Vicious Grace Part 1

Vicious Grace.

M. L. N. Hanover.

To Sigrid Drusse.

Acknowledgments.

I would once again like to thank Jayne Franck for the use of her name; my editor, Jennifer Heddle, for her attention and support; and my agents, Shawna McCarthy and Danny Baror, for making this project possible. And also Carrie Vaughn, whose friends.h.i.+p and intellectual company have made this a more interesting book.

PROLOGUE.

Kim arrived at the fMRI suite twenty minutes later than she'd intended. It was in a wing of the hospital she rarely pa.s.sed through, and late at night, there were few people to ask for directions. As she swiped her card through the pa.s.skey protection, she had a sense of being tardy for cla.s.s. The doors opened silently onto a long, empty corridor. Only one in three lights glowed, giving the s.p.a.ce a sense of twilight and darkness. The smell of antiseptic and electricity seemed to cover something deep and earthy. The closed doors of the individual rooms couldn't quite shut out the clanks and thumps of the machines. A man in a white coat much like her own leaned out of a door halfway down the hall, his eyebrows raised and his mouth set in a scowl.

"I'm here for Dr. Oonis.h.i.+," she said, and his scowl s.h.i.+fted into something odd-relief, perhaps? Antic.i.p.ation?

"You must be Kim," the man said, waving her forward. "I'm Mohammed. He's in his office. He said to send you back as soon as you came."

Kim forced a tight smile and nodded curtly. She knew her reputation in the hospital and at the university, and she more than half expected this all to be a prank. It wouldn't be the first time someone had seen fit to make fun of the kook, and Kichirou Oonis.h.i.+ had a reputation of his own. Media appearances, popular books, combative letters in the journals, appearances before Congress. Large grants for flashy, headline-grabbing research. He had a lot of pull in the academic hierarchy, and his sense of humor wasn't to be trusted.

But even if she was walking into her own private Punk'd moment, she would see the research in progress. That was worth something. And she trusted that she could maintain her dignity. G.o.d knew she had enough practice at that.

Oonis.h.i.+'s office could have belonged to an accountant. Desk, filing cabinet, worn carpet with old stains, the smell of stale coffee. Only the sixty-inch touch-screen monitor on the wall hinted at the grant money behind the project. Oonis.h.i.+ leaned on the desk, his gaze flickering over the computer screen. Six individual panes were open on it, each showing confused jumbles of grainy black-and-white images. A seventh pane spooled green characters on a black background too quickly for her to process. The wallpaper image behind it all was Oonis.h.i.+ shaking hands with a former president.

He glanced up at her and then back to the screen. His face wasn't rugged so much as cragged, and the white at his temples made Kim feel younger than she was. Or at least less qualified.

"So," Oonis.h.i.+ said, without preamble, "you understand how all this works?"

Kim crossed her arms.

"It isn't in my area of expertise, but I imagine that I understand the theory. At least as well as you understand parasites," she said.

He blinked at her. The light from the monitor blued his skin and deadened his eyes.

"I don't know s.h.i.+t about parasites," he said. The matter-of-fact tone might have meant anything: that her work was beneath him, that she wasn't expected to understand his experiments, or that even a mind as broad and deep as his own had its limits. Kim took a deep breath. If it was all a joke, the best thing she could do was be gracious. Kill him with kindness and let him look like the a.s.shole.

"Fair enough," she said. "I know a little about what you're doing here. I read your article about the Miywaki study. Computational neuroimaging. Using blood flow to specific parts of the early visual cortex to reconstruct observed images."

"Yeah," Oonis.h.i.+ said, his gaze s.h.i.+fting back to the flickering screens. "The b.i.t.c.h of it is the neo-cortex isn't all one-way streets, you know? There's more neurons feeding up to it from the deeper parts of the brain than there are coming in from the eyes. We don't have a baseline for that feedback, so that's what I'm looking at. What visual activity you get when there's no conscious direction or sensory input."

"Watching people's dreams," Kim said.

Oonis.h.i.+ s.h.i.+fted his shoulders, an impatient expression ghosting across his face. It wasn't, apparently, a description he liked. Never mind that it was accurate.

"It's not as hard as it sounds. We spent a few months with the subjects doing standardizing studies. Seeing which regions fired when the subject saw particular lines in particular parts of their visual fields. Building up functional maps. Then when they're asleep, we see what's firing, and use the maps to put the puzzle back together. Simple. Worst part was finding people who can sleep in an fMRI machine. b.a.s.t.a.r.ds are loud. And the subjects can't move. But . . ."

He pointed to the screen. The gray, grainy images on the monitor flickered and danced. For a moment, a face appeared in one, openmouthed and distinctly feminine despite image resolution so blocky as to approach the abstract. Another showed something that might have been a house with a wide staircase rising up to the door. The image flickered, replaced by something that was clearly a moving object, but too blurred for Kim to make out.

A little thrill pa.s.sed through her at peeking into another person's private world. The theory was interesting enough, but the experience had a dose of voyeurism more powerful than she'd expected. And more than that, the sense of witnessing something . . . not miraculous. Better than miraculous. Something unexpected and reproducible. Standing witness as the limits of human knowledge changed. If it had been in her own field, she might have fought with a little professional jealousy. As it was, she started running down how Oonis.h.i.+'s machines could be adapted for measuring parasitic behavioral modifications. She'd almost forgotten the man was in the room with her when he spoke again.

"You're looking at five years of my life. I've got twenty graduate students who have put their hearts and souls into this research. They're betting their careers on this."

"It's good work," Kim said. "Very impressive."

Oonis.h.i.+ shook his head. He pressed his lips so tight, they all but vanished. The silence in the room was fragile. Kim felt a little clench in her belly. If this was a joke, the setup would begin here. She had to stay on her guard. Oonis.h.i.+ tapped on the huge screen, closing the dusty windows into the sleepers' minds.

"Look at this," he said, tapping an icon and resizing the resulting window with a sweep of his fingers. Again, six windows flickered. The time stamp in the corner said September 4. A little more than a week earlier. A bare breast appeared in one of the screens, almost startling in its detail.

"Subject three," Oonis.h.i.+ said, smiling at her reaction. "We can always tell when he's been watching p.o.r.n."

"Tell me that isn't why you asked me here."

"It's not," Oonis.h.i.+ said. "Here. Now. Watch."

The six screens s.h.i.+fted. A cooling fan within the computer kicked on, as much hiss as hum. Kim's neck began to ache, just at the base of her skull. All six images shuddered at once, and then synchronized. Not perfectly, but almost so, like six cameras trained on the same object. In the blocky gray scale, it could have been anything roughly rectilinear-a box, a machine, a coffin-set into a lighter gray. Black, with strong lines. In each screen, the thing cracked, arcs of whiteness pouring out. The lighter gray around the opening lid s.h.i.+fted like soil. Dark earth. Kim's breath was suddenly ragged, her heartbeat faster than it should have been.

The box burst open, light pouring out of it. What color was it, she wondered. Had they dreamed this as the clarifying yellow-blue of dawn? The red and gold of sunset? There was something inside the light. She had the impression of a forest of gla.s.slike teeth, an eye, a hand with fingers splayed and proportions out of true. The screens fluttered, s.h.i.+fted, and fell out of sync. A moment later, they were all different again, each mind on its own, individual journey. Oonis.h.i.+ stopped the playback.

It was a trick. She couldn't let herself fall for it.

"Interesting," Kim said. "Data corruption?"

"I've been through the data streams. They're all fine."

"Well, it's clearly some kind of equipment failure," Kim said. "Unless you mean to suggest that all your subjects magically started sharing the same dream."

She let it hang in the air between them. Even if all of his research a.s.sistants were secretly recording the exchange, an upload link to YouTube standing by, Kim was not going to come off looking like the idiot. Let him come to her.

"You have," Oonis.h.i.+ began, "something of a reputation for-"

"I got drunk at a Christmas party four years ago," Kim said. "I said some things that have been wildly misinterpreted."

"Do you believe in spirits?"

"I am a research scientist. Maybe not in a field with as much respect and clout as yours, but I'm not some kind of crystal-humping, incense-burning new age fake. No matter what you may have heard." Her face felt hot, her throat thick with an anger she hadn't expected. She swallowed, cursing herself for rising to the bait, even that much.

"Then you don't believe," Oonis.h.i.+ said.

Kim gave herself a moment before she spoke. She had to keep better control.

"I believe there are many, many things we haven't figured out yet," she said, pus.h.i.+ng back a stray lock of hair. "If no one ever came across evidence that didn't fit theory, I wouldn't have a job."

The concession softened Oonis.h.i.+'s expression. He sat on his desk, leaning over his own knees. His feet didn't reach the floor, and his heels tapped against the side of the desk. Kim had a brief, powerful image of what the man would have looked like as a young boy sitting in a chair too big for him. When he spoke, his voice was low, almost a whisper.

"If I have . . . artifacts like that when I publish, the best thing that will happen is Boaris and Estrahaus at Stanford will accuse me of faking the data. My career will be destroyed. And not just mine. Every coresearcher on the project will be guilty by a.s.sociation. Their careers will be over before they've begun," he said. And then, slowly, as if each word cost him, "I'm in trouble here."

Cold and dread filled Kim's belly. He looked lost. He looked empty.

It wasn't a prank.

"Show me again," she said.

Oonis.h.i.+ rose, tabbed back the playback, and they watched again. The dark box, more than half buried. The uncovering. The flas.h.i.+ng, pouring light. Teeth. That misshapen hand. Kim found she'd pressed her fingers to her mouth without realizing she'd done so. Oonis.h.i.+ stopped the flow of images.

"I know you've caught some h.e.l.l for talking about this kind of thing," he said, his voice very careful, preemptively apologetic. "But can you help me?"

"I can't," Kim said. And a moment later, "But I know someone."

ONE.

I lay as flat as I could on the carpet of old pine needles, my rifle hugged close against my cheek. The world smelled of soil and gun oil and sweat. I kept my breath soft, my hands steady. In the crosshairs, Chogyi Jake crouched beside a huge pine tree, one hand on the rough bark to steady himself. He had a rifle of his own, held low against one hip. The sun was setting behind me. If he looked in my direction, the light would dazzle him. From my perspective, it was like G.o.d was s.h.i.+ning a spotlight on him. The targeting site magnified his familiar face. To someone who didn't know him, who hadn't spent over a year day-in, day-out in his company, he might have looked fine. To me, he radiated the same physical exhaustion I felt. I let the crosshairs drift down to his body. Shoot for the center of ma.s.s, I told myself. Go for the biggest target.

Gently, I put my finger on the trigger. I breathed out as I squeezed. My rifle coughed, and a wide swath of bark two feet above Chogyi Jake's head bloomed neon green. He looked up at it, and then out toward me with an expression that said Really? That was your best shot? just as three sharp impacts drilled into my side. Baby blue splotches marked my autumn-leaves camouflage fatigues. Aubrey's color. I rolled onto my back and said something crude.

"Okay, Miss h.e.l.ler," Trevor said in my earpiece. He always called me Miss h.e.l.ler instead of Jayne. I had the impression that even after he'd heard it p.r.o.nounced correctly-zha-nay-he was afraid he'd refer to me as Jane or Janie. "I think we're calling it a day."

I fumbled with the mic. Somewhere in the exercise, I'd pushed it down around my collarbone.

"Got it," I said. "I'll see you back at the cabin."

I lay there for a moment, the wide Montana sky looking down at me through the trees. The setting sun turned a few stray wisps of cloud rose and gold. The ground under me felt soft, and the sting of the paintb.a.l.l.s faded. A breeze set the pines rippling with a sound like something immense talking very gently. I thought that if I closed my eyes, I could fall asleep right there and dream until the bears woke up next spring. My muscles felt like putty.

I felt wonderful.

I'd gotten Trevor Donnagan's name from a cop friend of mine in Boulder. He'd said that Trevor was hands-down the best place to go if you absolutely, positively had to train yourself into a killing machine in the minimum possible time. A former Green Beret and five or six different kinds of black belt, Trevor had spent the better part of his life meditating on how to dislocate joints, shatter bones, and immobilize bad guys without having the same happen to him. His cabin sat on eight square miles of fenced-off woodland, and he was charging me enough for a month of private, intensive training to pay for eight more. Considering the shape my life had taken in the last year, it was cheap.

I'd been coming up on my twenty-third birthday when my uncle Eric died. I went to Denver knowing that I'd been named his executor. I didn't know that I was also his sole heir, or that he had more money than some small countries. Or that he'd made his fortune as a kind of spiritual fixer, dealing with any number of parasitic things from just outside reality that could take over people's minds and bodies and do magic a thousand times more powerful than a normal person could manage. Vampires, werewolves, shape-s.h.i.+fting demons. The generic term was rider.

Now I was almost a month into twenty-four, and several times in the past year, my learning curve had approached vertical.

Aubrey walked up from my left. I knew from the sound of his footsteps that he was at least as tired as I was. I turned my head. His camouflage was smeared with Day-Glo yellow over his right shoulder and left hip, meaning that Ex had gotten the drop on him at least once during the day. His sandy hair stood at ten different angles, and a smear of mud darkened one cheek. I raised my left hand. He took it and hauled me up to my feet. I followed through, collapsing against him a little, my forehead resting in the comfortable curve where his shoulder met his neck. I felt his chuckle as much as heard it.

"I have never been this tired in my life," he said, threading his arm around me. "I'm getting too old for this."

"Poor ancient man," I said. "Can't keep up with his bouncing baby girlfriend."

"My poor childlike sweetie looks like she could use some rest too."

"I'm fine," I said, leaning against him a little more. "Just lulling you into a sense of safety."

"Besides, I'm not that old."

"Men's physical peak is, like, twenty-five," I said. "You're ten years past that. Your teeth should start falling out any minute now."

"You keep me young," he said with a mock sourness, and spun me back toward the east and our walk to Trevor's cabin. The sun blazed on the horizon, glowing like a fire among the trees. The shadows of the low, rolling hills splashed against the landscape, and the green and yellow of the cottonwood trees nearest the cabin standing out against the evergreen pine. It was at least a half-mile walk, down a long, gentle slope to the path that curled around to the north. We walked together, our rifles slung over our shoulders, our paint-stained uniforms glowing in the twilight like we were veterans of the battle of Playskool Ridge. The wind cooled. The sky faded from blue to gray, darkness creeping up the eastern sky. Missoula was an hour-and-a-half drive away, and not even a smudge of backsplash on the nighttime clouds.

The cabin itself was two stories of stained wood and black iron with a wide, flat expanse on one end like a military parade ground and a barn in the back that was really a gym and dojo unlike anything I'd ever seen before. Our rented minivan squatted beside a dusty three-quarter-ton pickup truck. His b.u.mper stickers suggested Trevor was unlikely to vote for a Democrat. Inside, warm, thick air carried the scents of curry and fry bread. A sudden near-raging hunger hollowed my stomach. Trevor stood in the doorway to the kitchen, nearly blocking out the light behind him. The man was built like a refrigerator.

"Soup's on in twenty, Miss h.e.l.ler," he said. "Should give all of you a shot at the showers."

"Thank you," I said.

"You can leave your weapons in the case there. I'll get them stripped and cleaned."

I knew I should have objected, should have insisted on doing it all myself if only to prove that I wasn't just some poor little rich girl hauling her male friends on some kind of weird Outward Bound retreat. I let the fatigue win.

"Is Ex already here?" I asked instead.

"Upstairs," Trevor said. "Jake's there too."

Aubrey tilted his head like he'd heard something strange.

"Is something wrong?" he said.

Trevor crossed his ma.s.sive arms and looked uncomfortable.

"Nothing we can't talk about after dinner," he said. "Twenty minutes."

On the way up the stairs, Aubrey exchanged a silent look with me. It hadn't been so long since I'd been in a more traditional learning environment, and even though I knew I was the one paying Trevor, part of me got nervous at the thought that teacher was p.i.s.sed off about something. At the head of the stair, we split, Aubrey heading down the left-hand hallway while I went to the right. Alone in my little monastic cell of a room, I stripped off my fatigues and sweat-soaked T-s.h.i.+rt. As the only woman, I got the cell with the private bathroom; an undersized toilet crowded against a tiny sink, with a shower the size of a postage stamp. The closest I had to an amenity was a soft towel and a full-length mirror. After I'd washed the bits of pine needle and dirt out of my hair, I paused and took stock of my new bruises. There was a nasty one, blue-black on my left hip where I'd landed wrong when Trevor threw me. Four light ones across my back, legacies of paintball failures. Or five, if I counted the one hidden by the half-finished tattoo at the small of my back. A raw, red patch on my s.h.i.+n from slipping during a fast scramble up a stony ravine. And with the scars I had on my side where a possessed man had shoved knifelike fingers into my ribs last August, and the long, white-pink mark where a voodoo G.o.d had split my arm open in the spring, I looked pretty beat-up. Well seasoned, Trevor called it.

As soon as I was dressed again-blue jeans, Pink Martini T-s.h.i.+rt under a wool cardigan, white sneakers-I headed downstairs. Aubrey wasn't at the dinner table yet, but Ex and Chogyi Jake were. Ex was in his usual priestly black even though he'd dropped the whole Jesuit gig long before I'd ever met him. His white-blond hair was tied back in its severe ponytail. Chogyi Jake had skipped his usual sand-colored linen s.h.i.+rt for the kind of white sleeveless T-s.h.i.+rt my big brother used to call a wifebeater when our parents weren't around. His scalp was freshly shaved and s.h.i.+ning, his smile as genuine and enigmatic as ever. I pulled out a chair and sat down. Our rifles were, I noticed, already disa.s.sembled, cleaned, rea.s.sembled, and put away with nothing more left behind than a slight hint of gun oil under the curry.

"Holding together?" I said.

"We're fine," Ex said.

"It's a more vigorous lifestyle than I'm used to," Chogyi Jake said, "but I have high hopes that the training effect will kick in."

Aubrey clomped down the stairs nineteen minutes after we'd gone up, and Trevor emerged from the kitchen with the food a minute after that. Pineapple chicken curry with saffron rice. Fresh nan bread. Sag aloo. Trevor grinned as we all made appreciative noises. If he'd brought out cheap, greasy drive-through burgers, I probably would have thought it was the best-looking meal ever. This was like something out of a very good dream. Trevor sat at the head of the table and bent his head to say grace. Ex and Chogyi Jake did likewise, Ex with his eyes squeezed hard and Chogyi Jake with the polite air of following someone else's form. I didn't bow my head, and because I didn't, Aubrey didn't either. When Trevor opened his eyes, we ate for half an hour straight without pausing to talk.