Harvest Home Part 29

With panicky little moaning sounds, she scrabbled to me, sliding her hands up along my thighs, seizing and laying her cheek against me; I could feel the bite of her red nails where she had forced me to power. I lifted my foot, placed it against her shoulder, shoved violently. She fell back in the water, her mouth wet and red, then came to a crouching position and raised her arms as if she knelt upon an altar. The G.o.ddess pleading to be fulfilled. I would not. I would not pleasure the G.o.ddess; I would destroy her.

Even as I moved toward her, I knew I wanted to kill her. I flung myself on her, my hands murderous as they sought her throat, fingers closing on her windpipe. I seized her chin, wrenched it from side to side in the shallow water. I half rose and, bending, dragged her into the deeper part, thrusting her head up and down, her tantalizing smile appearing amid a froth of bubbles. I drove her under, holding her submerged, watching her hair rippling outward, undulant as seaweed, snakes-Medusa's head. I would obliterate it.

Again I drove her downward, held her there, watched the bubbles rise, saw the mocking smile, as though she defied me to do it. Her head drifted upwards, the cool, ripe b.r.e.a.s.t.s surfacing, the water draining between them. Then, scarcely realizing my intent, as she floated limp but smiling, I dragged her to the clay bank and propped her against it. She lay there, her b.r.e.a.s.t.s still rising and falling. She was not dead; but would be. There was another way, a better way. My body imprisoning hers, my hands began tearing at her dress, stripping it from her, shucking her bare. She had revived, but she did not understand what I meant to do. Her hands came up, caressing the back of my neck. She pulled my head close, her lips on mine, her tongue forcing its way into my mouth, her hand fumbling its way between us, stroking, manipulating me. I grabbed her wrists and flung her arms from her sides, using my knees to force her legs farther apart. She drew her thighs around the outsides of my thighs and pulled me in toward her. Her nails dug into my neck, my shoulders, and in return I flailed her b.r.e.a.s.t.s with my muzzle, using the beard stubble to abrade the tender skin. And then, fully aroused, I began ramming at her.

The light had not died in her eyes; their whiteness blazed at each thrust, her thighs sliding against me not in protest, but widening, opening herself to let me find her, to make me take her. Digging my feet into the ground for purchase, I felt my b.u.t.tock muscles knot as I arched my back and drove myself into her. She shuddered and cried out then, but when I freed her hands her arms welcomed me in embrace. I wound my fingers in her wet hair and gripped, still wanting to kill her, not with my hands but with that other part of me that she had aroused. I worked at her and worked, then halted, watching her eyes roll, wild like an animal's, holding her impaled on me, for I would not finish yet, and when I had mastered myself I worked again, rearing and plunging, and mixed with my curses and her pa.s.sion were the sounds of our clas.h.i.+ng bodies, muscles and tissue, the bulging noises I could force from her, the thud of my chest against hers, the slap of our wet bellies.

It became a duel. Willingly she would take from me, but I would not give to her. There would be no ecstasy for her, only pain. But her pain became her ecstasy. "Oh, yes," she moaned, "my Greek, my Lord. Plow me, plow me." A full-throated plea and the water ran from her body in rivulets down the bank, mixing with the dark clay, and I dug handfuls of it and, riding her, ramming her against the ground, I smeared it in her face, the substance of Mother Earth, rubbing it in her eyes and ears, stopping her mouth with it, forcing her cheeks to wallow in it, her shoulders and b.r.e.a.s.t.s, ever driving, thrusting, pulling back, and ramming her again, sucking the saliva up from my throat and spitting it in her face, the face of the Mother G.o.ddess, driving against her, twisting, to batter her pliant flesh, to drive the G.o.ddess back into Mother Earth and bury her there.

She did not stop her words and though I battled her and thought the battle mine, she worked upon me to have her way, inviting my violence, glorying in it, using all her parts, and I, losing, thought that no machine had ever been so cleverly invented, so beautifully crafted to provide pleasure. I fought her with the strength of my body, but hers was stronger. As I surged into her, I heard my curses soften, heard them become endearments. I put my mouth to her b.r.e.a.s.t.s and sucked. Murmuring, she held me gently in her arms and I knew I had lost then. The duel was hers. Fulfilling me, she had vanquished me. I had not taken her and violated her, for the earth was not to be taken or violated, and she was of the earth. She was earth itself, the Mother G.o.ddess, and even as my s.e.m.e.n flowed I could feel my eyes sting as the tears came; the man unmanned, defeated by the woman.

I grasped her wrists again and shudderingly withdrew, our bodies parting with a hollow sucking noise. As she lay panting against the wet clay, I could see her bruised, triumphant smile and I saw she knew it, too; she was the victor.

I tasted earth in my mouth. Turning, I spat, then filled my lungs and, wheeling, flung myself in the water, submerging, rubbing my hands over my flesh, cleansing it, watching the dark clay loosen from my body, break up, and float away in the current. When my breath was spent, I limply pushed myself to the surface. I slicked my hair from my eyes and looked at the bank. She was not there, but imprinted in the wet clay was the hollow of her form, and it seemed as if she had entered there, the G.o.ddess returned to the earth.

26.

The G.o.ddess. I comprehended it, or thought I did. The doll in Justin's cornfield represented the Mother. The Mother was the G.o.ddess. The G.o.ddess provided fertility. Fertility was needed. Without it, there would be no corn. Without corn, no money or food. Without them, people died. Doll; Mother; fertility. Hope; belief.

They all believed. All the village. They wanted me to believe, too. It was shocking, yet terribly simple.

And Harvest Home was coming.

Harvest Home! A time o' joy and celebration. Eat, drink, and be merry. It means success and thanks and all good things.

But this, the seventh year, was special. Not all good things, perhaps. "What no man may know nor woman tell." This was the heart of it. A secret revealed; but what?

I slowed my car as the Tatum farm rose at the crest of the hill on my right, the silhouetted buildings bleakly huddled together. There was no sign of the pickup truck, nor indeed of any activity, other than the youngest girl, Debbie, standing in the dirt track, twisting the hem of her dress and wailing, evidently frightened by the fierce clamor of hogs in the pen near the barn.

I stopped to investigate. I could hear the pigs' grunting bodies heaving against the sty, their wet eyes inquisitively surveying me. A board had become loosened, and I pounded it in place with a rock, then drove off. Begrimed, with a runny nose, Debbie watched me go.

Beyond the house the landscape lay in somber peace. A smoky haze drifted over the cornfield, the cornstalks lying helter-skelter among the bearded stubble, the shocks diminis.h.i.+ng in size as they stretched away from the road to the ridge. Behind them slid the sun.

Pulling to the roadside, I gazed off at the desolate vista; then, listening carefully, I got out, crossed the road, and stepped into the field. Dead stalks cracked underfoot. From somewhere ahead in the field was coming a strange sound: an uncanny, hollow clank or rattle, faint at first, then more distinct. In the amber light, the hulking sheaves seemed forbidding, sinister. Then I recognized the sound: tin cans swaying on the ends of their strings, the pebbles inside making a dull clanking noise, but doing little to repel the two crows which, s.h.i.+ny and black, sat huddled like felons, one on each shoulder of a solitary scarecrow.

It was impossible to account for the tumult of the pigs; squeals and cries pierced the air as their fury drove them to fresh efforts to break from the sty. I got back in the car and began driving down the road; then behind me I heard Debbie's cry. I looked back to see her das.h.i.+ng for the porch as the boards of the pen gave way and the pigs raced past her, charging across the lawn, heads lowered, a tide of frenzied shapes spilling down the slope and into the field, their short legs trampling the earth, overturning the piled shocks as they swept across the furrows.

Debbie sat down on the steps and wailed louder than ever.

Lights had come on in the windows of the houses along the way, and I could see people sitting down to early supper before Kindling Night. I was tired, and awash with guilt. I cursed myself for a fool, scarcely remembering the scene with Tamar on the mudbank-not what had happened, but how it had come about. Arriving at the country end of Main Street, I drove past the dark figure of a man leaning on a rake handle, watching piles of leaves smolder and burn. As the smoke drifted, blue and pungent, I heard the sound of a horse's hoofs, and the familiar creaking of wheels; ahead, the Widow Fortune's buggy emerged from Penrose Lane. The mare looked docile as she moved along; not so the old lady, who sat upright on the seat, her shoulders thrown back, her hands gripping the reins. I couldn't see her face, only the white cap tied under her chin, nor did she notice me coming along; or if she did she made no sign. She wheeled onto Main Street and headed the horse in the direction of her house. I watched the white cap disappear into the gloom; then I drove into the lane.

"h.e.l.lo, Ned Ned." Maggie Dodd was out in front of her house, laying plastic covers over the flower beds along the side of the hedge. I called good evening.

"I've just been putting my bulbs to bed. Have a good day?"

I made some reply and turned into my drive. The Invisible Voice came from Robert's sun porch. Beth's station wagon was in the garage. Leaving my car in the drive, I went in through the kitchen door. There was no light on, except for the fluorescent stove panel, which glowed eerily. Kate was standing by the table-not doing anything, just standing there.

"Hi, sweetheart." I lay down my sketching case and kissed her, dredging up a semblance of cheerfulness.

"Hi."

"Nice day?"

"Yes."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She picked up my case from the table and laid it on the counter, then stood with her back to me. I went to her and turned her, holding her face between my hands. She looked pale, a little tired.

"Nothing?"

"Honest-nothing."

"Where's Mom?"

She nodded toward the closed door of the bacchante room, beyond which I could now catch the low sound of the T.V. set.

Kate placed something in my hand: my pencil flashlight. "I borrowed it from your studio."

"O.K."

She started out, stopped in the doorway with a look I couldn't read. Then she went out through the hall.

I dropped the flashlight into my jacket pocket and opened the bacchante room door. Beth did not look up as I came in, but sat on the green velvet sofa, hands folded in her lap.

"h.e.l.lo," I said.

"h.e.l.lo." An imprecise emphasis, betraying nothing of her present mood.

"No martini?"

"No. I didn't think so. Tonight."

"Guess I'll have a Scotch."

"All right."

"Anything wrong with Kate?"

"No."

I made a drink, then sat down in the club chair. A small fire crackled in the grate, and a large bowl of fresh chrysanthemums bloomed on the Victorian sideboard. I moved a copy of House and Garden House and Garden and put my feet up on the coffee table. "Have a nice day?" I asked over Walter Cronkite's voice. and put my feet up on the coffee table. "Have a nice day?" I asked over Walter Cronkite's voice.

"Umm." She placed her palms together and rubbed them with a slow rotary motion. "Did you?"

I tried to force my voice to sound casual and light. "Yeah. I was out at the Hookes'."

"How are they?"

"O.K. I guess. Sophie seems upset for some reason. I wanted to make a couple of sketches of the pear tree for the painting."

In the light from the screen, I could see a little furrow of impatience appear between her brows. She picked up the remote control and switched off the set. I sipped my drink, watching the firelight play on her face.

"Cozy," I said.

She turned on the floor lamp and pulled her work basket to her.

"You all right?" I asked.

"Yes. Of course." She gave me a quick glance, then drew the quilt onto her lap and pulled the needle out. I listened to the ticking of the Tiffany clock.

"Coming right along," I offered, referring to the quilt.

"Yes. I should have it done by Christmas."

I held my gla.s.s up, watching the play of firelight in the swirl of amber Scotch and ice cubes. I caught her staring at me. Her eyebrows lifted the faintest fraction, then she resumed her work. Something was terribly wrong, I could tell. Her face was pale; she needed lipstick.

"And-?" she said.

"Hm?"

"And then what did you do?"

"After the Hookes'?"

"Yes."

"I-uh, I went to see Dr. Bonfils."

She gave me a quick, tight glance, then looked down again at her work. I put my gla.s.s on the table and sat beside her on the sofa, trying to take her hands.

"I'm sorry, Bethany."

"Sorry?"

"About the baby."

"He told you."

"Yes."

"He shouldn't have. He should have let me." She made a futile gesture with her shoulders, then laughed. "It appears I'm a wishful mother, nothing more."

"Beth-"

"Please. I don't want to talk about it."

"It's not you, it's me."

She shook her head uncomprehendingly. "There's no fetus. Nothing growing in me-"

"I know. I'm sterile. It was the mumps. The doctor did a test. You can have children, but I can't. It's my fault."

"It's-not-me?"

"No. Me."

She paused, holding herself rigid, motionless. Then she visibly relaxed. She dropped her head to hide the tears in her eyes. "It's all right. It doesn't matter. Any more." She spoke calmly, matter-of-factly, dismissing the topic as if we'd been discussing an unfortunate change of weather.

I stood up and looked around the room. It suddenly seemed different-not a room we had made, part of our house, but-simply a room. I glanced at Beth; she seemed different too, somehow. A stranger-wife. I knew she was upset about the baby, but there was something else as well, something she had not said yet.

She raised her head. "What is it, Ned?"

"I was wondering..."

"What?"

"If maybe we ought to move."

She looked at me, then around the room, then shrugged her shoulders. "I don't understand."

"I mean, I'm thinking maybe we ought to leave Cornwall Coombe. Sell. Get out."

"What on earth for?" She laid aside her work and gave me all her attention.

"I don't know. I just have this feeling."

"Where would we go?"

"Mm-back to New York, maybe. Europe, maybe."

"But we've been so happy here."

"Have we?"

"I thought we were. And if we haven't-really, Ned-I don't think you've given this much thought, have you? I mean, it isn't exactly fair to Kate. Taking her out of school again. And there's all the work we've done on the house. The money that's been spent."

"We can get it back."

"On a resale? I don't think so."

"Why not?"