!_ our colleague is sure to be a happy man!"

Whatever happiness might be in store for Bagsby hereafter, there was no appearance of it just then. He sate beside his bride like a criminal on the morning of his execution; and such efforts as he did make to respond to her attentions were rueful and ludicrous in the extreme.

Breakfast over, we proceeded to council; but as we had no deputations to receive, and no fresh arrangements to make, our sitting was rather brief. Bagsby, in order, as I supposed, to gain time, entreated me to broach the topics of free-trade and unrestricted international exchange; but recent events had driven the doctrines of Manchester from my head, and somewhat shaken my belief in the infallibility of the prophets of the League. Besides, I doubted very much whether our Provisional Ministry cared one farthing for duties upon calico and linen, neither of these being articles in which they were wont exorbitantly to indulge; and I perfectly understood the danger of appearing over tedious upon any subject in a society so strangely const.i.tuted. I therefore turned a deaf ear to the prayers of Bagsby, and refused to enlighten the council at the risk of the integrity of my neck. No reply whatever had been made by the authorities without, to our communication of the previous day.

One o'clock was the hour appointed by the Provisional Government for the nuptial ceremony, which was to be performed with great solemnity. About twelve the bride, accompanied by three other poissardes, retired, in order to select from the stores of the palace a costume befitting the occasion. In the mean time, I had great difficulty in keeping up the courage of Bagsby,--indeed, he was only manageable through the medium of doses of brandy. At times he would burst out into a paroxysm of pa.s.sion, and execrate collectively and individually the whole body of the Manchester League, who had sent him upon this unfortunate mission to Paris. This profanity over, he would burst into tears, bewail his wretched lot, and apostrophise a certain buxom widow, who seemed to dwell somewhere in the neighbourhood of Macclesfield. As for the French, the outpourings from the vial of his wrath upon that devoted nation were most awful and unchristian. The plagues of Egypt were a joke to the torments which he invoked upon their heads; and I felt intensely thankful that not one of our companions understood a syllable of English, else the grave would inevitably have been the bridal couch of the Bagsby.

It now became my duty to see the bridegroom properly attired; for which purpose, with permission of our colleagues, I conducted Bagsby to a neighbouring room, where a full suit of uniform, perhaps the property of Louis Philippe, had been laid out.

"Come now, Mr Bagsby," said I, observing that he was about to renew his lamentations, "we have had quite enough of this. You have brought it upon yourself. Had you warned me of your design last night, it is quite possible that both of us might have escaped; but you chose to essay the adventure single-handed, and, having failed, you must stand by the consequences. After all, what is it? Merely marriage, a thing which almost every man must undergo at least once in his lifetime."

"Oh! but such a woman--such a she-devil rather!" groaned Bagsby. "I shouldn't be the least surprised if she bites as bad as a crocodile. How can I ever take such a monster home, and introduce her to my friends?"

"I see no occasion for that, my good fellow. Why not stay here and become a naturalised Frenchman?"

"Here? I'd as soon think of staying in a lunatic asylum! Indeed I may be in one soon enough, for flesh and blood can't stand this kind of torture long. But I say," continued he, a ray of hope flas.h.i.+ng across his countenance, "they surely can't make it a real marriage after all.

Hanged if any one of these blackguards is a clergyman; and even if he was, they haven't got a special license."

"Don't deceive yourself, Mr Bagsby," said I; "marriage in France is a mere social contract, and can be established by witnesses, of whom there will be but too many present."

"Then I say they are an infernal set of incarnate pestiferous heathens!

What! marry a man whether he will or not, and out of church! It's enough to draw down a judgment upon the land."

"You forget, Mr Bagsby. You need not marry unless you choose; it is a mere question of selection between a wedding and an execution,--between the lady and a certain rope, which, I can a.s.sure you, Monsieur Destripes, or his friend Gratte-les-rues, will have no hesitation in handling. Indeed, from significant symptoms, I conclude that their fingers are itching for some such practice."

"They are indeed two horrid-looking blackguards!" said Bagsby dolefully.

"I wish I had pluck enough to be hanged: after all, it could not be much worse than marriage. And yet I don't know. There may be some means of getting a divorce, or she may drink herself to death, for, between you and me, she seems awfully addicted to the use of ardent spirits."

"Fie! Mr Bagsby; how can you talk so of your bride upon the wedding-day!

Be quick! get into those trousers, and never mind the fit. It may be dangerous to keep them waiting long; and, under present circ.u.mstances, it would be prudent to abstain from trying the temper of the lady too severely."

"I never thought to be married this way!" sighed Bagsby, putting on the military coat, which, being stiff with embroidery, and twice too big for him, stuck out like an enormous cuira.s.s. "If my poor old mother could see me now, getting into the cast-off clothes of some outlandish Frenchman--"

"She would admire you exceedingly, I am sure. Do you know, you look quite warlike with these epaulets! Come now--on with the sash, take another thimbleful of brandy, and then to the altar like a man!"

"I daresay you mean well, Mr Dunshunner; but I have listened to more pleasant conversation. I say--what is to prevent my getting up the chimney?"

"Mere madness! The moment you are missed they will fire up it. Believe me, you have not a chance of escape; so the sooner you resign yourself to your inevitable destiny the better."

Here a loud knocking was heard at the door.

"Citizen Minister of Marine, art thou ready?" cried the voice of Pomme-de-terre. "Thy bride is waiting for thee, the altar is decked, and Pere Potard in his robes of office!"

"Come, then," said I, seizing Bagsby by the arm. "Take courage, man! In ten minutes it will all be over."

Our colleagues had not been idle in the interim. At one end of the hall they had built up an extempore altar covered with a carpet, behind which stood Jupiter Potard, arrayed in a royal mantle of crimson velvet, which very possibly in former days might have decorated the shoulders of Napoleon. Indeed the imperial eagle was worked upon it in gold, and it had been abstracted from one of the numerous repositories of the palace.