The Corfu Trilogy Part 50

'I wish everybody would hurry up and finish eating,' said Margo, 'then we could get on with the acts.'

'To hurry such a meal vould be an insult,' said Jeejee. 'There is time, the whole night stretches before us. Besides, Gerry and I have to go and organize my supporting cast of reptiles.'

It took quite some time before the cabaret was ready, for everyone was full of wine and good food and refused to be hurried. Eventually, however, Margo got the cast a.s.sembled. She had tried to get Larry to be master of ceremonies but he had refused; he said that if she wanted him to be part of the cabaret he was not going to be master of ceremonies as well. In desperation, she had had to step into the breach herself. Blus.h.i.+ng slightly, she took up her place on the tiger skin by the piano and called for silence.

'Ladies and gentlemen,' she said. 'Tonight, for your entertainment, we have a cabaret of the best talent on the island and I'm sure that you will all enjoy the talents of these talented talents.'

She paused, blus.h.i.+ng, while Kralefsky gallantly led the applause.

'I would like to introduce Constantino Megalotopolopopoulos,' she continued, 'who is going to act as accompanist.'

A tiny, fat little Greek, looking like a swarthy ladybird, trotted into the room, bowed, and sat down at the piano. This had been one of Spiro's achievements, for Mr Megalotopolopopoulos, a draper's a.s.sistant, could not only play the piano but read music as well.

'And now,' said Margo, 'it is with great pleasure that I present to you that very talented artiste Lena Mavrokondas accompanied by Constantino Megalotopolopopoulos on the piano. Lena will sing that great area from Rosy Cavalier Rosy Cavalier, "The Presentation of the Rose".'

Lena, glowing like a tiger-lily, swept to the piano, bowed to Constantino, placed her hands carefully over her midriff as though warding off a blow, and began to sing.

'Beautiful, beautiful,' said Kralefsky as she finished and bowed to our applause. 'What virtuosity.'

'Yes,' said Larry, 'it used to be known as the three-vee method at Covent Garden.'

'Three-vee?' asked Kralefsky, much interested. 'What's that?'

'Vim, vibrato, and volume,' said Larry.

'Tell them I will sing encore,' whispered Lena to Margo after a whispered consultation with Constantino Megalotopolopopoulos.

'Oh yes. How nice,' said Margo fl.u.s.tered and unprepared for this largesse. 'Ladies and gentlemen, Lena will now sing another song, called "The Encore".'

Lena gave Margo a withering look and swept into her next song with such vigour and so many gestures that even Creech was impressed.

'By George, she's a good-looking wench, that!' he exclaimed, his eyes watering with enthusiasm.

'Yes, a true artiste,' agreed Kralefsky.

'What chest expansion,' said Creech admiringly. 'Bows like a battles.h.i.+p.'

Lena finished on a zither-like note and bowed to the applause which was loud but nicely judged in warmth and length to discourage another encore.

'Thank you Lena, that was wonderful. Just like the real thing,' said Margo, beaming. 'And now, ladies and gentlemen, I present the famous escape artists, Krafty Kralefsky and his partner, Slithery Stephanides.'

'Dear G.o.d,' said Larry, 'who thought of those names?'

'Need you ask?' said Leslie; 'Theodore. Kralefsky wanted to call the act "The Mysterious Escapologist Illusionists" but Margo couldn't guarantee to say it properly.'

'One must be thankful for small mercies,' said Larry.

Theodore and Kralefsky clanked on to the floor near the piano carrying their load of ropes, chains and padlocks.

'Ladies and gentlemen,' said Kralefsky. 'Tonight we will show you tricks that will baffle you, tricks so mysterious that you will be agog to know how they are done.'

He paused to frown at Theodore, who had dropped a chain on the floor by mistake.

'For my first trick I will ask my a.s.sistant not only to bind me securely with rope but chain as well.'

We clapped dutifully and watched, delighted, while Theodore wound yards and yards of rope and chain around Kralefsky. Occasional whispered altercations drifted to the audience.

'I've... er... you know... um... forgotten precisely the knot... Um... yes... you mean the padlock first first? Ah yes, I have it... hm... er... just a second.'

At length, Theodore turned apologetically to the audience.

'I must apologize for... er... you know... er... taking so long,' he said, 'but, unfortunately, we didn't have time to... er... practise, that is to say...'

'Get on with it!' hissed Krafty Kralefsky.

At length, Theodore had wound so many lengths of rope and chain around Kralefsky that he looked as though he had stepped straight out of Tutankhamen's tomb.

'And now,' said Theodore, with a gesture at the immobile Kralefksy, 'would anyone like to... er... you know... examine the knots?'

Colonel Ribbindane lumbered forward.

'Er... um...' said Theodore, startled, not having expected his offer to be taken up. 'I'm afraid I must ask you to... um... that is to say... if you don't actually pull pull on the knots... er... um...' on the knots... er... um...'

Colonel Ribbindane made an inspection of the knots that was so minute one would have thought he were chief warder in a prison. At length, and with obvious reluctance, he p.r.o.nounced the knots good. Theodore looked relieved as he stepped forward and gestured at Kralefsky again.

'And now, my a.s.sistant, that is to say, my partner partner, will show you how... easyitisto... er... you know... um... rid yourself of... er... um... several yards... feet, I should say... though, of course, being in Greece, perhaps one should say metres... er... um... several metres of... er... rope and chains.'

He stepped back and we all focused our attention on Kralefsky.

'Screen!' he hissed at Theodore.

'Ah! Hm... yes,' said Theodore, and laboriously moved a screen in front of Kralefsky.

There was a long and ominous pause, during which we could hear panting and the clanking of chains from behind the screen.

'Oh dear,' said Margo, 'I do hope he can do it.'

'Shouldn't think so,' said Leslie, 'all those padlocks look rusty.'

But at that moment, to our astonishment, Theodore whipped away the screen and revealed Kralefsky, slightly purple of face and dishevelled, standing free in a pool of ropes and chains.

The applause was genuine and surprised, and Kralefsky basked in the adulation of his audience.

'My next trick, a difficult and dangerous one, will take some time,' he said portentously. 'I shall be roped and chained by my a.s.sistant and the knots can be examined by ha ha the sceptics among you, and then I shall be cast into an airtight box. In due course you will see me emerge miraculously, but it takes some time for me to achieve this... er... miracle. The next act will kindly entertain you.'

Spiro and Megalotopolopopoulos appeared dragging a large and extremely heavy olive-wood chest of the sort that used to be used for storing linen. It was ideal for the purpose, for when Kralefsky had been roped and chained and the knots examined minutely by a suspicious Colonel Ribbindane, he was lifted into it by Theodore and Spiro and slid into the interior as neatly as a snail into its sh.e.l.l. Theodore, with a flourish, slammed the lid shut and locked it.

'Now, when my a.s.sis... er... my... er... um... partner, this is to say... signals, I will release him,' he said. 'On with the show!'

'I don't like it,' said Mother. 'I hope Mr Kralefsky knows what he's doing.'

'I shouldn't think so,' said Leslie gloomily.

'It's too much like... well... premature burial.'

'Perhaps when we open it he'll have changed into Edgar Allan Poe,' suggested Larry hopefully.

'It's perfectly all right, Mrs Durrell,' said Theodore. 'I can communicate with him by a series of knocks... um... a sort of Morse code.'

'And now,' said Margo, 'while we are waiting for Krafty Kralefsky to escape, we have that incredible snake charmer from the East, Prince Jeejeebuoy.'

Megalotopolopopoulos played a series of thrilling chords and Jeejee trotted into the room. He had removed his finery and was clad simply in a turban and loincloth. As he could not find a suitable snake-charming pipe, he was carrying a violin which he had got Spiro to borrow from a man in the village; in his other hand he held his basket containing his act. He had rejected with scorn my slow-worms when he had seen them as being far too small to aid in the cultivation of the image of Mother India. He had insisted instead on borrowing one of my water snakes, an elderly specimen some two and a half feet long and of an extremely misanthropic disposition. As he bowed to the audience the top fell off the basket and the snake, looking very disgruntled, fell out on to the floor. Everyone panicked except Jeejee, who squatted down cross-legged near the coiled snake, tucked the violin under his chin and started to play. Gradually, the panic subsided and we all watched entranced as Jeejee swayed to and fro, extracting the most agonizing noises from the fiddle, watched by the alert and irritated snake. Just at that moment came a loud knock from the box in which Kralefsky was incarcerated.

'Aha!' said Theodore. 'The signal.'

He went to the box and bent over, his beard bristling as he tapped on it like a woodp.e.c.k.e.r. Everyone's attention was on him, including Jeejee's, and at that moment the water snake struck. Fortunately, Jeejee moved so that the water snake only got a firm hold on his loincloth; however, it hung on grimly and pugnaciously.

'Ow! My G.o.d!' screamed the incredible snake charmer from the East. 'Hey, Gerry, quick, quick, it's biting me in the crutch.'

It was some minutes before I could persuade him to stand still so that I could disentangle the snake from his loincloth. During this time, Theodore was having a prolonged Morse code conversation with Kralefsky in the box.

'I do not think I can do any more,' said Jeejee, shakily accepting a large brandy from Mother. 'It tried to bite me below the belt!'

'He will apparently be a minute or two yet,' announced Theodore. 'He's had a little trouble... er... difficulty, that is, with the padlocks. At least, that's what I understand him to say.'

'I'll put the next act on,' said Margo.

'Think,' said Jeejee faintly, 'it might well have been a cobra.'

'No, no,' said Theodore. 'Cobras are not found here in Corfu.'

'And now,' said Margo, 'we have Captain Creech, who will give us some old-time songs and I'm sure you'll want to join in with him. Captain Creech.'

The captain, his top hat tilted at a rakish angle, strutted across to the piano and did a little bow-legged to and fro shuffle, twirling the cane he had procured.

'Old sea shanty,' he bellowed, putting his top hat on the end of his cane and twirling it round dextrously. 'Old sea shanty. You all join in the chorus.'

He did a short dance, still twirling his hat, and came in on the beat of the song which Megalotopolopopoulos was thumping out, 'O Paddy was an Irishman, He came from Donegal, And all the girls they loved him well, Though he only had one ball, For the Irish girls are girls of sense, And they didn't mind at all, For, as Paddy pointed out to them, 'Twas better than none at all.

O folderol and folderay, A sailor's life is grim, So you're only too delighted, If you get a bit excited, Whether it's with her or him.'

'Really, Larry!' said Mother, outraged, 'is this your idea of entertainment?'

'Why pick on me?' asked Larry, astounded. 'It's nothing to do with me.'

'You invited him, disgusting old man. He's your friend.'

'I can't be responsible for what he sings sings, can I?' asked Larry irritably.

'You must put a stop to it,' declared Mother. 'Horrible old man.'

'He certainly twirls his hat round very well,' said Theodore enviously. 'I wonder how... he... er... does it?'

'I'm not interested in his hat it's his songs.'

'It's a perfectly good music hall ditty,' said Larry. 'I don't know what you're going on about.'

'It's not the sort of music hall ditty I'm I'm used to,' said Mother. used to,' said Mother.

'O, Blodwyn was a Welsh girl, She came from Cardiff city, And all the boys they loved her well, Though she only had one t.i.tty,'

carolled the captain, getting into his stride.

'Repulsive old fool!' spat out Mother.

'For the Welsh boys there, Are boys of sense, And didn't they all agree, One t.i.tty is better than two sometimes, For it leaves you one hand free.

O folderol and folderay, A sailor's life is grim...'

'Even if you don't consider me, you might consider Gerry,' said Mother.

'What d'you want me to do? Write the verses down for him?' asked Larry.

'D'you... you know... hear a sort of tapping tapping?' asked Theodore.

'Don't be ridiculous, Larry, you know perfectly well what I mean.'

'I wondered if he might be ready... um... the trouble is, I can't quite remember the signal,' Theodore confessed.

'I don't know why you always have to pick on me,' said Larry. 'Just because you're you're narrow-minded.' narrow-minded.'

'I'm as broad-minded as anybody,' protested Mother indignantly. 'In fact, sometimes I think I'm too broad.'

'I think think it was two slow and three quick,' mused Theodore, 'but I may be mistaken.' it was two slow and three quick,' mused Theodore, 'but I may be mistaken.'

'O, Gertrude was an English la.s.s, She came from Stoke-on-Trent, But when she loved a nice young lad, She always left him bent.'

'Listen to that!' said Mother. 'It's beyond a joke. Larry, you must stop him.'

'You're objecting, objecting, you you stop him,' said Larry. stop him,' said Larry.

'But the boys of Stoke They loved a poke, And suffered in the bed, For they said that Gert Was a real prime skirt, But she had a left-hand thread.'

'Really, Larry, you carry things too far. It's not funny.'

'Well, he's been through Ireland, Wales and England,' Larry pointed out. 'He's only got Scotland to go, unless he branches out into Europe.'

'You must stop him doing that!' said Mother, aghast at the thought.