Fantastic Fables Part 22

_Inventor_.--"Yes; it will enable your army to overrun any nation that is accessible."

_King_.--"In order to get any good of my outlay for your invention, I must make a war, and do so as soon as I can arm my troops--before your secret is discovered by foreign nations. How much do you want?"

_Inventor_.--"One million dollars."

_King_.--"And how much will it cost to make the change of arms?"

_Inventor_.--"Fifty millions."

_King_.--"And the war will Cost--?"

_Inventor_.--"But consider the glory and the spoils!"

_King_.--"Exactly. But if I am not seeking these advantages? What if I decline to purchase?"

_Inventor_.--"There is no economy in that. Though a patriot, I am poor; if my own country will not patronise me, I must seek a market elsewhere."

_King_ (to Prime Minister).--"Take this blackmailer and cut off his head."

A Talisman

Having been summoned to serve as a juror, a Prominent Citizen sent a physician's certificate stating that he was afflicted with softening of the brain.

"The gentleman is excused," said the Judge, handing back the certificate to the person who had brought it, "he has a brain."

The Ancient Order

Hardly had that ancient order, the Sultans of Exceeding Splendour, been completely founded by the Grand Flas.h.i.+ng Inaccessible, when a question arose as to what should be the t.i.tle of address among the members. Some wanted it to be simply "my Lord," others held out for "your Dukeness,"

and still others preferred "my Sovereign Liege." Finally the gorgeous jewel of the order, gleaming upon the breast of every member, suggested "your Badgesty," which was adopted, and the order became popularly known as the Kings of Catarrh.

A Fatal Disorder

A Dying Man who had been shot was requested by officers of the law to make a statement, and be quick about it.

"You were a.s.saulted without provocation, of course," said the District Attorney, preparing to set down the answer.

"No," replied the Dying Man, "I was the aggressor."

"Yes, I understand," said the District Attorney; "you committed the aggression--you were compelled to, as it were. You did it in self-defence."

"I don't think he would have hurt me if I had let him alone," said the other. "No, I fancy he was a man of peace, and would not have hurt a fly. I brought such a pressure to bear on him that he naturally had to yield--he couldn't hold out. If he had refused to shoot me I don't see how I could decently have continued his acquaintance."

"Good Heavens!" exclaimed the District Attorney, throwing down his note- book and pencil; "this is all quite irregular. I can't make use of such an ante-mortem statement as that."

"I never before knew a man to tell the truth," said the Chief of Police, "when dying of violence."

"Violence nothing!" the Police Surgeon said, pulling out and inspecting the man's tongue--"it is the truth that is killing him."

The Ma.s.sacre

Some Holy Missionaries in China having been deprived of life by the Bigoted Heathens, the Christian Press made a note of it, and was greatly pained to point out the contrast between the Bigoted Heathens and the law- abiding countrymen of the Holy Missionaries who had wickedly been sent to eternal bliss.

"Yes," a.s.sented a Miserable Sinner, as he finished reading the articles, "the Heathens of Ying s.h.i.+ng are deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. By the way," he added, turning over the paper to read the entertaining and instructive Fables, "I know the Heathenese lingo. Ying s.h.i.+ng means Rock Creek; it is in the Province of Wyo Ming."

A s.h.i.+p and a Man

Seeing a s.h.i.+p sailing by upon the sea of politics, an Ambitious Person started in hot pursuit along the strand; but the people's eyes being fixed upon the Presidency no one observed the pursuer. This greatly annoyed him, and recollecting that he was not aquatic, he stopped and shouted across the waves' tumultous roar:

"Take my name off the pa.s.senger list."

Back to him over the waters, hollow and heartless, like laughter in a tomb, rang the voice of the Skipper:

"'T ain't on!"

And there, in the focus of a million pairs of convergent eyes, the Ambitious Person sat him down between the sun and moon and murmured sadly to his own soul:

"Marooned, by thunder!"

Congress and the People

Successive Congresses having greatly impoverished the People, they were discouraged and wept copiously.

"Why do you weep?" inquired an Angel who had perched upon a fence near by.

"They have taken all we have," replied the People--"excepting," they added, noting the suggestive visitant--"excepting our hope in heaven.