The American Gentleman's Guide to Politeness and Fashion Part 25

Hence, nothing requires more delicacy and tact than the _language of compliment_, which should always be carefully distinguished from that of mere flattery. The one is the expression of well-bred courtesy, the other is oppressive and embarra.s.sing to all rightly const.i.tuted persons, and discreditable to the taste by which it is dictated.

As a general rule, it is better to talk of things than of persons, and William Penn's rule to "_say nothing of others, unless you can say something good of them_," should have no exception. Let nothing tempt you into the habit of indulging in gossip, scandal, and unmanly puerility--not even a good-natured desire to a.s.similate yourself to the companions.h.i.+p of temporary a.s.sociates. In this respect, as in many others,

"Vice is a monster of such hideous mien, As to be hated, needs but to be seen; But seen too oft, familiar with her face, We first endure, then pity, then embrace."

No conscientiously-enlightened man can reflect for a moment upon the heinousness of _slander_, or indeed of evil speaking when not allied with falsehood, without abhorrence; and yet, how few can a.s.sume that, in Heaven's High Chancery, there is no such dark record against them.

Permit me to remind you that a mere difference of _intonation_ or of _emphasis_, in repeating conversational remarks, will sometimes suffice to convey a wholly erroneous impression to others, and that a mysterious glance, a nod, a shrug, a smile, may be made equivalent to the "offense of _spoken words_."

I have recommended the adoption of good, pure English as the most unexceptionable colloquial coin. Recurring to this point, let me express the opinion that the most pretentious, or erudite language, is not always that best adapted to the purposes of practical life. No one is bound to speak ungrammatically or incorrectly, even when communicating with the illiterate, but the _simplest_ phraseology, as well as the most laconic, is often the most appropriate and expressive, under such circ.u.mstances.

Companions.h.i.+p with the educated justifies the use, without justly incurring the charge of _pedantry_, of every mode of conveying ideas that we are a.s.sured is _intelligible_ to them. Thus cla.s.sical scholars may use the learned languages, if they will, in mutual intercourse; and the popular and familiar words and phrases we have borrowed from the French, are often a convenient resource, under similar circ.u.mstances.

All this is best regulated by good-breeding and taste. It is always desirable to err on the safe side, where there is a possibility of misapprehension, or of incurring the imputation of affectation, or of a love of display.

This last consideration, by the way, affords an additional incentive to the selection of such companions.h.i.+p as is best suited to elicit the exercise of conversational grace, and stimulate the mental cultivation upon which it must be based. In addition to this advantage, is that thus afforded of familiarizing one's self with the usages of those who may be regarded as _models_ for the inexperienced. The modesty so becoming in the young, will inspire a wish to _listen_ rather than talk; but--though to be an attentive and interested listener is one of the most agreeable and expressive of compliments--remember that _practice_, if judiciously directed, cannot be too soon attempted, to secure this desirable attainment.

These remarks, I am fully aware, have been desultory and digressive, but they were designed to be rather suggestive than satisfactory; and experimental knowledge will, I trust, more than compensate you for my conscious deficiencies. I will add only a general remark or two, and then no longer tax your patience.

The ladies--dear creatures!--are most p.r.o.ne, it must be admitted, to the use of _exaggerated_ language, in conversation; with them the superlative form of the adjective will alone suffice for the full expression of feeling or opinion. But this peculiarity is by no means confined to those in whom enthusiasm and its natural expression are most becoming. The sterner s.e.x are far from being exempt from this habit, which often involves _looseness of thought_, _inaccuracy of statement_, or _positive untruthfulness_. It is desirable, as _a point of ethics_, to practise care in this regard. Using the strongest forms of expression on ordinary occasions, leaves one no _reserved corps_ of language for those requiring unusual impressiveness. _Accuracy_ is the great essential, many times, in the choice of language. A clear idea, clearly and unequivocally expressed, is indicative of a good and well-disciplined intellect, each, as I have before intimated, the result of _attention_ and _practice_.

Well-bred people are careful, when obliged to differ with others in conversation, to do so in polite language, and never to permit the certainty of being in the right to induce a dictatoral or a.s.suming manner. When only a difference of opinion or of taste is involved, young persons, particularly, should scrupulously abstain from any appearance of obstinacy, or self-sufficiency, and defend their impressions, if at all, with a courteous deference to others. Usually, nothing is gained by argument in general society. No one is convinced, because no one wishes to be, and many persons, even when 'convinced, will argue still,'

because unwilling, from wounded self-love, to admit it. Much acrimony of feeling is engendered in this way--pertinacity often causing an unpleasant conclusion to what was begun in entire good-feeling. No one is bound to renounce a claim to his individual rights in this respect, but modesty and courtesy will never sit ill upon the young, while steadfastly defending even a point of principle. "Never," said Mr.

Madison, in an admirable letter of advice to a nephew, "_never forget that, precisely in proportion as you differ from others in opinion, they differ with you_." Let me add, that they who are honestly seeking knowledge and truth, will carefully review and re-weigh opinions, tastes, and principles in regard to which they find themselves differing essentially with those whom age, experience, and learning render their admitted superiors.

And if contradiction and opinionativeness are inadmissible in good society, at least equal taste and tact are required in conveying information to others. Some graceful phrase, some self-renouncing admission or explanation, which may secure you from the envy or dislike that wounded vanity might otherwise engender, should not be forgotten when circ.u.mstance or education give you an advantage over others in the intercourse of domestic or social life.

"As in smooth oil the razor best is whet, So wit is by politeness sharpest set; Their want of edge from their offense is seen, Both pain us least when exquisitely keen, _The fame men give is for the joy they find_!"

It is usually in bad taste to talk of one's self in general society.

Humility of language, in this respect, may easily be interpreted into insincerity, and it is at least equally difficult, on the other hand, to avoid the imputation of egotism. Frankness with those to whom you are bound by the ties of friends.h.i.+p, will, many times, be the best proof you can give of the sincerity of your confidence and regard, but this will in no degree interfere with a certain _self-abnegation_ in ordinary social intercourse. Politeness may dictate our being listened to with a semblance of interest, when our own health, affairs, adventures, or misfortunes are the subject of detailed discourse on our part, but the sympathy of the world is not easily enkindled, and pity is often mingled with contempt. People go into society to be amused, not to have their courtesy taxed by appeals to sensibilities upon which others have no claim. Carlyle has well said, "_Silently swallow the chagrins of your position; every position has them_." And it is so; but one's "private griefs" are not lessened by exposure, nor made more endurable by being constantly the theme, either of one's thoughts or conversation. Let me add that their legitimate use is to teach us a ready sympathy with the sorrows and trials of others, rather than a hardened self-engrossment.

While you endeavor, therefore, to

"Conceal yoursel' as weel's ye can Frae critical dissection,"

seek to excel in personal agreeability, not for the sake of superiority so much as to secure the means of giving pleasure to others, and of ent.i.tling yourself to the favorable regard of those whose society it is desirable to enjoy. Even the readiest admirers of wit may weary of the very brilliancy of its flashes, if the coruscations too constantly recur, as the eye tires of sheet-lightning, often repeated; but who will weary of geniality, amiability, and

"Good breeding, the blossom of good sense,"

any sooner than will the eye of the lambent light of fair Diana?

No single characteristic of conversation, perhaps, so universally commends the possessor to the favor of society, as _cheerfulness_. "_A laugh_," said an eminent observer of society, "_is the best vocal music; it is a glee in which everybody can take part!_" I remember, once, being for some weeks in a hotel with a number of invalids, one of whom, though a constant sufferer, always met me with a pleasant smile, and uttered his pa.s.sing salutations in a voice cheery as a hunter's horn. Really, his simple "Good morning, Colonel Lunettes," was so replete with good-humor, courtesy, and cheerfulness, as to do one good like a cordial. It so impressed me that, at length, I responded, "Good morning, _cheerful sir_,--I believe you never fail to greet your friends in a manner that gives them pleasure." His pleasant smile grew pleasanter, and his bright eye brighter, as he replied--"I always make _a principle_ of speaking cheerfully to the sick, especially--they, of all others, are most susceptible to outward impressions." "There is a world of philosophy, as well as of humanity, in what you say," returned I, "and I can personally testify to the good effects of your kindly habit."

But it is not alone the sick, the sad, or the sensitive who hail a cheerful companion with delight--these _Human Sunbeams_ bring warmth and gladness to all--even the least susceptible feel the effects of their genial presence, almost unconsciously, and frequently seek and enjoy their conversation when even elegance and erudition would fail of attraction.

The same tact and self-respect that will preserve you from exhibitions of vanity and egotism, will dictate discrimination in the selection of topics of conversation, bearing upon matters of taste and sentiment, as well as of opinion and principle.--All affectation or a.s.sumption of superiority in this respect is offensive and worse than useless. Those with whom you have mental affinities will understand and appreciate you; but beware, especially if sensitively const.i.tuted, how you expose your sensibilities to the ridicule, or your principles to the professed distrust of those with whom, for any reason, you cannot measure colloquial weapons upon entirely equal terms.

On the contrary, again, no well-bred man ever rudely a.s.sails either the predilections or the principles of others in general society. This is no more the proper arena for intellectual conflicts than for political sparring, or theological disputes. Whatever tends to disturb the general harmony of a circle, or to give pain to any one present, is inexcusable, however truthful and important in the abstract, however wise or witty in itself considered, may be observations tending to either or both results.

This brings me to dwelling a moment upon a kindred point--the discourtesy sometimes exhibited by young men towards ladies and clergymen, in the use of equivocal language, and the introduction of exceptionable subjects in their hearing. Anything that will crimson the cheek of true womanhood, or invade the _unconsciousness_ of _innocence_, is unworthy and unmanly, to a degree of which it is not easy to find language to express sufficient abhorrence. The defencelessness of the dependent s.e.x, in this, as in all other respects, is their best protection with all who--

"Give the world a.s.surance of a _man_!"

And the same s.h.i.+eld is presented by those whose profession precludes their adopting the means of self-defence permitted to the world at large. Nothing can be more vulgar--setting aside the immorality of the thing--than to speak disrespectfully of religion, or of its advocates and professors, in society--what then shall be said of those who a.s.sail the ears of the acknowledged champions of Christianity with infidel sentiments, contemptuous insinuations, or profane expletives? Depend upon it, a _man of the world_, whatever his honest doubts, or unorthodox convictions, will be as little likely to present himself as a mark in regard to these matters for the _suspicious distrust_, or the _palpable misapprehension_ of society, as to subject himself to the charges of extreme _juvenility_ and _low breeding_ by a.s.sailing a clergyman with ridicule, or a woman with libertinism, however exquisite may be his wit in the one case, or apparently refined his insinuations, in the other.

While recommending to your attention the selection of suitable and tasteful subjects of general conversation, I should not omit to remind you that nothing but acknowledged intimacy sanctions the manifestation of curiosity respecting the affairs of others. As a rule, _direct questions_ are inadmissible in good society. Listen with politeness to what may be voluntarily communicated to you by your a.s.sociates, regarding themselves, but on no account, indulge an impertinent curiosity in such matters; and when courtesy sanctions the manifestation of interest, express your desire for information in polite language, and with a half-apologetic manner, that will permit reserve, without embarra.s.sment to either party. Let me add, that an uncalled-for exhibition of your familiarity with the private affairs of a friend, when his own presence and manner should furnish your proper clue to his wishes, is to prove yourself unworthy of his confidence. As well might one boast of his acquaintance with the great, or a.s.sume an unceremonious manner towards them, on unsuitable occasions. In either case, one is liable to the repulse sustained by an unfortunate candidate for fas.h.i.+onable distinction, who, approaching a member of English _haut ton_ in the streets of London, said, "I believe I had the honor of knowing you in the country, sir."--"_When we again meet in the country_," was the reply, "I shall be pleased to renew the acquaintance!"

_Quickness of repartee_ may be reckoned among the graces of the colloquial art, and those who are gifted with activity of intellect, and have acquired facility in the use of expressive language, should possess the power thus to embellish their social intercourse. Every one is now and then inspired in this way, I believe; but few persons, comparatively, even among the most practised conversationists, excel in this respect. How few, for instance, would have responded as readily, in an emergency, as did the half-drunk servant of Swift:

"Is my fellow here?" inquired the Dean, pus.h.i.+ng open the door of a low tavern much frequented by his often-missing _valet_.

A nondescript figure came staggering forward, and stuttered out--"_Your L-Lords.h.i.+p's f-a-l-l-o-w can't b-be f-found in all I-Ire-Ireland!_"

I have lately met, somewhere in my reading, with the following anecdote of the elder Adams, as he is frequently called. I remember, at this moment no better ill.u.s.tration of ready repartee:

"How are you this morning, sir?" asked a friend who called to pay his respects to this patriotic son of New England, during the latter days of his life.

"Not well," replied the invalid; "I am not well. I inhabit a weak, frail, decayed tenement, open to the winds, and broken in upon by the storms, and what is worse, _from all I can learn, the landlord does not intend to make repairs_!"

_A ready and graceful reply to a compliment_, may, also, be regarded as a conversational embellishment. It is not polite to _retort_ to the language of courtesy with a charge of insincerity, or of flattery.

_Playfulness_ frequently affords the best resource, or the _retort courteous_, as in Lord Nelson's celebrated reply to Lady Hamilton's questions of "Why do you differ so much from other men? Why are you so superior to the rest of your s.e.x?" "If there were more Emmas, there would be more Nelsons." One may say, "I fear I owe your commendation to the partiality of friends.h.i.+p;" or, "I trust you may never be undeceived in regard to my poor accomplishments;" or, "Really, madam, your penetration enables you to make discoveries for me." Then again, to one of the lenient s.e.x, one may reply--"Mrs. Blank sees all her friends through the most becoming of gla.s.ses--her own eyes." And to an older gentleman, who honors you with the fiat of a compliment, thus proving that it may sometimes be false that

"The vanquished have no friends,"

"Really, sir, I do not know whether I am most overwhelmed by admiration for your wit and politeness, or by grat.i.tude for your kindness." Or some phrase like this will occasionally be appropriate--"I am afraid, sir, I shall plume myself too highly upon your good opinion. You do me much honor;" or, "It will be my _devoir_, as well as my happiness, for the future, to deserve your commendation, sir;" or, "You inspire as much as you encourage me, dear sir--if I possess any claim to your flattering compliment, you have yourself elicited it." To a compliment to one's wit, or the like, one may reply--"Dullness is always banished by the presence of Miss ----;" or, "Who could fail to be, in some degree, at least, inspired in such a presence?" Then, again, a reply like this will suffice--"I am only too happy in being permitted to amuse you, madam."

Permit me in this connection, a few words respecting _conversation with ladies_. Though all mere silliness and twaddle should be regarded as equally unworthy of them and yourselves, yet, in general a.s.sociation with the fairest ornaments of creation, _agreeability_, rather than profundity, should be your aim, in the choice of topics. Sensitive, tasteful, refined,

"And variable as the shade By the light quivering aspen made,"

their vividness of imagination and sportiveness of fancy demand similarity of intellectual gifts, or the graceful tribute of, at least, temporary a.s.similation. _Playfulness_, _cheerfulness_, _versatility_, and _courtesy_ should characterize colloquial intercourse with ladies; but the deference due them should never degenerate into mere servile acquiescence, or mawkish sentimentality.

The utmost _refinement of language and of matter_ should always be regarded as essential, under such circ.u.mstances, to the discourse of a well-bred man; and should, of course, distinguish his _manner_ as well.

Thus, all slang phrases, everything approaching to _double entendre_, all familiarity of address, unsanctioned by relations.h.i.+p or acknowledged intimacy, all mis-timed or unsanctioned use of nick-names and Christian names, are as inadmissible in good society as are personal familiarities, nudging, winking, whispering, etc.

Too much care cannot be taken in avoiding all subjects that may have the effect to wound or distress others. I think I have before remarked that people go into society for enjoyment--relaxation from the grave duties and cares of life--not to be depressed by the misanthropy of others, or disturbed by details of scenes of horror. I have known persons who had such a morbid taste for such things as always to insist upon reading aloud, even in the hearing of children and ladies, the frightful newspaper details of rail-road accidents and steamboat explosions. I remember, in particular, once having the misfortune to be acquainted with such a social incubus, to whom a death in the neighborhood was a regular G.o.d-send, and to whom the wholesale slaughter made by the collision of rail-cars served as colloquial capital for weeks--indeed until some provident body corporate supplied new material for his cormorant powers of mental digestion! His letters to distant friends were a regular _bill of mortality_, filled with minute accounts of the peculiar form of disease by which every old woman of his acquaintance was enabled to shuffle off this mortal coil, and of every accident that occurred in the country for miles around--from the sudden demise of a poor widow's cow, to the broken leg of a robber of bird's-nests! I shall never forget the revulsion of feeling he produced for me, one serene summer evening, as I was placidly strolling over the sands by the sea-sh.o.r.e, drinking in the glory of old Neptune's wide-spread realm, by inflicting upon me, not only _himself_--which was enough for mortal patience--but a long rigmarole about the great numbers of fishes washed upon the sh.o.r.e by a recent storm, who had had their eyes picked out by birds of prey, while still struggling for life in an uncongenial element! On another occasion, I had the misfortune to be present when a young lady was thrown into violent hysterics by his mentioning, with as much _gusto_ as an inveterate "collector" would have exhibited in boasting the possession of a _steak_ from the celebrated "antediluvian beef," immortalized by Cuvier,[13] that he had picked up a small foot with a lady's boot on it, while visiting the scene of a late rail-road accident!

[13] Speaking in one of his public lectures, of the recent discovery (amid the eternal snows of Siberia, I think), of the carca.s.s of a _mastodon_, upon which the hunting-dogs of the explorers had fed--"_Thus_," said the great naturalist, "_did modern dogs gorge themselves upon antediluvian beef!_"

But avoiding these aggravated forms of grossness is not enough. True politeness requires attention to the peculiarities of each of the company you are with--teaching, for instance, your abstaining from allusions to their personal defects or misfortunes, to the embarra.s.sment of conversing with deaf persons, in the presence of those thus afflicted, to lameness, when some one present has lost a limb, to the peculiarities of age, in the hearing of elderly persons, to the vulgar impression that all lawyers are knaves, when one of the sons of that n.o.ble profession is among your auditors--to the murderous reputation of the disciples of Esculapius, etc. This rule will teach, too, the use of a less offensive term than that of "old maid," when speaking of women of no particular age, in the hearing of such as are by courtesy only, without the pale alluded to; and the propriety of not appealing to such authority in relation to matters of remote personal remembrance!

In no country with the social inst.i.tutions of which I am familiar, do the peculiar opinions obtain, which prevail in this country respecting _age_. "Young America" regards every one as old, apparently, who has attained majority, and _women_, in particular, are subjected to a most unjust ordeal in this respect. The French have a popular saying that no woman is agreeable until she is forty; and in both France and England, _marriage_--which first ent.i.tles a young lady to a decided position in society--usually occurs at a much later period in her life than with us. In neither of those countries are girls _brought out_ at an age when here they are frequently already mothers! But to return: nothing is more ill-bred, than this too frequent a.s.sumption of the claims of women to be exempt from social obligations and deprived of their proper places in society, in this country, while still retaining all their pristine claims to agreeability. Polished manners, cultivated tastes and personal attractions, are not to have their claims abrogated by Time. You remember the poet says:

"The little Loves are infants ever, The Graces are of every age!"

I well remember being intensely chagrined by an exhibition of under-breeding in this way while making a morning visit, with a young countryman of ours, upon a beautiful English girl, a distant relative of his.

After discussing London fogs, and other kindred topics, Jonathan suddenly burst forth, as if suddenly inspired with a bright thought.