The Bread Line Part 10

Bates during one of his more lucid intervals, the faith of all might have crumbled somewhat sooner than it did:

OFFICE OF THE "WHOLE FAMILY"

A WEEKLY PAPER FOR YOUNG AND OLD

NEW YORK, August 10, 1897.

_To Richard Cleaver, c/o Jackson & Marsh Adv. Agency, New York,_

FRIEND d.i.c.k: I have gone into this business as deep as possible, and as near as I can find out these fellows have got some money. I don't know how much yet, but at least they pay salaries regular and any bills that come.

There is a broken-down old stuff here by the name of Hazard.

He calls himself Colonel, and has been mixed up in all kinds of wild-cat enterprises for the past forty years. He knows something about running a paper of the vintage of '68 and they think he's a great man. He says they're backed by millions, but probably knows no more about it than I do.

Whatever they've got, they are "lambs," and one of them, Livingstone, is a regular infant in arms. They're going to lose their "bundle," of course, whatever it is, and we want to get as much of it as we can and as quick as possible.

Here's what _you_ want to do.

Go right to the "Family Friend" people and tell them that the "Whole Family" is placing a big lot of advertising and will cut into them in great shape. The "Friend" will give you a lot of advertising to place for them, for they are always "leery" of compet.i.tion. I have already told these chumps that they will have to do a lot more advertising than they counted on in order to get ads themselves. They are going to let me pick the places, and you can stand to win on my picking places where the commission will be worth something. You can't do that so well with the "Friend"

people, of course,--they'll pick for themselves,--but whatever we get from that end will be just so much to the good, and we'll divide profits in the middle.

Now about the money here. Tell Jackson to present his bill before he turns their copy in. They will have to pay then if they have got any money, and if they haven't we'll find it out. They can't kick, for they've talked cash all the time, though they seem to think that means when the advertising is out, and I'll let them keep on thinking so awhile longer.

Now, d.i.c.k, we ought to get a pretty good thing out of this by making it cut both ways, and I want you to attend to your end all O. K. You hustle the "Friend" folks and I'll "round up" these duffers. Then I'll come down in a day or two, and we'll go out where we can have a quiet drink and talk it over. Your commissions ought to swell up pretty well this month if we work this through properly, and mine ought to help out my salary here, which I shall go on pulling as long as their "dough" holds out to burn. Oh, but these fellows are a lot of jays! They instructed me when I came to take ads on the basis of a million circulation _at least_, and to charge _ten dollars a line_ for s.p.a.ce. How's that? I'm doing it, of course!

Yours, JOE.

About the time, possibly, that Mr. Bates was preparing this letter, the proprietors of the "Whole Family" were gathered about a table under the studio skylight in earnest discussion. In the center of the table lay a large and loud-voiced watch, a small, inoffensive-looking camera, a savage-looking gun, and a rather showy Bible. After much argument they had finally agreed upon these articles as their premiums, as well as upon the necessity of following up their "cash for names" announcement with premium offers both in their own and other periodicals. They were gathered now to prepare the copy for this advertising. Perner was performing the mechanical labor, while the others a.s.sisted him with appropriate adjectives and sentences.

"I don't think 'excellent' is a strong enough word for the watch,"

objected Van Dorn, picking up the noisy little tin box and regarding it rather sternly, perhaps because it did not suggest something more gratifying to the ear.

Perner scowled and scratched his head.

"I don't think so myself," he admitted, "but I've used up everything else on the paper. I've said 'splendid,' 'magnificent,' 'grand,'

'glorious,' and all those. There isn't anything left that I can think of. Get my Thesaurus, Stony, off the desk in the next room, and turn to 'beauty.' That'll give us a starting-point."

Livingstone obeyed, and was presently running his finger down the page.

"'Gorgeous' wouldn't quite do, would it?" he asked doubtfully.

"N-no, hardly. Look along a little farther. What comes after that?"

"Then--let's see--there's 'good-looking,' 'well-made,' 'proper,'

'shapely,' and 'symmetrical.' I don't think much of any of those, do you?"

"Well, no," reflected Van Dorn; "however true they might be of the proprietors, we'd hardly want to say that our watch was 'good-looking'

and 'proper.'"

"How about 'dazzling,' 'showy,' 'majestic,' 'sumptuous'?"

"Oh, pshaw, Stony, give me the book!" said Perner, impatiently. "Here, Barry, you look. These artists don't know any more about a dictionary than we do about a paint-shop."

Barrifield took the book and examined it a moment in silence.

"How would 'elegant' do, and 'superb'?" he asked.

"Good, but we've used them already on the paper."

"'Delicate,' 'dainty,' 'refined'--"

Livingstone looked down at the fat-bellied, moon-faced time-piece and laughed. Van Dorn took it more seriously.

"Too tappy," he said. "We want to land on the solar plexus every time.

Why not call it 'world-beating,' or--"

"Now you're talking sense!" interrupted Barrifield. "That's better than a dictionary. 'The great, world-beating "Whole Family" watch!

Stem-winding and -setting! Full-jeweled! Diamond balance! Eighteen--'"

"Hold on, Barry; I can't get it down."

Perner was scribbling rapidly. "And what does 'diamond balance' mean?"

"Never mind what it means. It sounds rich, and that's what we want."

"Don't you think we ought to have in something about the escapement?"

asked Livingstone. "All watches have escapements, don't they?"

"Why, yes," nodded Van Dorn,--"cylinder escapement--duplex action--"

Perner interrupted:

"Oh, nonsense, Van! It's the camera that has duplex action."

"'Tisn't, either--it's the watch!"

"Oh, well, let's give it to the camera, anyway," compromised Barrifield.

"We've got enough for the watch. How does it read now, Perny?"

Perner added a few more lines to what he had already written, then, leaning back in his chair, read slowly and with emphasis:

"OUR MAGNIFICENT PREMIUM OFFERS

"In addition to giving you our superb paper at the unheard-of price of ONE DOLLAR A YEAR FOR FIFTY-TWO ISSUES, we make to the _entire world_ the following supreme premium offers:

"I think," Perner paused to comment, "that that goes a few degrees better than Frisby. Here's what he says."

He picked up a copy of a paper that gave evidence of having had much careful reading and even commentary study.

"Never mind Frisby," objected Van Dorn. "We know that by heart. Let's hear what you say."