The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction Part 6

"A new technique for Kenny . . . !" (This Southpark Southpark cartoon character frequently dies in freak masturbation accidents.) cartoon character frequently dies in freak masturbation accidents.) [image]

At-Risk Survivor: Battered Sausages Confirmed by Reliable Eyewitness Featuring gonads, mostly!

Dr. Kiernan has been a prolific contributor to the Darwin Awards, particularly with urological reports. Four stories from the files of the good doctor . . .

MARCH 2007 The most grateful patient I ever treated had found true love with a household vacuum. He presented to me with a very swollen and sorry-for-itself p.e.n.i.s, and it was obvious that the member had been somewhere it shouldn't be. I confronted him, and he denied the truth (wouldn't you?) until I told him I had a foolproof cure to prevent recurrent damage. He brightened up.

"Make sure to attach a cardboard toilet-paper roll to the end of the suction first, so you can soak the roll off your happy peewee if it becomes necessary." He was most grateful for the advice.

At-Risk Survivor: What a Pickle!

APRIL 2008 Our hero sought my urgent professional attention after an accident involving a car and his motorbike, on his way to a Sat.u.r.day night party. He had sustained a compound broken femur. The management of this life-threatening condition was hampered by his refusal to have his black leather trousers cut off. In fact, we argued with him for ten minutes trying to access his common sense and get his consent, while doing other necessary things to help him medically, of course. As it turned out, it wasn't the expense of the leather trousers with which he was so preoccupied . . . It was our imminent discovery of the large cuc.u.mber in his underwear! Mom always warned us, "Wear clean underwear in case you get hit by a car." Here's a new one for Mom to worry about. This gambit is far from unusual. In the rougher parts of outer Sydney no one would want to be reincarnated as a cuc.u.mber because . . . well...!

At-Risk Survivor: Fis.h.i.+ng Tackle SEPTEMBER 2008 Daily Telegraph Daily Telegraph reported that a small fish had found its way into the urethra of a fourteen-year-old boy. The patient was admitted to the hospital with complaints of pain, dribbling, and urinary retention. Floundering for a rationale for his predicament, the boy's dubious account was that he was cleaning the fish tank in his house and was holding a fish in his hand when he needed to use the toilet. While he was pa.s.sing urine, the two-cm fish supposedly slipped from his hand and entered his urethra, say Drs. Vezhaventhan and Jeyaraman, who wrote a paper on the unfortunate fish and boy. reported that a small fish had found its way into the urethra of a fourteen-year-old boy. The patient was admitted to the hospital with complaints of pain, dribbling, and urinary retention. Floundering for a rationale for his predicament, the boy's dubious account was that he was cleaning the fish tank in his house and was holding a fish in his hand when he needed to use the toilet. While he was pa.s.sing urine, the two-cm fish supposedly slipped from his hand and entered his urethra, say Drs. Vezhaventhan and Jeyaraman, who wrote a paper on the unfortunate fish and boy.

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At-Risk Survivor: A Bit Potty 1960S My father, also a doctor, treated a man who rode his bicycle six miles one rainy evening to seek advice at the local English hospital. He wore a large, dark raincoat which he refused to remove for the nursing staff. In privacy, he did so for my father, who was most surprised. This surprise did not emanate from the fact that the man had got himself stuck in an old-fas.h.i.+oned clay urinal, but that he had cycled six miles with it hanging from the end of his p.e.n.i.s! Needless to say Dad didn't buy the story of being caught while having a wee. This ended rather badly, I am afraid. Dad claims there was no other way but to break it out with a hammer.

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Could this man thus be a historic Darwin Awardee?

Reference: Dr. Davida Kiernan

SCIENCE INTERLUDE WHY BOTHER WITH s.e.x?.

By Alice Cas...o...b.. [image]

Not the complaint of a tired housewife or the sour grapes of a frustrated "playah," but rather a real dilemma for evolutionary biologists. If an organism's purpose is to propagate its own DNA, why waste time and energy searching for a mate? If its unique genetic code lets it survive and flourish, why dilute that code with another creature's genes?

"But don't we need s.e.x to make babies?"

Sure, we we do. But step outside our species to recognize the big difference between s.e.x (exchanging genes) and reproduction (making offspring). The entire kingdom Prokaryota would consider us perverts if we could explain to them how s.e.x and reproduction coincide within our multicellular selves. Any proper prokaryote would tell you that s.e.x-sharing genes-is something one does with multiple partners, trading bits of DNA via cell-connecting tubes or viral vectors. Reproduction, OTOH, means privately splitting your single-celled self into two identical organisms. do. But step outside our species to recognize the big difference between s.e.x (exchanging genes) and reproduction (making offspring). The entire kingdom Prokaryota would consider us perverts if we could explain to them how s.e.x and reproduction coincide within our multicellular selves. Any proper prokaryote would tell you that s.e.x-sharing genes-is something one does with multiple partners, trading bits of DNA via cell-connecting tubes or viral vectors. Reproduction, OTOH, means privately splitting your single-celled self into two identical organisms.

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Strawberries, Sharks, and Komodo Dragons As.e.xual reproduction is actually so common that we barely think about it. Every time you pull a strawberry sucker from your garden or trim a spider plant's spiders, you're dealing with as.e.xual reproduction. Bananas, the notoriously phallic fruit, are seedless and propagate by rooting cuttings. And even garlic, that spicy aphrodisiac, reproduces without s.e.x via bulbs.

All-female clones can continue to reproduce indefinitely, but all-male clones are extinct after one generation. As.e.xuality can be a dead end!

And it's not just plants. Many worms and insects, a boatload of coelenterates (p.r.o.nounced see LEN' ter ates' see LEN' ter ates'-sea anemones and jellyfish), and even some fish and lizards reproduce as.e.xually. Female sharks raised in captivity have given birth to all-female young whose DNA comes only from their virgin mothers. Ditto for Komodo dragons, except that through a genetic twist, their offspring are all male. Parthenogenesis has been reported as far up the evolutionary ladder as the domestic turkey.

Why Do Without? The Cost of s.e.x s.e.x always costs-not necessarily in money, but in the more primal currencies of energy, time, and exposure to danger. Exhausting fights over mates raise the cost of business in the s.e.xual world-ask any stag during rutting season. And consider over-the-top mating displays like the nine-foot blossom of the carrion flower, the peac.o.c.k's tail feathers, or the human's silly, showy "peac.o.c.k" brain. (See "s.e.x on the Brain," p. 109 for a treatise on human brains and runaway s.e.xual selection.) Elaborate mating structures take time and energy to make and increase exposure to predators[image] as well as potential mates. as well as potential mates.[image] A peac.o.c.k's huge tail feathers slow him down; the leopard who pounces on a poky peac.o.c.k is reaping a cheap lunch subsidized by the cost of s.e.x-fancy plumage-to her prey. Time spent attracting a mate could be spent feeding, gathering energy, and growing clones. Nons.e.xual creatures avoid all that mating ha.s.sle by just doing it solo. A peac.o.c.k's huge tail feathers slow him down; the leopard who pounces on a poky peac.o.c.k is reaping a cheap lunch subsidized by the cost of s.e.x-fancy plumage-to her prey. Time spent attracting a mate could be spent feeding, gathering energy, and growing clones. Nons.e.xual creatures avoid all that mating ha.s.sle by just doing it solo.

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Lesbian Lizards The most fascinating s.e.x-free creatures are the ones who have given up s.e.x after enjoying it for millions of years. There are all-female species of whiptail lizard, blue-spotted salamander, and topminnow. Tellingly, all of these species have mating behaviors that show their recent evolution from s.e.xual ancestors. All-female blue-spotted salamanders mate with males of related species; the sperm triggers development of their eggs, but contributes no genes. The live-bearing desert topminnow, Poeciliopsis lucidus, Poeciliopsis lucidus, does the same. does the same.

Whiptail lizards of the desert Southwest go one step further: Members of the all-female species Cnemidophorus uniparens Cnemidophorus uniparens take on male-like behavior and mate with other females in a process called pseudocopulation. Their female-on-female behavior stimulates egg production and the birth of clones. take on male-like behavior and mate with other females in a process called pseudocopulation. Their female-on-female behavior stimulates egg production and the birth of clones.

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If so many organisms get along fine without s.e.x, why are the rest of us still doing it? Especially, note evolutionists dryly, when mathematical models show that as.e.xual females should take over any population within fifty generations, due to the time and energy they save.

But-that's fifty generations without natural selection- natural selection-with no new trends in weather, no new diseases, no new tricks by your predators. Do you see the problem?

Nature is never never free of natural selection. Even when the physical environment is stable, the ecosystem of predators and pathogens is not. You are food for them, and if there is one thing stronger than the s.e.x drive, it is the need to feed. Even Darwin would agree: free of natural selection. Even when the physical environment is stable, the ecosystem of predators and pathogens is not. You are food for them, and if there is one thing stronger than the s.e.x drive, it is the need to feed. Even Darwin would agree: You must survive until you can pa.s.s on your genes. You must survive until you can pa.s.s on your genes. Food comes before s.e.x, and organisms will do anything to get it-or avoid becoming it-even swap genes. If everyone else is swapping genes in an arms race to eat you, and you're standing there having s.e.x with yourself, you're falling behind. Food comes before s.e.x, and organisms will do anything to get it-or avoid becoming it-even swap genes. If everyone else is swapping genes in an arms race to eat you, and you're standing there having s.e.x with yourself, you're falling behind.

In a nutsh.e.l.l, s.e.x is an engine of diversity: More varieties of organisms are birthed when they are conceived with a partner. A family of clones is obviously less diverse than a family with mixed genes. And when your genotype is the delicious flavor of the day, you'll want to make sure your offspring are something your predators have never tasted before. Whether you need faster legs, a longer tongue, or slimier skin-s.e.x is the way to go.

Now that the case has been made in favor of s.e.x, how do creatures get by without it? If a hungry world is chasing them, why do lesbian lizards have any place in nature?

Studies show that as.e.xual plants and animals thrive in marginal environments with little compet.i.tion, but cannot compete with s.e.xual relatives in mainstream habitats. As.e.xual b.u.t.terflies flutter on alpine mountaintops, as.e.xual plants pop up in plowed fields and after volcanic eruptions, and as.e.xual vertebrates make their homes where it's hot, icy, or dry. Note that the all-female species mentioned above are the desert desert topminnow and lizards of the topminnow and lizards of the desert desert Southwest. These as.e.xual desert creatures have close relatives living in more appealing climates-lounging on beaches, soaking in tropical pools-who reproduce using s.e.x. Southwest. These as.e.xual desert creatures have close relatives living in more appealing climates-lounging on beaches, soaking in tropical pools-who reproduce using s.e.x.

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In a marginal habitat, it pays to pa.s.s on to your children your proven genotype, unchanged. Only a few things can live where you live, and on balance, it's best to stick with the tried and true. And saving energy with low-cost solo reproduction is a big help too.

As.e.xuals live where the environment allows natural selection to slow down.

#1 Reason for s.e.x: Aliens!

OK, then-since s.e.x is a choice, why choose s.e.x?7 Field studies indicate that the number one reason for s.e.x is biological interactions between species. Mainstream habitats are rich in predators, pathogens, and parasites. s.e.x, by shuffling genes, is especially good at protecting against parasites and disease. Studies in the lab-evolution in a bottle-show that those odd creatures that switch between s.e.xual and as.e.xual reproduction, like the water snail, Potomopyrgus antipodarum Potomopyrgus antipodarum, get s.e.xy when their parasites start hopping.

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j.a.panese knotweed, Polygonum cuspidatum Polygonum cuspidatum, a handsome but rather unwelcome invasive weed, is one of the first to colonize fresh lava fields in its native j.a.pan. Its ability to flex s.e.xual and non-s.e.xual generations is its strength as a hardy colonizer. A single as.e.xual clone of j.a.panese knotweed is now invading northern Europe. Although this clone would not stand a chance back home, far from its native pests and predators-the weed is nearly invincible-See Bailey, Bimova, and Mandak, "As.e.xual spread versus s.e.xual reproduction and evolution in j.a.panese Knotweed," Biological Invasions Biological Invasions 11, no. 5 (2009). 11, no. 5 (2009).

You see, it's the tiniest "predators" that evolve the fastest. Compare the life cycle of a flea (four weeks) to its prey, your cat, or compare a human life span to the two-week flu virus life cycle. Pathogens have many extra generations for natural selection to work, so they quickly hone in on the genetic weaknesses of, well, you. you. Prey must evolve, s.h.i.+ft genetic profiles, to combat these enemies. Evolutionary biologists call this the "Red Queen Hypothesis" and liken the costly persistence of s.e.xual reproduction to the Lewis Carroll character who had to keep running to stay in place. Prey must evolve, s.h.i.+ft genetic profiles, to combat these enemies. Evolutionary biologists call this the "Red Queen Hypothesis" and liken the costly persistence of s.e.xual reproduction to the Lewis Carroll character who had to keep running to stay in place.

Dandelions Both s.e.xual and as.e.xual lifestyles have their niches, and a great example lives as close as your backyard.

In their native Eurasia dandelions grow as normal flowers, producing male pollen carried by bees to fertilize female ovules. But dandelions have also evolved as.e.xual lines that clone themselves and send out seeds containing identical DNA. The "old sod" in Europe is golden with s.e.xual dandelions, but it is the as.e.xual ones that have blanketed the virgin continent of North America. They are a beautiful example of just when as.e.xual reproduction is best. Far from their native pests and pathogens, s.e.x-free dandelions have colonized every lawn in the USA because they are able to spread faster than their s.e.xual relatives-even while wasting energy producing cheery yellow flowers that no bee will ever fertilize.

So the next time you're in the mood to mate, stop and consider an alternative used by bananas, bacteria, lizards, and sharks. Maybe it is better to close the curtains and just do it yourself.

REFERENCES:.

Crews, Gra.s.sman, and Lindzey, "Behavioral facilitation of reproduction in s.e.xual and unis.e.xual whiptail lizards," Proc Nat Acad Sci USA Proc Nat Acad Sci USA 83 (1986), 9547-9550. 83 (1986), 9547-9550.

Juliet Eilperin, "Female Sharks Can Reproduce Alone, Researchers Find." The Was.h.i.+ngton Post, The Was.h.i.+ngton Post, http://tinyurl.com/2aaau4 Lively, Craddock, and Vrijenhoek, "Red Queen hypothesis supported by parasitism in s.e.xual and clonal fish," Nature Nature 344 (1990), 864 -866. 344 (1990), 864 -866.

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Lively and Joleka, "Temporal and spatial distributions of parasites and s.e.x in a freshwater snail," Evolutionary Ecology Research Evolutionary Ecology Research 4 (2002), 219-226. 4 (2002), 219-226.

Thomas F. Savage, "A Guide to Recognition of Parthenogenesis in Incubated Turkey Eggs," Oregon State University (2008), http://tinyurl.com/y56s4xj

CHAPTER 7.

WOMEN: WILL SHE OR WON'T SHE?

"Sorry about your loss. On a brighter side, you could have lost this one . . ."

-Fan mail snark

Women are evolution's greatest gift. They nurture, protect, and educate their offspring, ensuring survival of the next generation. In fact, female Darwin Award winners are incredibly rare! But they do appear from time to time, and we've collected seven of these elusive elegies here.

Double Dip * She Talks Faster Than She Walks * Wetting the Bed * Missed (but Not Missed By) the Bus * A Clear Lesson * Epitaph-She Liked Feathers * Pill Pusher

For more female contenders, see: Not Even Half-Baked, p. 17, Christmas Light Zinger, p. 188, and Medieval Mayhem, p. 238.

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Darwin Award Winner: Double Dip Confirmed by Darwin Featuring a woman, water, alcohol, and a moped

3 JUNE 2009, NORTH CAROLINA Greensboro was inundated with four inches of pouring rain in two hours, stranding cars on flooded roads. Rosanne T., on her moped, was not deterred. She hopped on and drove to a convenience store where she "possibly had a beer," according to her mother, before deciding to blunder home through the storm.

"My moped has two rubber wheels, Mom, I'll be fine."

North Carolina does not require a license to drive a moped.

Ms. T. had acquired hers two years previously after a DUI conviction.

The highway patrol had blocked off several roads that were flooded, including Rosanne's path home. But she rode right past the officer and the barriers, lost control of her vehicle, and fell into the swollen creek below. The officer retrieved rope from his vehicle and proceeded to haul her from the water, saving her from potential doom.

He then interviewed the woman, presumably inquiring about her motives for speeding through a police roadblock during a flash flood. When the officer returned to his patrol car to call in the incident, Rosanne took the opportunity to escape-by jumping back into the creek!

The officer attempted to rescue her again, but alas, it was too late.

The victim's mother speculated that her daughter's motivation for jumping into a flooded creek was to rescue her drowning moped. "She loved that thing."

Reference: news-record.com, Greensboro, NC, wxii12.com [image]

Reader Comments

"Just because you have two rubber wheels does not mean you cannot drown . . ."

"North Carolina's finest . . . First-ever woman to become a finalist for the Darwin Awards."

"First woman ever!! ever!! Are we honored or what?! NOT!" Are we honored or what?! NOT!"

While North Carolina does not require a license to operate a moped, if a person is caught driving any vehicle (moped, golf cart, tractor, bicycle, etc.) on public roads while intoxicated, the state (and many states) will be able to prosecute for a DUI conviction.

Darwin Award Winner: She Talks Faster Than She Walks Confirmed by Darwin Featuring a woman, car, and machismo

30 MAY 2009, LOUISIANA Backseat drivers beware! Annoyed at how slowly her boyfriend was driving, Tamera B., twenty-two, encouraged him to pick up the pace so she could get to work on time. Joking that it would be faster to walk to work, she opened the door of the pickup truck and stuck her foot out-before falling out the open door to her death. Whoops!

But wait! Was her complaint valid?

Nope. Deputies of the jurisdictional sheriff's office stated that the truck was traveling at "highway speed" on I-12 at the time of the incident. Her death was ruled accidental.