Comical People Part 3

Porcupine generally had an old friend with him, whom he had long known in the country, who had come to see the town, and who lodged in the same house. His name was Dobbin.

When Porcupine had made some advancement in the portrait, Lord Forestking and his friend, Sir Hyde, came one day to inspect it, attended by the ever meddling Mr. Munkey. His Lords.h.i.+p seated himself in a chair opposite the picture, and expressed himself very much satisfied with the likeness, declaring, that he never before knew that he was so handsome a fellow.

"The portrait is--ah--very well, and the painting is--ah--admirable,"

said Sir Hyde; "but do not you think--ah--that the nose is a _leetle_ too long? and are you sure," addressing Porcupine, "that the left eye is not--ah--slightly awry?"

"I have not remarked it," returned Mr. Porcupine, meekly.

"The colouring is excellent; but--ah--'pon my honour, I never saw his Lords.h.i.+p wear a coat of that tint; and do not you think the hair is _rayther_ darker than his Lords.h.i.+p's?"

"Perhaps," suggested Mr. Porcupine, "you would see it better in another light;" and he immediately moved the easel.

"Do you know," said Mr. Munkey to Mr. Dobbin--they were at the other end of the room--"Sir Hyde Jungle is esteemed one of our finest critics in the arts? He has visited most of the great Continental galleries, and can tell you the dimensions of every celebrated picture, and the exact spot on which it is hung."

"How _can_ one individual be the possessor of so much learning!" said Dobbin. "I cannot even remember the dimensions of the common in my native village, though I have been round it often and often."

"Oh! Sir Hyde is, as you remark, a possessor of great learning. He studies anatomy too, and is very fond of dissecting all kinds of animals. I am told that no professor at St. Bartholomew's can do it more rapidly."

"What a wonderful individual!"

"Ah! now that I see it better," said the Baronet, "I think the hair as near right as it can be; but--ah--you have given his Lords.h.i.+p two--ah--curls on the left temple, which I do not think his Lords.h.i.+p ever has."

"Would your Lords.h.i.+p wish to have them taken out?" inquired Porcupine.

"'Pon honour, Sir Hyde," said his Lords.h.i.+p, "I really think the portrait is a very good one; and I like those two curls so much, that I'll make my barber give them to me to-morrow morning."

"I perfectly agree with your Lords.h.i.+p," replied the connoisseur; "and if Mr. Porcupine will but attend to the suggestions I have thrown out, this picture will make his fortune;" and the learned critic began to put on his gloves and seek his hat.

The Lord and the Baronet wished the artist good morning, and, with their attendant, departed.

Poor Porcupine threw himself into his chair, and gazed wistfully at the picture. His first thought was to thrust his foot through the canva.s.s, but the word "suggestions" and "make his fortune" rang in his ears, and he burst into a long loud laugh.

"He is very learned, that Sir Hyde Jungle," observed his friend, Mr.

Dobbin, at the conclusion of the laugh.

"A very learned man," said Porcupine.

"And did he not promise to make your fortune?"

"He did," replied the artist; "and if he can he may."

The next time Sir Hyde saw the portrait, he thought the nose and the eyes were quite right--the tone of colour on the coat admirable--and the hair marvellously exact. The day after, Lady Jungle and several friends came to see the picture, and one gave Mr. Porcupine a commission for a portrait of her darling Wilhelmina. A rush of orders followed, and the great Sir Hyde Jungle did what the artist never believed, he kept his promise, and, by his wonderful talk, made Mr. Porcupine's fortune.

THE STUFFED ANIMALS IN THE EXHIBITION.

A STORY. BY POLICEMAN X X.

ONE night as I was a-going my rounds, seeing that all things were right, I felt so tired and drowsy that I could hardly keep awake; so, when I came to the Stuffed Animals, I lay down on the bench there to rest myself. I have heard of many marvellous things, but nothing that ever I knew of equals the story I am going to tell you.

I had not been lying on the bench five minutes--not more than ten minutes certainly--when I heard a confused noise as if a crowd of visitors had been let into the building. You may be sure I was astonished, but fancying there might be something in the wind, I kept still and breathed very softly. Presently a large party came into the pa.s.sage where the Stuffed Animals were, and you may imagine how I did stare--sure enough they were a lot of the beasts from the Zoological Gardens. But the most curious thing was, that many of them were dressed just like Christians. First came the big Elephant, putting me in mind, for all the world, of Mr. Trunk, the great City merchant; then the Hippopotamus, with a fez cap on exactly like the Abyssinian prince, Ippo, that was in the Exhibition a few days before; then a Kangaroo, with a smart bonnet and shawl, in the same style as Mrs. Jumper's; then a Wild Boar, looking like a country lout in a smock-frock; then a Beaver, no better dressed than one of our navvies, and who stamped on the Cat's toes, and made her squeak out so shrilly, that she made my ears tingle; then came a Parroquet, dressed like a dandy, and with him were two fas.h.i.+onable birds, Miss c.o.c.katoo and Miss Snowy Owl; then followed an old Crocodile, looking like one of those withered Indian nurses, and in her arms she carried a young Frog that might have been an Indian baby. Besides these, there was a young Monkey, exactly like my brother's boy, Jack; a Mouse, dressed in the last-fas.h.i.+oned paletot; and a little thing that for a long time I could make nothing of, but I fancy they call her a Duck-billed Platypus.

To have heard the remarks these animals made on their stuffed fellow-creatures would have made me die of laughter, but that I felt rather frightened and uncomfortable at my position so near them. The young Indian clapped his hands when he saw the two Frogs a-shaving, and the Snowy Owl flew up to see if the Great Horned Owl above her was really stuffed or not. The Cat seemed very much inclined to jump at the young Partridges; and the Mouse, dapper as he was, shrank back with fear when he caught sight of the Martins and Weasels.

At length Dent's clock struck four. The noise seemed to frighten them away; for, when I jumped up, and rubbed my eyes, they were all gone, nor could I make out by which door they left.

When I reported all this to my inspector, the only rewards I got were, to be told I had been dreaming, and to have my night's allowance of porter stopped for a fortnight.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE STRANGE VISITORS AT THE EXHIBITION.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: LORD FALCON AND HIS LONDON GUESTS.]

ALDERMAN GOBBLE'S AMBITION.

NOT many years since, Mr. Alderman Gobble was a famous member of the Corporation of the City of London. No one was more esteemed at the great Guildhall feasts than he was. No one, at Christmas time, was more constant at the Mansion-House dinners, where he was invariably placed at the head of the table, close by the Lord Mayor.

Mr. Gobble was born in Norfolk, at one of those fine old-fas.h.i.+oned farm-houses so frequently met with in that county, and was often heard to tell the tale of his first coming to London, on a bitterly cold day, when the whole country was covered with snow, on the top of the "Telegraph" coach. It was Christmas-Eve, in the year 1815, and the roof was crowded with such piles of turkeys, geese, hares, and pheasants, that he always said he had preserved an affection for them throughout his life.

Some few years after his arrival in London, Mr. Gobble became a member of the Wors.h.i.+pful Company of Poulterers, and shortly afterwards he was elected Common-councilman by a great majority of the voters, who, to show their approbation of his excellence, invited him to a handsome dinner at Poulterers' Hall. In due time, the Common-councilman became an Alderman; and it was at a grand ball given on the occasion, that he fell in love with Miss Owlet, the daughter of a magistrate very celebrated for his wisdom. The wedding was attended by all the great City people; and after this union Mr. Gobble had the satisfaction of becoming the most popular member of the Corporation, and was more frequently than ever seen at the Corporation dinners.

But the Alderman's ambition did not rest satisfied with munic.i.p.al honours. He read the debates in the House of Commons, until he thought he could speak as well as most of them, and aspired to become a member of Parliament. In this laudable desire, he was greatly abetted by his beloved spouse, who was deeply impressed with the conviction that he would be one of the most eloquent members of the House.

It happened that, about this time, the borough of Woodside became vacant. Mr. Rabbetson, the member, while on a visit to Earl Falcon, the owner of half the village of Woodside, was accidentally killed by his Lords.h.i.+p while they were out together for a day's sport.

The Alderman no sooner heard of the accident than he flew home to his wife, and told her of the opportunity that had offered itself. By the next night's mail, Mr. and Mrs. Gobble travelled down to Woodside, and, on the following day, they hired a carriage and rode over to Lord Falcon's mansion. The servants at the gate said that his Lords.h.i.+p was too ill to see company; but, at the Alderman's pressing entreaty, their cards were taken, and soon afterwards they were ushered into the lofty apartments of Woodside Hall, and through the library into the Earl's private garden. There they found his Lords.h.i.+p walking up and down the terrace, evidently in a most unamiable state of mind. Mrs. Gobble drew back when she saw his fierce looks; and the Alderman, taking off his hat, seemed undecided whether it would not be advisable to beat a retreat before his Lords.h.i.+p ate them both up, for so he seemed inclined to do. At last Mr. Gobble told his errand, and solicited the favour of his Lords.h.i.+p's interest. If Earl Falcon was angry before, he was enraged to madness now; he screamed at his visitors, stamped his feet, and rushed at them, cane in hand, so impetuously, that the intruders flew away with all the haste they could, regained their carriage, and took a post-chaise back to London without delay.

Alderman Gobble returned to town sadder, but wiser; and was never afterwards heard to talk of the honour of being a member of Parliament.

As for the borough of Woodside, Lord Falcon gave to Mr. Weesel, the family lawyer, who, report said, was somehow the cause of the death of poor Mr. Rabbetson.

MRS. STRUTT'S SEMINARY.

THE bells of Farmfield's Church rang merrily when young Mr. Strutt married his neighbour's daughter, Miss Waddle. The school-children had a holiday, and the labourers at all the farms in the village dined off roast beef and plum-pudding. Young Mr. Strutt had pa.s.sed the College of Surgeons, and set up in practice in London, in a new and fas.h.i.+onable neighbourhood at the West End; that is, he had hired two rooms in a respectable-looking house, and bargained to have his name on a great bra.s.s plate on the door. But neither his wedding nor his bra.s.s plate brought him any patients; and after a two years' trial, Mr. Strutt retired from the profession in disgust.

It luckily happened that Mrs. Strutt's papa, Mr. Waddle, determined that his daughter should receive a _superior_ education, had sent her to a very distinguished seminary, where young ladies were taught the most wonderful accomplishments by the very first masters; but where, unfortunately, they did not include the art of making apple-dumplings.