Jingo. Part 8

"Oh, no, sir. But I am a quick learner, sir, and I believe I have some prowess with the carving knife." The butler's face showed a patriotic alertness.

"On turkeys and so on..." said Vimes.

"Yes, sir," said Willikins, buffing up the ceremonial helmet.

"And you're off to fight the screaming hordes in Klatch, are you?"

"If it should come to that, sir," said Willikins. "I think this is adequately polished now, sir."

"A very sandy place, so they say."

"Indeed, sir," said Willikins, adjusting the helmet under Vimes's chin.

"And rocky. Very rocky. Lots of rocks. Dusty, too."

"Very parched in parts, sir, I believe you are correct."

"And so into this land of sand-colored dust and sand-colored rocks and sand-colored sand you you, Willikins, will march with your expertise in cutlery and your red and white uniform?"

"With the gold frogging, sir." Willikins thrust out his jaw. "Yes, sir. If the need arises."

"You don't see anything wrong with this picture?"

"Sir?"

"Oh, never mind." Vimes yawned. "Well, we shall miss you, Willikins." Others may not, he thought. Especially if they have time for a second shot.

"Oh, Lord Venturi says it'll all be over by Hogswatch, sir."

"Really? I didn't know it had started."

Vimes ran down the stairs and into a smell of curry.

"We saved you some, sir," said Sergeant Colon. "You was asleep when the lad brought it round."

"It was Goriff's kid," said n.o.bby, chasing a bit of rice around his tin plate. "Enough for half the s.h.i.+ft."

"The rewards of duty," said Vimes, hurrying toward the door.

"Bread and mango pickle and everything," said Colon happily. "I've always said old Goriff isn't that bad for a rag'ead."

A pool of sizzling oil...Vimes stopped at the door. The family, huddling together The family, huddling together...He took out his watch. It was twenty past ten. If he ran- "Fred, could you just step up to my office?" he said. "It won't take a moment."

"Right, sir."

Vimes ushered the sergeant up the stairs and closed the door.

n.o.bby and the other watchmen strained to listen, but there was no sound except for a low murmuring which went on for some time.

The door opened again. Vimes came down the stairs.

"n.o.bby, come up to the University in five minutes, will you? I want to stay in touch and I'm d.a.m.ned if I'm taking a pigeon with this uniform on."

"Right, sir."

Vimes left.

A few moments later Sergeant Colon walked carefully down to the main office. He had a slightly gla.s.sy look and walked back to his desk with the nonchalance that only the extremely worried try to achieve. He toyed with some paper for a while and then said: "You don't mind what people call you you, do you, n.o.bby?"

"I'd be minding the whole time if I minded that, sarge," said Corporal n.o.bbs cheerfully.

"Right. Right! And I I don't mind what people call don't mind what people call me me, neither." Colon scratched his head. "Don't make sense, really. I reckon Sir Sam is missing too much sleep."

"He's a very busy man, Fred."

"Trying to do everything, that's his trouble. And...n.o.bby?"

"Yes?"

"It's Sergeant Colon, thanks."

There was sherry. There was always sherry at these occasions. Sam Vimes could regard it dispa.s.sionately, since he always drank fruit juice these days. He'd heard they made sherry by letting wine go rotten. He couldn't see the point point of sherry. of sherry.

"And you will try try to look dignified, won't you?" said Lady Sybil, adjusting his cloak. to look dignified, won't you?" said Lady Sybil, adjusting his cloak.

"Yes, dear."

"What will you try to look?"

"Dignified, dear."

"And please please try to be diplomatic." try to be diplomatic."

"Yes, dear."

"What will you try to be?"

"Diplomatic, dear."

"You're using your 'henpecked' voice, Sam."

"Yes, dear."

"You know that's not fair."

"No, dear." Vimes raised a hand in a theatrical gesture of submission. "All right, all right right. It's just these feathers. And these tights." He winced and tried to do some surrept.i.tious rearranging in an effort to prevent himself becoming the city's first hunchgroin. "I mean, supposing people see see me?" me?"

"Of course they'll see you, Sam. You're leading the procession. And I'm very very proud of you." proud of you."

She brushed some lint off his shoulder.*

Feathers in my hat, Vimes thought glumly. And fancy tights. And a s.h.i.+ny breastplate. A breastplate shouldn't be s.h.i.+ny. It should be too dented to take a decent polish. And diplomatic talk? How should I know how to talk diplomatically?

"And now I must go and have a word with Lady Selachii," said Lady Sybil. "You'll be all right, will you? You keep yawning."

"Of course. Didn't get much sleep last night, that's all."

"You promise not to run away?"

"Me? I never never run-" run-"

"You ran away before the big soiree for the Genuan amba.s.sador. Everyone saw you."

"I'd just got news that the De Bris gang were robbing Vortin's strongroom!"

"But you you don't have to chase everyone, Sam. You employ people for that now." don't have to chase everyone, Sam. You employ people for that now."

"We got 'em, though," said Vimes, with satisfaction.

He'd enjoyed it immensely, too. It wasn't just the pursuit that was so invigorating, with his velvet cloak left behind on a tree and his hat in a puddle somewhere, it was the knowledge that while he was doing this he wasn't eating very small sandwiches and making even smaller talk. It wasn't proper police work, Vimes considered, unless you were doing something that someone somewhere would much rather you weren't doing.

When Sybil had disappeared into the crowd he found a handy shadow and lurked in it. It enabled him to see almost the whole of the University's Great Hall.

He quite liked the wizards. They didn't commit crimes. Not Vimes's type of crimes, anyway. The occult wasn't Vimes's beat. The wizards might well mess up the very fabric of time and s.p.a.ce but they didn't lead to paperwork, and that was fine by Vimes.

There were a lot of them in the hall, in all their glory. And there was nothing finer than a wizard dressed up formally, until someone could find a way of inflating a Bird of Paradise, possibly by using an elastic band and some kind of gas. But the wizards were getting a run for their money, because the rest of the guests were either n.o.bles or guild leaders or both, and an occasion like the Convivium brought out the peac.o.c.k in everyone.

His gaze went from face to chatting face, and he wondered idly what each person was guilty of.*

Quite a few of the amba.s.sadors were there, too. They were easy to pick out. They wore their national costumes, but since by and large their national costumes were what the average peasant wore they looked slightly out of place in them. Their bodies wore feathers and silks, but their minds persistently wore suits.

They chatted in small groups. One or two nodded and smiled to him as they pa.s.sed.

The world is watching, Vimes thought. If something went wrong and this stupid Leshp business started a war, it's men like these who'd be working out exactly how to deal with the winner, whoever it was. Never mind who started it, never mind how it was fought, they'd want to know how to deal with things now now. They represented what people called the "international community." And like all uses of the word "community," you were never quite sure what or who it was.

He shrugged. It wasn't his world, thank goodness.

He sidled over to Corporal n.o.bbs, who was standing by the main doors in the sort of lopsided slouch which was the closest a living n.o.bbs could come to attention.

"All quiet, n.o.bby?" he said, out of the corner of his mouth.

"Yessir."

"Nothing going on at all at all?"

"Nossir. Not a pigeon anywhere, sir."

"What, nowhere? Nothing?"

"Nossir."

"There was trouble all over the place yesterday!"

"Yessir."

"You did tell tell Fred he was to send a bird if there was anything at all?" Fred he was to send a bird if there was anything at all?"

"Yessir."

"The Shades? There's always always something-" something-"

"Dead quiet, sir."

"d.a.m.n!"

Vimes shook his head at the sheer untrustworthiness of Ankh-Morpork's criminal fraternity.

"I suppose you couldn't take a brick and-"

"Lady Sybil was very speffic about how you was to stop here," said Corporal n.o.bbs, staring straight ahead.

"Speffic?"

"Yeah, sir. She come and have a word with me. Gave me a dollar," said n.o.bby.

"Ah, Sir Samuel!" said a booming voice behind him, "I don't think you've met Prince Khufurah yet, have you?"

He turned. Archchancellor Ridcully was bearing down on him, towing a couple of swarthy men. Vimes hurriedly put on his official face.

"This is Commander Vimes, gentlemen. Sam...no, I'm doing this the wrong way round, aren't I, got the protocol all wrong-so much to sort out, the Bursar's locked himself in the safe again, we don't know how he manages to get the key in there with him, I mean, it's not even as if it's got a keyhole on the inside..."

The first man held out a hand as Ridcully bustled off again. "Prince Khufurah," he said. "My carpet got in only two hours ago."

"Carpet? Oh...yes...you flew..."

"Yes, very chilly and of course you just can't get a good meal. And did you get your man, Sir Samuel?"

"What? Pardon?"

"I believe our amba.s.sador told me you had to leave the reception last week...?" The Prince was a tall man who had probably once been quite athletic until the big dinners had finally weighed him down. And he had a beard. All Klatchians had beards. This Klatchian had intelligent eyes, too. Disconcertingly intelligent. You looked into them and several layers of person looked back at you.