Curiosities of Civilization Part 4

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which, read in the same slanting way, produces the word _Times_, and the whole sentence, thus ingeniously worked out, gives up its latent and extraordinary meaning, thus--

"The _Times_ is the Jefferies of the press."

What could have induced any one to take so much trouble thus to plant a hidden insult into the leading journal, we cannot divine. "East," "He Blew," "Willie and f.a.n.n.y," "Dominoes," and "My darling A.," need not feel uncomfortable although we know their secrets. We have said quite enough to prove to these individuals that such ciphers as they use, are picked immediately by any cryptographic Hobbs; indeed, all systems of writing which depend upon trans.m.u.tations of the letters of the alphabet, or the subst.i.tution of figures for letters, such as we generally find in the _Times_, are mere puzzles for children, and not worthy of the more cunning or finished in the art.

It is not to be expected, with all the caution exhibited by the morning papers to prevent the insertion of swindling advertis.e.m.e.nts that rogues do not now and then manage to take advantage of their great circulation for the sake of forwarding their own nefarious schemes. Sir Robert Carden has just done good service by running to earth the Mr. Fynn, who for years has lived abroad in splendour at the expense of the poor governesses he managed to victimize through the advertising columns of the _Times_. One's heart sickens at the stream of poor young ladies his promises have dragged across the continent, and the consequences which may have resulted from their thus putting their reputation as well as their money into his power.

Such scandalous traps as these are, of course, rare; but the papers are full of minor pitfalls, into which the unwary are continually falling, sometimes with their eyes wide open. Of the latter cla.s.s are the matrimonial advertis.e.m.e.nts; here is a specimen of one of the most artful of its kind we ever remember to have seen:--

To Girls of Fortune--Matrimony.--A bachelor, young, amiable, handsome, and of good family, and accustomed to move in the highest sphere of society, is embarra.s.sed in his circ.u.mstances. Marriage is his only hope of extrication. This advertis.e.m.e.nt is inserted by one of his friends. Ingrat.i.tude was never one of his faults, and he will study for the remainder of his life to prove his estimation of the confidence placed in him.--Address, post-paid, L. L. H. L., 47, King Street, Soho.--N.B. The witticisms of c.o.c.kney scribblers deprecated.

The air of candour, and the taking portrait of the handsome bachelor, whose very poverty is converted into a charm, is cleverly a.s.sumed. An announcement of a much less flattering kind, but probably of a more genuine and honourable nature, was published in _Blackwood_ some time ago, which we append, as, like Landseer's dog-pictures, the two form a capital pair ill.u.s.trative of high and low life.

Matrimonial Advertis.e.m.e.nt.--I hereby give notice to all unmarried women, that I, John Hobnail, am at this writing five-and-forty, a widower, and in want of a wife. As I wish no one to be mistaken, I have a good cottage, with a couple of acres of land, for which I pay 2_l._ a year. I have five children, four of them old enough to be in employment; three sides of bacon, and some pigs ready for market. I should like to have a woman fit to take care of her house when I am out. I want no second family. She may be between forty and fifty if she likes. A good sterling woman would be preferred, who would take care of the pigs.

The following is also matter of fact, but it looks suspicious:--

Matrimony to Milliners and Dressmakers. A young man about to EMIGRATE to SOUTH AUSTRALIA would be happy to form an alliance with a young woman in the above line possessing 60_l._ or 100_l._ property. Any one so disposed, by applying by letter (post-paid) to T. Hall, 175, Upper Thames Street, till Sat.u.r.day next, appointing an interview, may depend on prompt attention and strict secrecy.--_Times_, 1845.

The matrimonial bait is so obviously a good one, that of late years we see advertis.e.m.e.nts of inst.i.tutions, at which regular lists of candidates for the marriage state, both male and female, are kept, together with portraits, and a ledger in which pecuniary and mental qualifications are neatly posted. Such springes are only suited, however, for the grossest folly; but there is another cla.s.s of advertis.e.m.e.nts which empties the pockets of the industrious and aspiring in a very workmanlike manner: we allude to such as the following:--

Gentlemen having a respectable circle of acquaintance may hear of means of INCREASING their INCOME without the slightest pecuniary risk, or of having (by any chance) their feelings wounded. Apply for particulars, by letter, stating their position, &c., to W. R., 37, Wigmore Street, Cavendish Square.

Gentlemen whose feelings are so delicate that they must not be injured on any consideration, who nevertheless have a desire for lucre, we recommend not to apply to such persons, unless they wish to receive for their pains some such a scheme as was forwarded to a person who had answered an advertis.e.m.e.nt (enclosing, as directed, thirty postage-stamps) in _Lloyd's Weekly Journal_, headed "How to make 2_l._ per week by the outlay of 10_s._":--

"First purchase 1 cwt. of large-sized potatoes, which may be obtained for the sum of 4_s._, then purchase a large basket, which will cost say another 4_s._, then buy 2_s._ worth of flannel blanketing, and this will comprise your stock in trade, of which the total cost is 10_s._ A large-sized potato weighs about half a pound, consequently there are 224 potatoes in a cwt.

"Take half the above quant.i.ty of potatoes each evening to a baker's, and have them baked; when properly cooked put them in your basket, well wrapped up in the flannel to keep them hot, and sally forth and offer them for sale at one penny each. Numbers will be glad to purchase them at that price, and you will for certain be able to sell half a cwt. every evening. From the calculation made below you will see by that means you will be able to earn 2_l._ per week. The best plan is to frequent the most crowded thoroughfares, and make good use of your lungs; thus letting people know what you have for sale. You could also call in at each public-house on your way, and solicit the patronage of the customers, many of whom would be certain to buy of you. Should you have too much pride to transact the business yourself (though no one need be ashamed of pursuing an honest calling), you could hire a boy for a few s.h.i.+llings a week, who could do the work for you, and you could still make a handsome profit weekly.

"The following calculation proves that 2_l._ per week can be made by selling baked potatoes:--

"1 cwt., containing 224 potatoes, sold in two evenings, at 1_d._ each 0 18 8 Deduct cost 0 4 0 ------- 0 14 8 3 ------- Six evenings' sale 2 4 0 Pay baker at the rate of 8_d._ per evening for baking potatoes 0 4 0 ------- Net profit per week 2 0 0"

One more specimen of these baits for gudgeon, and we have done. We frequently see appeals to the benevolent for the loans of small sums. Some of these are doubtless written by innocent persons in distress, who confide in the good side of human nature; and we have been given to understand that in many cases this blind confidence has not been misplaced; for there are many Samaritans who read the papers nowadays, and feel a romantic pleasure in answering such appeals: at the same time, we are afraid that the great majority of them are gross deceptions. The veritable whine of "the poor broken-down tradesman" who makes a habit of visiting our quiet streets and appealing, in a very solemn voice, to "my brethren" for the loan of a small trifle, whilst he anxiously scans the windows for the halfpence, is observable, for instance, in the following cool appeal:--

To the Benevolent.--A Young Tradesman has, from a series of misfortunes, been reduced to the painful necessity of asking for a trifling SUM to enable him to raise 10_l._ to save himself from inevitable ruin and poverty; or if any gentleman would lend the above it would be faithfully repaid. Satisfactory references as to the genuineness of this case.--Direct to A.Z., Mr. Rigby's, Post-Office, Mile-end Road.

The receipt of conscience-money is constantly acknowledged in advertis.e.m.e.nts by the Chancellor of the Exchequer of the day, and the sums which in this manner find their way into the Exchequer are by no means inconsiderable. It is honourable to human nature, amid all the roguery we have exposed, to find that now and then some conscience is touched by a very small matter, and that great trouble and no little expense is often gone to in order that others may not suffer through the inadvertency or carelessness of the advertiser. The following is a delicate example:--

To Hackney-Coachmen.--About the month of March last, a gentleman from the country took a coach from Finsbury Square, and accidentally broke the gla.s.s of one of its windows. Being unwell at the time, the circ.u.mstance was forgotten when he quitted the coach, and it would now be a great relief to his mind to be put in a situation to pay the coachman for it. Should this meet the eye of the person who drove the coach, and he will make application to A. B., at Walker's Hotel, Dean Street, Soho, any morning during the next week, before eleven o'clock, proper attention will be paid to it.--_Times_, 1842.

The more curious advertis.e.m.e.nts which from time to time appear in the public journals, but particularly in the _Times_, do not admit of cla.s.sification; and they are so numerous, moreover, that if we were to comment upon one t.i.the of those that have appeared within the last six years, we should far exceed the limits of this article. We make no apology, therefore, for stringing together the following very odd lot:--

Do you want a servant?--Necessity prompts the question.--The advertiser OFFERS his SERVICES to any lady or gentleman, company, or others, in want of a truly faithful confidential servant in any capacity not menial, where a practical knowledge of human nature, in various parts of the world, would be available. Could undertake any affair of small or great importance, where talent, inviolable secrecy, or good address would be necessary. Has moved in the best and worst societies without being contaminated by either; has never been a servant; begs to recommend himself as one who knows his place; is moral, temperate, middle-aged; no objection to any part of the world.

Could advise any capitalist wis.h.i.+ng to increase his income, and have the control of his own money. Could act as secretary or valet to any lady or gentleman. Can give advice or hold his tongue, sing, dance, play, fence, box, or preach a sermon, tell a story, be grave or gay, ridiculous or sublime, or do anything, from the curling of a peruke to the storming of a citadel, but never to excel his master.--Address, A.

B. C., 7, Little St. Andrew Street, Leicester Square.--_Times_, 1850.

The Mighty Angel's Midnight Roar.--"Behold the Bridegroom cometh, go ye out to meet him." This awful cry, as is demonstrated, will very shortly be heard, viz.: at the commencement of "the great day (or year) of G.o.d's wrath," or the last of the 2,300 days (or years) in Daniel's prophecy. By the authors of "Proofs of the Second Coming of Messiah at the Pa.s.sover in 1848." Price 6_d._ Fourth Edition.

This is a Muggletonian prophecy of the destruction of the world at a certain date. The prediction failed, however, and the prophet found it necessary to explain the reason:--

The Mighty Angel's Midnight Roar.--The authors, owing to their disappointment, most sedulously investigated its cause, and instantly announce its discovery. Daniel's vision, in chap. 8, was for 2,300 years, to the end of which (see 5-12) the "little horn" was to practise and prosper, after which comes the year of G.o.d's wrath, which was erroneously included in the 2,300 years, and thus the midnight cry will be a year later than stated.--_Times_, 1851.

To P. Q. How Is Your Mother? I shan't inquire further, and must decline entering upon the collateral branches of the family.--_Times_, 1842.

To Widowers and Single Gentlemen.--WANTED, by a lady, a SITUATION to superintend the household and preside at table. She is agreeable, becoming, careful, desirable, English, facetious, generous, honest, industrious, judicious, keen, lively, merry, natty, obedient, philosophic, quiet, regular, sociable, tasteful, useful, vivacious, womanish, xantippish, youthful, zealous, &c.--Address, X. Y. Z., Simmond's Library, Edgeware Road.--_Times._

The t.i.tle of an Ancient Baron. Mr. George Robins is empowered to SELL the t.i.tLE and DIGNITY of a BARON. The origin of the family, its ancient descent, and ill.u.s.trious ancestry, will be fully developed to those and such only as desire to possess this distinguished rank for the inconsiderable sum of 1,000_l._ Covent-garden Market.--_Times_, 1841.

Postage stamps. A young lady, being desirous of covering her dressing-room with cancelled POSTAGE STAMPS, has been so far encouraged in her wish by private friends as to have succeeded in collecting 16,000! these, however, being insufficient, she will be greatly obliged if any good-natured persons who may have these (otherwise useless) little articles at their disposal would a.s.sist in her whimsical project. Address to E. D., Mr. b.u.t.t's, glover, Leadenhall Street; or Mr. Marshall's, jeweller, Hackney.--_Times_, 1841.

To the Theatrical Profession.--WANTED, for a Summer Theatre and Circuit, a Leading Lady, Singing Chambermaid, First Low Comedian, Heavy Man, Walking Gentleman, and one or two Gentlemen for Utility. To open July 9th.

Address (enclosing Stamp for reply) to Mr. J. WINDSOR, Theatre Royal, Preston, Lancas.h.i.+re.--_Era_, July 1, 1855.

Wanted a Man and his Wife to look after a Horse and Dairy with a religious turn of mind without any inc.u.mbrance.

The variety is perhaps as astonis.h.i.+ng as the number of advertis.e.m.e.nts in the _Times_. Like the trunk of an elephant, no matter seems too minute or too gigantic, too ludicrous or too sad, to be lifted into notoriety by the giant of Printing-house Square. The part.i.tion of a thin rule suffices to separate a call for the loan of millions from the sad weak cry of the dest.i.tute gentlewoman to be allowed to slave in a nursery "for the sake of a home." Vehement love sends its voice imploring through the world after a graceless boy, side by side with the announcement of the landing of a cargo of lively turtle, or the card of a bug-killer. The poor lady who advertises for boarders "merely for the sake of society" finds her "want"

cheek-by-jowl with some Muggletonian announcement gratuitously calculated to break up society altogether, to the effect that the world will come to an end by the middle of the next month. Or the reader is informed that for twelve postage stamps he may learn "How to obtain a certain fortune,"

exactly opposite an offer of a bonus of 500_l._ to any one who will obtain for the advertiser "a Government situation." The _Times_ reflects every want, and appeals to every motive which affects our composite society. And why does it do this? Because of its ubiquity: go where we will, there, like the house-fly or the sparrow, we find it. The porter reads it in his beehive-chair, the master in his library; Green, we have no doubt, takes it with him to the clouds in his balloon, and the collier reads it in the depths of the mine; the workman at his bench, the lodger in his two-pair back, the gold-digger in his hole, and the soldier in the trench, pore over its broad pages. Hot from the press, or months old, still it is read.

That it is, _par excellence_, the national paper, and reflects more than any other the life of the people, may be gathered from its circulation.

They show in the editor's room a singular diagram, which indicates by an irregular line the circulation day by day and year by year. On this sheet the gusts of political feeling and the pressure of popular excitement are as minutely indicated as the force and direction of the wind are shown by the self-registering apparatus in Lloyd's Rooms. Thus we find that in the year 1845 it ran along at a pretty nearly dead level of 23,000 copies daily. In 1846--for one day, the 28th of January, that on which the report of Sir Robert Peel's statement respecting the Corn Laws appeared--it rose in a towering peak to a height of 51,000, and then fell again to its old number. It began the year 1848 with 29,000, and rose to 43,000 on the 29th of February--the morrow of the French revolution. In 1852 its level at starting was 36,000, and it attained to the highest point it has yet touched on the 19th of November, the day of the Memoir of the Great Duke, when 69,000 copies were sold. In January, 1853, the level had arisen to 40,000; and at the commencement of the present year it stood at 58,000, a circulation which has since increased to 60,000 copies daily!

Notwithstanding all the disturbing causes which make the line of its circulation present the appearance of hill and dale, sometimes rising into Alp-like elevations, its ordinary level at the beginning of each year for some time past has constantly gone on advancing; insomuch that within ten years its circulation has more than doubled by 7,000 daily.

This vigorous growth is the true cause of that wonderful determination of advertis.e.m.e.nts to its pages, which have overflowed into a second paper, or supplement, as it was formerly called. That this success has been fairly won, we have never ourselves doubted; but a fact has come to our knowledge which will pretty clearly prove that this great paper is conducted on principles which are superior to mere money considerations; or rather its operations are so large that it can afford to inflict upon itself pecuniary losses, such as would annihilate any other journal, in order to take a perfectly free course. In the year 1845, when the railway mania was at its height, the _Times_ advertising sheet was overrun with projected lines, and many a guess was made, we remember, at the time as to their probable value; but high as the estimates generally were, they came far short of the truth. We give the cash and credit returns of advertis.e.m.e.nts of all kinds for nine weeks:--

Sept. 6 2839 14 0 " 13 3783 12 0 " 20 3935 7 6 " 27 4692 7 0 Oct. 4 6318 14 0 " 11 6543 17 0 " 18 6687 4 0 " 25 6025 14 6 Nov. 1 3230 3 6

During the greater part of the time that the proprietors were reaping this splendid harvest from the infatuation of the people, the heaviest guns were daily brought to bear from the leading columns upon the bubbles which rose up so thickly in the advertising sheet. The effect of their fire may be measured by the falling off of nearly 3,000_l._ in the returns for a single week. A journal which could afford to sacrifice such a revenue to its independence, certainly deserved some consideration from the Government; but, on the contrary, it appears to have been singled out for annoyance by the act which relates to newspapers. We see certain trees on our lawns whose upshooting branches are by ingenious gardeners trained downwards, and taught to hold themselves in a dependent condition by the imposition of weights upon their extremities. The state gardeners have applied the same treatment to the journal in question, by hanging an extra halfpenny stamp upon every copy of its issue--a proceeding which, in our opinion, is as unfair as it is injudicious: and this they will find in the future, when the crowd of mosquito-like cheap journals called forth by the measure, and supported by the very life-blood of the leading journal, begin to gather strength and to attack Whiggery with their democratic buzz.

We have dwelt chiefly upon the advertising sheet of the _Times_, because it is the epitome of that in all the other journals. It must be mentioned, however, that some of the morning and weekly papers lay themselves out for cla.s.s advertis.e.m.e.nts. Thus the _Morning Post_ monopolizes all those which relate to fas.h.i.+on and high life; and the _Morning Advertiser_, the paper of the licensed victuallers, aggregates to itself every announcement relating to their craft. _Bell's Life_ is one ma.s.s of advertis.e.m.e.nts of various sports; the _Era_ is great upon all theatricals; the _Athenaeum_ gathers to itself a large proportion of book advertis.e.m.e.nts. The _Ill.u.s.trated News_ among the weeklies, like the _Times_ among the dailies, towers by the head above them all. A hebdomadal circulation of 170,000 draws a far more cosmopolitan collection of announcements to its pages than any of its contemporaries can boast. We have said nothing of the advertis.e.m.e.nts in the provincial journals; but it is gratifying to find that they have more than kept pace with those which have appeared in the metropolitan papers. Their enormous increase is best shown by the returns of the advertis.e.m.e.nt duty; from which it appears that in 1851 no less than 2,334,593 advertis.e.m.e.nts were published in the journals of Great Britain and Ireland--a number which has vastly augmented since the tax upon them has been repealed.

It is curious to see the estimate which the different journals place upon themselves as mediums of publicity, by comparing their charges for the same advertis.e.m.e.nt. Thus the contents of the _Quarterly Review_ for January, 1855, precisely similar as far as length is concerned, was charged for insertion as an advertis.e.m.e.nt by the different papers as follows:--_Times_, 4s.; _Ill.u.s.trated News_, 1_l._ 8s.; _Morning Chronicle_, 5s. 6d.; _Morning Post_, 6s.; _Daily News_, 5s. 6d.; _Spectator_, 7s. 6d.; _Morning Herald_, 6s.; _Punch_, 15s.; _Observer_, 9s. 6d.; _English Churchman_, 5s. 6d.; _Examiner_, 3s. 6d.; _John Bull_, 5s. 6d.; _Athenaeum_, 10s. 6d. Now the _Times_ did not "display" the advertis.e.m.e.nt as all the others did, it is true, and therefore squeezed it into half the s.p.a.ce; but with this difference, its charge was absolutely the lowest in the list, with the single exception of that of the _Examiner_. How this moderation on the part of the Leading Journal is to be accounted for we know not; but the apparent dearness of the _Ill.u.s.trated News_ meets a ready solution, and affords us an opportunity of showing how vastly the prime cost of an advertis.e.m.e.nt, during the present high price of paper especially, is augmented by a great increase of the circulation of the paper in which it appears, and what the advertiser really gets for his money. If we take the advertis.e.m.e.nt of our contents (_Quarterly Review_), it will be found to measure about one inch in depth; it is obvious, then, that we must multiply this measure by 170,000, the number of separate copies in which it appeared. Now 170,000 inches yield a strip of printed paper the width of a newspaper column--_upwards of two miles and three-quarters long!_ Thus we have at a glance the real amount of publicity which is procurable in a great journal; and with so remarkable a statement it will be well to close our paper.

FOOD AND ITS ADULTERATIONS.

A story is told of a European who, wis.h.i.+ng to convince a Brahmin of the folly of his faith in interdicting, as an article of food, anything that once possessed life, showed him, by the aid of the microscope, that the very water which he drank was full of living things. The Indian, thus suddenly introduced to an unseen world, dashed the instrument to the ground, and reproached his teacher for having so wantonly destroyed the guiding principle of his life. We, too, have at home a Hindoo, in the shape of the believing British public, to whose eye Dr. Ha.s.sall nicely adjusts the focus of his microscope, and bids him behold what unseen villanies are daily perpetrated upon his purse and person.

The world at large has almost forgotten Acc.u.m's celebrated work, "Death in the Pot;" a new generation has indeed sprung up since it was written, and fraudulent tradesmen and manufacturers have gone on in silence, and, up to this time, in security, falsifying the food and picking the pockets of the people. Startling indeed as were the revelations in that remarkable book, yet it had little effect in reforming the abuses it exposed. General denunciations of grocers did not touch individuals of the craft, and they were consequently not driven to improve the quality of their wares. The _Lancet_ Commission went to work in a different manner. In Turkey, when of old they caught a baker giving false weight, or adulterating the staff of life, they nailed his ear to the door-post, "pour encourager les autres."

Dr. Ha.s.sall, like a modern Al Raschid, perambulated the town himself, or sent his trustworthy agents to purchase articles, upon all of which the inexorable microscope was set to work, and every fraudulent sample, after due notice given, subjected its vendor to be pinned for ever to the terrible pages of the Commissioners' report. In this manner direct responsibility was obtained. If the falsification denounced was not the work of the retailer, he was glad enough to s.h.i.+ft the blame upon the manufacturer; and thus the truth came out.

A gun suddenly fired into a rookery could not cause a greater commotion than this publication of the names of dishonest tradesmen; nor does the daylight, when you lift a stone, startle ugly and loathsome things more quickly than the pencil of light, streaming through a quarter-inch lens, surprised in their naked ugliness the thousand and one illegal substances which enter more or less into every description of food that it will pay to adulterate. Nay, to such a pitch of refinement has the art of falsification of alimentary substances reached, that the very articles used to adulterate are adulterated; and while one tradesman is picking the pockets of his customers, a still more cunning rogue is, unknown to himself, deep in his own!

The manner in which food is adulterated is not only one of degree, but of kind. The most simple of all sophistications, and that which is most harmless, is the mixture of inferior qualities of the same substance.