Epistles from Pap: Letters from the man known as 'The Will Rogers of Indiana' Part 7

THE REPLY OF "THE BULL."

June 3, 1933 Honorable Frank J. Goebel, a.s.st. Gen. Solicitor Baltimore & Ohio Railroad Company Cincinnati, Ohio

Dear Sir: I am told I am a Hereford bull. . .I was supreme on the Durham farm, and lord of all I surveyed--that is, until recently. . .

For years I had noticed some sort of animal or monster wend its way shrieking and rumbling across our land, always going along the same trail without variation. In daytime its head emitted black smoke and a terrific noise with its rattling body trailing back, slender and long like a snake. At night it had an enormously bright eye in the center of its mammoth head, and belched forth fire sometimes. . . We got used to it, and finding it to be totally unsociable, we adopted the wise policy of ignoring it--that is, until recently. . .

I was grazing along what my owner says Ring Lardner would laughingly call a fence, and just stepped through, or on, or over, it to where the gra.s.s looked greener. And then I went on and up to where there was less gra.s.s and more gravel, and some ties and rails. . . Then something happened, and I went winding down and down. Oh, the pain!

My owner . . . has said more nice things about me and my good qualities and worth since I got hurt than he ever said in all the years gone before. . . He said to some men who came out to see me after I was d.a.m.n near killed: "Did you ever in your life see so good an individual bull, any where, any time? Look at that head.

Imagine what it looked like before he got hit. . . I wouldn't have taken a thousand dollars for him before he was hurt. No. I wouldn't have taken two thousand dollars, nor there isn't a man among you who would have taken five thousand for him if he had been yours". . . Then my owner said: "It's confidential, of course, and I know you men well enough to know you'll keep it to yourselves. Ex-Governor Warren McCray had a man down here secretly to buy him at $10,000--to head his herd."

"Now," my owner says, "what would you appraise him at? I want to be fair with the railroad. . . You and I are farmers, and everybody knows a farmer has a hard time, and all farmers should stand together, but at the same time be fair, of course, to the railroads. Naturally we all know that railroads are not fair, and are big rich corporations, paying great high salaries to presidents and lawyers, especially lawyers, for sitting around in swivel chairs, milking the public, fixing mythical valuations to base freight rates on, and then eternally asking for rate increases when they are so high now n.o.body can s.h.i.+p anything over them . . . . .

"Still, I want you men to be absolutely fair with the railroad . .

I don't know what happened after that because they moved off toward the house. . . They say the chances are that I will live, but I wish I were dead. . . Pain, pain, ever since. My head is swollen to double, my sight in one eye may be gone. I still bleed at the nose. . .My mental anguish is unbearable. I know that which I had in abundance and have ample living proof of is gone from me, never to return. I have lost my social standing in the community in which I reside and my wimmen folks are laughing at me and at this time of the year. . . Oh, grave, where is thy sting. . .

If you care to apologize for your hasty remarks about bull mental pain and anguish, you may address me as: Respectfully, The Bull

STAMP OUT SMALL BANKS?

June 3, 1933 Honorable Virginia Jenckes Member of Congress Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C.

My dear Madam: I should appreciate your sending me a copy of H.B. #5661, (the Steagell Bill) as re-written by the Senate. I am informed the Senate struck everything out of this bill after the enacting clause, and subst.i.tuted a bill of their own--probably the Gla.s.s Bill, with some amendments.

If the bill as pa.s.sed by the Senate reads as I am informed it does, I am very much opposed. . . It would drive all small country banks out of business at least for the one reason that it requires a capital of not less than $50,000. Small country banks cannot stand a capitalization of $50,000 and pay dividends on any such amount. Small banks have small ways, limited deposits, limited territory--and consequently limited earning powers. . .

I desire to say I have been connected in one way or another with a small country bank, the Russellville Bank, of Russellville, Putnam County, Indiana, since childhood. I was sort of raised in that bank. I own the majority stock in it. I worked in it for years. It represents the life work of an older brother, now dead.

It has a capital of $15,000 and a surplus of $47,500. . .

In times like these, all proposed bank legislation should be carefully considered--to say the least. There are not so many of us left, and those that remain deserve some consideration for having weathered what we have.

I am cognizant of the fact that something serious ails, or has ailed, the banking business. . . I am also aware that banking, with its attending care, custody and handling of other people's money, takes on a public nature that some other businesses do not have. . . And please do not form the opinion that I, in the slightest degree, desire to block sound, reasonable, safe and sane banking legislation. Absolutely the contrary. But . . . I insist that a small community is ent.i.tled to a small bank for its small business in the same arithmetical ratio that a large or populous community is ent.i.tled to a large bank. . . Viewed from the angle the Senate seems to have, I should think it would be better to fix a minimum of capital and surplus combined (for as far as security to depositors is concerned, there is no difference between capital and surplus) for a maximum of deposits.

Suffice to say, I am utterly and unqualifiedly opposed to an arbitrary fixed minimum capitalization of $50,000 for small banks. . . To me it means mighty, mighty few banks in towns of less than 2,000 people.

If that is the intention, then the bill is perfect--in that respect.

Very Respectfully

A FAN OF THE OLD SCHOOL

July 8, 1933 Mr. Lee Tracy Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Hollywood, California

My dear fellow Cadet: This is not a "fan" letter. . . I probably recognize ten or fifteen actors and actresses at sight. Yesterday I saw a movie magazine. You were telling about yourself. I saw the name "Western Military Academy" in print and that galvanized me. I read the article from start to finish. I was tremendously pleased at the kindly treatment you gave "Western." Hence, this letter--the first I ever wrote an actor or actress. My G.o.d!

Mother taught me a theater was the Devil's work-shop.

I graduated Western in 1899. . . I had arrived at the age where I was reluctantly permitting the "old folks" to reside in our home.

The local high school eventually granted me a diploma in order to make room for students. "Western" was father's answer. . .

Everybody has a hobby. Some good, some not. After about 30 years of worldly experience, "Western" and its welfare is probably mine. There was where I first learned a small town banker's son might later on in life meet some noticeable compet.i.tion. . .

"Western" needs favorable advertising and plenty of it. I cheerfully do what I can, but of course my field is tremendously limited. Just what you said in your magazine article about yourself is what "Western" needs. Only more of it. Last evening and today I learn you are one of the best known men of your profession. You evidently have thousands of admirers. Some time, some where, some how, some of them will have a boy here and there of the proper school age. And the fact those parents hold you as they do, if they can only know you went to Western, will be the deciding factor where those boys will go to school. Get me?

I am not a sentimentalist. I don't ask any one, and especially a stranger, to spend either time or money on me and my hobby for me alone. Honestly I don't. I'm pretty tight myself. Maybe I have to be, and I'm that way by nature anyway. But without any expense of course to you, if you would drop the hint to the Metro folks that you have an idea a newsreel of an up-to-the-minute Military school, at say, Commencement time, would have an appeal to the public, and especially to the younger feminine public, and that "Western" is the school to "shoot", or whatever it is you call it, and Metro would agree, then we might get somewhere with publicity for Western. . .

I do not ask or expect a reply. I think I know what you are up against in the way of correspondence. I was in the Legislature for 16 years. We have Legislative "cranks" here, just like you have movie "fans" there--only not so much so. Now I'm a railroad lobbyist whenever the Session meets. Furthermore I'm a Democrat.

As a waggish local const.i.tuent puts it, I've "gone from bad to h.e.l.l."

Be that as it may, if sometime I should learn a newsreel was showing W.M.A. in all its glory of flags, pennants, bra.s.s b.u.t.tons, and an inset of Lee Tracy as its most distinguished alumnus, I can a.s.sure you I'll dismiss the help, unbait the trap, lock the door, call a frightened and bewildered family, and hie us away to Indianapolis, or wherever it may be showing, there to carefully explain to disgusted adjacent seat holders, that I--I the erstwhile conservative country lawyer--am also an alumnus of that greatest of the great boys schools, and thus get a bit of reflected glory. . .

Respectfully,

PS. To whoever reads this. Please give me a break and show this letter to Mr. Tracy. I've never bothered him or you before, and I promise I'll never bother again.

CONSIDERABLE DIFFERENCE

January 22, 1934 In re: Estate of Charles A. D-- Hon. Isaac Kane Parks Inheritance Tax Administrator 231 State House Indianapolis, Indiana

Dear Sir: I have your letter of direction concerning the above inheritance tax matter. . .

I am a trifle confused . . . on whether you want an exact copy of the federal estate tax return as we filed it, or whether you desire a copy of the return as was finally accepted by the government. . .

"There was considerable difference."

The above quotation happened years ago at Russellville (my home town) when Bill Goodwin was section boss on the I.D.&W, and Milt Kinder, a pretty good old man--but terrifically profane--worked on the section under Bill. The crew was laying rails down west of town near Brumfield's trestle. Milt was driving spikes and missed one and hit his foot and the air was blue, and it looked like Indian Summer down that way. They rushed Milt to a doctor and patched him up.

In due course, a long four-page questionnaire came to Bill from the main office in Cincinnati: "Full name of injured employee?

Age? Years of service? How did the accident happen? When? Where?

Who saw the accident?" etc. etc. And on the last page, about two thirds of the way down, was this one word. "Remarks?", the rest of the page left blank.

Bill, the section boss, sat up about all night making it out-- painfully and laboriously. At last he came to the "Remarks". He was puzzled and confused (something like I am about the return you ask for).

Finally, under that heading he wrote the following: "Now about them 'remarks'. Do you mean Milt's, or do you mean mine? There was considerable difference."

Respectfully,

COLUMBIA NO PLACE TO GO TO SCHOOL

June 8, 1934 Hon. Frank L. Littleton, Atty.

Big Four Building Indianapolis, Indiana

Dear Sir, I have just returned from New York and Joan's graduation in Columbia. . . My Gosh, but that is a big school! On Tuesday they gave out between 4,000 and 5,000 diplomas. Had the exercises outdoors in front of the library. Must have been 15,000 or 20,000 or more people there. The crowd looked a bit like the Speedway races. . . Between my seat on some bleachers and where the diplomas were given out were numerous flights of steps, a sort of sunken garden, some four or five tennis courts, a wide blocked-off street, and a football field the short way. And between were the graduates and visitors, in camp chairs and on bleachers as thick as they could be packed. They had loud speakers, but not enough of them for me to hear from the seat I occupied. It took over an hour for the graduates and faculty to march in from four entrances. There surely must be over a thousand in the faculty. Anyway, I made up my mind then and there that Columbia was no place for an undergraduate to go to school.

It is too big. The students have practically no campus life. A great part of them are from the City of New York and surrounding cities, and they room all the way from the Battery to the Bronx.

Endless numbers of them never see or know one another. . .