Comeback Moms Part 6

All this was useful when she put together a business plan for a company that will perform outcome studies for pharmaceutical companies. The firm will track new drugs as they enter the marketplace and follow consumer response to those drugs. Through her contacts, Pam enlisted the help of a New Mexico company to handle the database she'll need when her business is up and running. She picked her former colleagues' brains about the best way to set up the business and who to approach about contracts.

"E-mail allows you to stay in touch so easily, now there's no excuse to lose touch," she said.

Former Texas governor Ann Richards never thought she'd run for political office. She spent years volunteering for other people's campaigns because she felt pa.s.sionately about the political process. A person who agrees to plant candidate signs all over town isn't in it for the career opportunities, she's doing it because she believes in something. That love of the game led to lifelong friends.h.i.+ps and a political network that helped her run for office.

That kind of networking isn't planned or calculated. If it was you'd have to be the most patient sociopath ever created. There's no guarantee any of the networking is going to pay off. You have to commit yourself to something you love or else you'll be bitter about all the sweat equity you're putting in. You have to love the grunt work. The small jobs. The lack of regular money or not much money at all.

Monica knows finding that pa.s.sion has saved her sanity many days when she felt like she was a virtual shut-in in the suburbs. She relishes the opportunity to dress up, get out of the house, and talk to people about issues not related to her children. It makes her feel independent, young, and creative. It's amazing what a throw-up free s.h.i.+rt and no Sesame Street Sesame Street can do for your self-esteem. Within in an hour or two of acting like a grown-up with other grown-ups, a calm a.s.suredness comes over you that's refres.h.i.+ng. can do for your self-esteem. Within in an hour or two of acting like a grown-up with other grown-ups, a calm a.s.suredness comes over you that's refres.h.i.+ng.

FINDING YOUR Pa.s.sION WHILE NETWORKING.

It's possible to discover a new interest that ultimately leads to a future job you'll truly enjoy. Here are some ideas for finding new pa.s.sions.

* Think about the subjects that you can talk about for hours, go out of your way to read about, or feel happy when you're doing them. Write a list.* From that list, pick two areas to pursue.* Start small. Interested in yoga? Get involved in your local yoga studio. Find out about becoming an instructor. Have a thing for cooking? Sign up for a couple of cla.s.ses.* Be patient and open-minded. Watch where that interest takes you. You may find a new career or a new group of friends. Don't come in with preconceived notions of what you'll get out of it.* Be prepared to step up when opportunities open up. Often in our interviews we asked women how they got the opportunities they did and invariably they said right place, right time. They were qualified and able to fill the need.

You may be asking, What does yoga have to do with my former career as an accountant? Maybe your new career will be yoga studio owner. Perhaps you'll meet other people through yoga who can help you jump-start your accounting career again. The point is, following your interests is another way to put yourself out there and subtly market yourself.

OFFICE PARTIES AS CAREER DEVELOPMENT.

Husbands' office Christmas parties don't have a real positive reputation for good reason. You're generally surrounded by people who don't know you and don't really care to know you, but there's a way to turn it around.

Linda thought of the parties as networking opportunities for her, not just for her husband. She targeted successful women and talked to them about their careers. She mentioned her skills and the fact that she'd like to go back to work in a few years. She asked them to lunch and developed several mentors who have given her valuable career advice.

"I wasn't self-conscious at the parties because I had a clear goal I was trying to achieve," Linda says.

NETWORKING WITH OTHER STAY-AT-HOME MOMS.

We know you're thinking, What can a group of stay-at-home moms do for my future career?

Always expand the network of people you know, even if it's not readily apparent how people can help you. You'll be surprised at who comes through for you in a couple years when you want to go back to work. Most of the stay-at-home moms you meet will also be going back to work in a few years as well.

Gina holds a monthly wine and appetizer feast for thirty neighborhood women. They rotate houses each month and make sure the husbands are free to provide child care. The feasts originally started as a book club but quickly evolved into a conversation club. Two hours of adult conversation without interruption sounds like heaven, doesn't it?

Skylar organizes mommy movie nights. Every two weeks a group of moms meet for dinner or appetizers and some wine and a movie. They all dress in high heels and c.o.c.ktail attire. It's a great way to get out of their comfort zones and back into the adult world. It's important to extend yourself outside of the mommy ident.i.ty. You are more than a mother and you need to remind yourself of that every now and then.

There are lots of book clubs out there. Ask friends if they belong to one. Call a local bookstore. Start your own.

Adele pays for a yoga teacher to come to her house and teach a cla.s.s for her and her friends on weekends. It's a great way to see friends and get in shape in a nonthreatening place. You know what we mean, a place that isn't full of spandex-covered muscled bodies and mirrors.

Don't worry that you need, crave, obsess about having a group of women like this to hang out with sans children occasionally. It's normal. It doesn't make you a bad mother. If anything it makes you a sane mother and a hip woman to boot. If none of your friends have organized anything like this, do it yourself. Motherhood makes us all more inclined to organize. Follow your natural instincts. It doesn't even have to cost anything. Randy got together a group of four women to walk in the morning. They get up at 6:00 A.M. and walk for an hour. Their husbands look after the babies while they walk. Sometimes Randy and the other women even meet for an afternoon walk and bring the children. They look like a baby gang walking down the street with their strollers lined up side by side.

VOLUNTEERING.

It's one of the easiest ways to get in front of a wide variety of people with a ready-made subject to talk about. You didn't have a reason to talk to the vice president of the local bank until you wanted to form an alliance for a fund raiser at your children's school or the city's museum. Volunteering gives you face time with business and community leaders. Once these people know you, they'll be more amenable to helping you when you want to go back to work.

Daphne is the hyper-achiever volunteer, and we don't mean she produces the most cookies at the school bake sale. Well, she does that too. Daphne is a smart volunteer, sort of a venture capitalist volunteer. She looks at situations that have potential for growth, meaning she doesn't rush to help the most successful biggest fund raiser with dozens of people clamoring to volunteer. She finds the events that are small and could grow with the help of her talents. In doing so, she went from event designer to financial advisor at a museum in a couple years.

Daphne speaks Spanish fluently. She offered to help run the exchange student and cultural awareness programs at her children's school. The role mushroomed into her helping parents prep for exchange students. She even gave tours to other parents who were concerned about a multicultural approach and who were looking at the school. The parents were often new to town and needed recommendations for other services. Daphne's husband is a dentist so it was a nice tie-in for new business.

When her older children's high school was casting about for a new way to raise money, Daphne saw an opportunity to take the fund raising to the next level. She took over a woodworking project and turned it into a money-making operation.

The year before a former teacher had donated old wood-carving tools to the school. The kids learned how to make rudimentary designs in the wood and made small wooden boxes that they sold in a school craft fair for twenty dollars each.

Daphne decided to make benches and tables with ceramic tile mosaic designs. She bought boxes of discontinued tiles from home goods stores and hired a professional furniture maker to supervise the students' progress. Each cla.s.s was in charge of making a bench and table. After four months of hard work, she had eight pieces of furniture with beautiful designs. She had the same professional woodworker stain the legs of the benches and tables.

Daphne didn't stop there. She had the school display the pieces in the library for two weeks before the event to get parents talking. She hired a professional auctioneer to handle the bidding. They raised $21,000.

The event was such a hit that local TV stations did stories on it and the newspaper wrote an article. Daphne got nicknamed the "woods woman." The exposure gave her a reputation as a phenomenal fund raiser and opened doors. She met mothers who were plugged into the fund-raising circuit. They enlisted Daphne's help on a benefit for the Museum of Natural History.

She was named design chair for the event and given $8,000 to turn a ballroom into a Mexican-themed paradise. That budget wasn't enough to buy floral arrangements, so Daphne bought bags of dried sage flowers and pinion and scattered them on the floor. She approached a couple of vendors about letting the museum borrow things in exchange for free advertising in the museum's programs and free tickets to the events. She got large Day of the Dead skeletons and long benches for free.

She bought rolls of brightly patterned fabric for a reduced price from a store that was going out of business. She spent hundreds of hours sewing fifty pillows and wall coverings to transform the ballroom into a hip Mexican cantina. She sewed at night when her children were sleeping or on the weekends when the kids were playing.

"It was great for my kids to see me doing what I said I was going to do," Daphne said about why she worked so hard. The other reason was because the design had her name on it, so she wanted it to be wonderful.

She purchased five-dollar tin lanterns for table centerpieces. She used the rest of her money to hire mariachi players and fortune-tellers.

The museum board was impressed, so impressed they asked her to be on the board.

When she joined the museum's board, Daphne didn't let the success go to her head. She saw herself as starting from the ground floor. She says her strategy for the first few meetings was to be quiet and learn. Daphne's big on first impressions and didn't want to put her foot in her mouth by saying something wrong. So she'd listen, absorb, and do the reading.

When the board decided to do strategic planning they gave her a whole new level of responsibility, which built her resume and contacts. She did a lot of the number crunching and financial work for the plan. She basically served as the chief financial officer. She forecasted revenue, recalculated the price point for museum tickets, and set an ambitious goal for corporate sponsors.h.i.+ps.

The role raised her profile enough that other boards offered her positions. The world of board members.h.i.+p is small. After you do well on one board, other boards want you, which is great if you can afford it.

Many boards require a commitment of $1,000 to $5,000 depending on the board and the level you're at. Several nonprofits have two-tiered boards. One is a junior level, which costs less and requires less of a time commitment than the advisory or senior board. Some boards require time commitments in lieu of money.

Often your husband's employer or your former employer contributes money to the organization and may be interested in sponsoring some or all of your board fee. It's good to investigate the cost of joining before you do.

If you don't want or can't afford to spend the money you can defer joining a board and continue to work on event committees. You'll mingle with lots of connected people and show off your skills doing the committee work.

Like Daphne, Tucker is an uber volunteer but her opportunity came to her. Her ascension into that world happened almost by accident and free of charge.

Following the birth of her second child, Tucker agreed to do some pro bono strategic planning work for a local arts organization called Young Audiences (now Big Thought).

Even after she quit her job to spend more time with her children, she continued working on the organization's strategic plan. Young Audiences liked her work so much they asked her to continue to volunteer for them after the plan was completed. Eventually, she became chairman of the board and president of the organization while juggling her four children's activities.

Another dividend to choosing your volunteer activity wisely is expanding your contacts base. Arts and civic boards are comprised of men and women who are leaders in their community. These are people you could potentially turn to for job leads and advice if and when you decide to return to work.

"If I wanted to get a job right now," Tucker said, "the people I met through the board would be the people I would go to first because they have seen my effectiveness in a job setting outside the mommy setting."

Karen Hughes seconds the idea of volunteering in a smart way. Don't agree to volunteer for every child-oriented activity there is. We've said it before, but it's important to emphasize it. Look at your interests and find volunteer opportunities that revolve around them. You will be networking and enjoying it.

I KNOW I SIGNED UP FOR IT BUT DO I HAVE TO GO?.

We understand how it is when you sign up for an event. It sounds great when it's two weeks away. Then the day rolls around and you've got a million things to do or a million things you have done. You don't feel like doing it. You'll have to talk to people and be cheery. Wouldn't it be better to have quality time with your kids?

Even our uber volunteer Daphne has those days when she wants to stay home instead of going to a volunteer event. It's a lot easier to keep your sweats on and eat pizza with your kids than shower, change, and run out the door. But you have to make yourself do it. We're not going to lie to you: the first couple meetings you go to will feel a little awkward. You won't know a lot of people. You aren't schooled in the ways of the group. It's been a while since you dressed up and stood around in heels. Persevere and it'll improve. The more you do it, the better you get at it.

Daphne has a few tips for going to events.

* Get to an event early so you have time to talk to lots of people before they get inundated with other friends.* If you know dinner or appetizers will be offered, eat before you get there. You don't want to be so hungry that you're focused on food instead of meeting people. It's hard to eat, talk, and shake hands at the same time.* When you go up for a gla.s.s of wine you can snag two gla.s.ses and offer one to someone else. It'll give you a conversation starter.* Ask the group to a.s.sign you a mentor or buddy. The person is usually a senior member of the organization. She knows everyone and can school you on how the group functions.

MULt.i.tASKING.

A lot of us respond with "I don't have time" when another responsibility is thrown our way. It's our knee-jerk reaction because we feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to fulfill the obligations we already have-kids, husband, house, meals, pets...the list goes on and on. That's why the thought of getting involved with politics or giving time to an organization sends our hearts racing.

We gossip with each other about those seeming superwomen who do everything while managing to smell nice and stay skinny. They must be addicted to their children's Ritalin. That's the only explanation we can come up with to explain their hyperactivity and productivity.

We decided to go right to the source and ask one of the superwomen we know how she does it.

Kathy serves on charitable boards, delivers Meals on Wheels, coaches her daughter's basketball team, leads the Cub Scout pack, chairs fund-raising committees at her children's school, and runs a design magazine that she and her husband purchased part time. In her "spare time" she plays tennis in a league. Did we mention she has four children?

We know what you're thinking because we think it too, there's no way any single human being can accomplish all that. Let's hear her out.

She credits her father with guiding her path.

Her father told her that there are segments to life-learning, earning, and serving. He suggested to her that if she planned carefully, she could weave in and out of these segments successfully.

"So I segment these things," she said. "I tell myself this is my time to be a good mom. This is my time to be a good volunteer."

She carefully chooses what she feels she can successfully accomplish, and she's organized about it, even going so far as to keep a huge calendar that sits on top of the kitchen counter in full view of everyone in her family. The calendar, which is the size of a small billboard, contains every aspect of her day, month, and year. It has at least ten lines per day, including margin notes and lots of white out as schedules change. No one in the family makes a move before consulting it.

The other big factors in her ability to maintain a balance that she feels comfortable with are the productivity paradigm and trading off.

We all encounter the productivity paradigm in one form or another. We could spend three hours cleaning the house, or if we're pressed by an unexpected play date or in-law visit, we could accomplish about the same amount of cleaning in one hour. Sure there's more stress, but we're more efficient. Most of us can cram things into our schedule and become more productive up to a point. At that point we become too stressed to cope and nothing gets done the way we'd like. It's a sign to cut back. What's that point? It's different for all of us.

Kathy has found hers. She says she's realistic about what she can and cannot accomplish. She sacrifices certain activities to do others. This is the other big factor in maintaining balance, realizing you can't do everything in one day or one week. Sometimes you have to put things off until tomorrow.

"I ignore my own stuff-shopping and reading," she explained. "I don't do the ladies-who-lunch thing, and I've cut back my tennis. I don't mind, though, because I feel like I get a lot from what I'm doing."

Recently, Kathy added a new role to her busy itinerary-magazine publisher. She and her husband purchased a design magazine from a woman at her child's school and grew it into a regional publis.h.i.+ng company. For a while, her husband ran things full time. Then he was offered the position of president of another larger publis.h.i.+ng company. Rather than give up their own firm, she and her husband decided that she should step in and run things on a part-time basis. She hasn't been doing it long, but she thinks things are going okay.

Not everyone can keep up Kathy's pace, nor would they want to. We're out on both counts. And that's the point. Kathy makes choices that work for her. She does a lot, but she's not pulling out her hair, stressing, or complaining-though most people wouldn't trade places with her.

Don't let others guide your life. If you think you can handle something and want to do it, go for it. You'll surprise yourself. Granted, you may never be like Kathy, but you may find a balance in your own life that makes the juggling act well worth your time.

FINDING THE TIME.

You're probably saying to yourself right about now, "Telling me to volunteer for organizations and political campaigns sounds great, but when am I supposed to do all this when I have kids to take care of, homework to help with, meals to cook, and a house to clean? I'm barely managing as it is!"

We agree it's a daunting task, but we also know it can be done. The key is organization. You have to plan carefully and be realistic about your limitations. You also have to come to grips with the idea that sometimes, despite your best intentions and most careful planning, you'll end up flying by the seat of your pants to get certain things done or give up on doing them entirely.

First, decide what you absolutely need or have the physical ability to do. Write these items on your calendar in ink and bold letters. These are the things you must do to keep your home in order and your sanity in check.

Next, evaluate your overall family situation. If your child is a newborn, for example, your free time will be limited because caring for your baby will consume nearly every waking moment of your day. You may only be able to engage in outside activities once a week on Mom's Day Out or when your mother or sister can come over to help. If your child is in school, you may find yourself with time to take on additional outside responsibilities during school hours or you may try to arrange for set weekly child care after school or enlist your spouse's help if some of your activities occur during time your children are at home.

Finally, carefully select activities that you feel you can reasonably and successfully undertake and fit comfortably in your schedule. We say "comfortably" because if you try to cram several commitments into your limited free time, you'll end up with an ulcer or worse. In addition, you'll end up hating what you're doing and derive no benefit from it whatsoever.

You can be creative in how you handle things. Monica's friend Melissa is one of the top volunteers at her son's school. Melissa serves as a homeroom mother, Cub Scout den leader, and director of the school store among other things. She does all this while caring for her three boys ages three to ten. Melissa's husband travels out of town a lot, so she's often left to deal with the kids by herself morning to night.

When performing one of her duties, many times Melissa simply brings the boys along, finds something fun and safe they can do, and then does her volunteer work. It is not uncommon to see Melissa's car parked in the car pool line with the trunk lid up while she sells school spirit items from the back of her car. Meanwhile, her two youngest children sit and play happily in the backseat.

WAYS TO MULt.i.tASK AND KEEP YOUR SANITY* Carefully choose the extra activities you undertake. Are these things you're pa.s.sionate about? Will they further your goals? It's important that you're doing something you truly enjoy and you feel is worthwhile because you'll be sacrificing in order to do it.* Find good child care on the days and times you'll be engaging in these outside activities. This may mean hiring a part-time nanny, taking your child to a Mother's Day Out program, or enlisting your mother, sister, or spouse in the cause.* Buy a calendar or develop some similar system for keeping track of your activities as well as those of the family. Have it in plain view, where the whole family can refer to it.* Accept the fact that you will have to sacrifice some activities to do others. Your house might not be as spotless as it was before, but you'll be making valuable contacts in return.

When Melissa realized a year ago that her Cub Scout den would need to meet during a time that her two youngest boys were out of school, she enlisted the help of a girl in middle school. Just prior to each meeting, Melissa walked her children over to the school playground where the girl would watch and entertain the kids until Melissa finished with the meeting. Whenever Melissa has a more involved project that she knows will take up more of her time, Melissa's mom visits from out of town and helps her take care of the kids.

You know your own circ.u.mstances and limitations. Be honest with yourself. If you are realistic about what you can and cannot do, careful planning can help you achieve your goals.

WHERE CAN YOU VOLUNTEER?.

Your child's school is an excellent place to start. Many schools ask for parents' a.s.sistance in organizing fund raisers, reviewing curriculum, and developing strategic plans. By offering your time, you not only help your child, but you network with other parents who either have jobs themselves or have spouses who do. Also, among these other parents are a couple of extremely experienced volunteers who will pull you into other organizations they commit time to. They'll introduce you to the group that raises money for the ballet or the opera and overnight your social circle, and therefore your future job networking circle, will double.

Another good source of volunteer work is your city's Junior League. The only downside is you must be nominated by a current Junior League member.

VOLUNTEERING YOUR WAY INTO A PART-TIME JOB.

Lucinda is a corporate lawyer who took time off but didn't want to lose all her contacts. She thought that as long as she was in front of professionals on a regular basis she'd be all right.

VOLUNTEER RESOURCES* Hands On Network (www.handsonnetwork.org)* Volunteer Match (www.volunteermatch.org)* Points of Light Foundation (www.pointsoflight.org)* Volunteering: How Service Enriches Your Life-and How Its Unexpected Halo Effect Boosts Your Career Volunteering: How Service Enriches Your Life-and How Its Unexpected Halo Effect Boosts Your Career by John Raynolds by John Raynolds* The Back Door Guide to Short-Term Job Adventures: Interns.h.i.+ps, Extraordinary Experiences, Seasonal Jobs, Volunteering, Working Abroad The Back Door Guide to Short-Term Job Adventures: Interns.h.i.+ps, Extraordinary Experiences, Seasonal Jobs, Volunteering, Working Abroad by Michael Landes by Michael Landes* The Busy Family's Guide to Volunteering: Doing Good Together The Busy Family's Guide to Volunteering: Doing Good Together by Jenny Friedman by Jenny Friedman

She thought about teaching a cla.s.s but she didn't have a specialty area to develop a curriculum around. Instead of waiting around for the perfect situation, she decided to coach her old law school's mock trial team. She knew the dean was always short on people willing to devote the time to train young law students how to argue a case. She reasoned if she coached the team the dean would think highly of her and it would give her an excuse to stay in contact with him and old professors. Then if any opportunities came up, she'd be in a position to slip into teaching a cla.s.s.

She headed the mock trial team for three years. She spent countless hours coaching students on their presentation skills and editing their briefs. The teams did very well. They advanced in national compet.i.tions and even had the opportunity to compete internationally.

Spending all that time at the school and coordinating with the administration about travel and other expenses, Lucinda did get close to the dean. When an opportunity came up to teach a cla.s.s on the Americans with Disabilities Act (the ADA), he offered it to her. Right place, right time: It's good to get exposure.