Stories by Elizabeth Bear Part 96

On Turnaround Day they dusted me off. I found myself standing at a c.o.c.ktail party next to the President of East America, wondering how I'd gotten there, wondering what was in the brown paste on the glorified cracker in my hand.

I turned around to say something to that effect to Carl before I remembered he'd died eighteen months before, predeceased by his wife of forty years. After he died, he used to call me every week, like clockwork.

His jokes still weren't that funny. But I could feel him waiting, lonely, on the other end of the line. As waiting and as lonely as me.

The world really did hold its breath. And our silence was met by an answering silence ... and after a pause the world moved on.

It's not just Carl. Most of my other colleagues are gone. I live alone, and the work I can still do goes frustratingly slowly now.

Sometimes I think waiting to hear the answer was what kept me going this long.

I don't expect to hear an answer anymore.

Maybe the Echoes forgot they'd called out to us. Maybe they never really expected an answer. Maybe they moved beyond radio waves, the same way we have. Maybe-even more so than us-they no longer listen to the stars.

Maybe, despite their safe old world and their safe old star, something horrible happened to them. Maybe Fermi was right, and they blew themselves up.

Maybe we'll blow ourselves up someday really soon, too.

But they reached out once. They let us know we weren't alone. We heard them and reached back, and they haven't answered-or they haven't answered yet.

Maybe they live a lot longer than we do. Maybe they don't have the same sense of urgency.

We do keep trying. And maybe someday they'll send an answer.

But it will be a slow conversation and I won't be here to hear it. (Two words; one p.r.o.nunciation.) Too late, I think I figured something out. It's everybody, isn't it? It was Carl, too, and that's what he was trying to tell me. That we could be lonely together, and it might help somehow.

The silence stretches loud across the s.p.a.ce between us. And I can't decide if knowing they were out there and that they reached out in friends.h.i.+p, with a map and the sound of their voices, is worse than imagining they were never there at all.

War Stories No s.h.i.+t, there I am.

So it's 2030, right? And I'm sprawled on my belly in the pile of rubble that used to be 100 Const.i.tution Plaza, rifle fire skipping over my head, a broken rock gouging my groin just down and to the left of my armor. My neck wants to crawl into my helmet like a turtle jamming itself into its sh.e.l.l. There's a crater the size of Winterpeg under my nose, and busted rocks and shattered gla.s.s scattered all over Main Street. Suicide van bomb.

Any a.s.shole can die for his country. The scary s.h.i.+t is living for it.

Old joke: join the army, see the world, meet interesting people and shoot them. And h.e.l.l, I could be anywhere. Anywhere in the newly reconst.i.tuted Commonwealth, say. Where there's fewer places to see every week, and I-so I'm what, eighteen when this is going on?-would like to get a look at a few of them before they're under ice, or under water.

Ah, the Commonwealth. Back again like it never left.

I could be anywhere. I could be in the UK, evacuating Glas...o...b..ry or helping sandbag, or process refugees, in London. London, which is not holding. I could be in South Africa, putting down the warlord-of-the-week. h.e.l.l, I could be in Canada, guarding the home front.

No.

I'm face down in a pile of bricks in Hartford, Connecticut, in the good old U.S. of A., pinned under enemy fire, wondering when they're going to bring in the sonics to relieve us and if we're going to catch friendly fire when they do-and not loving a minute of it.

s.h.i.+t. If I'm going to get my a.s.s shot off, you'd think they could send me someplace pretty to do it in.

Carter's yelling at me from better cover, shouting something I can't catch over the noise. His mike might be on the fritz, or maybe it's my earpiece. His electronics seem okay, at least-he isn't eightysixed on my heads-up.

Good thing, too; you can see it yourself when it happens-unless your whole rig goes dead-and it's creepy as s.h.i.+t. Your icon grays out on the map and there are all your buddies, looking around to see if you got garroted or picked off by a sniper while the team was otherwise engaged.

Modern technology. Used to be, you got shot, you screamed and bled on people until a medic got there. Now, they have machines to do your bleeding for you.

So I wave back at him, hand down low beside my a.s.s: yeah, I have enough cover.

Yeah. Enough. He's just a private anyway, which means...

. . . which means, technically, this is my action.

Mother pus-bucket.

I hope the rest of the guys show up fast.

I'm still thinking about that when I catch a little motion down in the hole.

That thing about your life flas.h.i.+ng before your eyes? It's bulls.h.i.+t. Never had it happen, and I've been scared. What did happen, even before I was wired, was the adrenaline-dump shocked-time thing, and that's what I get, a freeze frame image of the crater and the sunlight shattering off broken gla.s.s.

f.u.c.k me with a chainsaw. There's a child down there.

The social position of a MWO in the Canadian Army is a little odd. You're not a commissioned officer. But you're not really one of the grunts any more, either. The "I work for a living" joke only works until you get past warrant.

It's more like you're a va.s.sal. A country of one, owing absolute allegiance, but generally trusted to wipe up your own a.s.s-and your own spilt milk-as necessary.

It's an uncomfortable kind of freedom to get used to. But yanno, I never would have made it to RMC with my math skills, and we don't have enough college grads anymore to keep all the whirlybirds for lieutenants. And the way it works out, the rest of the pilots are scared to death of me, anyway.

So I don't have to leave the service to move in with Gabe Castaign. He got out before I did, and then we could be friends in public, even. The way we couldn't when I was a corporal and he was a captain and he saved my life.

Thank G.o.d he was never in my chain of command. I don't think we could have managed to stay pals; it would have gotten all knotted to that feudal thing, and that would have been the end.

Of course, I don't quite get to move in with him in the sense that I really wanted to, because by 2053, Gabe's married and has two beautiful, ridiculous, towheaded baby girls. And when I de-enlist, I do it to stay with him and Geniveve.

Because they already know that the transplants haven't taken, that the stem therapy and the chemo aren't working. And Geniveve wants to die at home. She needs help doing it, if she's going to do it comfortably. And Gabe, well.

Gabe doesn't really want to live through it alone.

So Geniveve comes home to die with her husband and her children, and I- I go along because I don't have anyplace else to call home, and they need me. And yeah, I know going in it's going to be hard. And some poisonous bit of me hopes that Gabe will rebound in my direction when she's gone, because you think things like that, even when you don't say them.

But I like Geniveve. She's got every right to be jealous, but Geni is five nine and blonde and pert-nosed and has the greenest eyes I've ever seen that aren't contact lenses. And look at my face. But... I could be Gabe's scary war-buddy who he owes some kind of life debt, and she could walk on eggsh.e.l.ls. She could leave us in the kitchen and herd the babies away.

And she treats me like her best girlfriend.

The first time I met her was at the bridal shower, a kind of Jack and Jill thing, and if she'd been strong enough I think she would pick me up in a Gabe-standard bear-hug, just like him. She kissed my burned cheek, and nevermind I couldn't feel it, and she laughed at my jokes.

So what I'm saying is, I'm here for Geniveve as much as I'm here for Gabe. But it's not them I leave the army for. In '53 I get my 25 in. I always wear a glove on my left hand, and I'm heading down the back side of notorious into old warhorse. Infamy doesn't suit me.

I leave the army because it's time to leave the army. You can't fight all your life.

They've got a spare bedroom. Geniveve-the coincidence of names is no end of amus.e.m.e.nt, but Gabe calls me Maker not Jenny and so does Geniveve and so that's okay-has good days and bad days. Gabe mostly helps her. I mostly help with the girls and the housework, my Cinderella childhood all over again.

And don't I just look like the perfect fairytale princess, too?

Whatever else, this is how I get to know Leah. She's about five already, and Genie (see what I mean about the names?) is two, and not only had Geniveve gotten sick while she was carrying her, but Genie has cystic fibrosis, and she's all straw hair and straw limbs and big luminous eyes. She eats enough for a kid three times her size, and barely absorbs enough to grow on.

Gabe never once says a word to me about the hand he got dealt being unfair. I might mutter a few. But then you feel ugly. Especially when you know something about yourself that maybe the other guy doesn't.

Leah thinks I'm just a set of monkey bars. Just the right size for swinging on.

So we hold on about six months, while Geniveve has more bad days than good days, and big Gabe Castaign, with his wrists I could barely close my metal hand around, starts to look downright thin. Geniveve holds on longer than anybody thinks she might. Stubborn b.i.t.c.h.

But she's got two little girls to buy a few more days for, and you never know which one day... might be the day that counts.

You know, in a lot of ways, she reminded me of Maman.

Except, even when she was dying, Maman was funnier.

Hartford is after I quit dope, but before I start drinking. It's before a lot of other things; before Pretoria, before Gabe, before we-the Commonwealth, I mean-and the Russians team up to invade Brazil. I've still got both the hands I was born with, and Carlos' diamond ring is on the left one-when I'm off-duty.

I've got a man at home. I've got no business doing what I do next.

I have done things in my life that I liked less than that belly-crawl over broken gla.s.s and girders, but don't ask me to name three. There's a street down there under the rubble and maybe people with it, but it's hard to run a proper search and rescue when the whole world's blowing up. It's a h.e.l.l of a thing to think about while you're crawling over them, though.

At least the site's cold. Not fresh, not likely to catch fire or explode under my belly. Just not cleaned up yet. If it ever will be.

The body armor helps some. Easier to keep your b.u.t.t down crawling over plate gla.s.s shards when your belly's plated like a turtle's. And everything that isn't Kevlar or ceramic or leather is covered in ripstop, bladestop, breathable IR-defeating CADPAT digital urboflage.

Comforting.

I've got gloves too, dragged on over my blackened nails. The broken gla.s.s might have edges like a pile of rusty razorblades, but the combats can turn a thoracic stab wound into a bone bruise.

A little broken gla.s.s and a few gross of tenpenny nails are just what it was overdesigned for.

Good stuff.

Weighs a ton, makes you sweat like a pig, and the straps snag on every sharp pointy thing I slither over, but you take the good with the bad, like in any relations.h.i.+p.

The opposition hasn't seen me. Don't expect me to head down into the crater, I'm pretty sure, and are watching the near rim for a silhouette. Because that's what somebody would do in the war movie; send a scout out to distract them, draw their fire, and execute a pincer.

Imaginary soldiers don't actually have to crawl through rubble. And the imaginary enemies never seem to have somebody with a sniper scope and some elevation watching their a.s.s.

Real bad guys can watch the war movies too.

As I get down closer to the bottom of the crater, I notice a few things. One is that the kid looks about eleven. Not a teenager yet; not really a child. Poor kid; that cusp is kind of the suck. Because you haven't changed, not really, but suddenly all the cultural slack and protectiveness, the puppy factor, is just gone.

He's a fresh casualty, though; I'd bet he was scavenging and took a fall, or maybe ducked stupid when the shooting started.

Well, at least he ducked.

He's conscious, huddled, bleeding between the fingers shoved against his scalp. I can't see how bad; one hand's balled into a fist and pressed to the flat back of the other. Head injury, not great. But up on top, not on the fragile temple.

If it's not depressed, it might not be too bad.

Once I got my GED I started studying emergency medicine on the side. It might come in handy if I pa.s.s the test, and if I live long enough being a medic beats being an ex-grunt with no job skills.

I cover him with my body and hope like h.e.l.l we don't get blown up before the rescue comes, or I figure out how to get us out of here.

Five years old, Leah strokes the back of her hand down the back of mine and s.n.a.t.c.hes her fingers away, shaking them like they sting. "Can you feel anything? Does it hurt?"

How do you explain phantom pain to a first grader? "No. Where you touch it, I can't feel anything."

"Wow." She peeks at me through bangs and eyelashes. "That must be nice."

Somehow, Carter must get through, jinky radio and all, because the next thing I know there's a helicopter slamming over like the Archangel Michael on a three day bender. Dusty air buffets us, dust that's half powdered gla.s.s and G.o.d knows what, like sticking your hand in a sandblaster. The kid squeaks-he's been quiet against my chest, both fists knotted around my LBE like a baby sloth clinging to its mother-and I pull his face into my neck. It can't be comfortable, but maybe it'll encourage him to close his eyes.

Me, I get in a couple of hail-Mary's, but the gunfire I hear is ours and not theirs. You really can pick out the make of the gun by the sound, after a couple of weeks. They use whatever they bought off the Internet; all our s.h.i.+t matches. Score one for the away team. Let's go for the hat trick, shall we?

"You grunts alive down there, over?" The last thing from regulation, but a voice I loved to hear. Chief Warrant Officer Tranchemontagne, the own personal h.e.l.l-on-rotor-blades of the Canadian Armed Forces, Hartford franchise. There were only about two hundred of us in town; I didn't expect him to know me, but I sure as h.e.l.l knew him.

The helmet mikes were voice-activated. I cleared my throat and spoke up. "We're alive, Chief. This is Corporal Casey. You gonna come pick us up, or do we hike back? Carter's radio's busted, but we're both unwounded. I've got a civilian casualty, though. A child. Over."

Carter and Casey. I'm not sure if we sound more like a law firm or a comedy team.

"Where's the kid, over?"

The kid kicks me in the knee, suddenly, and tries to squirm free, ready to dart out of that hole into the broken gla.s.s and flying bullets. All he's gonna do is bust his toe on the ceramic armor, but he doesn't know that. I grab, and get him over the shoulders. "Stay the h.e.l.l down, you little b.a.s.t.a.r.d! Chief, the kid is under me. And seems to be alive. Ow. Over."

I hear the son of a b.i.t.c.h laughing. "Got yourself a live one there, Private. All right, I'll get you some evac."

I don't quite have to hit the kid to bundle him into the chopper, but his feet don't touch the ground on the way there, either. Just his luck I'm five eleven in my bare feet, and he-well, he isn't.

Once the chopper's off the ground he quits kicking me, though. I let him scramble loose; he jams himself sullenly into the corner furthest from the door.

"Great job, Casey," Carter says, in what he thinks pa.s.ses for French. "You think it's housebroken?"

"Shut the f.u.c.k up, eh?" I've got half a pack of cigarettes left. I take one out and toss him the rest, and catch the kid watching. I shoot him a sidelong glance. He licks his lips. He's a good looking kid, broad regular features, behind the crust of blood that dribbles over one sharp brown eye. "Hey, Carter?"

He looks up from lighting his cigarette. I leave mine, still cold, between my fingers. "Give the pack to the kid."

And Carter looks at me, looks at the kid-eleven, right?-and shrugs and tosses him the pack.

The kid pulls one out, looks at the pack, thinks real hard, and tosses it back to me with eight left. Then he flicks the one he kept with his thumbnail to light it, a practiced economy of motion. Yeah, I was like a f.u.c.king chimney at that age, too.

I keep an eye on him without looking like I'm looking at him. He takes two puffs before he picks the ember off the end and tucks the rest in his s.h.i.+rt pocket. Price of a meal at least, I guess, in a wartime economy.

You're not supposed to smoke in the Army's aircraft. I guess somebody might not like the smell. I stick my untouched cigarette back into the half pack and toss the whole thing back to him, with nine smokes now.

The genius behind chemotherapy is that you poison yourself a little slower than you poison the cancer. It's f.u.c.king barbarism; no different from the mercury treatments they used to give people who had syphilis, although maybe it works a little better.

I don't blame Geniveve for deciding that if she was going to die, she'd rather do it without the puking.