Real Life In London Part 79

Fog. No, stone with scratches on't; and here they say They're making five-mile telescopes to read them!

But. Zounds! what a strapping hand she must have had!

Who was the sempstress?

Fog. Sir, a giantess,

About ten thousand yards--without her shoes, Her thimble has been guessed, tho' rotten now, To fill the place they call the Lake of Maris, By Alexandria!--Nay, the noseless tilings That sit upon their tails in Russell Street, Were Cleopatra's pebbles, taws and dolls!

Bot. Why, what a monstrous thread she must have used!

Fog. The Chronicle here says--a patent twist Of elephants' legs, and dromedaries' spines, And buffaloes' horns!

Got. What was her favourite work?

Fog. (Rising majestically) Sir, she sewed pyramids!

All lift their hands and eyes in silence.--The Council adjourns.

~166~~ its lofty summit in Regent Place, and the western will shortly outrival the eastern wonder of the metropolis.{1}

1 The Monument.

"Where London's column pointing to the skies, Like a tall bull! lifts its head and lies."

"By the bye, let us once more extend our excursion to the Monument, the day is delightful, and the atmosphere unclouded. We will approximate the skies, and take a bird's-eye view of the metropolis." In conformity with this suggestion the Squire submitted himself to the guidance of his friend, and an aquatic trip being agreed on, they directed their progress to Spring Garden Gate, and thence across the Park, towards Westminster Bridge.

"A boat, a boat, your honour," vociferated several clamorous watermen, all in a breath; of whose invitation Dashall took not any notice; "I hate importunity," he observed to his friend. Pa.s.sing towards the stairs he was silently but respectfully saluted by a modest looking young man, without the obtrusive offer of service.--"Trim your boat, my lad,"

this was the business of a moment; "now pull away and land us at the Shades--'of Elysium,'" said the Squire, terminating the instructions rather abruptly, of the amphibious conveyancer. "I am rather at a loss to know," said the waterman, "where that place is, but if your honors incline to the Shades at London Bridge, I'll row you there in the twirling of a mop-stick." "The very spot," said Dashall, and the waterman doffing his jacket, and encouraged to freedom by the familiar manner of the two strangers, ~167~~ plied his oars l.u.s.tily, humming, in cadence, the old song:

"I was, d'ye see a waterman, As tight and blythe as any, 'Twixt Chelsea town and Horsley-down, I gain'd an honest penny."

They now glided pleasantly on the serene bosom of the Thames, and enjoyed, in mute admiration, the beauties of a variegated prospect, which, if equalled, is at least not excelled by any other in the universe. On either side of this n.o.ble river, a dense ma.s.s of buildings presented itself to the eye, and as the buoyant vehicle proceeded, the interest of the varying scene increased in progressive proportion.

Thousands of barges skirted the margin of the lordly stream, and seemed like dependant va.s.sals, whose creation and existence were derived from and sustained by the fiat of old father Thames; and imagination might well pourtray the figure of the venerable parent of this magnificent stream regulating its rippling wave, and riding, in the triumph of regal sway, over his s.p.a.cious domains. The grandeur of the public edifices on the left, the numerous indications of art on the right, the active industry on both sides, and the fairy-like boats of pleasurable conveyance gliding to and fro', and shooting, in the distance, through one or other of the lofty arches of Waterloo Bridge, produced an effect imposingly grand, and was dwelt upon by our hero of Belville Hall, particularly with mingled sensations of surprise, admiration, and delight.

Silence had prevailed for some time, with the exception of the waterman, who now and then carroll'd a stanza responsive to the stroke of the oar, when the attention of his fare was drawn towards him.

"You seem to enjoy a merry life, my good friend," said the Squire.

"Ay, ay, your honour, G.o.d bless you, why should not I? At my poor home, and your honour knows that the cottage of the peasant is equally dear to him as is the Palace to the Prince, there is my old woman, with her five little ones, all looking forward to the happiness of seeing me in the evening, after the labours of the day; and to feel that one is cared for by somebody, is a sweet consolation, amidst all our toils,--besides, your honour, the old times are partly come round again; half-a-crown will go farther, aye, thrice-told, now, than it did a few ~168~~years ago;--then hang sorrow, I am a contented waterman, your honour; so d----n the Pope, long life to King George the Fourth, and success to the land that we live in!" "Here," said Dashall, "is an heterogeneous mixture of prejudice, simplicity and good nature."

"You are but a young man, and cannot long have followed your present profession.--Is it from choice that you continue it."

"Why, your honour, I served an apprentices.h.i.+p to it, am not long out of my time, and continue it as well from choice as necessity; the first because I like it, and lastly, as our parson says, because in any other situation I could serve neither my neighbour nor myself."

By this time the tiny bark had shot the centre arch of Waterloo; and new scenes of interest presented themselves, in ever-varying succession, as they proceeded towards Blackfriars. Somerset House wore, particularly, an aspect of great and imposing effect, and not less, as they ploughed the liquid element, was the interest excited, and the reminiscence of the Squire brought into action by the appearance of the Temple Gardens.--The simple, yet neatly laid out green-sward, reminded him of the verdant slope on part of his domains at Belville Hall, but here the resemblance finished; a diminutive, although pure and limpid rivulet only, pa.s.sed the slope alluded to, and here was a world of waters, into which the influx of ten thousand such rivulets would produce no apparent increase. Amidst these cogitations by the Squire, and others of an unknown description by Dashall, the boat pa.s.sed underneath Blackfriars'

Bridge, and the lofty doom of St. Paul burst upon the view of the two a.s.sociates, with gigantic majesty, and withdrew from their minds every impression save that of the towering object in view, superseding the consideration of all else, either present or retrospective.

"Rest on your oars," was the order now given by the two friends, and while the waterman implicitly obeyed the mandate, they gazed with enthusiasm, on the stupendous edifice, seen perhaps, to better advantage from the river than from any other station, and felt proud in their affinity to a country and countryman, capable, the former of inst.i.tuting, and the latter of carrying into effect so august an undertaking.{1}

1 During the building of St. Paul's Church, a country carpenter applied to the Overseer of the workmen for employment as a carver. The Overseer smiling at the man's temerity, hearing he had never worked in London, it was observed by Sir Christopher Wren, who was present, who calling the man to him, asked him what he had chiefly worked at in the country?"Pig-troughs, &c." was his answer. "Well then," says Sir Christopher, "let us see a specimen of your workmans.h.i.+p in a sow and pigs." The man returned in a few days, having performed his part with such exquisite skill, that he was immediately employed; and in tine, executed some of the most difficult parts of the Cathedral, to the great astonishment of all that knew the circ.u.mstance. So true it is that genius is often lost in obscurity.

169~~ Again proceeding on their way, they arrived in a few minutes, at another amongst the many in the metropolis, of those surprising works of public utility which reflect the highest honor on the laudable enterprize of the present times,--the Iron Bridge, known as Southwark Bridge, leading from the bottom of Queen Street, Cheapside to the Borough. It is constructed of cast-iron, and, from the river particularly, presents an appearance of elegance and magnificence; consisting of three arches only, the s.p.a.cious span of each, stretching across the Thames in towering majesty, affords an aquatic vista equally novel and interesting.

Gliding on the pacific wave, the "trim-built wherry" now pa.s.sed under the lofty elevation of the centre arch; and our observers were struck with the contrast between the object of their admiration and its ancient neighbour, London Bridge, that "nameless, shapeless bulk of stone and lime," with its irregular narrow arches, through which the pent-up stream rushes with such dangerous velocity.

"This gothic hulk," said the Squire, "is a deformity in the aspect of the river." "And ought at least to be pulled down, if not rebuilt,"

added his Cousin. "Even on the principle of economy, the large and incessant expenditure in support of this decayed structure, would be much more profitably applied in the erection of a new bridge of correspondent grandeur with the first metropolis in the universe; but the citizens seem inclined to protract the existence of this heavy fabric, as a memento of the bad taste of their progenitors."

"Full many a gem of purest ray serene, The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear; Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, And waste its sweetness in the desert air.'

~170~~ The indefatigable waterman continued to ply his oars, sans intermission, and in a few minutes our two a.s.sociates in adventure were safely landed a short distance westward of the bridge. After remunerating the waterman, they ascended the stairs with an appet.i.te quickened by the water breeze, and retired into the Shades, close at hand, for refreshment, previous to a renewal of their excursion.

The Shades, near London Bridge, is a house, or rather cellar, much resorted to by respectable citizens of "sober fame," induced chiefly by the powerful attraction of genuine wines, which may here be had either drawn immediately from the wood, and served in regular standard pewter measures, or in bottles, also of full measure, containing the pure beverage, of various age and vintages. To these cellars numbers of the most respectable mercantile characters adjourn daily; enjoying the exhilarating juice of the grape, and further attracted by the pleasantness of situation, as commanding a full view of the river, whence the refres.h.i.+ng breeze is inhaled and enjoyed.

Here then, our heroes recruited; and while taking their wine, Bob was much gratified by the performance of an itinerant band of musicians, playing outside, some of the latest and most popular airs, in a masterly style of execution. "Among other numerous refinements and improvements of the age," observed Dashall, "may be considered that of our itinerant metropolitan musicians, for instead of the vile, discordant and grating hurdy-gurdy; the mechanical organ grinder, and the cat-gut sc.r.a.per, "sawing a tune," we have now parties who form themselves into small bands of really scientific and able performers, who from instruments well selected produce a combination of delightful melody; and this progress of harmony is equally evident with respect to vocalists, who frequently posting themselves opposite some well frequented tavern or coffee-house, amuse the inmates with catches, glees, duets, &c. and trust to the liberal feelings which the "concord of sweet sounds may have inspired, for remuneration and encouragement."

Scarcely had Dashall concluded his remarks, when the musical party ceased their instrumental exertions, and, diversifying the entertainment, one of the performers struck up a song, which we here present to the reader as a subject not inapplicable to our work.~171~~

In London where comical jokes go free, There are comical modes of cheating, Birch-brooms are cut up for Souchong and Bohea, And plaster for bread you are eating!

And plaster for bread you are eating!

(Spoken) "How do you do, Mrs. Caphusalent I hope you approved of the genuine tea." "O yes, new brooms sweep clean, and I have no occasion to buy birch ones, while I deal at your shop for tea." "There's nothing like my cheap bread," says Doughy the baker. "O yes," says Neddy, "you forget plaster of Paris is very like it."

What are you at? each knave may cry, Who feels my honest rhymes; What are you after's? my reply,-- There never were such times!

There never were such times!

In Acc.u.m's test you'll find it clear, For spirits of wine read Royal gin!

Quashee and drugs they call strong beer, And Turtle soup is Ox's s.h.i.+n!

And Turtle soup is Ox's s.h.i.+n!

(Spoken) "By the powers of Moll Kelly, Mr. Max, but you've murdered my dear friend Patrick O'Shaughnessy, for after taking a noggin of your blue ruin, he went to blow out the candle on stepping into bed, when the poor dear creature went off in a blaze, and set fire to the house. Its all nothing at all but spirits of wine, you bog-trotting swindler!"

Moist sugar is made from the best red sand, New milk from whiting and water!

Sloe juice poisons half the land, And the weights get shorter and shorter!

And the weights get shorter and shorter!

(Spoken) "I hope," says Mr. Deputy Doublethroat, "you found the port I sent you last of the right sort: six years in bottle, Sir, I warrant it made your heart glad." "You mean my bowels sad, Mr. Deputy. Out of six friends whom I invited to partake of it four have already been booked inside pa.s.sengers for the other world, and my dear Mrs. Fribble and me have been confined with inflammation ever since. Instead of importer of foreign wines, Mr. Deputy, I'd have you write up retailer of English poisons." {1}

1 The following receipt is copied from a book, which is there said to be worth the price of the volume. "What is drank as port wine, is very often only a mixture of malt liquors, red wine, and turnip juice. For the benefit of economical readers, the following are the proportions: forty- eight gallons of liquor pressed from turnips, eight gallons of malt spirits, and eight gallons of good port wine, coloured with cochineal, and roughened with elder tops. It should stand two years in casks, and one in bottles. If rough cider is subst.i.tuted for turnip juice, and Coniac brandy for malt spirits, the wine will be the better."

Turkey-coffee is Horse-beans ground, Irish eggs are boil'd in lime: In every trade deception's found, Except it be in yours or mine!

Except it be in yours or mine!

(Spoken) "There's more milk drank in London in a week than all the Cows in England could give in a fortnight;" says Blunderskull. "How can that be?" "Why to be sure, because two-thirds of it is white-was.h.!.+"

What are you at? each knave may cry, Who feels my honest rhymes: What are you after's? my reply,-- There never were such times!

There never were such times!