Quips and Quiddities Part 39

Le premier soupir de l'amour est le dernier de la sagesse.

CHARRON, _La Sagesse_.

For he himself has said it, And it's greatly to his credit, That he is an Englishman!

For he might have been a Roosian, A French, or Turk, or Proosian, Or perhaps Italian!

But in spite of all temptations To belong to other nations, He remains an Englishman!

W. S. GILBERT, _H.M.S. Pinafore_.

Baron Alderson being asked by the chaplain of the High Sheriff at the a.s.sizes over which he was to preside, how long he would like him to preach, replied, "About half an hour, with a leaning to mercy."

J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_.

_ON EVENING DRESS._

When dress'd for the evening, girls, nowadays, Scarce an atom of dress on them leave; Nor blame them--for what is an Evening Dress, But a dress that is suited to Eve?

ANON.

It's the silliest lie a sensible man like you ever believed, to say a woman makes a house comfortable.

It's a story got up, because the women are there, and something must be found for 'em to do.

I tell you there isn't a thing under the sun that needs to be done at all, but what a man can do better than a woman, unless it's bearing children, and they do that in a poor make-s.h.i.+ft way. It had better ha' been left to the men.

_Bartle Ma.s.sey_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_.

To sniggle or to dibble, that's the question!

Whether to bait a hook with worm or b.u.mble, Or to take up arms of any sea, some trouble To fish, and then home send 'em. To fly--to whip-- To moor and tie my boat up by the end To any wooden post, or natural rock We may be near to, on a Preservation Devoutly to be fished. To fly--to whip-- To whip! perchance two bream;--and there's the chub!

F. C. BURNAND, _Happy Thoughts_.

Anecdote of Phil Stone, the property-man of Drury Lane:--"Will you be so good, sir, as to stand a little backer?" said Phil to a gentleman behind the scenes, who had placed himself so forward as to be seen by the audience. "No, my fine fellow," returned the exquisite, who quite mistook his meaning; "but here is a pinch of snuff at your service."

R. H. BARHAM, _Life_.

At a friend's house Charles Lamb was presented with a cheese; it was a very ripe, not to say a lively cheese, and, as Lamb was leaving, his friend offered him a piece of paper in which to wrap it, so that he might convey it more conveniently. "Thank you," said Charles, "but would not several yards of twine be better, and then, you know, I could _lead_ it home?"

FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said, "Is what we chiefly need; Pepper and vinegar besides Are very good indeed-- Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear, We can begin to feed."

"But not on us," the Oysters cried, Turning a little blue.

"After such kindness, that would be A dismal thing to do!"

"The night is fine," the Walrus said; "Do you admire the view?"

LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Gla.s.s_.

Religion is like the fas.h.i.+on. One man wears his doublet slashed, another laced, another plain; but every man has a doublet: so every man has his religion. We differ about the tr.i.m.m.i.n.g.

SELDEN, _Table Talk_.

Romances paint at full length people's wooings, But only give a bust of marriages; For no one cares for matrimonial cooings, There's nothing wrong in a connubial kiss.

LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_.

A young lady decorously brought up should only have two considerations in her choice of a husband: first, is his birth honourable? secondly, will his death be advantageous? All other trifling details should be left to parental anxiety.

_Madame Deschappelles_, in LORD LYTTON's _Lady of Lyons_.

"The doctor's as drunk as the d----," we said, And we managed a shutter to borrow; We rais'd him, and sigh'd at the thought that his head Would consumedly ache on the morrow.

We bore him home and we put him to bed, And we told his wife and his daughter To give him next morning a couple of red- Herrings with soda-water.

Slowly and sadly we all walked down From his room in the uppermost story; A rush-light we placed on the cold hearth-stone, And left him alone in his glory.

R. H. BARHAM, _Ingoldsby Lyrics_.

Benjamin Franklin was always proud of telling how he entered Philadelphia, for the first time, with nothing in the world but two s.h.i.+llings in his pocket and four rolls of bread under his arm. But really, when you come to examine it critically, it was nothing. Anybody could have done it.

MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_.

I've thought very often 'twould be a good thing In all public collections of books, if a wing Were set off by itself, like the seas from the dry lands, Marked "_Literature suited to desolate islands_",14113 And filled with such books as could never be read Save by readers of proofs, forced to do it for bread,-- Such books as one's wrecked on in small country taverns, Such as hermits might mortify over in caverns, Such as Satan, if printing had then been invented, As a climax of woe, would to Jove have presented, Such as Crusoe might dip in, although there are few so Outrageously cornered by fate as poor Crusoe.

J. R. LOWELL, _A Fable for Critics_.

_Bellmour._ Ah! courts.h.i.+p to marriage is but as the music in the play-house till the curtain's drawn; but that once up, then opens the scene of pleasure.

_Belinda._ Oh, foh--no; rather, courts.h.i.+p to marriage is a very witty prologue to a very dull play.

CONGREVE, _The Old Bachelor_.

_ON HEARING A LADY PRAISE A CERTAIN REV. DOCTOR'S EYES._

I cannot praise the Doctor's eyes; I never saw his glance divine; He always shuts them when he prays, And when he preaches he shuts mine.